Snowglobe baby

Panos Efstathiadis is a complete genius. So what qualifies someone as a genius in Crystal world well kick ass photoshop actions are a real must lol. If someone takes the time to make a photoshop action that either makes my life easier or creates something amazing they are akin to god lol.

So anyway Mr Efstathiadis has a fabulous collections of actions available free of charge at http://www.panosfx.com/ including the one that creates this.

Doesn't Lukas look cute in a snowglobe. LOL.

Want to know someone else who has fab actions?

Tandika Star at http://www.digiscrapdesigner.com, as much as I love her wicked actions (mostly free for the first week to subscribers - subscribing costs $35 a year) her tutorials are even better today I created grossgrain ribbon and realistic rikrak. I have made a lot of things thanks to her amazing tutorials. It's very therapeutic pressing buttons and actually creating something. I like designing stuff I like sharing stuff as well, I think I might design a quick christmas kit if I get chance for anyone who wants it. But since no-one seems to read this blog anymore maybe no-one would want it?

I started writing this to take out some frustration but since I am not really sure why I am frustrated I will come back later for another post now I have to write some Christmas Cards I mean after all even I don't usually leave my cards until the 22nd of December.

Bored now

So bloggers not liking my pictures, and I don't have much time to ramble since I still have to finish making Nan's Christmas present and organise my hardrive as well as boring stuff like wrapping Nan's Christmas gifts because she get's herself tangled in wrapping paper, write christmas cards and dullest of all tidy up.
Lukas is downstairs feeling sorry for himself because he has a cough and a cold. Mark has just taken a chunk out of his finger with a pair of scissors, Nan's trying to lay down and it seems like I am the only one its dawned on that Christmas is in one weeks time.Might pop back later if I get time.

Blogger is a pest

Since blogger decided not to allow me to add more text after my pictures I started a new post.

But I can't remember what else we have done.

Tell you what let's have a look at my festive house while I have a think.

I couldn't be bothered to alter them sorry but from top to bottom are: Tree, front of house, Back Garden. There are lots more but blogger is being very slow uploading pictures.

a whole week without a post

naughty girl lol. But I have been very busy. Lukas has been poorly, I have been making Christmas gifts for his teachers, Avoiding my mum and so much other stuff.

But I owe you a recap so let me have a think what has happened since last post?

Well there was Lukas's school play he was supposed to be a sleepy shepherd, but from the moment he got the letter he said "i'm not doing it and you can't make me". He's a stubborn boy my son and once he makes his mind up you have no chance of changing it (definately my boy lol

So anyway we drag to school wait ages in the cold. Go into the hall and end up right at the back. I was annoyed because I told Mark we had to be there early so we could get good seats but we aren't going into that one lol. Lukas had a yellow tea towel tied around his head (not the one he was sent with) and his dressing gown was nowhere to be seen. The kids start singing and you can hear the teacher above all that going "Lukas are you going to sing?" answered with a resounding "NO". Off came the tea towel and then he saw me. Helplessly trying not to laugh at him and he got the giggles. The next song when the kids started singing he put his hands over his ears. It didn't get any better throughout the performance thankfully it only lasted 15 minutes.Here's some pictures they aren't great but better than nothing.

Wedding blues

What is it about weddings that makes everyone go crazy?
Why do family members believe it's necessary to invite cousins you have never met, distant family members that you don't remember meeting, or a better question still why do mothers think they can invite half the hall capacity of complete and utter strangers?
Which brings me to the best question of all - why didn't we just elope? lol
It seemed such a good idea at the time, your mum's sick, Nan won't be about much longer, it will be something for everyone to look forward to etc etc.
When we went and bought the engagement ring, we seem to have a kind of amnesia about what our families were like. You know how women hold their newborn and forget they were screaming obscenities 5 minutes before (no I am not talking about my labour lol). I think couples get engaged and in their minds their families are going to be thrilled and want to help out and its going to be so much fun.
You neglect to recall that my mother hates marks mother, and people will be interfering left right and centre. That you will have tonnes of stuff to plan and organize and only three months to do it in. You don't remember the horror of going dress shopping with said mother or the ordeal you will have telling her that actually you are going to invite your dad despite her "i'm not coming if you invite him".
The only good thing about a wedding is sometimes you can wing stuff and deal with the inevitable fall out at a later date by neglecting to mention certain things to my mother.
Like the fact that I have invited my dad, Ordered the wedding cake arrangement I wanted and best of all there's some things people will never need to know like the boots I will be wearing under my wedding dress. Oh I can just imagine the look of horror on my mum's face if she knew I was even remotely considering wearing anything other than horrid pinchy high heel things. Oh the knowledge that I have evaded that look just makes me smile lol
As you can see it's true what they say "simple things please simple minds" lol.

Maybe tomorrow I will manage an entry on here that is more than just a collection of mindless ramblings but I doubt it.

Bumps, Burns and Bah Humbug

(Post a date late due to blogger being a pain in the bum)
I have decided that Christmas lights are a huge source of evil lol. Nan decided she wanted another set in the living room, in putting them up I managed to smash 3 of the bulb coverings, burn my hand on a naked bulb, slice into my finger with part of broken bulb covering, The artex ceiling went into my hand and just for good measure Lukas shook the stool and I fell off it. Came upstairs and managed to whack my wrist (yes obviously the one that was already hurting lol).
Don't get me wrong I love Christmas and the lights but I am a little fed up with my fridge bedroom because of leads through the window, the headaches from flashing lights, i'm not sleeping very well and if I hear every musical item in this house one more time I might be very tempted to smash them into little pieces.

So cold in here today

and I don't mean in a hostile way, I mean in a windows won't close because Nan has so many outdoor lights plugged in through them way. I have a thick jumper on and under the duvet and I am still shivering so much for my room being the warmest in the house. I think we should ignore the freezer and use this room today lol.
Anyway enough whinging about being cold. I have other things to bitch about today.
Remember I mentioned some issues with Lukas's school? Will compress this as much as possible I don't like Lukas's teacher very much. When Lukas went to school last before he was poorly Mark took him, the teacher told him that the special needs coordinator wanted to speak to me.
I was to put it mildly angry. So when Lukas went back on Monday I went to get him and was told he'd had 2 accidents and wet himself and 1 accident of the other variety. He had also fallen asleep on the carpet - was I called nope and I was in all day long. I was furious, especially when she said to me "you shouldn't have sent him to school if he was ill" It's like duh dumbo if he was ill he would have been at home with me. I keep him home whenever he even looks slightly ill. The letters from the school saying Lucas - yes I spelt it the way they do WRONG! hasn't been at school why are dull especially when you have spoken to the stupid school daily saying he's still throwing up and pooping etc. Anyway since I am starting to ramble I will get back to the special needs coordinator before I work up into a huge rant. Everytime we have had an appointment to meet her she hasn't shown up. Yesterday when I had a doctors appointment she comes up and tries to shake my hand - um no I don't think so. She's like this hyper woman full of energy and I just felt like slapping her lol. I can't stand people like that, yeah I know I'm probably just jealous lol. Conversation went a little like this:
Her: "Hi I am ..... so nice to meet you "
Me: raising eyebrows
Her: I've come to have a little chat with you
Me: Nope, Can't, have to be somewhere. Walking out of door and over my shoulder "sorry"
Me and Lukas: Bye
Then I took Lukas home and he decided he didn't want to come with me to the doctors, because "Nannie has CBeebies". So I went on my own and sat in the waiting room reading a book and from some unknown place developed my own hyperactivity. I couldn't stop talking, I smiled at someone and they smiled back, I got chatted up by some man on the bus and I just felt a little festive cheer. Then as usual something went wrong - I went upsatirs and found Lukas had chucked all my wedding invites around the room, opened every christmas card I had written and stripped my bed of every item of bedding. Then a bit later he decided to pee on the bed. I love my son with every inch of my heart but sometimes he is a pain in the bum lol.
Right time to go back to freezing my bum off.

Losing Control

Life Sucks! Well it does when you live in a body that just doesn't do what you want it to do.
I wrote my wedding invitations out yesterday and my wrist is swollen and sore today. I used to write essays, pages and pages of whatever came in to my head with no problem now I write 78 invitations and I am hurting. Even getting dressed and brushing my hair was difficult this morning. *sigh* The part I really hate though has nothing to do with the pain, its the control I hate not having the control over my body to make it do what I want. Having a lot of control issues lately, The wedding plans seem to have changed somewhere along the lines instead of me being in the driving seat and deciding what I want and discussing it with Mark (and then doing whatever I want anyway lol) I seem to have been relegated to the back seat while Nan and my Mum argue out all the details that are left. One of the biggest being food. Mum's decided she's going to pay for all the food as a wedding present. Sounds a nice gesture until you realise that its all just so that she can ignore all my requests not to have gateaux and chicken drumsticks, she's making favours with stuff I got bullied into buying even though I didn't want them and unfortunately the list goes on and on. Nan is just as bad everything my mum argues for Nan argues against and its all purely for the sake of arguing.Yesterday there was a little boy kicking a football repeatedly at our Christmas lights. My only solution was to go outside and bring his ball in. Evil aren't I but I just felt like we had completely lost control of even something as simple as keeping our christmas lights in one piece. I feel like I am constantly battling Lukas's school, I don't like things they do but that comes down to control as well,but I cant be bothered to go into that one today because typing hurts too.

Journey of self discovery

So as good as the intention to write on here daily is, the theory is harder to make a reality.
Somedays the keyboard and the blank screen seem too daunting - I have done nothing anyone else is bothered in hearing about so why write it. Somedays the actual doing is just too hard, there's too much going on in my head and I can't concentrate on what I actually want to say, when that happens something that's bugging me can turn into a blog entry days or even weeks afterwards makes no sense to you but to me it's taken that long to work it out.
Lastly there's the very best excuse for not writing my blog technology conspires against me lol.
In the past week we have had days when we have had no internet connection, days where the connection lasts a few minutes and best of all days where the connection is fine and blogger is down. Typical! lol.
Anyway enough mindless rambling onto the topic of this post journey of self discovery.
Over at Scrapgirls, they have started something new every Tuesday. It's called
"Bachelor's Degree in Me - Becoming all that we can be". Sounds interesting, so I might give it a go avoiding anything about God and Spirituality.
I signed up for the FLYLady program as well. I'm going to completely ignore all the irrelevant parts like shining the sink but I do like the idea of babysteps.
I will try anything for a while to see if it can improve my life. I have a great collection of past hobbies and habits I have dabbled in. In my loft I have lots of books/information about alternative therapies. I bought aromatherapy oils, magnetic bracelets, sleep aids and the list goes on and on. They last for as long as it takes for me to get frustrated that they haven't helped. Scrapping has lasted the longest so far. When I started scrapping it was all about expressing my emotions and then it became about making art and creating because it was fun.
Lately it kind of stopped being fun, my ability to create layouts went on a long holiday. I was sitting staring at Photoshop CS2 and wondering why the hell I had bothered switching it on.
Over the weekend I got something from scrapping again and it was nice. I took part in a cybercrop over at UKS and I enjoyed it a bit. The computer acted up all weekend the internet only worked when it felt like it and I only managed to create a few layouts but it was nice.
But thats the issue isn't it lately the best anything can be is nice. I took part in two previous Cybercrops at UKS and bored everyone senseless from the minute they were announced until the Sunday they finished. I joined in with everything swaps, chats, gossiping, I scrapped all day and all night, I set alarms for stupid times so I didn't miss anything. Want to know what I did this time I started about 5pm Saturday did a few classes a few challenges, never entered the chatroom, ignored the gossip threads and the swaps went to bed by midnight because I was too tired to stay up anymore. Sunday I did almost the same. I took part in nothing that makes it fun. I worked it out today I am getting married in 51 Days. Invites have been ordered but not arrived yet, dress has been chosen and in process of ordering. BUT excitement has yet to make an appearance, I'm still bored by the whole thing.
Suppose it could be down to Leo's anniversary or Lukas being ill or any number of other things. Most likely though it's probably because getting married never interested me. Neither did having kids but that changed after Lukas, maybe marriage will work the same.
Surely things will be fine as long as Mark and everyone else is aware a ring does not make me his property, I am not going to change and become ms domesticated or crazy baby married lady. If he wants someone to wash his clothes and cook and iron he can do it his bloody self.
Im bored now so signing off. Will try and pop back for more moaning tomorrow.

Bruised baby

We need to go back a bit before the bruise to explain. Lukas decided on Wednesday night that he was going to be a little nightmare and keep mummy up all night. Sounds no big deal except it meant he was too exhausted to go to school the next day. So he stayed home and was downstairs playing with Ella, I was upstairs and I heard him start screaming. Mark went down to get him and he was holiding his ear and screaming the house down.
So we asked him numerous times "what happened" and couldn't get a word of sense out of him.
His poor little ear was swollen and black. So obviously mummy kept him home today to fuss over him. But I am sick because I want to scrap it for him lol.
Now I suppose it's time to talk about the wedding *sigh*. It's stressful there are lots of family issues and every single one of them goes back to my mum, it's amazing she's going to wreck my wedding without lifting a finger or even trying. Long story short we have family members who won't come because she's there, friends we can't invite because they can't stand her, and even family I can't invite because she would have a meltdown and cause a fight (my dad for a start).
We went dress shopping the other day even though I have already picked the dress I want, she stood in the middle of the street saying at the top of her voice that I needed a size 28 dress.
I may be fat but I am not that bloody fat I wear a size 18/20. She's just damn rude.
I am just sick of the whole thing I consider cancelling at least a few times a day. What happened to my dream wedding - a simple quiet ceremony followed by a huge party.
She keeps saying I shouldn't have a wedding dress, but I don't see why not I don't want to be married in a church because it's not my thing I don't do religion, I would never get married in a church even if money was no object. We didn't do a registry office because it was cheaper its because we dont want our "union blessed by god".
I am seriously depressed lately, Mark has been getting on my nerves. I am fed up of not having the energy to do anything. That's enough moaning for today. Have to go fuss over my bruised baby.

Hip Hip Hooray no more AF from today

So just for those of you who haven't been/are not currently trying to have a baby aka TTC, AF is Aunty Flo aka my period. So thats the first part of operation WTMI (Way too much information lol) the second part is to confess why no more AF I had a doctors appointment this morning and I went full of the intent to not have a complete meltdown like last week oh thats right you don't know about that do you I never got around to blogging it.
Ok long story short Lukas had an appointment, I had an appointment and Lukas had a strop on. He kicked the doctor refused to be touched and spent the whole time we were there driving me crazy, it ended up with me accidently scratching him when I tried to get him off me so I could discuss stuff with the doctor. So anyway asked Nan to take Lukas to school so I would be on time for the 9:15am appointment (yes I know that's night time lol). Got there early - SHOCK HORROR and was all geared up had everything I wanted to say planned in my head and then that lovely phrase "I have a student in with me do you mind?" So I'm sat there thinking hell yes I mind but brain and mouth never engage do they because you sit there and here yourself say "No of course not" So as much as I had wanted to confess that he was right I am depressed and maybe it was the time to try anti depressants again I didn't instead I made myself into a very shallow person I asked for a contraceptive injection because "I have a white wedding dress and I am worried about having a huge red blood stain on it" I could have told the truth which is right now the idea of having another miscarriage keeps me awake at night, that comes into my head when I am thinking of the many different way there are to kill yourself and why I could never do any of them because they left so much mess behind for other people, I could have told him that the pain drives me insane and I feel like I can't bloody cope anymore. I could have told him that Im sick to death of being wiped out all the time, but we wouldn't want a student to think he has neurotic freaks as patients would we, so it all has to wait for another 2 weeks until the students gone. But hey it's been getting progressively worse for nearly 5 years so whats another two weeks of hell?

Edited to add: Just incase you didn't guess the title is sarcastic. Would adore another baby more than words can describe but right now periods from hell are not something I can add to my tower of problems because it will fall down and I will lose my mind.

Things always look brighter in the morning

and do you know why that is? Because they look 1000 times worse when you are awake all night. The dark and quiet means you have more time to do dangerous things like think. When you can't sleep your head gets filled with all the frustrations that during the day you manage to ignore. But it gets better when you are sat up feeling ill, too hot to think straight watching late night tv, thats when a silly program where a woman has a baby girl and decides she doesn't want it drives you to tears and you wake up the man you love to hold you and make it feel better. When you look at the little boy asleep beside you and realise holy crap he used to be a baby and now he fills the bed and tomorrow is the last time you have with him before he goes back to school on Monday. Ok so I think thats enough from this pre-mestrual crazy woman I am going back to my late night TV and being wide awake

Poorly baby

So all my good intentions to write my blog now that I was back on-line didn't really play out.
Want to know why? My little man has been off school poorly for the past two days and I have done nothing lol. We spent the whole day watching podcasts and video tutorials. We converted pictures into sketches and we had fun lol.
So there is a huge pile of washing to put away, I haven't hoovered or even made the bed sometimes you just need a photoshop duvet day lol.
Its amazing though hes four and hes so interested in photoshop maybe he will grow up to be a graphic designer lol

OMG has it been that long?

How am I still vaguely sane lol.
So I suppose you are all interested in what I have been up to or more to the point why I haven't updated my blog in so long - come on pretend you are interested and humour me lol.
There's a really simple explanation we had no internet connection *sob*. It all started when we decided to finally come back to my house. We called the ISP and gave them our 30 days notice and started moving stuff. Called up about a new Broadband account with Sky and we're told "Demand for this product currently outweighs supply available", Now Mark told me it would be 2 weeks I thought not so bad we still have internet at his for my Daily Downloads. When I thought this my mind obviously forgot the two bus rides and long time it takes to do the trip to his mum's and then the 2 buses back. So I ended up sending him. Men are completely useless each day he had to do daily downloads (all stored as favourites very simple), check private emails for anything vital and occasionally do a few other things like pay for stuff for the wedding (again clear instructions written for him) and he cocked up so many of them I was ready to kill him.
After three weeks of this I was fuming at him about why we hadn't recieved anything from Sky and then he decides to tell me that what they actually said was it would take between 2-3 weeks for a letter and then a further wait for the actual service. Well I hit the roof and went mad. After constantly fighting for a week he finally started calling around for another ISP and we found Tiscali. So now that drama is all over I am finally able to start playing catch up.
In other news my baby boy is now much to my annoyance a very big boy who *sob* goes to school full time.He started last Wednesday and with the exception of the first day meltdown and the fact that he has yet to be exactly on time its going ok.He likes it, I miss him though it's too quiet here without him.
The wedding date is drawing ever closer and there are still a few major details to be fixed - My Dress, A DJ and The Catering.
Of course the groom may not make it to the wedding if he continues to act the way he has done lately. I also doubt his brother will be attending I um lost my temper with him yesterday (bit of an understatement) and told him a few home truths about Josh.
Let's just say a lot was said that has needed saying for a while. The part that annoys me the most is nearly all of Marks family think the same way I do but because I had the gits to actually say something - I am in the doghouse with them. They think that I should have said nothing.Well screw them because david is damn lucky to have Josh and all he does is neglect him. That little boy is 2 in August and someone asked me yesterday "when's his first birthday". He was crawling with nits. I suppose some of it was green eyed monster because they have one and I don't but if I still had Leo there's no way he would be in the state Joshua is.
I was so anxious to be able to update this but now I seem to have nothing to say.
Its so frustrating to be inside my head I swear theres a little troll in there with a trapdoor who throws out all useful information like things I have to do and things I want to say. Sitting there having a conversation and poof the words have disappeared and I am sat there um um'ing like an idiot. Like when I was fighting with Mark the other day I got distracted by a pair of shoes and forgot what we were fighting about. Brain like a sieve and mind of a goldfish!

Taking a few minutes to catch up

Even though no-one reads this I feel like I should be making more of an effort to take a few minutes each day to catch up. I feel like lately my whole life has slid into decline. I don't talk to my friends anymore, I don't scrap very much, I don't get any work done for dedicated2digital. In fact all I have done lately is gone to Nans, been bombarded from all sides with wedding suggestions come home and gone to sleep.
So lets talk about the wedding (get ready to be bored)
First point of argument we can talk about is wedding colours. The original colours were white,lilac and silver. My mum has argued about this non-stop she wants red because I quote (in a whiny irritating voice lol) "Its a winter wedding". I managed to convice her that blue was a fair compromise. So colours are now white, silver, lilac and blue. Even though if you ask my mum she will insist that the colours are blue,cream,and gold. lol she's such a stubborn old bat.
Second point is to do with food. When we first told everyone we were getting married Lisa said she would do the food - on the condition that my mum had nothing to do with it.Now the thing I should mention is that for everything my mum insists on Nan is just as insistant not to have it,you have to remember that for the next bit to make sense. My mum has decided that we "have to have gateaux" for the reception and despite the numerous times of us telling her it gets walked into the carpet, no-one eats it and we aren't having it still she insists. I suggested alternatives which she started shouting objections about *sigh*. The next point of argument is balloons my mum wants them, Nan doesn't because of my latex allergy. Have to admit I hate the thought of having them. Eventually it will just come down to whose the most stubborn or who shouts the loudest. We have also had rows about favours the ones I made (silver organze bags with silver heart dragees) are "too small" apparently I have to have them made by my stepdad like mum had at her wedding. I conceeded on that one at a cost of £50ish, I was just too tired to argue anymore.
There are rows about the bouquet, the decorations of the hall you name it they are fighting over it.
The worst part is everything I argue against my mum asks Mark what he thinks and he agrees with her - because he hasn't been listening as per usual. Its infuriating and theres another 3 months of this to go. My head might well explode.
Moving progress, the rooms are getting to almost liveable but theres still a lot of work to do before we can start moving furniture etc and actually start living at home again.
In other news my computer has finally been repaired today but all the data is gone. Even the file recovery program didn't work. Thats all my poetry and lots of text documents, recent pictures, scanned photos etc. I may have some on backup disks but not sure. I could always rescan the pictures I got from Nan. But what I can't replace is stuff like Lukas's first day at nursery pictures and they were so cute. I know I could always dress him the same and retake them but its not the same. The part that makes me most sad is I asked him to back up everything before he touched it and as usual he didn't. He makes me so mad when he doesn't listen. Im too tired to write anything else today but tomorrow I have an appointment to go to at 11am, and then I intend to spend the day doing whatever I want. Im thinking sleeping, scrapping, digi freebie hunting, catching up with my friends and maybe a quick trip to the park to just play. Bliss lol

Blog prompts catch up

20/09/06 If you were to build a patchwork quilt to represent your life -- one in which each square would represent a milestone or a quality that, when taken as a whole quilt, would capture the essence of who you are for your family and friends when you are gone -- what would it look like, what would you include? Describe a few of the patchwork pieces.
I never did go back to doing this one. I still think it would make a better scrapbook page.

21/09/06 What part does music play in your life? What’s your favourite kind of music? Do you listen to music/radio when you scrap? If so, what kind? How does music affect your mood?
I love music, theres so many different reasons the music goes on. I have music for when I am sad - Gareth Gates was played at Leo's funeral. Ronan Keating Lovin' Each Day is my feel good song. I love anything thats got words I can sing along to. Theres a layout all about Lovin' Each Day here http://photos1.blogger.com/hello/48/10602/320/Lovin%27%20Each%20Day.jpg

22/09/06 Today's blog prompt is about friends and friendships: Do you have a true friend? What is a true friend, after all? Are you a good friend? Describe your friend(s) or perhaps need/wish for one. I found two quotes that might help: ‘Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things’ (Author Unknown) and ‘A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.’ (Grace Pulpit).
Hmm this is a hard one, the people in real life I have considered true friends have always ended up hurting me. My online friends are the best they listen when I need them to and hopefully I do the same, I always try to be. I will admit that I consider Mark to be my very best friend. Why is he my best friend? Because I feel that I can tell him anything, I feel I can share everything with him and he will just listen and react usually by giving me a hug, he doesn't judge me. I hope I am a similar sort of person with all my friends including him.

24/09/06 So many of us rush through our days - Not letting the little things that usual mean so much to us get a look in, we fill our time doing things for other people, and putting so many people before us.If you could spend a day, doing everything for yourself, with no indulgence spared - what would you do.... 24 solid selfcentred beautiful hours!
24 Hours to do whatever I want, OMG as if lol.
While I would start with a bath on my own - No Lukas.
Then I would buy more digi stash. Scrap layouts for a few hours. Then I would take Lukas to the park and take lots of pictures and then come home and scrap some more. Go to bed and actually sleep instead of tossing and turning. Apart from the sleep thing that is a pretty good description of my weekends lol.

25/09/06 What is your favorite fashion accessory or clothing item that describes you? Do you have any fashion phobias or fashion pet hates? What do you wear when you want just comfort? What makes you feel at your very most attractive? Do you have a fashion lucky charm (for example, something you wear to a first interview)? Anything you wish you could wear but don't feel you can?
My Favourite fashion accessory is actually a work in progress, for my wedding I have ordered a custom charm bracelet. Everyone of the charms is a part of who I am.
I have charms that have my name and birthday, my starsign, my birthstone,Allergic to latex, I have a Leo charm, In memory of my son charm, Mother Son charm, I love my Nana, 0% Angel, Good girl bad intentions, I don't do mornings, I also have some that I will add on my wedding day Husband and wife and the date of my wedding.
The other parts of this prompt I will come back to.

26/09/06 What are your scrapbook ‘buttons’? What item(s) do you find you can’t enough of? Have too many of? Can’t find ‘the perfect one’ of? Sets you in a rant about? Disappoint you the most?
Oh dear this sounds like confession time. I have way too many papers, that I never seem to get around to using.My current thing I can't get enough of is layered templates. Lazy I know but I seem to have no inspiration of my own at the moment. Im still looking for the perfect kit to use for Leo layouts. What sets me in a rant nothing that I can think of scrapbook related.

27/09/06 What’s your dream holiday destination? Why? What would you do on your holiday? How much time would you spend there? Who would you take with you?Your dream holiday destination can be somewhere you've actually been or just somewhere you would like to go in the future. Be as descriptive as possible
Holidays don't really know what to write for that so will come back to it.

28/09/06 Dreams, goals, fantasies, whatever you call them: Describe FIVE things you’d like to accomplish in your (future) lifetime. How do you plan to do them? What are you doing today to prepare for/do each of them?
Five things I would like to accomplish for me one of those would have to be one day where nothing went wrong. Another would be a day without any pain. Remembering to get and post birthday cards on time would be amazing, I hate letting people down because of my rubbish memory. I would love to have another baby and be a great mum to Lukas and anyone else who comes along. I guess another small one is that I would love to be published in a scrapbooking magazine, because it would make Mark proud.

29/09/06 What were your favourite subjects in school? (This can be at multiple stages, such as primary school through to university.) What do you still love to learn or study or read about? What do you wish you had learned or studied?
I loved I.T lol. Computers make me happy. I love to learn anything new especially new scrapping techniques. I sometimes wish I had stayed on at college and finished my catering course. But maybe I will go back to it at some point.

01/10/06 PET HATES..if you had to list the top 5 pet hates.. the things that physically make you go "UGH"what would they be? what peeves you? What can make you leave a room!? Have a think and show us all your top five!
Top 5 pet hates OMG thats hard.
Theres lots that I hate. People standing in aisles talking and ignoring me when I say please excuse me, Excuse me, Excuse me, Move lol. Lukas's teachers talking to Mark about him - criticisms not compliments but not saying anything to me. Checkout staff in tescos that go so sssssslllllllllllooooooooowwwwwwwllllllllllyyyyyyyyy. Women in clothes shops looking at you as if to say you are way too fat to be shopping in here. People in Macdonalds who order the biggest meal on the menu and then follow that with "and a diet coke because I am on a diet". Adding that on the end annoys me, because I don't get why they feel the need to justify their food order to the idiots behind the counter because they dont want to be judged. That knowing look the staff give when I order something with a diet coke always makes me want to scream at them "yes diet, because I dont like coke, I would prefer caffiene free but you dont do it" lol.Oh dear I guess Macdonalds annoy me more than anything else. So while I am ranting about them I may as well do the rest of the stuff that annoys me about them. Lukas doesn't like ketchup on his burger it makes me heave but getting them to make a burger without it is like pulling teeth. Cold chips is annoying, ones drowned in salt is worse (especially since I don't add salt to anything). Dirty tables frustrate me but not as much as one person sitting at a family booth does. My biggest pet hate about Macdonalds has nothing to do with the franchise or the staff its about customers, that use the disabled toilets just because they are lazy gits. The baby changing room is in there too so if you have a soaking wet child/baby stinking out the place you have to wait for arrogant men and women doing their make-up. Im going to stop now because I could fill pages and pages about Macdonalds lol.

Oh Dear

I have got bad at this blogging thing haven't I lol.
In my defence I am getting ready to move house,planning my wedding and doing normal day to day life. But I promise to make more of an effort.
I love my blog it gives me somewhere to unload the contents of the day and make space in my head for tomorrow.
Anyway, what news do I have to share today? um let me think lol.
I still don't have my computer back because Mark hasn't even rung Dell to fix it yet.So I still have no private data (letters,cards,notes,poems etc), no recent photos and a few other things missing. Including my music collection *sob*. I haven't done any scrapping for a while because things are so crazy mad. I miss it a lot, I really enjoy releasing my creativity.I do have stash still though I didn't lose that this time. Having a lot of trouble sleeping which doesn't help the being exhausted thing all the time. What else do I have to say? Oh I cant remember could do some more blog prompts I suppose.

wedding progress happy happy

I have been very very busy getting stuff ready for my wedding.
I am absolutely ecstatic today, I have won the dress I wanted from ebay.
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&ih=018&item=280030187265&rd=1&sspagename=STRK%3AMEWA%3AIT&rd=1
if you want to take a look.
I have shoes,handbag,tiara,underwear.
I have favours (is there a u in that?) sorted and bubbles for my table.
Registry office will be paid for in full on Tuesday.
Mark has a waistcoat, Lukas has a waistcoat, Karl doesn't want one.
Apparently we have a photographer sorted but I want to confirm everything with my brother (since he is sorting that out) before I get excited.
Now we have to sort out a disco and a few other small parts.Then thats it our wedding is organised.
My mum has been quite helpful and that makes things so much easier.

TMI Alert

So from the title you were warned. lol
Last night I did do a pregnancy test and the result was negative, which I have to admit I was very relieved about. Although admitedly a little sad about today.
So after a sleepless night last night and some restless sleep today, I have come to a decision. Love is a blessing and a curse. I love Mark with all my heart and soul and right now I don't feel leaving him is the right option. I intend on going through with the wedding and helping Mark to work on the issues.
So maybe I was over-reacting and being a drama queen last night but seeing pornographic images of rape on our computer made my blood run cold. I have been on the other side of it and the idea that someone especially Mark would enjoy watching that made me feel sick.
I will admit last night there was a part of me that wished I followed some sort of religion, that I was more than willing to have got down and asked for a little divine help. But that would make me a complete hypocrite, I dont think its right to believe in a god as and when it suits you.
So today when I got up it suddenly dawned on me that maybe I should ask Mark what I wanted to know which was Why? I know in my heart he would never be capable of doing something like that he could never hurt me. I know he loves me, when that dawned on me im not sure. It could have been when I saw Mark sitting on the floor sobbing a complete wreck, he's lost himself somewhere and I know hes confused because he doesn't know how it happened or how to fix it. It could have been as I laid next to him in our bed this morning sleeping peacefully how innocent and fragile he looked.
As I tried to ask him why and the words wouldn't come I realised I didn't need to know why. Because whatever the reason(s) knowing them wouldn't help me move on. But they could have made me more confused.
Course of action from here on in is to work on our trust, talk lots and love each other. Make an appointment with Mark for the doctors. Then just take everything one day at a time.

ramblings of an overloaded mind

When theres problems in life the gut instinct is to run to your friends. But what about when the stuff you need to talk about is caused by your best friend. When its something you cant discuss with just anyone where do you run then? How do you give enough details to convey the problem without airing parts you are ashamed of the parts that make you feel sick.
So lets go for a huge all in vent and try and clear my head enough to function I will start with the stuff I want to shout about and hopefully I will get myself so worked up the other stuff will come spilling out.
Yesterday after another night of insomnia I got home from Nans about 7pm and went to bed. I hadn't bathed Lukas, fed him or anything I was just too exhausted to care. I knew Mark would be home soon and he would take care of it. I slept through until I was rudely awaken this morning, because we had an appointment to go to - Declaring our intent to marry at the registry office.
Now the people who are reading this know me well enough to know that
1. I don't do mornings. The only time I am ever out of bed before middayish is when I haven't been to bed the night before.
2. I don't do punctual. Its a running joke I will be late to my own funeral.
So the shock of me being at the registry office at 8:30am for a 9am appointment may very well kill my friends off, lol.
They asked us all the legal questions are you free to marry,blah blah blah. Yes Yes Yes etc.
As I sat that it dawned on me that even though I wasn't really into the idea of marriage I was actually commiting to spend the rest of my life with Mark. The reservations and doubts hadn't been strong enough to make me back out of doing it. As I signed that form in front of me I will admit I felt like it wasn't me doing it, like I was watching someone else sign my life away.
Things started getting complicated when the registrar asked what name we would be taking. I scowled at her and told her it was a sore point lol. I hate the idea of giving up my name, because I feel like I would be signing a piece of myself away. I would become his property Mrs Charlett not Crystal anymore. Bizarre I know but thats me all over. The registrar was very understanding and said it didn't matter she didn't need to know today. When we stepped outside Mark through me for a complete loop with the simple comment "would it make you happy if I changed my name for you". Huh that wasn't in the blueprints. There was no warning of that one coming. I was bloody shocked senseless and just stood there staring at him like he was some crazy person.
We got home I went to bed. Lately I am just shattered all the time. I feel sick and just generally shit shall I make it better - I'm late. Being pregnant now would obviously make perfect sense since its at the very least damn inconvienient lol but as we all know babies come when babies feel like coming and if its bad for you its good for them.Shall we explore that opinion.I fell pregnant with Lukas after being raped whilst at work, we didn't and still don't know if Lukas is Marks we just decided it didn't matter. If he is that other persons (damn I shudder calling him that) thats TS because Marks on his birth certificate as his daddy because to us he is. So technically thats fraud or lying by omission by I dont give a crap.
I fell pregnant with Leo when me and Mark were fighting and had split up. Because I thought (although never proved) he was screwing around with a slapper from work.I found out I was pregnant with Leo a few days after I had poured vodka all over Mark clothes and threatened to set fire to them. I had also chopped up all his socks and pants.I never claimed to be normal lol
The first and second miscarriages came when we had a settled (well for us anyway lol) relationship. When the timing was great for us and they were more desired than anything.
So anyway switching back to the being asleep thing. When I woke up, Mark was out fixing Beckys computer. (Becky is his brothers ex girlfriend). I turned my machine on and something wasn't right I had an internet connection but no webpages were loading. I was annoyed but just switched on the laptop to use the internet on that. When Mark got back he said oh no worries its easy to fix that. Please note at this point we have already restored this machine to factory defaults this week because it was being so slow. So he goes to do it and we get an error message first thought oh shit. Error urges us to restart tried that double shit we now have an error and the machine wont turn on. Think no big deal Dell can repair it have back ups of everything.Then I start trying to load all my vital programs onto laptop to use until my baby is fixed. Can you guess what happened next? Well it doesn't take rocket science to work out that a simple error means I dont have the damn backups of my photos. The error being I moved not copied files across onto other machine. So I was devastated I thought I had lost every one of my photos. My rubbish filing system came to my rescue though. I have only lost all Nans photos, and the most recent ones unless Dell can restore them. I was calm enough because at least my pictures of Leo were safe. Until the laptop did the same thing suddenly refused to load webpages.
My first reaction was of annoyance, I just thought never mind I will back up the stuff on here and restore that one. No big deal. Thats where my biggest problem started. When looking through the My Documents to make sure there was nothing important to back up I found some stuff I wasn't expecting. I thought by the time I got to this point I would be ready to talk, but I don't think I am. Lets just say it was content I sure as hell wasn't expecting to see Mark had. I have a few secrets the only one that knows all the small details of my life is Mark. He's my best friend and I have shared so much with him. I never thought the things which have had the worst impacts on my life would be things he would want to watch for pleasure. Im so confused and messed up right now. I dont really know what to do or where to turn.One of my instincts tells me to grab Lukas and run. Not to stop running until I am far far away from here. Another part drives me crazy telling me that I love him. Im scared now that things I told Mark from my past excited him. I don't know who he is anymore. The person I love (or should that be loved) respected and trusted is not the person I thought he was. I feel sick to the stomach. I have been crying a lot.What if I am pregnant then where do I go from here, even if I am not its still a lot to think about. Mark says he doesn't remember downloading the stuff, doesn't remember watching it. I actually believe him because he has forgotten loads of stuff since he became depressed.He says he will get help, I just don't know if I have the strength to help him fix the problems or even if I want to help him. But just getting some of it off my chest has made me feel so much better. Now I am off to do a pregnancy test maybe that will help clear some things up - knowing my luck it will just complicate things further.

Let the moaning recommence

Remember how I said I had nothing to moan about today I do.
Lets start with Royal Mail and post in general. I received a letter today stating they would be stopping my child benefit for Lukas because I hadn't filled in a form. I hadn't received the stupid thing in the first place. So the poor man on the other end of the phone got an earful, but I got my money back lol. I also had a letter from the bank because I went £3.33 over my overdraft - with spending they authorised I may add they have charged me £30 *sigh* I hate banks and I would swear 90% of the time they allow the money to be spent so they can charge me grrr.
The other letter I received today was saying that my magazine subscription that the bank authorised had been returned due to lack of funds whats the betting theres a charge for that as well.
Now we can move onto another pet hate of mine - Lukas's nursery.
You may recall my issue with them last term was Lukas's teacher aka the hound from hell. Today I have a new issue and it boils down to them trying to tell me how to be a parent.
On Lukas's first day we took him together, with two changes of clothes in his bag, made a point of telling the teachers this is Lukas, this is Lukas's bag his clothes are in there.
Lukas came home in a pair of their pants and trousers not because he had used his but because apparently "none were supplied for him". Lukas was ill after that came out in a rash I bit my tongue and said nothing. When he went back after being ill Mark picked him up and the teacher had a go at Mark because Lukas can't dress himself. He can he just needs a little help can't do buttons,socks etc. I still said nothing even though I was annoyed.Next session Mark picked him up again this time they were moaning because Lukas cant write his name without help hes only just 4 and I dont really think that is an issue. He will get there eventually. He's been off ill again etc and today what they said has made me furious. Note this stuff always gets said to Mark they dont dare say it to me, "You, have an extremely overweight lazy child, he needs some serious exercise". Lukas was a premature baby and I have taken him to the Doctors more times than I can count because he has no energy - just like his mum. As a child I was severly anaemic to the point of having weekly iron injections and iron tablets 3 times a day. They are looking into whether Lukas has the same problem. When we took him for his check etc they said he was large for his age. Asked for a food diary and were shocked at how little he actually eats. When I registered Lukas I told them about all this. I warned them that some days he cant do anything because he is so tired. I think saying that was damn rude and insensitive. I will be taking him to school tomorrow and I very much doubt I will be able to hold my tongue. The other thing about school today that annoyed me is he has homework! HE'S 4!!. Also has a letter saying they are taking them weekly to something called Forest School think mud and outdoor activities. Lukas despises mud and dirt. I have to pay for the priveledge of making him do something he will hate. Great and it gets better they require Parent Volunteers. I would rather eat my own head but I guarantee I will get guilted into it just like I always do, if not I am willing to bet Lukas will do his usual - Mummy can do it.
GRRRRRRRR I need chocolate, then I have more tidying up to do *sigh*

Bad Bad blogger

But blogging seems pointless at the moment because I have nothing to moan about. LOL
So lets try some blog prompts.
06/09/06 The world is a wondrous place. If family, money and a job were not a factor, where would you most like to live? Why? What are the factors, to you, that make a great place to live? What do you like or not like about where you live currently?
I dont care where in the world I am as long as Mark,Nan and Lukas are there. I only need them an internet connection and my computer to make me happy. I am really looking forward to finally moving back to Nans though, thats my ideal home. Soppy today aren't I lol.

07/09/06 What are five ways you can think of (or perhaps have done) that may change the course of someone's life for the better? What small things can you do to make the world a better place?
Five things I think would make the world better, thats a tough question. Lets see well as you can see from my previous post I dont think that enough people pick up the phone and call their friends/family for a chat anymore. I also dont think enough people take the time to really listen to what other people say. I would love to see people taking the time to just be for a while and do something they enjoy. Taking the time thats spent feeling guilty for not doing xxx (insert thing of choice) and using it to have fun would be great. I dont know I cant really think right now. I like to think I make the world a better place by doing these things and telling people they are special to me and appreciated.

08/09/06 How has your scrapbooking (layouts, skills, attitude, likes/dislikes, etc.) changed or evolved since you started? If it hasn’t changed, should it? Has scrapbooking (or its evolution) impacted your life in any way? New friends? New experiences? New attitudes?
OMG where do I start with this one. Without scrapping I wouldn't have the wonderful collection of friends worldwide that I have, I would probably be back on the anti-depressants or lower than that and I definately wouldn't be planning my wedding.
It was working on layouts that let me really explore my feelings and work out how I felt, it helped me deal with the pain of losing Leo. I have found a whole new artistic side to myself. I feel creative and free but most of all useful. This one needs exploring in more depth so I will come back to it.

10/09/06 This weeks question:YOUR FAVOURITE LAYOUTS....If you have to choose two Layouts - one of your own, and one of someone elses that inspires you - what would they be? Its a time to boost you're own ego as well as someone elses!!Post a link or photo of the layouts on your blog with words of praise to youself and those you have chosen.You are worth it!
Will take some thought.

11/09/06 Use a quote that describes your life, your feelings, your fears, or your thoughts. Talk about how it applies to you. A quote can be a proverb, a saying, a line from a song or poem or book, a family saying — whatever is meaningful to you.
A while back the song I have on this blog would have summed me up perfectly Incomplete. Listen to the words and you will see where I was. Now I would be more inclined to chose my favourite song of all time Ronan Keatings Lovin' Each Day. The words for that seem perfect right now "im loving each day as if its the last,dancing all night and having a blast". Ok admitedly it would be more like scrapping/chatting all night but you get my point.

14/09/06 What technology/tools do you use in scrapping and/or your life in general? How has it changed your life? If it were gone tomorrow, how would it affect you? Which of the new technologies/tools do you embrace, or do you treat them as a necessary evil?
Now as a Digi Scrapper thats lost her stash twice I can answer this question without hesitation. If my computer was gone tomorrow I would cry my heart out. I adore my computer without access to my digi stash,my pictures and probably most importanly my internet I go crazy. Everything I love except Lukas,Nan and Mark lives in this computer. I would miss my friends and my creative release. Now emails those are a necessary evil lol. I swear they breed when I am not looking. They seem to multiply from nowhere, except when I am waiting for one and then they get lost in cyberspace. lol

What’s your ‘creative process’? Where do you get your inspiration? How do you like to work (for example, do you like quiet or stimulating music? Does the house have to be tidied first?)? What really gets the juice flowing for you? What do you do if it stops? What inhibits your creativity?
My creative process I will confess that just like the rest of my life its pretty random lol. Sketches are a great source of inspiration for me. But I have been found taking pictures of trees because "it would make a great pattern", Taking a screen shot of my printer screen because "the curve graphics would make a cool accent on a page". I see inspiration everywhere. Pages can start with a picture or with a kit, with a layout in mind or even with the idea of lets just play and see what happens. I like to work to music though when I am writing poetry I prefer silence. Does my house need to be tidy *sniggers* as if lol. I am messy messy messy.If my creativity stops I try something new a tutorial,kit,designer is usually enough to give me the kick up the bum I need. Sometimes my favourite thing to do is scraplift myself take an old layout and redo it maybe in different colours or a different arrangement just to prove to myself I can still scrap.

18/09/06 If you could find out the truth about one thing, what would it be?
I think if I had to choose one thing it would be why Leo died. When the coronor recorded an inconclusive verdict I was hurt,upset and furious. All that time waiting and not knowing and we still didn't know anything. I hated them for performing 2 autopsies for nothing, I hated them for keeping him for so long. I just wanted to know why and they couldn't tell me. I felt cheated by that.

19/09/06 How do you keep up with the ‘latest trends’ in scrapbooking, or do you? What’s your favourite ‘latest trend’ at the moment? Have you tried it yourself? What’s your favourite trend that you DO use a lot?
Right now my favourite digi stash is layered templates, if you haven't seen these yet have you been asleep? These are they next generation of sketches, they aren't flattened so all you do is select you template and your kit>place paper/element above layer you want it to become >press ctrl+g (pse) or ctrl+alt+g (pscs2) and you group the paper to the layer of the template>move the paper to where you want it and press Ctrl+e to merge them together.Very very cool.
If I don't like a "trend" I just dont use it on my layouts.

If you were to build a patchwork quilt to represent your life -- one in which each square would represent a milestone or a quality that, when taken as a whole quilt, would capture the essence of who you are for your family and friends when you are gone -- what would it look like, what would you include? Describe a few of the patchwork pieces.
This one will need a layout and another day, I'ts nearly 5am lol.

BT Got it right it is good to talk

Something we often forget when we chat online and use public forums.
As brilliant as the smileys/emoticons are they don't even begin to compare to hearing a friend laugh, just to talk to someone about bits of randomness and craziness in your life, feels great.
On that note I am off to do something else that feels good (at least the end result does) restoring order in my life chaos, I like having my files where I can find them, I like having a desk that I can say and even though the process is to say the very least dull, the end result is worth it.

Nan again

So we went to Ines party yesterday, bless her she looked so pretty in her little party dress.
We had a great time everyone was so friendly and I took some great pictures.
Called Nan on the way home and she had called the doctor out again, I dont know whats wrong with her shes in pain and I hate it. I hate not being able to do anything to help her. The stupid doctor told her to take a paracetamol why is that always there response if it was the simple you would do it yourself, wouldn't you. I went to sleep last night after the party I was so wiped out. Called Nan this morning and shes waiting for another doctor to come out. Im scared I really am, I dont want to lose her. I feel so helpless and useless.

Just need to vent.

There are two many thoughts racing around my head so I need to let some go for a while.
Last night two major events happened, I went to my mums and she was actually nice and helpful. She was even nice to Mark. Personally I am favouring the she's possessed option lol.
She doesn't do nice its unnerving.So we spent a long time at my mums and then we got home. I was just sorting emails and talking to a friend when my phone started to giggle (thats my ringtone). I knew something was wrong and when I saw Nans number I panicked. I said I would go straight down and she never argued, thats not Nan.I called a taxi and went home to her. When I called the out of hours doctors they heard her age and refused to deal with her, put me straight through to the ambulance service. When they arrived they checked her over did and ECG,BP,SATS, and asked loads of questions. Shes stubborn as a mule they said they could take her to the hospital or they could call a doctor out who would probably take a few hours, and she does her usual "I dont want to go to hospital". So I replied in my eloquent manner "shut up and do as your told" lol. Then she starts nagging me about my allergy medication now that was very Nan and I was suddenly a lot less worried. I had a first of riding in the front of an ambulance (usually I am in back lol),They ran a few tests on her at the hospital - ECG,BP,Heart,Pulse,Urine,Blood,Xrays, They gave her some kick ass painkillers and said she could go home. Maniac taxi driver and extortionate ride home only to find daft people had left the cannula in her arm. I'm so glad I know how to remove them,she sometimes being bad has its uses - I can only remove them because of removing my own so many times.So after a night of worrying and no sleep fingers crossed she's a lot better now. Strangely all my doubts about whether I wanted to get married no longer exist she scared me and I want her to see me married, even though Mark is currently driving me up the wall lol.
We're just off to a birthday party, so will be back later.

what a difference a few days make

Oh I am such a bad blogger, I have major news and I forgot to come share.
So in the 5 days since I last blogged a lot of stuff has happened. I got engaged, bought a ring, set and booked a date and have started planning my wedding.
We are getting married on the 20th January 2007 @ 4:30pm. The registrar is booked, the hall for the reception is booked, Invitations,cake and food are sorted.
Now the question is why are we getting married? Lets start with the reasons for other people.
Marks worried about his mums cancer, he wants to do it for her. Shes back from her holiday now and doesn't seem too impressed by the idea. I want to do it partially for Nan shes not well and I know if I ever did get married without her there it wouldn't be the same, shes the most special person in my life along with Lukas and Mark. Onto reasons for us, Mark feels the need to declare he loves me to the whole world. Me well lets just say I don't. I am the first to admit I don't understand the point of marriage, I dont want to be Mrs Charlett I like my name, its a part of who I am but Marks as stubborn as I am about that. There are lots of reasons why us getting married is a bad idea.
1. We are paying for the wedding so I intend on inviting my dad - who my mum despises.
2. The cost is extrotionate its £320 for the registry office because we want to get married after 12 theres also a fee of £30 each for I belive a declaration.Plus all the other costs that come with a wedding.
3. Mark wants to ask his brothers ex girlfriend to be his best person, (this is the one David cheated on with the now wife)
4. Its a lot of work and stress.
5. I hate being looked at, to me the idea of a whole day where everyones eyes are on me is my idea of hell on earth. I could list loads of other reasons, I won't though its depressing.But its booked now so its tough, I will just have to work through the issues as best I can.
I do love Mark and I do want to be with him forever and if I have to have a wedding to do that I guess a girls gotta do what everyone expects of her. At least Mark has grasped the concept that I don't want to be a domestic goddess, he knows better than to expect me to ever be anything like that. I like running the hoover around, dusting, washing up. I don't mind fighting with the washing machine, cleaning the bath etc. I can cook (sshhhh thats a secret I am not letting Mark in on lol), but I cant do raw meat makes me heave. I can keep a house clean its just tidy I can't seem to grasp lol.

Highs,Lows and Gareth Gates

So it's just occured to me I haven't updated on here for a few days. So lets start with the bad stuff and end on a positive note.
The MIL doesn't need to have a mastectomy, because thats the least of their concerns the Cancer has spread. She has it in her liver and her kidney and possibly her bones as well. This was a big shock to the system, especially since she only went for routine bloods before her mastectomy. As you know from the previous post 3 members of the New Crew are no more. Suzy,Anna and Jude decided to leave. They are now part of a new team and while theres a part of me that hurts a bit over them leaving I hope they are happy where they are now. Now onto the good stuff I saw Nan yesterday I knew I had missed her but never realised how much. Shes one in a million and the greatest gift in my life. She gave me a wonderful gift she paid for a program to recover my files and I am ecstatic to have them all back. I don't know how to thank her. The Gareth Gates part of the title all relates to a song. "Alive" and the reason is because thats how I feel today. I feel like anything is possible today if I can recover things I thought were gone for good in one area why not in others?
My engagement ring is going back on my finger and let's just say we re-discovered why arguments aren't always a bad thing. LOL. I am inspired to scrap again and I am greatful for life however crap it may be at times. Oh it does of course help that the MIL and FIL are off on holiday for a week and we have house to ourself lol.

Week from hell

I guess some weeks in life just leave you stunned, confused and not sure how you have arrived at the point you are in life.
This has been one of those weeks. The fight with Mark left me unsure of what I feel towards him. Even now we are on shaky ground, where we go from here is uncertain at best.
Yesterday I lost a large amount of digi stash again, I was devastated and felt like for some reason everything was just going wrong.
My response was to have a few drinks so I could go to sleep and hopefully wake up to everything being better. Getting drunk is never the answer to solving problems but I did get a great nights sleep. I woke up and found out that 3 of my friends have decided to leave the team on UKS. I feel so sad. I want to be angry but its just not happening, because I feel responsible. I feel like its I have been moaning a lot and I know no-one want to hear about other peoples problems. I have tried to keep my moaning to here though. I feel so overwhelmed by life and everything lately. I just want to have some way to make things better, I will be happy with just one day thats not full of drama.

Join me for a pity party

Im feeling very sorry for myself. As you know from previous post my period arrived in its full glory. The part that wasn't already crushed by it coming was when I noticed that its not just blood. I have had two definate miscarriages before and 2 possibles this is definately another possible. As if that didn't make me sad enough all hell broke loose here today. Work phoned Mark this morning and informed him he was supposed to be there. I went off my tree because we had a day out all arranged, the fighting and argument escalated to the point where I said I was leaving. All this because even when asked repeatedly Mark can't do a simple thing like check a rota. So I had one of my stupid fits didn't I, in the kitchen - the only room with a concrete floor and boy do my ribs know about it. Without massive amounts of painkillers breathing hurts like hell. Oh well shall just add it to my list of other things that make life hard. After this Mark starts shouting and saying "he needs time to think", Lukas at this point is screaming "Daddy,please don't go, please don't leave me" and Mark replied "Daddy will be back in a minute" left and went to work like everything was normal. When he went I couldn't actually use my right arm properly either Shoulder had taken a whack too but is fine now. I took Lukas to the park to try and work out what had happened and then I came home and started panicing.
Everything in my life is falling apart, and I don't know how to process that he had just gone to work. Poor Debs she called me after me losing the plot on the team thread, and spent over an hour listening to me. I know shes religious but thats akin to sainthood - you're one in a million Debs thank you. While I wasn't actually content at losing the plot only that much and after Mark called me from work and didn't grasp why I was angry and crying. I decided to take drastic action I walked around to the hospital with Lukas in tow. Then I made Lukas cry, I threatened to leave him there with Mark. I actually turned and walked as far as the door about 10 steps before I turned around and went back to soothe him. I couldn't do it. I couldn't bear hearing him cry. I was trying to make a point to Mark so that he could feel what it's like to be left to comfort Lukas when he's inconsolable. As any sane person would tell you hospitals and severe latex allergies dont mix and stress+ allergy= messed up weird person who is confused and crazy. Mark had to bring me home from the hospital round the corner in a taxi. He then left Lukas with his mother and went back to work. I was really bad with the confusion etc and my ribs were killing and he just left. I sleep badly on and off until he got home then I left. I walked around for a while narrowly avoided getting dragged into a fight and then came home. I don't know where I stand now or what happens next. I am confused because I don't feel Mark cares anymore. To be honest I think its one of those damned either way things if I stay, Mark won't change he will still be stupid and thoughtless and not listen. If I leave I know it will hurt me and Lukas more than it hurts Mark. It just feels so hopeless. He says he loves me but I don't feel like he even understands what love is. Lukas is supposed to be going back to school later today but he doesn't have his trainers, Mark never took back his new outfit that Tesco's left the tag on I haven't cut his hair or anything. Lukas is tossing and turning and crying in his sleep, I haven't been to bed because of my ribs and not being able to settle because theres too much on my mind. Mark well he's flat out snoring like a train hasn't moved all night, and you wonder why I think he doesn't care.

Tags and prompts

So Wendy has tagged me
rules: List 5 weird things about yourself or your pets. Then tag 5 friends and list them. Then those 5 friends need to state their 5 weird things on their blog, listing the rules and then tag 5 more people. Don't forget to let the person know in their blog that you tagged them or we will never find out their weird attributes.

Five weird things about me:
1. I hate almost all sauces of any description the exceptions are apple sauce, gravy, white sauce from a jar and theres another one but I can't think
2. The smell of mint makes me heave
3. I can clean up any poop but can't do sick
4. I can't be found out of bed before 11/12 unless I haven't managed to get their
5. I buy high heeled shoes because they are pretty and never wear them because they hurt.

Five weird things about the pet: She's a Hamster called Crazy or Rosie 2 (depends if MIL is about)
1. She likes to climb upside down across the top of her cage
2. She doesn't eat the hamster food sh puts it through the bars
3. The reason she doesn't eat the hamster food is because she only likes Lukas's breakfast and the other bits of food he feeds her.
Cheerios,Frosties, Shreaded Wheat,Prawn Crackers, Quavers, Skips, Toast and Pizza being her favourite
4. She takes all the bedding out of her house and moves it to other site of cage and then sleeps between pile of bedding and house.
5. She alternates between having a drink and trying to gnaw her way out of the cage.

I can even do you five weird things about Lukas
1. He likes pizza with pepperoni and peppers but only of one colour he picks the others off
2. He loves egg fried rice once hes picked the peas out put them on a seperate plate and eaten them
3. He only likes ketchup with his chips if its in an egg cup
4. He won't eat the crusts on sandwiches because he's scared of biting his fingers if you cut the crusts off he will leave the same amount of bread as there was crust
5. He only eats pink meat (Ham, bacon, luncheon meat) because according to him the other stuff isn't ready.

Not so sure about tagging anyone though so if you want to answer the tag leave me a comment when you are done and I will come see

Blog Prompts apparently I have three to catch up on so lets get on with it
01/09/06 It’s a colourful world: What’s your favourite colour? What’s your least-liked colour? Do colours have meanings or evoke emotions for you? Do they affect your senses? How has scrapbooking affected your sense of colour… or vice versa? Are you more aware of colour in your environment now?
My favourite colours are red and purple, my least liked colour is pink. Im a digi scrapper so I have the advantage of being able to change colours to suit what I want to scrap them with. I don't think colours really do affect my senses. Although beautiful things do make me feel happy like sunsets and clouds.

03/09/06 I want you to Blog your Favourite part of youself! We all know we can fill a day describing what we would change - but what wouldnt you change!?!?!?
I love my eyes, I have really long eyelashes and deep brown eyes. They are actually the only part of me I don't dislike.

05/09/06 What are the five signs of you?When someone walks into your house how do they know without you saying anything that your at home? What things do you do that let people know your around? We all do it without thinking about it. Tell us what are yours.
Five signs of me lets think,
There would be a least 5 handbags piled somewhere in the room I swap between them depending on where I am going,Theres more than likely going to be mess, The floor will have a high percentage of toys to carpet ratio, There will be music cds stacked on the shelf of mine and cds not in cases everywhere of Marks and I will probably disappear upstairs to get something and not re-emerge because I am chatting online lol. I don't think I do anything to let people know I am around because they just know i'm there I am not exactly small or quiet.

A Day full of drama and sadness

So lets start with an update on yesterdays post. The matter I was discussing has now been resolved blog links are allowed.I don't really want to say anything else about this today as there are other things bothering me more.
Lukas wanted to paint earlier today and since Marks mother was cleaning and whinging I decided to let him do it in our room, on his bed.
It was fine until lukas decided to be an idiot and climb behind the mattress again. He gets told off for this constantly. He managed to knock water and paints everywhere luckily his bed just needed a wipe off and he missed the mattress. He knew he was in trouble just by seeing the look on my face and promptly ran off downstairs. Little monster.
So I have learnt quite a few things today.
But the one I have decided to share is this one :Sometimes you don't know you want something until you haven't got it.
Remember the post on Sunday about my period being late. Well its arrived and I am heartbroken. I know theres always other months but 12 days is a long time. Maybe theres a part of me that wonders if I was and I had another miscarriage or maybe its just that I an angry because I feel my body has let me down again. But I think a lot of my problem comes from an innocent sleepy comment Mark made the other night. He was asleep and he turned over and put his hand on my tummy. Then he mumbled something about would be a nice birthday present just like yours. Which made me cry. Lukas was my 17th birthday present because thats the day we found out we were expecting him. Lukas did something bizarre earlier he kissed my tummy and when I asked him why he said "I'm kissing the baby girl from Leo" that made me cry too. I guess theres a lot of wishful thinking in this household at the moment. The injustice of it stings a lot people like my mum can just have babies they dont have to try. While I know I am by no means a perfect mummy I like to think I don't do that bad of a job. Tomorrow we are taking Lukas to the fair and then Wednesday hes off back to school. I have to try and put on a happy face when all I want to do is sit and cry.

My Blog a directory of ads

With my spending addiction this blog oftens turns into an ad for various scrapping resources and sites. But according to certain people placing a link to this blog as part of my signature is against the rules because it links to other places.So since this is MY BLOG and its in capital letters so that anyone reading it has that point driven home, I am going to continue doing whatever I want on it. No-one has to read it. Theres even a disclaimer at the top of it so if I want to place ads for every site I frequent then I bloody well will do and if anybody doesn't like it well they can just sod off!
Can you tell I am pretty angry today? Good.
If a collection of rules states you can place a link to your blog then how can they then try and sensor what is contained within that blog?
In my opinion that is trying to remove my right to free speech.
The thoughts and feelings conveyed in this blog are mine and mine alone. While I try to reign in some opinions so I don't offend people or hurt peoples feelings I don't believe that I actually have to. Well I choose not to swear on this blog as far as I know there is no reason why I shouldn't. My blog is not breaking any laws that I know of or as far as I am concerned any rules laid out at present.
I believe it is hypocritical to make one set of rules for any one thing/person thats essentially the same as others which receive no punishment and are actually encouraged.
Lets look at it in more detail. The internet works on reccomendations/reciprocal links etc.
The example I present it this.
A scrapper happens upon dedicated2digital>follows links provided to Decembers blog>Deccember has a link to my blog>My Blog has a link to Debs blog>Debs blog has a link to My Craft Studio via this chain it works out that these two businesses are advertising each other. Obviously theres a more direct route (I have link to both available lol) but this demonstartes my point. People see links follow them and find more links along the way its the whole point behind the internet. So on that note my advertisement for today is you follow my link to Debs blog and show her some love and support in her time of need, because some people are just bullies.
So today I have learnt apparently do as I say not as I do is still the way of the world. My answer to that is simple - Hell No

So what have I learned today?

Well yesterday because I haven't done anything today yet.
I think my lesson for today is sometimes life sucks because of other people and you just have to deal with the result and move on.
If you read the previous post you will see why the day sucked, why it was mainly a result of other people and how I had to deal with it. I am going to try and forget about yesterday even the fact that nit lotion = allergic reaction. Burning skin and pretty colours is never a good thing.
I was actually thankful for my latex allergy last night because without the tablets I take for that it would have been really bad. Although I still have the aching desire to break one of Davids bones for every tear I saw Lukas cry yesterday, I am going to restrain myself because today is a whole new day and I am moving on.

On the agenda today is more delousing oh what fun lol.Still only another 13 days to go.
Tidying the pigsty we call home (rumour has it theres carpet in our bedroom under the toys I think I will play at being a mythbuster and see if its true lol)
Ironing (huh?) labels into Lukas's clothes for school
Going shopping to buy trainers for Lukas for school - because the lovely smart ones I bought aren't allowed because "he's 4 and should be capable of dressing himself completely" and you wonder why I love *hear the sarcasm* the hound from hell aka lukas's old teacher.Hip Hip Hooray for someone new to probably drive me mad.
Then theres all the usual stuff for dedicated2digital plus a few extras.
Sorting some more files on my hard drive
Washing all the bedding and stuffed animals who inhabit whole bed.
Trying to find enough clean linen to remake the beds. *cringes at thought*
Finding something to create for dinner haven't a clue what because we haven't been shopping
These are just the main ones and thats without all the little stuff like getting dressed. I can't see anytime in today to get any space to create things without being up all night again.
I think Marks at work tomorrow and we promised Lukas we would go to the fair on Tuesday my bank account says severly overdrawn.
*Taking a deep breath in and telling self "you can do this without going loco"*
Lets just hope the little inner voice is right.
so hi ho hi ho its off to work I go.

Beyond fed up

We have spent almost the whole day trying to remove nits from the household. That Lukas picked up from Joshua. Why does this annoy me let's see:
1. We first noticed Josh had them at Christmas its now August thats 8 months. He will be two in August the length of the neglect by Marks brother and that cretin he calls his wife infuriates me.
2. Lukas only plays with Josh one afternoon a week.
3. It costs £10 for a bottle of stuff to get rid of the horrible little creatures.
4. I had to try and do the impossible of getting a four year old to sit still for over an hour. That was so fun I am bruised all over from elbows and have a rotten headache from his constant screaming.
5. I feel guilty because his poor little head is red even though I tried to be gentle.
6. The whole smells of tea tree and nit lotion and its making me want to be sick.
7. I had to change all the bedding etc thats only been on 2 days
8. I had a fight or three with Mark over it because he doesn't want to say anything to his bloody brother
9. I had more fights with Mark because he won't let me say anything to the stupid waste of space arsehole that is his brother
10. The plan for today was much needed tidying up so now that needs to be done tomorrow on the only day I had nothing planned to do and was going to do some stuff thats important to me like making Marks birthday present which I can't do now.

I want to just sit and cry. Its too much to cope with. I have a list of stuff to do that was already looking overwhelming without adding more stuff and removing a whole day to do it in.Lukas goes back to school on Wednesday and I haven't even been and got his trainers or labelled his clothes yet.

Theres a few other things bothering me today as well. Lukas keeps asking to go and see Leo which breaks my heart. He saw a picture of the hospital on a leaflet and keeps asking why they won't give Leo back. Everything I say to him doesn't seem to sink in. He doesn't understand why we can't just get on a bus and go and see Leo. Marks mums operation is weighing on my mind, as many arguements as we have I actually quite like her. I am worried about how she will be afterwards. Mark doesn't seem to care I feel like I am the only one whose bothered. I want to go and see Nan because I miss her but I can't because of the stupid nits. She's strange like that won't have anyone with them in the house, she has been like that for as long as I can remember. She has always been borderline obsessive compulsive about cleanliness and cleaning her house. So not really a good idea to live with me I give a whole new meaning to the word "messy" lol.

The last thing thats bothering me is a real girl thing, I am late. 12 days late and I am worried.
I don't know if I am pregnant or even at this point if I was whether I would be happy. It would make perfect sense of course that at the worst time possible for us, that I would be because thats sods law. But the whole concept terrifies me. Although a cute little baby is appealing to my ache in my heart and the space in my arms, my head remembers that it will be 7 months at least of hell on earth and maybe the worst case scenario of losing another baby. I don't think I could cope. I hate Leo so damn much for dying and leaving me. I know he didn't chose to but he hurt me more than I ever thought it was possible to hurt. If we hadn't lost him then we wouldn't have had to go through the pain of losing Ambrose this year we would have been using protection. I am a selfish cow I know but I cant help it. I loved him even more than I loved Lukas when he was born because he was my chance to do everything that I screwed up with Lukas right, and then instead of doing more and doing things right I got to do even less. I don't know if I should be keeping my fingers crossed my period doesn't come or if I should be keeping them crossed that it does. I am more confused than I thought possible. I was even considering going and asking the doctor for some more anti depressants because I feel so low, but now I can't because I have to play the waiting game. Patience is not a virtue I am blessed with.

She's Baaaaaack

Yay Nan is home and apparently (although unsure why I am surprised) she has gifts lol.
She said she had a great time and apart from missing the sofa she sleeps on, the aeroplane hurting her ears and not having Me,Lukas and Mark *blush* she wouldn't have changed a thing.
Its raining outside again. But I don't care because my sunshines back.Im so glad she's back home again, and only two buses away.
So I don't really have anything else to say have already done the tagged post and the UKS Blog prompts but I might be back in while with something lol

More UKS Blog Prompts

So I have 3 more to catch up on.
29/08/06 "There ought to be a law": What are your pet peeves? We’ll call this ‘Grumpy old scrapbookers’! List your five top pet peeves about anything (scrapbooking, kids, partners, pets, or just life). If you've seen 'Grumpy Old Men' or 'Grumpy Old Women', you'll know what this means, but you don't have to be old...just grumpy.
I have a layout about this I did earlier in the month
http://photos1.blogger.com/hello/188/8868/640/I%20hate.jpg
So I dont think I will answer that again.

30/08/06 You're having a small intimate dinner party with lots of good food, perhaps a glass or two of wine, and LOTS of sparkling conversation. Each of your five guests must be a real person but can be historical or currently alive. Who will you invite and why? What do you really want to talk about?Have you ever wanted to be a fly on the wall and listen to some famous people? Ever thought you'd really like to ask that so-and-so a question? Ever wanted to give so-and-so a piece of your mind? Here's your chance!
I could think of quite a few people that I would like to invite to a dinner party so I could stare at them and drool lol but not many I could have a conversation with.
So I will have a think and come back to that

31/08/06 Where/What is your comfort? When things get tough or a bit too mad, where do you go for comfort: food? a book? a fantasy? exercise? a secret place? a special friend? hot bath? or … ?
I would have to say my comfort would be right here on my blog, Thats where I turn when I feel like I cant cope anymore and need a release. I write and I keep writing until I feel better. Nan and Mark are always a good place to run for a hug and some comfort. My other place of release is outside in a park. I feel closer to Leo and I talk to the stars I know it sounds bizarre but its comforting to me. I also spent a lot of time outside doing that when I was angry sometimes I just walk until I cant walk anymore.Scrapping is good but I have to have processed the information first maybe to myself or on here.

Tag i'm it

Well I went to read Debs blog and because I read the post I have to answer to tag questions so here goes (normal people do 4/5 tags Debs not 45 lol)
Q1. when was the last time you went to the bathroom outside?
I don't know but I have done a lot more interesting things than that outside lol
Q2. when was the last time you saw your parents?
My dad was at Leos funeral and My Witch Mother go back a few posts I moaned about it lol
Q3. which family member do you most resemble?
No idea as long as its not my mum I don't mind
Q4. do you own your own bible?
Strangely I do I own two one was a birthday gift when I was younger and the second is a Mormon one just so I could try and understand what Debs was on about
Q5. do you wear deodorant ?
Yes usually Dove but I also like Lynx
Q6. do you clean up nice?
I think I always look a mess but Mark says different so ask him lol
Q7. when was the last time you tripped and fell ?
Thats a daily occurence in the sty we call a bedroom
Q8. where was the last place you slept besides your home?
Here at Marks
Q9. what are you listening to right now?
The keyboard as I type lol
Q10. have you ever started an uncontrollable fire?
No but I was with Mark when he accidently set fire to a park lol
Q11. ever run out of diesel/petrol on the road?
Nope can't drive
Q12. would you rather cut the grass or rake the leaves?
Depends do I get the powerful lawnmower or the push along lol
Q13. your middle name spelled backwards?
esiuol
Q14. what is the last thing you downloaded on your computer?
Psp X but I don't like it prefer mt pscs2
Q15. last time you swam in a pool?
Does walking in a pool count? Because thats what happens when I go with Lukas
Q16. have you ever been in a school play?
Yes Henrietta Hippopotomus (how appropriate) Narrator (could be becuase I cant shut up) Cant think what else the idea of standing my fat self in front of people makes me cringe
Q17. how many kid's do you want?
All of mine that live in heaven,Lukas and a girl
Q18. music you dislike most?
Anything without words to sing along with
Q19. you registered to vote?
yes
Q20. you have cable?
We have sky is that the same?
Q21. ever prank call anybody?
No not my style
Q22. would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Neither I don't like heights and I wouldn't be allowed to do either anyway because of the medical issues
Q23. do you have a garden?
Yes the one at home has an 8ft trampoline and is gorgeous the one here is tiny with two sheds and Lukas's toys lol
Q24. whats your favorite comic?
Don't read comics
Q25. bath or shower? morning or night?
Bath does 3am count as Morning or Night?
Q26. best movie you've seen in the past two weeks?
In the army now that was funny
Q27. best pizza topping?
Pepporoni,Sweetcorn,Ham,Pineapple and Extra Cheese
Q28. peanuts or popcorn?
Popcorn salted or sweet
Q29. have you ever smoked?
No
Q30. orange juice or apple?
Tesco value apple juice, Iceland orange juice so depends where I am shopping lol
Q31. chocolate bar?
Yes please lol Galaxy,Chomps, Curly Whirlys
Q32. when was the last time you voted?
Cant remember but since Lukas was born because he came with me
Q33. when was the last time you ate a home grown tomato?
Never don't like tomatoes unless they are puree or canned and cooked lol
Q35. ever order anything from infomercial?
My Mormon bible lol
Q36. sprite or 7up?
Sprite because its usually on special
Q37. have you ever had to wear a uniform to work/ school?
Yes school and work
Q38. ever thrown up in public?
No
Q39. would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
I dont know because you can lose both I suppose being a millionaire I could have my true love at home with me all the time (lukas and mark)
Q40. do you believe in love at first sight?
Yes even if you don't realise it at the time.
Q41. who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
Marks brother when he nearly died
Q42. did you have alot of hair as a baby?
I can't remember one of us did and the other two didn't will ask Nan tomorrow
Q43. what do you think about most?
Leo
Q44. favorite form of traveling?
I don't think I have one they all involve effort
Q45. if you could have one magical power what would it be?
To be able to go to heaven and get my babies back and make Nan immortal so she would never leave me.

hmm May as well do more UKS Blog Prompts as well

Git who guilt trips

aka Mark.He took the day off work to look after me after an extremely bad night. Yet no looking after has occured all he has done is try and make me feel guilty and come up with stupid pathetic lies to tell work. All he has to do is tell them the truth. He works in a hospital they get the whole seizures from hell thing. Theres no need to lie he says "I have to look after Lukas" he doesn't know what he did today? He sent Lukas out for the day with his mother.
I hate being like this and when he tries to make me feel guilty it makes it worse. I wish I could be a normal person.Although I admit hes not all bad he did make me boiled egss and toast earlier and he has gone to hunt for Galaxy caramel or my favourite jelly sweets. Im too hot to concentrate on what else to write at the moment.

Missing Mooby

Thats what me and Mark call Nan, I can't remember what started it but something did and it stuck. I hate not having the option to go and see her, but I spoke to her earlier and shes having a lovely time. Got a bit sunburnt today though. I have been thinking a lot about what it will be like when shes not around I run to her for everything, it will be harder for me than losing all my limbs because shes my best friend,my substitute mum and well she's as much of my world as Mark and Lukas are. I have a great way to bring these posts down dont I lol.
Ok so onto a happier subject - shoppping I am going to show you my presents. Well I was going to show you my present but blogger screwed up all my links.
There was also a whole other section to this post about Lukas and mark arguing over the cars game but Blogger has eaten it and I dont have enough energy to retype it tonight so will add it tomorrow.
Blogger hates me!
Oh well guess it was hungry for a mindless rambling snack.

More UKS Blog prompts

So here we go with a few more blog prompts from UK Scrappers:
When you were a child, what did you want to be/do when you 'grew up'? Why? Did it happen? If not, why not? Is it too late? Were there other unfulfilled goals?
I never had ambitions to be anything when I was at school. When they used to tell me I should go to college etc etc I just used to shrug my shoulders mumble something and basically ignore them becuase what I aspired to be I didn't need college for. The only thing I ever aspired to be was really simple,I wanted to be nothing like my mum. I think I have achieved that goal because although there are times when I feel like I am failing at being a mum, I never forget that I love Lukas. I truly love him from the bottom of my heart and soul. I try and teach him to be a nice person. I don't have habits that harm him even my excesive stash spending comes after I have bought everything Lukas needs and paid the majority of the bills. lol.
I feel that although I haven't achieved much in my life its enough to do a competant job of anything I try like being a mum or scrapping. I pick up everything else along the way. Usually I learn the hard way but I think thats ok becuase all the learning experiences make me who I am.

The next one was:What were some traditions from your childhood? What traditions do you hold fast to now (new or old)? Are there any traditions would you like to maintain but don’t? If you have children or plan to have children, are there traditions you would like to pass on to them?
One of the biggest traditions that I have got from my family is being excessive. When it comes to shopping for Christmas I spend a lot. I buy vast numbers of presents because I love to give them to people and see the reaction (even if I know that certain people like Marks mum will probably boot sale it soon afterwards). Christmas to me was always about being with your family. Last Christmas I was utterly miserable because Mark had to work and I spent Christmas on my own with Lukas. I love the noise and the fun, I love Lukas's face when he sees he has a huge pile of gifts to open and I admit that some bits I wrap in silly ways to make it look more he makes me laugh how he shreds the paper throws the toy and plays with the wrapping lol. I got a tradition from Nan never to go to sleep without saying "I Love You" and always making up after a fight. Theres always a piece of me thats scared one day Nan won't wake up and I always try and make sure the last words I say to her are I love you. I have invented a few traditions of my own but most of them I wouldn't want Lukas to copy-being late and forgetting to buy birthday cards being just two of them lol. We have a new tradition thats to light a candle for Leo on his birthday and play the special song I chose for him. I hope thats something that Lukas will continue when he's older.

The last prompt for today is:Treasure chest: you have a small chest and you’re going to place things in it that symbolise who you are, important milestones, etc. so that someone years after you’re gone will look at it and see the essence of you. For example, you might place a stethoscope if you’re a doctor or medical student, a Bible if your faith is important to you, etc. Which five items would you choose and why? No photographs (though you could use a camera if you're a photographer)...just symbolic items.
I read something on my friend Suzys blog in response to this question which I thought was great she said "Dont know if this would be cheating but Id put my external hard drive in there too. Two reasons, one to show that I was into computers and two because it would give so much away about me. The music I listened to, the documents I wrote, the photos I took (see, no photos as such). My computer holds so much of my life, and I spent a huge amount of time on here, something computery would just have to go in there" I completely agree with her everything on my computer tells people who I am. Its tells them I am Digi Stash Hoarder, who loves Boy bands and love songs, who enjoys taking photographs.It contains parts of my soul with my journalling on layouts and my poems. In all honesty I would go as far as saying there is probably more memories contained in the computer than in my head. Because of the medical issues and forgetting things I rely on my notes/calendar and blog to tell me what happened when. What sums me up that isn't on my computer?
I suppose theres the dvds I like to watch - Charmed,Desperate Housewives,Scrubs,Sports Night,Dinnerladies,Nip/Tuck. Theres Lukas and Leos birth certificate and when I have one Leos death certificate. Theres a collection of school certificates and reports that don't really mean anything.There would be lots of other things, but they are the sort of things you would have to know me as a person to understand like the air holes in the crate for my teddies. When I was a little girl my mum almost smothered me with a duvet, it was an accident and luckily Nan saved my life, but since then I have always had a fear of covers of any sort of anyone/anythings head. So even now when I sleep with my bear its head has to be over the duvet and with Lukas I am even worse. Maybe a fast clock to symbolise me being late to everything and a candle in honour of the loved ones I have lost. Im a weird sort of person but weird is good because weird is Crystal I wouldn't want to be anything else.