Monday, February 22, 2010

Some people take things to a whole new low

Up until recently spam wasn’t a real problem on here. Idiots posted spam comments, I complained to Mark about it while I went into my blog to delete them, they were deleted and there was nothing more to say or do. The spam increased and I was starting to get fed up of fixing it and deleting comments so I made a few changes. I decided to add comment moderation to the older posts and hoped that would be enough. But when I logged on today to see that not only had someone spammed my post about Gaiebraille’s anniversary, they had spammed it with various things including abortion, adoption, infertility and the one that wound me up the most waste disposal. That’s exactly how the hospital treated me when I had the miscarriage in the first place like my baby was just rubbish to be thrown away. There are a lot of things people don’t know about my when I miscarried Gaiebraille, including the mix up where they almost and I hesitate to even type this since it still disgusts me disposed of our baby with the hospital waste because they didn’t know we had permission to have a funeral. It’s not exactly things I wanted to remember so I didn’t post them on my blog. I have written before about how we were told that we had more chance of winning the lottery than having another baby after I lost Gaiebraille. So maybe I am irrational and emotional right now but I am sick of the spammers, I am tired of having to delete comments so as of right now I am making further changes and turning comment moderation on in all posts. For now I am going to leave word verification off, comments on and continue to allow anyone to comment. Stupid spammers they really should find a better way to spend their time instead of being a bunch of idiots posting links to crap.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

A lot can happen in 7 years

but apparently 7 years still isn’t long enough to make the pain of losing a child go away. This is the first anniversary of Gaiebraille’s that I have had a baby for and it’s definitely strange. It seems to make the pain that bit more intense and spark thoughts of what might have been. Last night as we were sitting there talking it became apparent just how much it still hurts me. We talked about when they told us, we talked about the hospital stay and the failures, we talked about the frustration and the anger, we talked about the sadness, Mark talked about the fear he felt while I was being operated on and how scared he was as the hours ticked by, we talked about the pain and we talked about what came after. We touched on how the loss changed everything but not once did either of us have the guts to talk about the baby as a person. I know that might sound like the wrong words to use about someone who never really got that far. But what I meant is that neither of us was brave enough to discuss the hopes and dreams that we had that were taken away along with Gaiebraille. I don’t think I will ever really be able to share the way losing Gaiebraille made me feel. Each of our babies has been special and every single one of them is loved but none of them were ever wanted quite as much as Gaiebraille was. Lukas was my first and that meant that there was fear and even resentment that my pregnancy was so difficult while everyone else around me seemed to be having it so simple. I have talked before about my feelings when I found out he was a boy, about my shock and even my slight disappointment. When I found out I was pregnant with Gaiebraille, I was hoping to get the chance to put things right. I was excited and I was happy. I don’t ever remembered feeling worried about having two babies so close together. My brother Gavin is just over a year younger than I am and Darren is a year younger than him. We used to fight a lot but it was kind of nice being able to go to school and have siblings the year below you. I liked being able to look out for them and I thought Lukas might like being able to look out for his little brother or sister too. I was full of plans about buying a double pushchair and trying to make work out how everything was going to fit and then it was all just taken away. I will never forget the moment when they told us or Mark’s tears. I will never forget how much I didn’t want them to see me cry and how I just wanted out of that room more than anything else in the world. It scares me how vivid all of the details still are about everything that happened when I struggle to remember what I had for breakfast. Since we lost Gaiebraille I have never really felt complete as a person, ok literally I am not complete since during the surgery to remove the baby they had to remove part of my uterus and one of my fallopian tubes but it’s more than that. I thought I was ready to talk about it but the overwhelming wave of emotion begs to differ. I guess talking about it on Gaiebraille’s anniversary is a little like yanking a scab of a wound that you think has healed only to see blood come gushing out again. I am not healed and maybe I never will be. It hurts me that Mark didn’t remember what the date meant until I reminded him. It makes me angry that he is able to move on and forget. I didn’t make a big deal when he got up today and went to do washing at his Dad’s leaving me alone with my thoughts. I didn’t complain when he went to work I just accept that is the way he is and there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t forget the date it is permanently etched onto my brain and no matter how much pain it causes me I think that’s a good thing. Gaiebraille is gone but will never ever be forgotten at least by me. It doesn’t really matter what other people do as long as I remember that’s enough. Today I lit a candle in memory of my baby and I couldn’t find the holder I normally use (it’s a white one with an angel on it). I ended up using one that Lukas had made for me at school and as I did it made me realise something, by lighting a candle for Gaiebraille in something Lukas has made I am showing that all of my babies alive and dead are a part of my life. Happy anniversary my sweet angel, you are loved now and always Gaiebraille Charlett Blake.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Apparently I have nothing better to do than blog

actually that’s a lie, I have plenty of other things I should be doing I just can’t find the motivation to do them. I have a to-do list that is becoming more of a to-do book but between a poorly and very clingy little boy and some other things I just can’t seem to get started. Sometimes I think it’s because I just don’t know where to start, and indecision is the worst offender when it comes to things not getting done. This week I missed my first P365 photo. The problems were simple, I couldn’t find anything interesting to photograph, then when I found something to photograph I couldn’t find my phone, then I found the phone and the battery was almost flat so I started charging it and somehow between putting it on to charge and going to bed I forgot all about taking a photograph. I am not exactly thrilled that I slipped up so early in to the year. I have extra photos I can use, or maybe I will journal that there really wasn’t anything worth photographing that day I haven’t decided yet, are you seeing a pattern here yet lol. Logan has two very sore eyes today looks like he has an infection of some kind, I am cleaning them with boiled water and cotton wool like they told me to when he had it the same in hospital they have only needed doing once today so that’s good but if they are not better by Monday we may need to take a trip to the doctors. Lukas has been off school this week with ear problems again, he hasn’t had them for a while I was kind of hoping he might have grown out of them, but apparently not and I have never seen them this bad before. *sigh* since I have a good idea what the doctor will say I am trying to avoid taking him. Everyone thinks I am a bad mother for not taking him straight away, but I have taken him so many times for this problem. The advice is always the same to treat it and I have been doing everything they always tell me to do, but it doesn’t stop people passing judgement. If that hasn’t cleared up by Monday he will probably need to go as well. It’s not that I don’t want to take him because it doesn’t concern me it’s just that I feel so ill that I can’t find the energy to drag on the bus to the doctors to be told to do everything I am already doing. I don’t know maybe that does make me a bad mother, I love my boys but there is only so much I can do. I am caring for them to the very best of my abilities what more can I do. Sometimes I truly believe they would both be better off without me and they deserve a mummy who isn’t sick. The thing is the boys don’t seem to care. They are both perfectly content and they love me, even when I am sick and we have to spend the evening cuddling in bed, watching things on the laptop because I don’t have the energy to do anything else. One day I will wake up and realise that it only matters what my boys think of me, but that day is not today. Today I am tired of people passing judgement on me and my parenting. I just wish they would leave me to it and mind their own business.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Project 365

I know I haven't been blogging very much lately, between everyone being sick and some other stuff going on I just haven't felt like it. As I mentioned in the last post I decided to attempt Project 365 this year. Well I found this great challenge to help me stay motivated to get it all scrapped. It's so simple every week you take your photos, scrap a layout and upload to the digi scraps drive in gallery. Then you post a link in the thread and the host JewelTheQueen sends you a prize for participating. Nice and simple. But the best part is that the members over there are really friendly and encouraging. I have had some really nice comments on my layouts and that makes me happy. A lot of the other P365 challenges have been more prompt based, take a photo of this etc or required that you use certain products and that just didn't appeal to me. I don't have any desire to go outside and snap a photo of a tree, or the weather. I want to just take a photo of what appeals to me and right now that is mostly Lukas and Logan with a few of Mark thrown in for good measure. Something about it must be working because so far I am all caught up, the posting at Facebook are slightly messed up but I know I have taken a photo every day and I have scrapped all of January's pages. I feel quite proud of myself that for a change I have decided to do something and stuck with it even while I have been sick. I haven't done this weeks layouts yet but I am hoping that will get done today. So do you want to see January's layouts I decided to go with a two page spread each week so I had plenty of room to add journalling. You can click on them for the credits and the journalling, Logan has just woken up so I don't have time to copy and paste them here. If I get chance later I will come back and add that and the enabling links. I also still have one more page to do with the other photos I liked from January.