Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Journey of self discovery

So as good as the intention to write on here daily is, the theory is harder to make a reality.
Somedays the keyboard and the blank screen seem too daunting - I have done nothing anyone else is bothered in hearing about so why write it. Somedays the actual doing is just too hard, there's too much going on in my head and I can't concentrate on what I actually want to say, when that happens something that's bugging me can turn into a blog entry days or even weeks afterwards makes no sense to you but to me it's taken that long to work it out.
Lastly there's the very best excuse for not writing my blog technology conspires against me lol.
In the past week we have had days when we have had no internet connection, days where the connection lasts a few minutes and best of all days where the connection is fine and blogger is down. Typical! lol.
Anyway enough mindless rambling onto the topic of this post journey of self discovery.
Over at Scrapgirls, they have started something new every Tuesday. It's called
"Bachelor's Degree in Me - Becoming all that we can be". Sounds interesting, so I might give it a go avoiding anything about God and Spirituality.
I signed up for the FLYLady program as well. I'm going to completely ignore all the irrelevant parts like shining the sink but I do like the idea of babysteps.
I will try anything for a while to see if it can improve my life. I have a great collection of past hobbies and habits I have dabbled in. In my loft I have lots of books/information about alternative therapies. I bought aromatherapy oils, magnetic bracelets, sleep aids and the list goes on and on. They last for as long as it takes for me to get frustrated that they haven't helped. Scrapping has lasted the longest so far. When I started scrapping it was all about expressing my emotions and then it became about making art and creating because it was fun.
Lately it kind of stopped being fun, my ability to create layouts went on a long holiday. I was sitting staring at Photoshop CS2 and wondering why the hell I had bothered switching it on.
Over the weekend I got something from scrapping again and it was nice. I took part in a cybercrop over at UKS and I enjoyed it a bit. The computer acted up all weekend the internet only worked when it felt like it and I only managed to create a few layouts but it was nice.
But thats the issue isn't it lately the best anything can be is nice. I took part in two previous Cybercrops at UKS and bored everyone senseless from the minute they were announced until the Sunday they finished. I joined in with everything swaps, chats, gossiping, I scrapped all day and all night, I set alarms for stupid times so I didn't miss anything. Want to know what I did this time I started about 5pm Saturday did a few classes a few challenges, never entered the chatroom, ignored the gossip threads and the swaps went to bed by midnight because I was too tired to stay up anymore. Sunday I did almost the same. I took part in nothing that makes it fun. I worked it out today I am getting married in 51 Days. Invites have been ordered but not arrived yet, dress has been chosen and in process of ordering. BUT excitement has yet to make an appearance, I'm still bored by the whole thing.
Suppose it could be down to Leo's anniversary or Lukas being ill or any number of other things. Most likely though it's probably because getting married never interested me. Neither did having kids but that changed after Lukas, maybe marriage will work the same.
Surely things will be fine as long as Mark and everyone else is aware a ring does not make me his property, I am not going to change and become ms domesticated or crazy baby married lady. If he wants someone to wash his clothes and cook and iron he can do it his bloody self.
Im bored now so signing off. Will try and pop back for more moaning tomorrow.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Bruised baby

We need to go back a bit before the bruise to explain. Lukas decided on Wednesday night that he was going to be a little nightmare and keep mummy up all night. Sounds no big deal except it meant he was too exhausted to go to school the next day. So he stayed home and was downstairs playing with Ella, I was upstairs and I heard him start screaming. Mark went down to get him and he was holiding his ear and screaming the house down.
So we asked him numerous times "what happened" and couldn't get a word of sense out of him.
His poor little ear was swollen and black. So obviously mummy kept him home today to fuss over him. But I am sick because I want to scrap it for him lol.
Now I suppose it's time to talk about the wedding *sigh*. It's stressful there are lots of family issues and every single one of them goes back to my mum, it's amazing she's going to wreck my wedding without lifting a finger or even trying. Long story short we have family members who won't come because she's there, friends we can't invite because they can't stand her, and even family I can't invite because she would have a meltdown and cause a fight (my dad for a start).
We went dress shopping the other day even though I have already picked the dress I want, she stood in the middle of the street saying at the top of her voice that I needed a size 28 dress.
I may be fat but I am not that bloody fat I wear a size 18/20. She's just damn rude.
I am just sick of the whole thing I consider cancelling at least a few times a day. What happened to my dream wedding - a simple quiet ceremony followed by a huge party.
She keeps saying I shouldn't have a wedding dress, but I don't see why not I don't want to be married in a church because it's not my thing I don't do religion, I would never get married in a church even if money was no object. We didn't do a registry office because it was cheaper its because we dont want our "union blessed by god".
I am seriously depressed lately, Mark has been getting on my nerves. I am fed up of not having the energy to do anything. That's enough moaning for today. Have to go fuss over my bruised baby.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Hip Hip Hooray no more AF from today

So just for those of you who haven't been/are not currently trying to have a baby aka TTC, AF is Aunty Flo aka my period. So thats the first part of operation WTMI (Way too much information lol) the second part is to confess why no more AF I had a doctors appointment this morning and I went full of the intent to not have a complete meltdown like last week oh thats right you don't know about that do you I never got around to blogging it.
Ok long story short Lukas had an appointment, I had an appointment and Lukas had a strop on. He kicked the doctor refused to be touched and spent the whole time we were there driving me crazy, it ended up with me accidently scratching him when I tried to get him off me so I could discuss stuff with the doctor. So anyway asked Nan to take Lukas to school so I would be on time for the 9:15am appointment (yes I know that's night time lol). Got there early - SHOCK HORROR and was all geared up had everything I wanted to say planned in my head and then that lovely phrase "I have a student in with me do you mind?" So I'm sat there thinking hell yes I mind but brain and mouth never engage do they because you sit there and here yourself say "No of course not" So as much as I had wanted to confess that he was right I am depressed and maybe it was the time to try anti depressants again I didn't instead I made myself into a very shallow person I asked for a contraceptive injection because "I have a white wedding dress and I am worried about having a huge red blood stain on it" I could have told the truth which is right now the idea of having another miscarriage keeps me awake at night, that comes into my head when I am thinking of the many different way there are to kill yourself and why I could never do any of them because they left so much mess behind for other people, I could have told him that the pain drives me insane and I feel like I can't bloody cope anymore. I could have told him that Im sick to death of being wiped out all the time, but we wouldn't want a student to think he has neurotic freaks as patients would we, so it all has to wait for another 2 weeks until the students gone. But hey it's been getting progressively worse for nearly 5 years so whats another two weeks of hell?

Edited to add: Just incase you didn't guess the title is sarcastic. Would adore another baby more than words can describe but right now periods from hell are not something I can add to my tower of problems because it will fall down and I will lose my mind.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Things always look brighter in the morning

and do you know why that is? Because they look 1000 times worse when you are awake all night. The dark and quiet means you have more time to do dangerous things like think. When you can't sleep your head gets filled with all the frustrations that during the day you manage to ignore. But it gets better when you are sat up feeling ill, too hot to think straight watching late night tv, thats when a silly program where a woman has a baby girl and decides she doesn't want it drives you to tears and you wake up the man you love to hold you and make it feel better. When you look at the little boy asleep beside you and realise holy crap he used to be a baby and now he fills the bed and tomorrow is the last time you have with him before he goes back to school on Monday. Ok so I think thats enough from this pre-mestrual crazy woman I am going back to my late night TV and being wide awake

Friday, November 10, 2006

Poorly baby

So all my good intentions to write my blog now that I was back on-line didn't really play out.
Want to know why? My little man has been off school poorly for the past two days and I have done nothing lol. We spent the whole day watching podcasts and video tutorials. We converted pictures into sketches and we had fun lol.
So there is a huge pile of washing to put away, I haven't hoovered or even made the bed sometimes you just need a photoshop duvet day lol.
Its amazing though hes four and hes so interested in photoshop maybe he will grow up to be a graphic designer lol

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

OMG has it been that long?

How am I still vaguely sane lol.
So I suppose you are all interested in what I have been up to or more to the point why I haven't updated my blog in so long - come on pretend you are interested and humour me lol.
There's a really simple explanation we had no internet connection *sob*. It all started when we decided to finally come back to my house. We called the ISP and gave them our 30 days notice and started moving stuff. Called up about a new Broadband account with Sky and we're told "Demand for this product currently outweighs supply available", Now Mark told me it would be 2 weeks I thought not so bad we still have internet at his for my Daily Downloads. When I thought this my mind obviously forgot the two bus rides and long time it takes to do the trip to his mum's and then the 2 buses back. So I ended up sending him. Men are completely useless each day he had to do daily downloads (all stored as favourites very simple), check private emails for anything vital and occasionally do a few other things like pay for stuff for the wedding (again clear instructions written for him) and he cocked up so many of them I was ready to kill him.
After three weeks of this I was fuming at him about why we hadn't recieved anything from Sky and then he decides to tell me that what they actually said was it would take between 2-3 weeks for a letter and then a further wait for the actual service. Well I hit the roof and went mad. After constantly fighting for a week he finally started calling around for another ISP and we found Tiscali. So now that drama is all over I am finally able to start playing catch up.
In other news my baby boy is now much to my annoyance a very big boy who *sob* goes to school full time.He started last Wednesday and with the exception of the first day meltdown and the fact that he has yet to be exactly on time its going ok.He likes it, I miss him though it's too quiet here without him.
The wedding date is drawing ever closer and there are still a few major details to be fixed - My Dress, A DJ and The Catering.
Of course the groom may not make it to the wedding if he continues to act the way he has done lately. I also doubt his brother will be attending I um lost my temper with him yesterday (bit of an understatement) and told him a few home truths about Josh.
Let's just say a lot was said that has needed saying for a while. The part that annoys me the most is nearly all of Marks family think the same way I do but because I had the gits to actually say something - I am in the doghouse with them. They think that I should have said nothing.Well screw them because david is damn lucky to have Josh and all he does is neglect him. That little boy is 2 in August and someone asked me yesterday "when's his first birthday". He was crawling with nits. I suppose some of it was green eyed monster because they have one and I don't but if I still had Leo there's no way he would be in the state Joshua is.
I was so anxious to be able to update this but now I seem to have nothing to say.
Its so frustrating to be inside my head I swear theres a little troll in there with a trapdoor who throws out all useful information like things I have to do and things I want to say. Sitting there having a conversation and poof the words have disappeared and I am sat there um um'ing like an idiot. Like when I was fighting with Mark the other day I got distracted by a pair of shoes and forgot what we were fighting about. Brain like a sieve and mind of a goldfish!