Thursday, July 30, 2009

Sorry I never got around to posting

anymore layouts yesterday, I had a really bad day and ended up doing not much of anything really unless you count the two layouts I scrapped. Last night Lukas drove me slightly insane with not listening, I asked him to go to bed and he ignored me, he asked for a drink which I gave him and then started messing around with it. I kept telling him to make sure he put the lid back on his bottle of drink and he kept ignoring me. He ended up spilling his drink all over our bed, you would have thought he would have learnt to listen after that wouldn’t you. But nope, he left the lid off again and spilt it over his own bed. I was really annoyed at him because if he had just gone to bed when he was told neither one of the beds would have needed changing when Mark came in last night. Today I am working on organising and deleting files since I have finally managed to complete the scan on the external hard drive without the electricity going out, it overheating or the computer refusing to complete the scan. Mark is at work until 7:30pm tonight, he started at 11 and I haven’t seen much of Lukas today. Nan had Conor and Ella this morning so he vanished downstairs to play with them, and then when Lisa came to pick them up Conor ended up staying and last time I checked they were happily playing the Playstation 2 together. He knows where I am if he wants anything and he’s been fed so I am happy to just leave him to it as long as he is behaving himself and not being too loud. I am taking full advantage of him being down there to sit here and work without the TV being on. I can’t tell you how nice it is not to hear anything except the sound of my own typing for a while, I don’t really pay much attention to it being on but I really appreciate the break from listening to cartoons or sport since that’s what is usually on. The headache is no better than usual because of it but sometimes the silence just makes a very welcome change, especially since Mark will be home tonight and that means an evening filled with him and Lukas bickering, the TV about twice as loud as it when Mark isn’t here and knowing those two an obnoxiously loud game being played on the laptop (they usually go for either games filled with gunfire, games with stupid sound effects or games with music that plays constantly at full volume). Actually I just remembered that a Sims 2 addon/expansion pack can’t remember which arrived this morning so no doubt they will be wanting to try that out, so it will be annoying music instead of gunfire tonight. Anyway I suppose I better get back to that organizing since I definitely won’t get that done with Lukas and Mark around later. Hopefully I will be back later to post some more layouts.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I’m not feeling very chatty today

So I am just going to make a start on posting those layouts, I decided that it probably makes more sense to work from oldest to newest so this might take me a while. Apparently the last one I posted here was the Buzz Lightyear car and that was in May so I might still be here doing this next year lol. I think I am going to go with 5 per post for now, and do a post or two a day with the enabling if I can sit here long enough to do it. Luckily I am not really feeling up to scrapping at the moment so at east I am not adding more and more to the list to be posted lol. If your wondering the font is different in this one because I am posting directly onto the blog instead of using Live Writer like I have been doing lately. The ones in this post and probably the next 3 are from May, I scrapped a lot of layouts in May thanks to the Queen Of Scrap Contest at Scrap Matters. Some of them were probably for other challenges as well but I haven't listed them because I can't remember exactly what I scrapped each of them for.

Credits: Layered template (NSD 09 Template Challenge) by Monsu, Hustle and Bustle Addon, The Bright Side Addon, Love Bytes Addon and Just Married Addon all by Britt-ish Designs, Hawaiian Happy Hour Mega Kit contribution by GG Digital Designs, Pewter Alpha by Tracie Stroud, Boys and Their Toys by Melany Violette (Simply Clean Digi Scraps), Glitter Sprays by Micheline Martin, Date Bits 6 by Misty Cato and Jiffy Layers Volume 2 Grunge Overlays by Rina Kroes. Font is Tekton Pro.

Journalling reads: One of the things you were really excited about and looking forward to doing, on our family trip to Legoland was Driving School. First we had to line up so you could have your photograph taken with the special speed camera. Next Mummy and Daddy had to leave you to watch a video teaching you how to drive the cars, and all the rules. Then you got to drive the special lego cars around the track. Daddy was nice enough to take the photographs while I had a rest. You had a great time, even though you did drive down the wrong side of the road. All that was left to do was go and collect and pay for your official Legoland Driving License and holder.

Enabling: Hustle and Bustle Addon, The Bright Side Addon, Love Bytes Addon and Just Married Addon all by Britt-ish Designs available here, here, here and here, Hawaiian Happy Hour Mega Kit by Scrap Matters Design Team available here and Boys and Their Toys by Melany Violette (Simply Clean Digi Scraps) available hereYou can download the Tekton Pro font here. I can't seem to find a link for the template I used but it was for a NSD challenge at Scrap Matters, Glitter Sprays by Micheline Martin, Jiffy Layers Volume 2 Grunge Overlays by Rina Kroes and Date Bits 6 by Misty Cato are now retired.

Credits: Layered template (Tuesday Template, 5th May 09) by Kathleen (kv2av), Office Space: White Alpha and Tattered and Torn: Primaries Papers by Tracie Stroud, Build A Dream by Traci Reed and 2009 Circular Dates by Bethany Harty (Elegant Wordart). Fonts are Delly and Downcome.

Journalling reads: We saw a lot of fun things at Legoland, but nothing else was as cool as these Duplo tables in the queues. While we stood in line and waited, you got to have fun building with the bricks and we just had to call you over when it was our turn to get on the ride.

Enabling: Layered template (Tuesday Template, 5th May 09) by Kathleen (kv2av)can still be downloaded from this blog post, Office Space: White Alpha by Tracie Stroud available here, Build A Dream by Traci Reed available here and 2009 Circular Dates by Bethany Harty (Elegant Wordart)available here.Tattered and Torn: Primaries Papers by Tracie Stroud doesn't appear to be in her new store at Scrap Orchard so they may be retired. I can't find a link to download the Delly font but Downcome is available here.

Credits: Layered template (Pimp My Page Challenge 1) by Cindy Schneider and Hawaiian Happy Hour Mega Kit contributions by Heather Nay (Haynay Designs), Jill Van Djik (Juno Designs), Heather Benson (Dirty Feet Designs), Denise Beatty, Jennifer Barrette, GG Digital Designs, Tracie Stroud, Britt-ish Designs, Kimberly Shontz (Geeky Diva Designs) and Erica Zane. Photos from

Enabling: Hawaiian Happy Hour Mega Kit by Scrap Matters Design Team available here. The template was a previous freebie for a template challenge at Peppermint Creative.

Credits: Layered template (Long N Skinny, Template 3) by Aisyah Roslan (Sya's Blueprints), Date Stamps Volume 2 by Britt-ish Designs and Foooore by Traci Reed. Font is DJB Play Misty For Me by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads: When we went to the Christmas School Fete you both wanted to try all the games that were available. The idea of this one was to hit the golf ball into the hole in 3 tries or less. Ella managed to get a hole in one on her first try and for her prize she chose a brightly coloured square plastic bead bracelet.

Enabling: Long N Skinny Templates by Aisyah Roslan (Sya's Blueprints) available here, Date Stamps Volume 2 by Britt-ish Designs available here, Foooore by Traci Reed available here and DJB Play Misty For Me by Darcy Baldwin available here.

Credits: Layered template (Inspired by Kris, Template 1 flipped horizontally) by Bree Clarkson, Bead-a-holic Purple Alpha, Tabby Dates and I'm A Dreamer Addon by Britt-ish Designs and Fizzy Grape Slushie by Lauren Grier and Zoe Pearn. Font is DJB Play Misty For Me by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads: Our family day out at Legoland had left all of us feeling really tired and worn out. The first thing we did when we got on the train home, was let you take off your crocs so they weren’t pressing on the blisters they had made. You were really fed up and tearful and all you wanted to do was go to sleep. Since the train was empty I did something I never thought I would do, I got Daddy to come and sit next to me and I let you lay down across the seats. Then I took off my cardigan and used it as a blanket for you. We were sitting in a 4 person seat bay, until the very nice couple opposite offered us the 6 person seats they had been sitting in. We were very greatful for the extra space and you slept like a baby all the way back to Oxford. You were still half asleep and more than a little bit cross when I had to wake you up and put your shoes back on so we could get off the train and get on the bus.

Enabling: Bead-a-holic Purple Alpha, Tabby Dates and I'm A Dreamer Addon by Britt-ish Designs available here, here and here, Fizzy Grape Slushie by Lauren Grier and Zoe Pearn available here and DJB Play Misty For Me Font by Darcy Baldwin available here. Inspired by Kris Templates by Bree Clarkson are now retired.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Nothing much to say today

I wasn’t feeling very well this morning when I got up, and I ended up feeling worse and worse. Mark went out this morning to pick up a new Argos catalogue for Lukas, ever since he saw the television advert saying the new one was being released he has been anxiously waiting for today to arrive. I swear that kid can spend hours just looking through the pages in that book, within a week it looks like it’s been mauled by a dog or something. His favourite section is the toys and the computer games but he’s also more than happy to look at baby stuff or electrical items. I had to get up and sign for a parcel for Nan and then managed a few things on my to-do list before Mark got home. Then I made a start on organising some more files on the computer. When Mark got back Lukas was happy to stay downstairs looking through his catalogue while we got a little bit of tidying up done. I told Lukas he could play the computer if he wanted to and then I laid down on the bed with Mark for a quick cuddle before he went to work and fell asleep. Mark was nice enough to leave me sleeping when he went to work and I was able to get an hour or so after he left before Lukas woke me up. He had somehow managed to flip everything on my computer again, it takes me a few seconds to fix it now since he has done it so many times, but it still freaks him out every time he does it. Maybe he remembers my reaction the first time he did it and had no clue how to fix it lol. I haven’t really seen much of him today, I left him playing up here while I went downstairs with Nan for a while. I came up at 7:50pm sorted out his pyjamas and the DVD player to record and then left him watching Kung Fu Panda. I ended up watching Casualty with Nan and when his film finished he was more than content to sit watching cartoons while I checked my emails. Now I have to run because Mark has just come in from work with chips from the takeaway, and a battered sausage for me just in case I wanted it lol. Sometimes it’s the simplest little gestures that are the sweetest, and remind exactly why I love him so much. The plan for tomorrow is some sport in the morning and then to sort out Lukas’s bedroom and do some tidying up in here. I’m hoping I feel a bit better tomorrow so I can help out a little bit. Then there’s a WWE Pay Per View - Night Of Champions on tomorrow night to look forward, hopefully we will be able to stay awake and watch but if not we always dvd record it, then I have a hospital appointment on Monday afternoon. Gotta run the chips are getting cold and considering I wasn’t even hungry they smell really good lol.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Quick update

I promise I am not going to ramble on like I did earlier, I just thought I would pop in and say that I have finally finished that post from the other day, you have to scroll down a little bit to read it but it is all done. The next thing on my to-do list for the blog is to start uploading all of the layouts I haven’t shared here along with the credits and enabling, you can see them by clicking on the blinkie on the right and then going to the month’s album but although I do add credits to them I don’t add any links to the products I have used. It’s a big job but hopefully I can just do a few at a time until they are all done. I haven’t decided yet whether it would be more sensible to work backwards from the latest to the oldest or forwards from the oldest to the newest layouts. I’m falling asleep sitting here trying to type this hopefully when Mark comes home in 2 hours I will be able to have a bath and get an early night. Usually I don’t like to go to bed until Lukas is asleep but since he doesn’t have to be at school tomorrow I don’t care when he goes to sleep, so him and Mark can just bicker and argue with each other all night long if they feel like it while I sleep lol. I suppose I really should think about going and doing some dinner soon I did Lukas some toast a little while ago, so he might not be hungry yet but if I leave it much longer I will have to listen to her complaining about the dishes. Lukas will probably want pizza again so that’s just a plate I haven’t got a clue what I want except some sleep lol. I might just make a sandwich or cereal since it’s quick. 

I have a feeling today is going to be a long day

The weather is rubbish, we have already had a thunderstorm and some really heavy rain, right now it’s not raining but it’s really damp and cold everywhere. Nan is driving me mad moaning about how it’s July and it should be summertime. She’s driving me mad because when it was hot she was moaning just as much about that there is just no pleasing her. I am feeling pretty miserable since the weather is making me really stiff and sore on top of everything else. I’m also really shivering but I don’t want to put on any more clothes because I get too hot, I will be so glad when the baby is born and I just get to be one or the other again. I have a lot of things I am supposed to be doing but for now I have no motivation so I am taking advantage of the fact that Lukas is downstairs with Nan to just have some peace and quiet, catch up on my blog reader and do some other bits and pieces on the computer that are impossible to concentrate on with Lukas around. Mark’s working a different shift today so he has already gone to work and will be home about 7:30pm tonight. Yesterday he spent the majority of the day in Lukas’s room and while he may not have made a great deal of progress making it clean enough to satisfy her the bunk bed that I have always despised is finally in pieces in the garden waiting to be collected by the rubbish people. We are lucky that we are allowed any 3 large items at a time to be collected and disposed of free of charge, all we have to do is ring the council and arrange collection. The only problem is they are very vague when I phoned yesterday she said they might come and collect it today but it might be anywhere between 5-10 working days. It’s not my fault they are now going to have a very wet and soggy mattress and bed base to collect from the garden. The bed is one of the many things me and Mark have been bickering about lately. I want it gone so Lukas has more room to play in his room during the holidays, Mark thinks he should be made to sleep in his own room again. I don’t want him to feel pushed out by the baby coming, so I refuse to make him sleep in there. It’s one of those things we are never going to agree on because Mark is off the opinion that Lukas shouldn’t ever have been in here in the first place, but I think he has forgotten that for a long time Lukas slept in here with me in my bed because he wasn’t here. I have always hated to sleep on my own, I would be lying if I said I am not still a little scared of the dark so I understand why Lukas doesn’t want to sleep in his bedroom on his own. I can’t understand why it’s a big deal where he sleeps, I do get that we don’t really have room in here for all of our stuff and the stuff Lukas brings in but doesn’t put back. I guess I just think we should be working on making him put his toys back when he has finished with them instead of making him stay in his own room all the time. Mark is hardly ever here and I kind of like having Lukas around for company. The television being on cartoons all the time doesn’t even bother me. Mark seems to be of the opinion that the television and pretty much every other electrical item belongs to him. He thinks he should be able to watch what he wants all the time (usually sport), play the playstation whenever he wants, and play the laptop whenever he wants and when he doesn’t get his own way he throws a temper tantrum. He’s also never happy to settle for just one or the other, like he always wants the laptop and the sport at the same time, which annoys Lukas. He also seems to think if he wants to play the laptop and Lukas wants to play the laptop I should get off my desktop computer for Lukas to play that, but if I try and watch something on tv while he plays the laptop and Lukas has my computer he sulks or just plays his game so loud I can’t hear anything anyway eventually I get frustrated and turn it off. Mark will also cause rows about every little thing he is asked to do, even down to the simple things like putting his rubbish in the bin, or taking the washing downstairs. None of these things are new with Mark, but they have gotten a lot worse lately. I don’t just mean they are bothering me more because I feel ill, he’s done this every single time I have been pregnant, I talk to him and he ignores me, he doesn’t seem to want me to cuddle him or show him any affection and then he sulks and acts jealous because he’s not getting as much attention as Lukas. Usually it gets to a point like this, we fight he packs his bags and moves back to his mothers house. This is the first time he hasn’t had that option, when I told him a few weeks ago that I just couldn’t cope with it all anymore and I asked him to leave he said he had nowhere to go. I guess either he isn’t welcome at his dad’s with the new girlfriend and the lodger being there or maybe he just doesn’t feel like he is welcome. Obviously everything would be easier if we had our own place since we wouldn’t have Nan contributing to the arguments. I am not naive enough to think that moving out would solve all of our issues or that we would never fight it’s always been our nature to disagree. Hopefully once the baby is born we can pack our bags and go to Chessington for the weekend again, those few days away from it all seem to help enough. I guess I have rambled on enough for now, especially since Lukas is now back up here and I have to find something to amuse him for a little while, I kind of got sidetracked with this and haven’t done any of the things I was hoping to do while we was downstairs. Maybe I will be back later.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Apparently today I am feeling chatty

or maybe I just like looking at my pretty new blog lol. Seriously, there are just a lot of things I my mind that I feel like blogging about. You may be wondering why I haven’t really been mentioning the baby lately, well it’s really simple I am mad at him. I am mad that he seems to have no intention whatsoever of getting out. All of the so called “signs” of labour that I had with the other two mean nothing with this one, he’s determined to mock me with them and do everything in his own sweet time. Like the headache, before Lukas was born I had the worst headache I have ever felt the day before, it was like someone was literally crushing my head. With Leo I had that same headache only slightly worse thanks to the high blood pressure and other issues for a day or two beforehand. When I got this headache again I was actually relieved because I thought that he was finally going to make an appearance, I would even go as far as saying I was slightly excited when nothing happened that day I thought that was fine, after all it lasted for two days with Leo. When I got up the next day and the headache I thought couldn’t get any worse did I was still optimistic that it was all going to be ok because this headache only happens just before they are born. Did I mention that this was hmm over a month ago? Everyday when I have gotten up I have thought it can’t possibly get any worse yet every single day it does. Nothing I do changes it, or eases it even slightly. If it was just the headaches I would be frustrated and fed up but it’s not. There’s also been the 3 incidents of suspected broken waters. The first time we did a trip to the hospital, spent 15 hours there being prodded, poked and tested before coming home. The second time I refused to go to the hospital until it hurt (not that it doesn’t always hurt but you know what I mean). Sitting around a hospital for hours while Lukas is with Nan is not exactly my idea of fun. We sat around waiting for something “real” to start but it didn’t. We accepted that maybe we were just going to have leaking waters this time (sort of like with Leo, but I don’t have the energy to talk about that now) instead of them going in one huge gush. That second time I also refused to tell Nan because I didn’t want to listen to her nagging me to go to the hospital. I am getting to the 3rd time but I just need you to understand first that there are other things too. Like to pain across my stomach which has been getting worse each day, the vision problems which started as being hazy/blurry sometimes and is now almost constant, my stomach gets really tight and painful quite often but although the pain gets worse it’s doesn’t change in frequency, the seizures are getting more and more frequent and so are the dizzy spells that make the room spin, there’s the usual pregnancy stuff like peeing all the time, feeling sick etc and also the usual (for me anyway)just before they are born stuff like the actual throwing up and we’ll say dodgy stomach. Lately I spend all of my time either laying down or hobbling about like a little old woman, I can’t lean over, I can’t bend down hell I can’t even get in and out of the bath without help at the moment. I can’t remember the last time I slept for more than 10 minutes at a time and there is no such thing as comfortable anymore since sitting, standing, laying etc all come with their own complications and pain. I guess we kind of hoped that some of the issues would clear up once I finished the antibiotics the hospital prescribed for the urine infection, hoped some of the tiredness would go away once I started the double dose of iron and folic acid, but more than anything just hoped it would all go away because he had been born! He has taken to some weird position that manages to put him where it’s not only low and uncomfortable, but also in the middle of my chest and making it very difficult to breathe all at the same time. He’s either very long like Leo was or incredibly flexible, maybe he’s doing handstands in there I haven’t a clue. I just wish that he would please stop whatever it he’s doing so I could breathe easier or better yet just stop keeping me waiting and get out! By dates he’s 3 days overdue tomorrow, but by the hospital scans we still have another 3 weeks I think it is until they will induce me. Hopefully if he’s still there then they will also have a nice little padded cell ready because I will be truly out of my freaking mind by then. I guess the irony is though that all of that pales in comparison to everything else going on around here. Mark has apparently decided to run for the laziest man in the world award and not tell me, not to be left out Lukas has decided that every single thing he says needs to be whined he’s even giving Nan a run for her money on who can whinge, whine, complain and moan the most in the space of a day. I spend every waking hour trying to act as mediator between any two of them at a time, arguing with one or more of them or trying to resist the urge to burst into tears or walk away from the whole lot of them. I no longer have the patience to deal with people in general since I feel so ill, but more than anything else I do not have the energy to stand and listen to anymore of my family (Lukas, Mark and Nan) or any of there crap. I wish they would understand that’s it’s taking every ounce of strength I have to just be standing there listening to them, I don’t have the words or solutions to fix every one of their problems. They all need to just go away and bicker amongst themselves for a while. I am done with the sarcastic comments about the baby, no-one wants this kid to be born more than I do, yet they all seem to think I need to hear a million times a day about how frustrated they are that he hasn’t been born, or telling him to hurry up. I feel like telling them he’s obviously not interested in listening to you and neither am I, shut up but I don’t because it’s just not worth the argument. I am deeply depressed, very frustrated and fed up and honestly I don’t know how much more I can take. It’s probably a good thing I didn’t end up going to my midwife appointment today, I think I would have really struggled not to just burst into tears when I was talking to her. The last thing I would want is for her to see how fragile I am mentally at the moment, I know I am bizarre and I probably should let them see how much things are getting to me because then they might be able to help but I just can’t do it. I guess I am always worried that if they see I can’t cope or they see how close I am to complete mental breakdown they will start asking questions I don’t want to answer, there will be people visiting and watching that I don’t want around. Call me paranoid but I always worry they will see how much of a mess I am and start thinking that I shouldn’t be a mummy. I love Lukas and Fidget with all of my heart if I didn’t have them I would have given up a long time ago. I know that these people are there to help but maybe it’s stupid pride, me being too stubborn to admit I want or need the help or just plain fear but I don’t want their help, and I don’t want to talk to them. I happen to be one of these people who doesn’t like the health visitor coming to visit, I feel like she questions how I look after them and judges me. I also don’t like social workers of any description for the same reason but then considering the one occasion where I have had to deal with a social worker was when she was accusing me of hurting Lukas when Leo was admitted to hospital before he died, is it any wonder I am not exactly full of nice thoughts about them. I don’t like doctors much either or therapists or counsellors and I certainly don’t like anyone to do with the school since they spend all their time telling me what I can’t do with my own child. I always feel like telling them to sod of and mind their own business, I am doing the best I can and we may doggie paddle our way through life but Lukas is happy enough, he’s fed and clothed and cared for but more than anything else he is loved and adored. I may not be perfect mother material for various reasons but no-one could ever question my love and devotion to my kids. I am only really happy when I am left to my own devices and no-one questions me or interferes. In my perfect fantasy I would get to live in a little house in a big concrete field (remember me moaning about grass before, if that makes no sense), that takes too many hours and too much effort for anyone to ever come and visit. As long as I could get my shopping delivered I wouldn’t have to speak to anyone in real life and I would be perfectly content and happy. I would get to home school my kids and not have to worry about bullies or school uniforms or ever be told what to do. We could just spend every day enjoying being a family and having fun doing things together. It would never happen, and no doubt I would go stir crazy if I was stuck in a house with Mark all of the time but it’s a nice fantasy for tonight. Mark will be home in a minute and there is almost certainly going to be yet another argument about one thing or another so I may as well go and start being uncomfortable in the bed now.

So last night I decided that the blog needed a new look

I was getting bored of the old one and fed up with my search bar not working. At first I tried starting with a reinstall of the template to see if that would fix the problem but it didn’t, then I tried a different template that fixed it but I couldn’t concentrate enough to work out how to modify that so it wasn’t so blank and white. Then I decided that I would just change the colours for now and then work on the search function another time, only while I was doing that I came across a little gadget you can add to the sidebar that allows you to search the blog. For the first time ever I used the blog in a box exactly as it came with no additions (except for the text on the sidebar labels) or recolouring and it took a few minutes to have it all installed. I did something that I think was quite smart for me last time lol I copied all of the html for the stuff in the sidebar and saved them as individual word documents. After a bit of copying and pasting and some tiny changes to the credits because I used different stuff it was all finished. I spent some time fiddling around with the colours and things and I have to admit this is the most impressed I have been with my blog. That could be down to the fact that it took me about 30 minutes from start to finish rather than the usual few hours I spend fiddling with all the little bits lol. You may have also noticed that I have used the same font for the labels in the sidebar and for this post. I write my blog using Live Writer so I am playing with it, I haven’t decided if I will carry on doing this since I can’t really be bothered to go and change the old posts and I am a little bit odd about things not matching. Today hasn’t been a great day, we had to order a new fridge freezer because ours has sort of been on it’s last legs for a while, a part broke in the freezer and I never got around to fixing it. Ice formed on the broken part and the longer it was left the worse the problem got, if I had fixed it when it first happened it probably would have taken 30 minutes at the most but because it was left it sort of became more and more unfixable. We have managed with it the way it was for a while but Nan was getting worried that one day it would just give up and we would be left with no fridge so we ordered a new one. Originally she wanted a different one, when I placed the order I was tired and feeling really ill. While trying to order that, answer the phone and answer Lukas talking to me I accidently ordered the wrong one, and I will admit I told her a little fib and said they had to substitute it because the other one was unavailable. I didn’t want to have to listen to the lecture about it even though it was an accident. Long story short this one is bigger than the one she wanted and it doesn’t exactly fit in the space where the other one was. We do have the space available but the kitchen cupboard she had fitted when the kitchen was redone won’t move for some reason. Gary came last night and tried and then I had to listen to her having a meltdown over that. At first we thought it might be because it was too heavy full of stuff, so we tried to empty it out and move it and we are still not exactly having much luck moving it. He’s supposed to be coming back later to try and do it now that there is nothing in it. She has been in a foul mood for the last few days and that wasn’t exactly helped by them bringing the new fridge freezer at 7:10am this morning. The kitchen is a bit of a disaster area and she is driving me insane with her whinging and complaining about every little thing. I have just come back upstairs after listening to her ranting because Gary tried to be helpful by hoovering where the old fridge freezer was last night and he’s blocked up the hoover. I unblocked it all for her and she’s still ranting, so I just walked away I really don’t feel well enough to deal with her at the moment. I was supposed to have a midwife appointment today but had to cancel it because I just felt too ill to make the effort to get dressed and drag on the bus. Sounds like Lukas is getting nagged at so I better go and see what he’s done wrong this time, with the mood that she’s in he has probably breathed too loud or something lol.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Lots to catch up on

But I don’t feel very well tonight so I am just making a very quick list of the things that have happened since I blogged last and fingers crossed I will get back tomorrow to talk about them in more detail. In no particular order at the moment but they will be when I have done the real post tomorrow.

Hospital appointment: Doppler Clinic (6th July)

This was the follow up appointment from last week, they asked me to come back but never really said why I had to come back. It was only after they had done the scan that they told us it was because the previous one had been slightly higher than it should have been. They had a bit of trouble getting his heartbeat because he is so low down, right now they don’t have any plans for us to be seen in that clinic again. I wasn’t able to manage to do a urine sample for them so the bottle ended up coming home with us for Mark to take into work. I can’t really remember what else happened (see this is exactly why I should blog more often lol).

Hospital appointment: Anaesthetics clinic (7th July)

I never ended up keeping the appointment I was feeling really ill. Mark telephoned them and was able to make another appointment for next week at 12:30.

Lukas’s Sports Day (8th July)

I was still feeling too ill to go out, so I ended up missing it but Mark went with him. Unfortunately the batteries hadn’t had long enough to charge fully so I ended up with no photos at all. Mark did take some videos (which I haven’t got around to looking at yet) so we at least have some record of the day. I might be able to grab a few still shots from those to scrap. Mark said Lukas had a great time and luckily for them the rain held off so they were able to get all of their events done. I find it slightly ironic that they cancelled the first date because of the heat yet this replacement date was absolutely freezing Lukas ended up wearing his coat for nearly the whole time he was outside.

Hospital phoned (10th July)

Mark has been using my mobile phone since his got broken (the screen doesn’t work), so I am stuck with my old handset. The problem with that is that it doesn’t get great signal in the house. When it started ringing with an unknown number I couldn’t even answer it. I missed the first call, they rang back again I tried to answer it but couldn’t hear anything. I think it took 6 attempts all together before I was able to answer the call and that was because I went into the garden and sat on the trampoline. It ended up being the hospital saying I had a severe urine infection. They wanted me to go up to the hospital and collect a prescription for antibiotics, but Mark was at work. We were able to arrange for him to go first thing on Saturday morning. It took a while for them to grasp that I was allergic to the antibiotics they had prescribed. Not that it really ended up mattering because when Mark went up on the Saturday morning it was one mess up after another, where he had been told to go wasn’t open, where he was sent instead didn’t have it and he ended up coming home with a completely different prescription than what they had said they prescribed. If your wondering no they don’t seem to have helped with anything at all.

Lukas’s School Fete (11th July)

After Mark got home from picking up the prescription from the hospital and collecting the tablets from the chemist we headed out to the school fete. It was a lot of fun even if the weather was a bit crappy. We had to wait for a really heavy shower to pass before we could leave, and it rained a few times while we were there but nothing too major to ruin our fun. There are photos from that but not as many as I would have liked because of the weather. I haven’t gotten around to really looking at those yet either. I don’t really feel like writing a full recap of the day but Lukas’s favourite bits were playing some of the games, riding the pony, visiting the book fair, eating the BBQ food and having his face painted as Spiderman. He was a little bit disappointed that there were no animals this year and no cake decorating (the thing he had been looking forward to most). The whole fete seemed like it had been put together at the last minute this year, there wasn’t much of a turn out and we thought the previous ones were a lot better but it was still a lot of fun. I guess the weather put a lot of people off going and the fact that we never got a letter home about it until the day before didn’t really help either. One of the things they were doing this year that they haven’t done before was selling plants. As we were leaving we noticed the sunflowers had been reduced to clear them, Lukas wanted to buy one and the lady selling them offered us both of the ones she had left for 20p each (they had been £1 each when we first got there and had been reduced to 50p each). So we ended up with 2 sunflower plants. They don’t exactly look much like sunflowers they actually look a bit sad and droopy at the moment and we really need to go and buy some sticks for them. As we were leaving the school we saw Jade, Keisha, Daniel and Maiya on their way home from the park. It was quite nice to walk along with them and catch up a little. They were full of questions about the baby and really shocked that I hadn’t had him yet. Maiya has changed so much I hardly recognised her and Daniel was full of chatter about going to nursery now. I really miss seeing them but I was feeling so ill I didn’t really feel like chatting. By the time we got home I was feeling really ill and having a lot of new pain across my stomach. Mark ended up taking the day off work because we were worried something was happening with the baby. The pain was really bad for a few hours but unfortunately it ended up being nothing more than a false alarm. He changed his mind and decided that he preferred to stay put for a bit longer. I did manage to pack him a bag ready though for when he does make his appearance. I have been meaning to do it for a while. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit depressed that it had turned into nothing.

Hospital appointment: Pre-term labour clinic (13th July)

Today was supposed to be Lukas’s school picnic but he couldn’t go because I had a hospital appointment and there wasn’t anyone to pick him up from school. This is the clinic we usually go to where I see my consultant. We had the usual urine tests, swabs, blood pressure and questions before going for another scan. That’s when they spotted a slight problem, little man’s growth is trailing off a little. Up until now he has been measuring exactly to their dates (with a due date of the 27th August). Now he’s measuring small for them, by about 3 weeks. They said he was about a 31 week size now. No-one seemed sure if he had grown at all since the last growth scan 4 weeks ago so they want to keep an eye on that. The midwife who had done the scan seemed quite concerned about it and said that they would be wanting to see me weekly from now on, but it’s not really anything new to us since it’s what happened with Leo, the only difference is this one has stayed put longer than he did and he’s a bit bigger. From the size on the scan they are estimating him at about 3.5lb in weight, Leo was 2lb 120z. When we finally got to see the consultant we were more than slightly surprised that she doesn’t want to see us for 2 weeks, especially since she said my blood pressure is high and we already know that the swelling everywhere is a lot worse than it was with Leo. I can’t even get my wedding ring (which is 2 sizes too big anyway) onto my little finger, Mark’s wedding ring is 7 or 8 sizes bigger than mine and I can just about keep his on my finger. I have a pair of croc style shoes that I ordered a while back and was annoyed when they arrived and they were way too big. I could barely keep them on now I end up with perfect imprints of them if I wear them. It’s also quite depressing that at my booking appointment I was 22.2kg lighter than I am now. Usually I lose so much weight when I am pregnant that I end up either about the same as when I started or weighing less than I did to start with. The consultant wanted me to double the dose of Iron and Folic Acid I am on and carry on taking the low dose aspirin. She’s decided that if fidget hasn’t made an appearance by himself they will induce me at 38 weeks. That’s 4 weeks away from now and I am not exactly thrilled about the idea of having to feel this ill for that much longer. All I can do though is hope that he gets a move on soon and does something. I am starting to get worried about Lukas’s birthday which is 2 weeks Monday, the one good thing is that with this plan in place it means that he definitely won’t be born on Leo’s birthday which is 3 days before the due date the hospital gave us. I really don’t think I would have been able to handle that. I am so ready for this to all be over I have even resorted to begging and pleading with the baby to please hurry up, Lukas prefers to be more direct and frequently orders him to “get out fidget”, or “hurry up fidget”. I guess all of us are right at the end of our patience with him.

Nan’s hospital appointment: Follow up from the operation on her leg (14th July)

I don’t know if you remember that Nan went into hospital for some day surgery on her leg a while back. I would link you up to where I wrote about it but for some reason the search bar on my blog is missing again. According to the settings it should be showing but for some reason it isn’t and I can’t be bothered to fiddle around with all of that today sorry. Anyway getting back to the point, she had some surgery on her legs and they removed veins (I remember that much since I never went with her I am not entirely sure what else they did). She thought this was supposed to help with the circulation issues and pain she has in her legs. When she went for the follow up appointment they told her that they had done the procedure because she was at high risk for ulcers on her legs and this should help prevent that. It’s nothing to do with pain at all, so she was quite upset that no-one had explained it to her properly. She feels as if she went through a lot of pain and discomfort for nothing and to be honest she is more than a little depressed about it all. I can see why she is upset especially with the issues involving the after care she received, the doctor did apologise for those but they weren’t really anything to do with him. The original plan was to do the second leg at a later date but I don’t think she wants to do that anymore.

Hospital appointment: Anaesthetics clinic (14th July)

If your wondering we went to the hospital with Nan for her appointment and then sat around waiting for mine which was 3 hours later. It’s not exactly cheap to get a taxi to and from the hospital so it would have been really silly to pay that twice in one day. It also solved the other problem of Nan not wanting to go to her appointment by herself. We sat in the waiting room while she went and spoke to the doctor and we left her looking through a magazine with a coffee in the waiting area while I went for my appointment then got a taxi home together. Luckily we had nothing else that needed to be done that day and we didn’t mind doing some shopping at the hospital and then sitting around for a while. The  anaesthetist we saw was really nice, we sat and had a long chat about why I was referred to them, he asked lots of questions and gave us some leaflets about pain relief options. He seemed to be a bit surprised when he actually saw me, kept looking at the letter the doctor had sent him and then looking at me. I think from the way high BMI was stressed he was expecting me to be a lot bigger than I am weight wise. Quite a few things I said to him like how the 2 general anaesthetics I have had previously didn’t work and  how quick the other two had been born freaked him out a little. He seemed slightly concerned that no-one has ever really sorted out why I have the seizures or arranged for an epi-pen because of the latex allergy but there’s not really much he can do about either of those except note down his concerns over it in my notes. The appointment took a lot longer than we were expecting, he also had to leave a few times to answer his pager. I did think it was quite funny when he said it was lovely meeting you but I hope I don’t have to again. He meant it in a nice way that he hoped we didn’t run into any problems where he was needed but it kind of came out wrong.

Making treats for Lukas’s class (14th July)

Since I have been feeling so ill lately and I was fast running out of time we decided not to make special treats for Lukas’s class this year. I still wanted to send in some sweets for them for the end of the year and I wanted to make a little more effort than just sending in a bag of sweets for him to give out. I picked up some coloured food bags that came with stickers and spent the entire evening sat on the floor filling them, folding them and stacking them. We decided to go with a bag of Milky Way Magic Stars and 2 bags of Haribo in each one. Lukas was supposed to be helping me but changed his mind at the last minute. Let’s just say it must have been very amusing to watch me trying to get up after sitting still for so long lol. I was really stiff and sore which Lukas then decided to make worse by sticking stickers all over me, they had latex in the glue and I ended up having some bright red marks that looked like burns everywhere he had stuck them. Since he couldn’t remember the names of his teachers we decided to go with a box of chocolates to share for them all. Nan is even more mental than I am she insisted on buying 3 different boxes of chocolates (well actually we bought 6 boxes because they were on offer 2 boxes for £6, we just got 3 different varieties). She then emptied out the contents of the 3 boxes into a lovely silver gift box she lined with tissue and then tied the whole thing with ribbon. It worked out costing about £10 which sounds expensive but was a lot cheaper than buying boxes of chocolates and a card would have been for all of the people who help him at school, I wasn’t even sure how many teachers and support people he has at school. I just wrote out a blank card for them all saying thank you for all the help this year, I really appreciate it, love Lukas. It worked out quite well since his class party was the next day I knew all of the teachers would be there and I thought the kids might like taking there little treat bags home from the party. The only thing was I had to get up in the morning to take Lukas to school since I didn’t really trust Mark to get everything there in one piece or remember to bring the drawer I had used to store the sweets home at the end of the day. Then I went to pick Lukas up in the afternoon because it makes me happy to see all of the little ones coming out talking about Lukas giving them sweets. The only annoying thing was I forgot to take any photos of them before I sent them to school, I had meant to do it when I finished but because it was late and I hadn’t gotten around to bathing Lukas I decided to leave it until the morning and then forgot lol.

Lukas’s end of term party (15th July)

We only found out Lukas was having a party on the Wednesday, neither Mark nor Lukas seemed to know whether we were supposed to send food or drink in for it. I asked Mark to go to Tesco on the way home from work and buy some sausage rolls to send in. Last time Lukas had a party at school I sent sausage rolls and cocktail sausages and his teacher was extremely grateful especially since every other mummy had sent fairy cakes or chocolate biscuits lol. His teacher was really glad we had sent them in but also said it wasn’t necessary, she had thrown a party for them because she wanted to and had bought all the food and drink out of her own money. Apparently Lukas had a great time, he said the sausage rolls were a big hit lol, when he came out of his classroom he was busy munching on a doughnut and trying to carry all of his school stuff. The part that made me laugh was the LSA asking me if it was alright for Lukas to have a doughnut, I was laughing because he was already eating it and I can’t see the point in asking after you have given it to him. I am not one of these parents who is bothered about him eating anything he wants, he knows what he likes and what he doesn’t and to be honest he’s usually not a huge fan of much sweet stuff, but if I had minded it was a bit late asking me after he had eaten half of it wasn’t it lol. It’s not as if you were ever going to get that doughnut back once you had given it to him. I was slightly surprised he ate the doughnut since he doesn’t usually touch jam, he only likes ring doughnuts preferably with icing sugar not the granulated stuff it’s a texture thing he doesn’t like the feel of it on his hands. But I guess his weird rules for food are different when he’s at school because he sees his friends doing it and wants to do it too.

Decorating the bathroom (15th and 16th July)

They were finally supposed to be coming back to finish off the bathroom with the new paint and covering the wooden floor but things didn’t exactly go to plan. For a start Nan had to argue with them to even get them to agree to redecorate, they had completely wrecked the paint that was in there when they redid the tiles around the bath. There was plaster wiped everywhere and also since the new bathroom stuff isn’t as wide as the old stuff great big chunks of bare brown plaster showing everywhere. Then they would only agree to repaint the bathroom magnolia which Nan had a mental about, she did finally get them to agree on painting it blue with white gloss work. They also weren’t going to do the floor we had tiles down before now we have bare unsealed wood not exactly a great idea for a bathroom. When the guy turned up he said he didn’t have the flooring as it wasn’t in stock. He did offer to lay laminate flooring which is supposed to be really slippery, again not a great idea for a bathroom so we are stuck with the wooden floor for now, he’s supposed to be ordering the tiles or lino I can’t remember which and then coming back to lay it once it arrives. He only ended up doing one coat of blue paint on the walls and one coat of gloss on the door. For some reason he thought that it would be a good idea to gloss over the lock on the door, so we now have a very stuff bathroom door lock that I can’t lock lol. When Nan came up to look at it before he left she managed to stumble at the top of the stairs and put out her hand to stop herself falling right onto the wet gloss paint. I am not exactly thrilled about the mess he has left behind there are paint smears on the wooden floor as well as paint splashes in the new bath but Nan keeps going on about what a good job he has done. I think that just proves my point about how bad her eyes have gotten. The bathroom is chaotic since there have been no shelves or any of the other wooden stuff put back up, it’s getting slightly frustrating not having a toilet roll holder on the wall and having to bring all of the shampoo, bubble bath etc in and out every time we want to use it. So with the exception of the floor and making the bathroom more normal with the addition of all the bathroom stuff after we drill new holes for everything since they filled them when they painted the bathroom is finally done. The tiles aren’t straight, the floorboards underneath the bath haven’t been replaced, they sealed on the side of the bath so you can’t see they didn’t change the floorboards this also means that if it leaks there again they won’t be able to get to the pipes under the bath to fix it, the toilet frequently blocks and doesn’t exactly flush right all the time we also have a suspicion it leaks slightly sometimes, the hot tap on the sink rotates when you try and turn it on, the cold tap on the sink drips constantly, they took the shower out and haven’t replaced it so we now have to manage without one, they broke the towel rack when they took it down and never bothered to fill out an expenses form to replace that or anything else they damaged, they threw out the wooden toilet seat that we had put on, they took the shower curtain pole down and I don’t think it will go back up, they have bent the carpet gripper and lost the screws so we need a new one of those too, the paint can’t be wiped clean because of only having one coat of paint on the walls but at least they are gone now. It’s crazy isn’t it that it’s taken this long to have such a crappy job done, that only needed doing in the first place because of their incompetence. The first problem with the bathroom was that the flush wasn’t working properly, they came to fix it and made it worse. Then we had the second issue where Nan broke the part in the toilet while trying to flush it they bodged that up instead of replacing it. Then the toilet flooded into the downstairs bathroom and they said it was one thing that it turned out not to be, then they said it was something else before finally admitting that it was the waste pipe under the bath that had cracked, that they hadn’t repaired because they couldn’t get the side panel off the bath to fix it. Remember all the hassle we had with the downstairs toilet after it leaked? The arguments it caused because they wouldn’t come and redecorate and then Nan insisted on wallpaper in there and they did a real cock up of a job, well the bathroom needed to be ripped out because the damp had warped the floor. I just checked the leak in the bathroom was March last year, and you wonder why I am so frustrated lol.

Wear Pink To School (16th July)

Before I explain anything else about it you might want to look at these two newspaper articles here and here and a copy of the letter we got home from the school about this.

Most of you will have heard the sad news of the death of Jake Spicer - one of the bravest children I have ever met. When he was being treated for cancer he still came into school - even after terrible chemotherapy treatments - he even took part in the Christmas production. We feel honoured to have known such an inspirational and courageous human being. Our thoughts are with his friends and family. Jake's family have asked everyone going to the funeral - not all our school can go to church of course - but in his honour we are asking that every child and member of staff wears something pink. We are also collecting money to be given to the charity that Jake himself raised over £15000 for - one to help others of course! If you would like to make a contribution, please send it into school in an envelope marked Jake.

Before Lukas was born I used to work with that little boys mum, she was one of my bosses at work. I had left before he was diagnosed with cancer, but I remember when he was since he was local it was all over the papers and he went to the school where Lukas goes now. You may wonder why I thought this should be mentioned on my blog, well you need to understand one little thing, there is nothing Lukas hates more than the colour pink. I even bought him a pink T-shirt that I used to threaten to make him wear whenever he was naughty because I knew it was guaranteed to make him behave every single time. On our last trip to Chessington they had a T-shirt for his favourite ride, Bubbleworks on sale. I thought that since it was Bubbleworks he would overcome his hatred of the fact that it was bright pink. The morning he went to school he had the biggest meltdown I have ever seen. It started over the pink top because he didn’t want to wear it, he moved on to hysterical crying because he was scared that he was going to die too, he’s always been a little bit strange when it comes to people dying, it’s not really all that surprising after what happened with Leo that death would freak him out a little bit. But this wasn’t even anything I had ever seen from him before. Mark ended up having to drag him to school kicking, screaming and crying. It broke my heart to make him go there was a huge part of me who was tempted to just say let him stay home today but I knew that I couldn’t do that. I went with Mark to pick him up because I was worried about how he had been all day, he couldn’t stop talking about how the whole school had been outside in the playground to see the funeral procession go past. He was full of questions and a little confused by it all. He’s never seen a real coffin before, Leo’s was a teeny little white box and when he went to Yvonne’s funeral the coffin was under a covering, and at Lorraine and Mark’s Mum’s funerals everything was slightly different because they were being cremated. I also think since the school was talking about it he thought it was going to be a small coffin I don’t think he realised that Jake was 15. When we got home we thought he would be eager to take the pink T-shirt off but he surprised us by point blank refusing, I'm not entirely sure I understand his change of heart on it. I assume it’s because he saw everyone else at school wearing pink and wanted to be the same. I guess it’s just one of those things that is not hugely important but I wanted to get down to make sure I never forget about. I also thought you might like to see a photo of him in it lol. Here are two for you to see, they were both taken after he had been crying but before his meltdown.


Lukas’s last day of school (17th July)

I was supposed to be taking him for his last day of school, it’s a bit of a tradition we have. It means I get to see him all excited over breaking up and it also means I get to take the last day of school photos and make sure that his teacher gets her gift. This year I was feeling too ill to do any of those things, he went to school with his teachers gift but it didn’t have a card with it or a photo in the frame because I hadn’t gotten around to doing either. There were no last day of school photos and both me and Lukas were more than a little disappointed over it. He also took in some chocolate cakes for his friends since his birthday is over the school holidays. Even though I was still feeling really ill I made myself go and collect him from school since it’s the last chance to make sure everything that needs to come home from school does come home. He came out with a folder full of drawings, projects and other stuff he had done over the year, a whole box of cakes left over, dragging his book bag, PE Kit, coat and lunch bag. I have no idea if his teacher liked her little gift since knowing Mark and Lukas they never told her it was from him, I would be willing to bet money that they either handed it to her without saying anything or just put it on her desk. It was a little frame and a memo/picture holder saying number 1 teacher on it. I figured she wouldn’t be overwhelmed with teacher stuff just yet since this was her 1st year. Lukas was thrilled to be on summer holidays, I was a lot less thrilled to find out when he goes back to school next year he will have an entirely new school uniform. I have to buy him proper trousers (not exactly an easy task, he has been wearing tracksuit bottoms for the last year or two), button down shirts (he can’t do buttons because of the problems with his hands), proper shoes (no trainers allowed) and he has to have a school sweatshirt and tie that can’t be picked up until the 1st of September! I fail to see why they want to change the uniform and personally think it’s a stupid idea to make little kids wear ties to school. I am of the opinion that school uniform is a good thing as long as it’s flexible, I can’t see why it matters if he wears trainers, tracksuit bottoms and polo shirts to school or why I have to buy a school branded top that costs £12.50 and a tie that costs £4.50 (well you get the first one free when you buy the jumper but it’s not the point). Lukas has always had school jumpers, but a lot of kids in his class only ever wore the plain unbranded navy blue ones I don’t think it’s fair that their parents are having to buy clothes that are more expensive. His uniform is going to be expensive because of his size, and I have to get someone we know to alter the trousers length because it’s impossible to buy them big enough in the waist but also short enough in the leg. For now I am choosing to forget about the school uniform as I have enough other stuff to stress over for now. Once the baby is born then I will start stressing over finding and buying it all ready for September 2nd.

Sunday, July 05, 2009

10 things you shouldn’t say or do to a pregnant woman

or to be more specific THIS pregnant woman especially if you like all of your body parts attached, what can I say I am a bit short tempered at the moment, and since these are the things that are annoying me the most I may as well journal about them so when I feel more normal I can scrap about them. Who knows maybe one day when the boys have pregnant wives/girlfriends of their own they will appreciate knowing all the things that they shouldn’t say lol. Or maybe once they are written down they will seem less significant and I might be able to just ignore the comments from now on, instead of them being something else that stresses me out. If nothing else this is just a much better thing to journal about than say Mark going out yesterday to get Lukas a happy meal and being knocked off his bike by some idiot in a car, how lucky to walk away with nothing more than a trashed bike, cracked helmet and some nasty cuts and bruises or how we now have to find the cash to replace the bike and the crash helmet. Maybe I will feel like talking about that tomorrow, but for now every single time I think about it I feel sick.

1. “Wow you are looking huge/massive/ready to pop/bigger every time I see you”. None of those are a good thing to say to any woman at any time, but when you are pregnant and well aware of how huge you look you certainly don’t need anyone to remind you of it.

2. Reach out and touch her stomach. It is not I repeat not suddenly ok for you to touch me, my stomach is not public property and I am certainly not inviting you to touch, stroke, rub or have contact with me in any other way. This is bad enough when family and friends do it but it’s even more annoying when it’s strangers doing it especially since when you touch mine it hurts.

3. “When are you due?” I’m sarcastic and I usually end up replying with something along the lines of whenever he feels like being born lol. It gets frustrating when people ask you this over and over again, but to be honest it has more to do with the fact that however close or far away your due date is when you are having a bad day and hurting it’s too far away because it’s not right this second.

4. “Still pregnant then?” Few things are guaranteed to annoy me more than anyone asking a question the answer is obvious to. If the huge bump and the shitty mood I am in doesn’t give away the answer to that question you seriously need to go and get your eyes examined.

5. Anything at all along the lines of “be glad you are still pregnant” I fully understand that in most people’s opinions the longer you are pregnant the better, I even get that they would expect you to feel like the longer the baby stays there the healthier they will be. The thing that everyone seems to overlook though is that everyday I am pregnant I am feeling worse, it’s getting harder and harder for me to do everything. I would be lying if I said that I am not scared that these problems won’t all go away once the baby is born, I know how hard taking care of Leo in SCBU was and I am really worried that if I get much worse I won’t be able to manage it. I am struggling with everything and really feel like I am being a crappy mother and wife at the moment so you will have to forgive me if I don’t exactly share your sentiments and just want this baby to finally be born. Call it damage limitation since right now I can just about hold it all together and struggle to get things done. I am not the only one who is surprised I am still pregnant even the hospital were expecting him to have been born by now.

6. “You must be getting so excited” actually no I am terrified about a lot of things (most of which I have already talked about on here") but I don’t really want to stand here and explain that to you, so I am just going to grit my teeth and nod politely while I wish you would go away and stop talking to me.

7. “Oh you had a breech baby, how was your c-section” or “are you having a c-section again this time” actually I had 2 breech babies and neither of them was a c-section. It’s very frustrating to me when people assume that just because they were breech I would have elected or had to have a c-section. The last thing in the world I would ever want is someone to cut into my stomach especially with my 2 previous experiences with general anaesthetics.

8. “At least this one is head down” this comment annoys me even more than the one about c-sections. I know that it’s normal for babies to be born that way around but I haven’t ever had one. I am not exactly a fan of the unknown and there are a lot of things that worry me about this baby being so different from the other two. I had super quick labours with the other two I am scared that this one will be longer and harder and I won’t be able to cope.

9. Don’t make a comment about my name choices. Yes I do know that there are 25 other letters in the alphabet I could have chosen from for a first name but for some reason unknown to me, each time the only ones we have liked have started with L. I understand that it’s not exactly normal for a baby to have so many names but all of mine have. Lukas has 4, Leo had 4 and this one has 4 too since it seemed wrong for him to have less. I had a really hard time settling on his name and this one clicked, Lukas liked it and Nan can spell it which is always a bonus. I don’t really care if you like it or not since it’s not going to be the name of your child please mind your own business.

10. “How are you feeling” you really don’t want to hear about how ill I am feeling and I really don’t want to stand here and sound like I am whining about every little thing. It’s sweet that you are making the effort to ask but we can all hear the unspoken words inside your head if I do tell you I am fed up or feeling ill “your only pregnant” if only things were that simple. You won’t ever begin to understand that most of these problems exist even when I am not pregnant and he just happens to make it worse as well as adding his own complications into the mix.

Anyway since Lukas and Mark have gone to Tesco to do some shopping, I am going to go and lay down until they get back. I have been feeling really ill since I got up this morning, and it’s not exactly the usual pregnancy related stuff. I am shivering and feeling really sick, I keep getting issues with my vision and coming over all lightheaded and dizzy. I am hoping that a bit of rest might help if nothing else maybe it will stop making me want to throw up for a while. I might be back a bit later if I can find some motivation to do anything at all today.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Today is a much better day

Last night when I spoke to Mark on the phone I was almost in tears, I was tired and frustrated and very very hot. He was going to Tesco on the way home and decided that chocolate ice cream might help cheer me up, it was a very nice thought but it was kind of chocolate mush by the time he got home lol. But he did manage to cheer me up by making me a sandwich before he went to bed without being asked. He kind of knows that when he is at work I usually rely on food that takes a few minutes to make cereal is my favourite, he also knows that when I am miserable I don’t bother to eat at all. I thought it was really sweet. We had a bit of a chat before he went to sleep and then I laid there and although I had a bit of trouble falling asleep in the first place it didn’t take more than an hour for me to drift off. Sleeping makes me happy, last night I was so tired out that even the heat didn’t manage to keep me awake. I slept and I didn’t dream at all which made a very nice change. Then when I finally got up today I started my day with a bath all by myself before I got dressed. Mark decided that it would be nice to buy me chocolate, which me and the baby decided made a very good breakfast lol. Little things like this make me happy. I bought some new scrapbooking stuff because Scrap Matters had a big sale on and he wasn’t even bothered, I was kind of expecting to get told off for spending more money but he just didn’t seem bothered. He’s gone to get Lukas from school now and before he left I even got a really nice cuddle. Even though it is still really hot, and I have to go and find a clean top because this one is too hot I am smiling because for the first time in a while I feel happy, I have been chattering away to the baby and I am excited that Lukas will be home in a minute. Strangely enough even the pain isn’t bothering me so much today, it’s still there and it still hurts but I don’t feel depressed by it today. Even Nan can’t bother me today when she started moaning I just didn’t feel like it mattered, or was worth getting bothered about. I just sat and listened and then came back upstairs, not stressed out by her in the least. What a difference a day makes lol. Gotta go I hear my little guy downstairs and he’s singing so sounds like he is happy too lol.

About ready to lose the plot

If you are not in the mood to read a bit of a ranting post please feel free to come back tomorrow when I might be in a bit of a better mood, tonight I am frustrated and I just need to vent before Mark gets home. You all know the problems I have living with Nan, her constant moaning, whinging and complaining are tiring to listen to and depressing, sometimes she makes life completely unbearable because her complaints are just endless. From the minute I get up in the morning until she finally goes to bed around now, I have 2 choices either stay in the cave I call my bedroom and only listen to her grumbling when I venture down the stairs for food or whatever or make the effort to be nice or sociable to her and have to put up with alternating between being ignored completely or listening to her moaning. This is all fairly normal I would probably even go as far as saying I am used to it, I tune out some of it and sometimes it gets to me but for the most part I have come to accept that it’s a part of living here. So you may wonder exactly what my problem is today, my problem essentially boils down to 3 things neither of which I can do anything about. The first problem is the endless competing, you know that the pregnancy is not exactly easy on me, I don’t really need to say anymore than that do I. Well if I happen to mention to her that I am not feeling well she interrupts and launches into a tirade about her. It’s got to the point where I am just tired of listening to the constant thing of her trying to outdo me, like its some sort of competition. I mean honestly who really wants to be the one who is the sickest anyway. She insists that she’s too ill to do this or that but then does it anyway. She doesn’t comprehend the concept of the word can’t. I frequently hear I can’t stand up or I can’t breathe, and I feel like saying well what do you call what you are doing now then. The argument then moves on to her saying things like “I have to do this to keep going”, again she doesn’t grasp the concept that there are a lot of things I physically can’t do, in her mind anyone can do anything if they try hard enough. The word I have used to describe her many times before is martyr I think she does a lot of things just so she can complain about doing them. It feels like she makes everything a competition, she wants to be the centre of attention and the “most ill” all the time, if you don’t make it all about her she sulks and basically acts like a three year old or she just rants on and on louder and louder until you either give up and say her problems are far worse or you walk away. Even on my most stupid days I don’t have enough of a death wish to mention the fact that most of her problems are self inflicted and she could easily fix them.  I hear constantly about how ill she’s feeling, I also have to listen to her hypochondria and self diagnoses as she reads magazines or the leaflets that come with her medications and convinces herself that she has every single one of the side effects or problems listed. The second problem is that I have to hear all of her moaning about other people, Lisa and the kids have gone on holiday for two weeks. Pretty much since she booked the stupid thing I have had to hear about it. Lisa making a big deal because Malcolm will be away at the same time, Nan complaining about Lisa, Nan complaining about Lisa complaining about Malcolm. Then there’s the so called friends of Lisa’s who offer to do things for Nan and I have to listen to all of that to. Actually I am not even going to get started on that one today it’s a whole other blog post since no doubt if I start talking about Nan moaning about other people, I will end up having to talk about the builders and the housing association and everyone else Nan feels like complaining about. Then there’s the third thing, as I mentioned before, it’s currently very hot here. Everyone is fed up with the heat, everyone is hot and uncomfortable but yet only Nan is making a huge deal about it. She has put fans all around the house, and has spent the last few days whinging about it constantly. The other day she left her ceiling fan on in her room, with the door closed all day long and come 11pm ish when she went to bed the room was like an oven. I ended up having to drag all of her crap downstairs so she could sleep in the recliner chair. I offered to move the fan in the living room so it wouldn’t blow directly on her, she whinged and complained I ended up telling her to just do what she wanted. Then I got called all the way down the stairs to move the stupid thing because “It’s taking my breath away”. The following day I had to listen to her complaining that she got no sleep (bullshit because I could hear her snoring up here!) and it’s not long enough for her legs. Because she insists that it has to be in an almost seated position her feet come to the end of the leg rest, unless of course she’s telling you in which case her legs hang off the end completely. So that night we tried a different tact, I explained to her that putting her fan on just before she went to bed might help, leaving her windows open would help and not closing her bedroom door all day might help. She left the small window open but refused to open the big one, she left the door open a little bit but then insisted on closing it up when the guy from the builders came to inspect the crappy job on the bathroom (again for another post), so as you can guess since the day was hotter than the one before the room didn’t really feel much cooler. She did however listen to me and leave her bedroom door open a little last night. Only problem was that meant today I also had to listen to how the noise kept her awake and again I say bullshit because we could hear her snoring over our television because we turned it down so as not to disturb her. We tried yet another tact, put a fan on the landing, leave the door wide open and open the windows right up.  Again she refused to open the large window all day, but she did leave the door open, and the fan on the landing has been on all day. But for some reason she only wanted her ceiling fan on half power tonight and she’s insisted on the door being left wide open tonight so I am almost certain to have yet more complaints tomorrow about the noise, especially since she also insisted on leaving the fan on the landing on all night. Tomorrow is supposed to be even hotter still and as much as I try and be understanding and patient with her but I honestly feel like I can’t cope anymore. I am fed up with the heat, I haven’t slept properly in over a week, the baby is making me uncomfortable and I tripped over a bottle Mark decided to leave in the doorway earlier and pulled something in my stomach and my back trying to stop myself falling down the stairs. I have reached the point where I can no longer cope with the pain, and paracetamol isn’t helping one little bit. I feel like I am desperately clinging on to my very last bit of sanity and right about now drinking or massive amounts of painkillers are holding a certain appeal. I am not quite ready to give in to either but I am not entirely sure how much longer I can hold on to that resolve. I really can’t see an end in sight and I don’t know what I can do anymore. I feel like I have nowhere to turn and that there is absolutely no-one who can help. Right now I would honestly be happy to settle for just some sleep, or 5 minutes of relief from either the pain or the heat. See I am not at all fussed about which one it is, I just can’t deal with everything going on and her.