or maybe I just like looking at my pretty new blog lol. Seriously, there are just a lot of things I my mind that I feel like blogging about. You may be wondering why I haven’t really been mentioning the baby lately, well it’s really simple I am mad at him. I am mad that he seems to have no intention whatsoever of getting out. All of the so called “signs” of labour that I had with the other two mean nothing with this one, he’s determined to mock me with them and do everything in his own sweet time. Like the headache, before Lukas was born I had the worst headache I have ever felt the day before, it was like someone was literally crushing my head. With Leo I had that same headache only slightly worse thanks to the high blood pressure and other issues for a day or two beforehand. When I got this headache again I was actually relieved because I thought that he was finally going to make an appearance, I would even go as far as saying I was slightly excited when nothing happened that day I thought that was fine, after all it lasted for two days with Leo. When I got up the next day and the headache I thought couldn’t get any worse did I was still optimistic that it was all going to be ok because this headache only happens just before they are born. Did I mention that this was hmm over a month ago? Everyday when I have gotten up I have thought it can’t possibly get any worse yet every single day it does. Nothing I do changes it, or eases it even slightly. If it was just the headaches I would be frustrated and fed up but it’s not. There’s also been the 3 incidents of suspected broken waters. The first time we did a trip to the hospital, spent 15 hours there being prodded, poked and tested before coming home. The second time I refused to go to the hospital until it hurt (not that it doesn’t always hurt but you know what I mean). Sitting around a hospital for hours while Lukas is with Nan is not exactly my idea of fun. We sat around waiting for something “real” to start but it didn’t. We accepted that maybe we were just going to have leaking waters this time (sort of like with Leo, but I don’t have the energy to talk about that now) instead of them going in one huge gush. That second time I also refused to tell Nan because I didn’t want to listen to her nagging me to go to the hospital. I am getting to the 3rd time but I just need you to understand first that there are other things too. Like to pain across my stomach which has been getting worse each day, the vision problems which started as being hazy/blurry sometimes and is now almost constant, my stomach gets really tight and painful quite often but although the pain gets worse it’s doesn’t change in frequency, the seizures are getting more and more frequent and so are the dizzy spells that make the room spin, there’s the usual pregnancy stuff like peeing all the time, feeling sick etc and also the usual (for me anyway)just before they are born stuff like the actual throwing up and we’ll say dodgy stomach. Lately I spend all of my time either laying down or hobbling about like a little old woman, I can’t lean over, I can’t bend down hell I can’t even get in and out of the bath without help at the moment. I can’t remember the last time I slept for more than 10 minutes at a time and there is no such thing as comfortable anymore since sitting, standing, laying etc all come with their own complications and pain. I guess we kind of hoped that some of the issues would clear up once I finished the antibiotics the hospital prescribed for the urine infection, hoped some of the tiredness would go away once I started the double dose of iron and folic acid, but more than anything just hoped it would all go away because he had been born! He has taken to some weird position that manages to put him where it’s not only low and uncomfortable, but also in the middle of my chest and making it very difficult to breathe all at the same time. He’s either very long like Leo was or incredibly flexible, maybe he’s doing handstands in there I haven’t a clue. I just wish that he would please stop whatever it he’s doing so I could breathe easier or better yet just stop keeping me waiting and get out! By dates he’s 3 days overdue tomorrow, but by the hospital scans we still have another 3 weeks I think it is until they will induce me. Hopefully if he’s still there then they will also have a nice little padded cell ready because I will be truly out of my freaking mind by then. I guess the irony is though that all of that pales in comparison to everything else going on around here. Mark has apparently decided to run for the laziest man in the world award and not tell me, not to be left out Lukas has decided that every single thing he says needs to be whined he’s even giving Nan a run for her money on who can whinge, whine, complain and moan the most in the space of a day. I spend every waking hour trying to act as mediator between any two of them at a time, arguing with one or more of them or trying to resist the urge to burst into tears or walk away from the whole lot of them. I no longer have the patience to deal with people in general since I feel so ill, but more than anything else I do not have the energy to stand and listen to anymore of my family (Lukas, Mark and Nan) or any of there crap. I wish they would understand that’s it’s taking every ounce of strength I have to just be standing there listening to them, I don’t have the words or solutions to fix every one of their problems. They all need to just go away and bicker amongst themselves for a while. I am done with the sarcastic comments about the baby, no-one wants this kid to be born more than I do, yet they all seem to think I need to hear a million times a day about how frustrated they are that he hasn’t been born, or telling him to hurry up. I feel like telling them he’s obviously not interested in listening to you and neither am I, shut up but I don’t because it’s just not worth the argument. I am deeply depressed, very frustrated and fed up and honestly I don’t know how much more I can take. It’s probably a good thing I didn’t end up going to my midwife appointment today, I think I would have really struggled not to just burst into tears when I was talking to her. The last thing I would want is for her to see how fragile I am mentally at the moment, I know I am bizarre and I probably should let them see how much things are getting to me because then they might be able to help but I just can’t do it. I guess I am always worried that if they see I can’t cope or they see how close I am to complete mental breakdown they will start asking questions I don’t want to answer, there will be people visiting and watching that I don’t want around. Call me paranoid but I always worry they will see how much of a mess I am and start thinking that I shouldn’t be a mummy. I love Lukas and Fidget with all of my heart if I didn’t have them I would have given up a long time ago. I know that these people are there to help but maybe it’s stupid pride, me being too stubborn to admit I want or need the help or just plain fear but I don’t want their help, and I don’t want to talk to them. I happen to be one of these people who doesn’t like the health visitor coming to visit, I feel like she questions how I look after them and judges me. I also don’t like social workers of any description for the same reason but then considering the one occasion where I have had to deal with a social worker was when she was accusing me of hurting Lukas when Leo was admitted to hospital before he died, is it any wonder I am not exactly full of nice thoughts about them. I don’t like doctors much either or therapists or counsellors and I certainly don’t like anyone to do with the school since they spend all their time telling me what I can’t do with my own child. I always feel like telling them to sod of and mind their own business, I am doing the best I can and we may doggie paddle our way through life but Lukas is happy enough, he’s fed and clothed and cared for but more than anything else he is loved and adored. I may not be perfect mother material for various reasons but no-one could ever question my love and devotion to my kids. I am only really happy when I am left to my own devices and no-one questions me or interferes. In my perfect fantasy I would get to live in a little house in a big concrete field (remember me moaning about grass before, if that makes no sense), that takes too many hours and too much effort for anyone to ever come and visit. As long as I could get my shopping delivered I wouldn’t have to speak to anyone in real life and I would be perfectly content and happy. I would get to home school my kids and not have to worry about bullies or school uniforms or ever be told what to do. We could just spend every day enjoying being a family and having fun doing things together. It would never happen, and no doubt I would go stir crazy if I was stuck in a house with Mark all of the time but it’s a nice fantasy for tonight. Mark will be home in a minute and there is almost certainly going to be yet another argument about one thing or another so I may as well go and start being uncomfortable in the bed now.
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