So just for those of you who haven't been/are not currently trying to have a baby aka TTC, AF is Aunty Flo aka my period. So thats the first part of operation WTMI (Way too much information lol) the second part is to confess why no more AF I had a doctors appointment this morning and I went full of the intent to not have a complete meltdown like last week oh thats right you don't know about that do you I never got around to blogging it.
Ok long story short Lukas had an appointment, I had an appointment and Lukas had a strop on. He kicked the doctor refused to be touched and spent the whole time we were there driving me crazy, it ended up with me accidently scratching him when I tried to get him off me so I could discuss stuff with the doctor. So anyway asked Nan to take Lukas to school so I would be on time for the 9:15am appointment (yes I know that's night time lol). Got there early - SHOCK HORROR and was all geared up had everything I wanted to say planned in my head and then that lovely phrase "I have a student in with me do you mind?" So I'm sat there thinking hell yes I mind but brain and mouth never engage do they because you sit there and here yourself say "No of course not" So as much as I had wanted to confess that he was right I am depressed and maybe it was the time to try anti depressants again I didn't instead I made myself into a very shallow person I asked for a contraceptive injection because "I have a white wedding dress and I am worried about having a huge red blood stain on it" I could have told the truth which is right now the idea of having another miscarriage keeps me awake at night, that comes into my head when I am thinking of the many different way there are to kill yourself and why I could never do any of them because they left so much mess behind for other people, I could have told him that the pain drives me insane and I feel like I can't bloody cope anymore. I could have told him that Im sick to death of being wiped out all the time, but we wouldn't want a student to think he has neurotic freaks as patients would we, so it all has to wait for another 2 weeks until the students gone. But hey it's been getting progressively worse for nearly 5 years so whats another two weeks of hell?
Edited to add: Just incase you didn't guess the title is sarcastic. Would adore another baby more than words can describe but right now periods from hell are not something I can add to my tower of problems because it will fall down and I will lose my mind.
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