Wednesday, February 17, 2010

A lot can happen in 7 years

but apparently 7 years still isn’t long enough to make the pain of losing a child go away. This is the first anniversary of Gaiebraille’s that I have had a baby for and it’s definitely strange. It seems to make the pain that bit more intense and spark thoughts of what might have been. Last night as we were sitting there talking it became apparent just how much it still hurts me. We talked about when they told us, we talked about the hospital stay and the failures, we talked about the frustration and the anger, we talked about the sadness, Mark talked about the fear he felt while I was being operated on and how scared he was as the hours ticked by, we talked about the pain and we talked about what came after. We touched on how the loss changed everything but not once did either of us have the guts to talk about the baby as a person. I know that might sound like the wrong words to use about someone who never really got that far. But what I meant is that neither of us was brave enough to discuss the hopes and dreams that we had that were taken away along with Gaiebraille. I don’t think I will ever really be able to share the way losing Gaiebraille made me feel. Each of our babies has been special and every single one of them is loved but none of them were ever wanted quite as much as Gaiebraille was. Lukas was my first and that meant that there was fear and even resentment that my pregnancy was so difficult while everyone else around me seemed to be having it so simple. I have talked before about my feelings when I found out he was a boy, about my shock and even my slight disappointment. When I found out I was pregnant with Gaiebraille, I was hoping to get the chance to put things right. I was excited and I was happy. I don’t ever remembered feeling worried about having two babies so close together. My brother Gavin is just over a year younger than I am and Darren is a year younger than him. We used to fight a lot but it was kind of nice being able to go to school and have siblings the year below you. I liked being able to look out for them and I thought Lukas might like being able to look out for his little brother or sister too. I was full of plans about buying a double pushchair and trying to make work out how everything was going to fit and then it was all just taken away. I will never forget the moment when they told us or Mark’s tears. I will never forget how much I didn’t want them to see me cry and how I just wanted out of that room more than anything else in the world. It scares me how vivid all of the details still are about everything that happened when I struggle to remember what I had for breakfast. Since we lost Gaiebraille I have never really felt complete as a person, ok literally I am not complete since during the surgery to remove the baby they had to remove part of my uterus and one of my fallopian tubes but it’s more than that. I thought I was ready to talk about it but the overwhelming wave of emotion begs to differ. I guess talking about it on Gaiebraille’s anniversary is a little like yanking a scab of a wound that you think has healed only to see blood come gushing out again. I am not healed and maybe I never will be. It hurts me that Mark didn’t remember what the date meant until I reminded him. It makes me angry that he is able to move on and forget. I didn’t make a big deal when he got up today and went to do washing at his Dad’s leaving me alone with my thoughts. I didn’t complain when he went to work I just accept that is the way he is and there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t forget the date it is permanently etched onto my brain and no matter how much pain it causes me I think that’s a good thing. Gaiebraille is gone but will never ever be forgotten at least by me. It doesn’t really matter what other people do as long as I remember that’s enough. Today I lit a candle in memory of my baby and I couldn’t find the holder I normally use (it’s a white one with an angel on it). I ended up using one that Lukas had made for me at school and as I did it made me realise something, by lighting a candle for Gaiebraille in something Lukas has made I am showing that all of my babies alive and dead are a part of my life. Happy anniversary my sweet angel, you are loved now and always Gaiebraille Charlett Blake.

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