A Day full of drama and sadness

So lets start with an update on yesterdays post. The matter I was discussing has now been resolved blog links are allowed.I don't really want to say anything else about this today as there are other things bothering me more.
Lukas wanted to paint earlier today and since Marks mother was cleaning and whinging I decided to let him do it in our room, on his bed.
It was fine until lukas decided to be an idiot and climb behind the mattress again. He gets told off for this constantly. He managed to knock water and paints everywhere luckily his bed just needed a wipe off and he missed the mattress. He knew he was in trouble just by seeing the look on my face and promptly ran off downstairs. Little monster.
So I have learnt quite a few things today.
But the one I have decided to share is this one :Sometimes you don't know you want something until you haven't got it.
Remember the post on Sunday about my period being late. Well its arrived and I am heartbroken. I know theres always other months but 12 days is a long time. Maybe theres a part of me that wonders if I was and I had another miscarriage or maybe its just that I an angry because I feel my body has let me down again. But I think a lot of my problem comes from an innocent sleepy comment Mark made the other night. He was asleep and he turned over and put his hand on my tummy. Then he mumbled something about would be a nice birthday present just like yours. Which made me cry. Lukas was my 17th birthday present because thats the day we found out we were expecting him. Lukas did something bizarre earlier he kissed my tummy and when I asked him why he said "I'm kissing the baby girl from Leo" that made me cry too. I guess theres a lot of wishful thinking in this household at the moment. The injustice of it stings a lot people like my mum can just have babies they dont have to try. While I know I am by no means a perfect mummy I like to think I don't do that bad of a job. Tomorrow we are taking Lukas to the fair and then Wednesday hes off back to school. I have to try and put on a happy face when all I want to do is sit and cry.