Im feeling very sorry for myself. As you know from previous post my period arrived in its full glory. The part that wasn't already crushed by it coming was when I noticed that its not just blood. I have had two definate miscarriages before and 2 possibles this is definately another possible. As if that didn't make me sad enough all hell broke loose here today. Work phoned Mark this morning and informed him he was supposed to be there. I went off my tree because we had a day out all arranged, the fighting and argument escalated to the point where I said I was leaving. All this because even when asked repeatedly Mark can't do a simple thing like check a rota. So I had one of my stupid fits didn't I, in the kitchen - the only room with a concrete floor and boy do my ribs know about it. Without massive amounts of painkillers breathing hurts like hell. Oh well shall just add it to my list of other things that make life hard. After this Mark starts shouting and saying "he needs time to think", Lukas at this point is screaming "Daddy,please don't go, please don't leave me" and Mark replied "Daddy will be back in a minute" left and went to work like everything was normal. When he went I couldn't actually use my right arm properly either Shoulder had taken a whack too but is fine now. I took Lukas to the park to try and work out what had happened and then I came home and started panicing.
Everything in my life is falling apart, and I don't know how to process that he had just gone to work. Poor Debs she called me after me losing the plot on the team thread, and spent over an hour listening to me. I know shes religious but thats akin to sainthood - you're one in a million Debs thank you. While I wasn't actually content at losing the plot only that much and after Mark called me from work and didn't grasp why I was angry and crying. I decided to take drastic action I walked around to the hospital with Lukas in tow. Then I made Lukas cry, I threatened to leave him there with Mark. I actually turned and walked as far as the door about 10 steps before I turned around and went back to soothe him. I couldn't do it. I couldn't bear hearing him cry. I was trying to make a point to Mark so that he could feel what it's like to be left to comfort Lukas when he's inconsolable. As any sane person would tell you hospitals and severe latex allergies dont mix and stress+ allergy= messed up weird person who is confused and crazy. Mark had to bring me home from the hospital round the corner in a taxi. He then left Lukas with his mother and went back to work. I was really bad with the confusion etc and my ribs were killing and he just left. I sleep badly on and off until he got home then I left. I walked around for a while narrowly avoided getting dragged into a fight and then came home. I don't know where I stand now or what happens next. I am confused because I don't feel Mark cares anymore. To be honest I think its one of those damned either way things if I stay, Mark won't change he will still be stupid and thoughtless and not listen. If I leave I know it will hurt me and Lukas more than it hurts Mark. It just feels so hopeless. He says he loves me but I don't feel like he even understands what love is. Lukas is supposed to be going back to school later today but he doesn't have his trainers, Mark never took back his new outfit that Tesco's left the tag on I haven't cut his hair or anything. Lukas is tossing and turning and crying in his sleep, I haven't been to bed because of my ribs and not being able to settle because theres too much on my mind. Mark well he's flat out snoring like a train hasn't moved all night, and you wonder why I think he doesn't care.
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