TMI Alert

So from the title you were warned. lol
Last night I did do a pregnancy test and the result was negative, which I have to admit I was very relieved about. Although admitedly a little sad about today.
So after a sleepless night last night and some restless sleep today, I have come to a decision. Love is a blessing and a curse. I love Mark with all my heart and soul and right now I don't feel leaving him is the right option. I intend on going through with the wedding and helping Mark to work on the issues.
So maybe I was over-reacting and being a drama queen last night but seeing pornographic images of rape on our computer made my blood run cold. I have been on the other side of it and the idea that someone especially Mark would enjoy watching that made me feel sick.
I will admit last night there was a part of me that wished I followed some sort of religion, that I was more than willing to have got down and asked for a little divine help. But that would make me a complete hypocrite, I dont think its right to believe in a god as and when it suits you.
So today when I got up it suddenly dawned on me that maybe I should ask Mark what I wanted to know which was Why? I know in my heart he would never be capable of doing something like that he could never hurt me. I know he loves me, when that dawned on me im not sure. It could have been when I saw Mark sitting on the floor sobbing a complete wreck, he's lost himself somewhere and I know hes confused because he doesn't know how it happened or how to fix it. It could have been as I laid next to him in our bed this morning sleeping peacefully how innocent and fragile he looked.
As I tried to ask him why and the words wouldn't come I realised I didn't need to know why. Because whatever the reason(s) knowing them wouldn't help me move on. But they could have made me more confused.
Course of action from here on in is to work on our trust, talk lots and love each other. Make an appointment with Mark for the doctors. Then just take everything one day at a time.