When theres problems in life the gut instinct is to run to your friends. But what about when the stuff you need to talk about is caused by your best friend. When its something you cant discuss with just anyone where do you run then? How do you give enough details to convey the problem without airing parts you are ashamed of the parts that make you feel sick.
So lets go for a huge all in vent and try and clear my head enough to function I will start with the stuff I want to shout about and hopefully I will get myself so worked up the other stuff will come spilling out.
Yesterday after another night of insomnia I got home from Nans about 7pm and went to bed. I hadn't bathed Lukas, fed him or anything I was just too exhausted to care. I knew Mark would be home soon and he would take care of it. I slept through until I was rudely awaken this morning, because we had an appointment to go to - Declaring our intent to marry at the registry office.
Now the people who are reading this know me well enough to know that
1. I don't do mornings. The only time I am ever out of bed before middayish is when I haven't been to bed the night before.
2. I don't do punctual. Its a running joke I will be late to my own funeral.
So the shock of me being at the registry office at 8:30am for a 9am appointment may very well kill my friends off, lol.
They asked us all the legal questions are you free to marry,blah blah blah. Yes Yes Yes etc.
As I sat that it dawned on me that even though I wasn't really into the idea of marriage I was actually commiting to spend the rest of my life with Mark. The reservations and doubts hadn't been strong enough to make me back out of doing it. As I signed that form in front of me I will admit I felt like it wasn't me doing it, like I was watching someone else sign my life away.
Things started getting complicated when the registrar asked what name we would be taking. I scowled at her and told her it was a sore point lol. I hate the idea of giving up my name, because I feel like I would be signing a piece of myself away. I would become his property Mrs Charlett not Crystal anymore. Bizarre I know but thats me all over. The registrar was very understanding and said it didn't matter she didn't need to know today. When we stepped outside Mark through me for a complete loop with the simple comment "would it make you happy if I changed my name for you". Huh that wasn't in the blueprints. There was no warning of that one coming. I was bloody shocked senseless and just stood there staring at him like he was some crazy person.
We got home I went to bed. Lately I am just shattered all the time. I feel sick and just generally shit shall I make it better - I'm late. Being pregnant now would obviously make perfect sense since its at the very least damn inconvienient lol but as we all know babies come when babies feel like coming and if its bad for you its good for them.Shall we explore that opinion.I fell pregnant with Lukas after being raped whilst at work, we didn't and still don't know if Lukas is Marks we just decided it didn't matter. If he is that other persons (damn I shudder calling him that) thats TS because Marks on his birth certificate as his daddy because to us he is. So technically thats fraud or lying by omission by I dont give a crap.
I fell pregnant with Leo when me and Mark were fighting and had split up. Because I thought (although never proved) he was screwing around with a slapper from work.I found out I was pregnant with Leo a few days after I had poured vodka all over Mark clothes and threatened to set fire to them. I had also chopped up all his socks and pants.I never claimed to be normal lol
The first and second miscarriages came when we had a settled (well for us anyway lol) relationship. When the timing was great for us and they were more desired than anything.
So anyway switching back to the being asleep thing. When I woke up, Mark was out fixing Beckys computer. (Becky is his brothers ex girlfriend). I turned my machine on and something wasn't right I had an internet connection but no webpages were loading. I was annoyed but just switched on the laptop to use the internet on that. When Mark got back he said oh no worries its easy to fix that. Please note at this point we have already restored this machine to factory defaults this week because it was being so slow. So he goes to do it and we get an error message first thought oh shit. Error urges us to restart tried that double shit we now have an error and the machine wont turn on. Think no big deal Dell can repair it have back ups of everything.Then I start trying to load all my vital programs onto laptop to use until my baby is fixed. Can you guess what happened next? Well it doesn't take rocket science to work out that a simple error means I dont have the damn backups of my photos. The error being I moved not copied files across onto other machine. So I was devastated I thought I had lost every one of my photos. My rubbish filing system came to my rescue though. I have only lost all Nans photos, and the most recent ones unless Dell can restore them. I was calm enough because at least my pictures of Leo were safe. Until the laptop did the same thing suddenly refused to load webpages.
My first reaction was of annoyance, I just thought never mind I will back up the stuff on here and restore that one. No big deal. Thats where my biggest problem started. When looking through the My Documents to make sure there was nothing important to back up I found some stuff I wasn't expecting. I thought by the time I got to this point I would be ready to talk, but I don't think I am. Lets just say it was content I sure as hell wasn't expecting to see Mark had. I have a few secrets the only one that knows all the small details of my life is Mark. He's my best friend and I have shared so much with him. I never thought the things which have had the worst impacts on my life would be things he would want to watch for pleasure. Im so confused and messed up right now. I dont really know what to do or where to turn.One of my instincts tells me to grab Lukas and run. Not to stop running until I am far far away from here. Another part drives me crazy telling me that I love him. Im scared now that things I told Mark from my past excited him. I don't know who he is anymore. The person I love (or should that be loved) respected and trusted is not the person I thought he was. I feel sick to the stomach. I have been crying a lot.What if I am pregnant then where do I go from here, even if I am not its still a lot to think about. Mark says he doesn't remember downloading the stuff, doesn't remember watching it. I actually believe him because he has forgotten loads of stuff since he became depressed.He says he will get help, I just don't know if I have the strength to help him fix the problems or even if I want to help him. But just getting some of it off my chest has made me feel so much better. Now I am off to do a pregnancy test maybe that will help clear some things up - knowing my luck it will just complicate things further.
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