Beyond fed up

We have spent almost the whole day trying to remove nits from the household. That Lukas picked up from Joshua. Why does this annoy me let's see:
1. We first noticed Josh had them at Christmas its now August thats 8 months. He will be two in August the length of the neglect by Marks brother and that cretin he calls his wife infuriates me.
2. Lukas only plays with Josh one afternoon a week.
3. It costs £10 for a bottle of stuff to get rid of the horrible little creatures.
4. I had to try and do the impossible of getting a four year old to sit still for over an hour. That was so fun I am bruised all over from elbows and have a rotten headache from his constant screaming.
5. I feel guilty because his poor little head is red even though I tried to be gentle.
6. The whole smells of tea tree and nit lotion and its making me want to be sick.
7. I had to change all the bedding etc thats only been on 2 days
8. I had a fight or three with Mark over it because he doesn't want to say anything to his bloody brother
9. I had more fights with Mark because he won't let me say anything to the stupid waste of space arsehole that is his brother
10. The plan for today was much needed tidying up so now that needs to be done tomorrow on the only day I had nothing planned to do and was going to do some stuff thats important to me like making Marks birthday present which I can't do now.

I want to just sit and cry. Its too much to cope with. I have a list of stuff to do that was already looking overwhelming without adding more stuff and removing a whole day to do it in.Lukas goes back to school on Wednesday and I haven't even been and got his trainers or labelled his clothes yet.

Theres a few other things bothering me today as well. Lukas keeps asking to go and see Leo which breaks my heart. He saw a picture of the hospital on a leaflet and keeps asking why they won't give Leo back. Everything I say to him doesn't seem to sink in. He doesn't understand why we can't just get on a bus and go and see Leo. Marks mums operation is weighing on my mind, as many arguements as we have I actually quite like her. I am worried about how she will be afterwards. Mark doesn't seem to care I feel like I am the only one whose bothered. I want to go and see Nan because I miss her but I can't because of the stupid nits. She's strange like that won't have anyone with them in the house, she has been like that for as long as I can remember. She has always been borderline obsessive compulsive about cleanliness and cleaning her house. So not really a good idea to live with me I give a whole new meaning to the word "messy" lol.

The last thing thats bothering me is a real girl thing, I am late. 12 days late and I am worried.
I don't know if I am pregnant or even at this point if I was whether I would be happy. It would make perfect sense of course that at the worst time possible for us, that I would be because thats sods law. But the whole concept terrifies me. Although a cute little baby is appealing to my ache in my heart and the space in my arms, my head remembers that it will be 7 months at least of hell on earth and maybe the worst case scenario of losing another baby. I don't think I could cope. I hate Leo so damn much for dying and leaving me. I know he didn't chose to but he hurt me more than I ever thought it was possible to hurt. If we hadn't lost him then we wouldn't have had to go through the pain of losing Ambrose this year we would have been using protection. I am a selfish cow I know but I cant help it. I loved him even more than I loved Lukas when he was born because he was my chance to do everything that I screwed up with Lukas right, and then instead of doing more and doing things right I got to do even less. I don't know if I should be keeping my fingers crossed my period doesn't come or if I should be keeping them crossed that it does. I am more confused than I thought possible. I was even considering going and asking the doctor for some more anti depressants because I feel so low, but now I can't because I have to play the waiting game. Patience is not a virtue I am blessed with.