So I could start with an apology

for not blogging for a while, but why bother. I mean honestly no-one reads my blog so it's like apologising to myself, and since I seem to spend my life apologising for one thing or another or taking the crap from other people doing things wrong I figure that I should be able to not apologise to myself. But yet I still have the desire to do it. I still want to apologise for my inability to make time to do the one thing that helps me keep my sanity. I'm angry with myself for not finding the few minutes I day it takes to keep some record of how I have spent my crappy existance on that day. As you can tell I am not in the best mood today. I am sad, I am depressed, I am angry but most of all I am hurting. After having the crappiest Christmas and Birthday that I can ever remember all I want is for this stupid year to finally be over. 2007 has been utterly overwhelming, I feel like I have had my heart ripped into tiny shreds, the irony is this year shouldn't have been as hard as previous ones we have been through worse yet this one feels like it's taken more of a toll on my soul than the others. Maybe I am just tired out from everything in previous years and it's finally all gotten too much. 2007 should have been remembered as being the year I got married, that's supposed to be a good thing. But for me 2007 hasn't been about the positive stuff when I think of my wedding I don't think of it as the happiest day of my life I think of it as the day when life as I know it stopped, it was the day that I stopped being a daughter, I stopped being a grandaughter but I didn't become a wife. Things didn't work the way they were supposed to. I miss my family, I hate that I haven't seen my new baby sister, I can't stand that I wasn't there to help my brother and his partner deal with the one thing I actually understand when they lost their baby as his big sister and someone whose been through it I should have been able to help them. I feel like a failure. But the worst part isn't that I don't have my family, it's that the reason I don't have them is a wedding to a man who didn't even buy me a christmas card, with a father for a guest who doesn't even remember my birthday. I lost my family for two selfish pigs called Mark who I obviously don't matter a bit to. Is it really that difficult to pick up the phone and say happy birthday?, is it really that hard to remember to buy a card? I don't think so, and it makes me feel sad. I could never forget any of my babies birthdays. I could never go out of my way to make another humna being miserable yet they can and do with ease. Maybe my new years resolution should be to not give a damn about anyone or anything and be more like the people I love, maybe if they had a taste of their own medicine they might realise why I spend a lot of my nights of insomnia crying and writing this little blog. But I can't because it's not in my nature. Right now I would quite happily trade anything for just a small amount of the indifference they feel because I would just love to know how it feels to not be heartbroken even if only for a minute, because for them not even mattering enough to warrant a card is no big deal and I am jealous. All this emotion is draining, I am tired out from being disappointed that no-one gives a damn about my feelings and I am tired out from the knowledge I can't stop them from hurting me and I can't stop myself from getting hurt and the only option I seem to have open to me is to carry on doing the same shit over and over again year after year. What a depressing thought *sigh* maybe I will feel more positive in about 21 hours when 2007 is finally over and we can start off on a new page called 2008.

I know that I am batty

but I think that the bat part must be a fruit bat lol. It's not even 1 o'clock yet and I have already had kiwi fruit, orange juice, and oranges. I love fruit and vegetables so I don't have to really try to eat them but when there is two bowls within reaching distance it's hard to resist eating them lol. Now I just have to find a way to make the fruit bowls as appealing to Mark as the junk food box is because let's face it I will never be able to make him love fruit. I always remember us having loads of fruit at Christmas time my mum never seemed to buy it any other time but Nan made her at Christmas, Nan never has a empty fruit bowl and it's one of the reasons I love being here so much. I'm slowly finding that my Christmas Spirit is tied to the familiar things about the season as well as being mixed up with the new stuff I am trying to make it special. I'm still struggling with the whole being festive concept, it's not made any easier by being so ill. I am tired out and the constant coughing isn't helping at all. I have to wrap all Lukas's presents today and I have a couple of things to finish off making so it's going to be a busy day. I could really do with a couple of hours more sleep lol. But that is just not going to happen so it's about making the best of it. Trying to be happy and hoping that it will all work out ok.

Just got back from Lukas's school play

The teacher said at the end that she could see some of the parents wiping tears away and wasn't that sweet, I was wiping tears of laughter away do you think that counts?
Lets start with the line that made me giggle, although to my credit I did manage not to laugh out loud.
Little kid: "Sparkle was the brightest star in all the sky"
Lukas "No it isn't my Leo is"
Yep entirely my fault that one when I explained about Leo going to heaven I told him that Leo was a star in the sky. Having no clue which star was which or how I could point out just one that he would always be able to see, I told him Leo is always the star which looks the brightest to you, he's watching from up above and he shines brightest for you because he wants you to know that he is there.

He followed this up with a tiny row with the teacher sat next to him because she confiscated his star he was wearing. He kept taking it off because he wanted to chew the string on it and she didn't want him to do that so she took the star away and he wanted it back.

The funniest part for me was when he saw me afterwards trying to get at least one photo that wasn't pants and he told the little girl stood right in fron of him "will you move, my mum's trying to take pictures" lol. That's my boy alright. He was a lot better this year than last year he joined in some of the songs (not that I even knew he was going to be singing, I never know anything he's done at school. It's my job to be a proud mummy even if I am only proud that he didn't cause a major scene, that he never tried to get up and wonder off or that he didn't cry to come home when he saw me. You've come a long way baby, and I am one very proud mummy. It's just a shame that the pictures aren't any good. I can't see a way to make them salvageable. Oh well there's always next year lol.

This just doesn't seem to be our Christmas does it

Mark got a phone call earlier from David, his mum has been rushed into hospital. The only details we know are that Mark's dad had to call an ambulance (they live a few minutes from the hospital so it must have been bad) and she was severly dehydrated. Mark is being his usual self, doesn't seem very bothered but I do think he's hurt the only person his Dad bothered to phone was his sister Julie. Julie phoned David and then David called Mark. Nan's been back to the hospital today they wanted to admit her but agreed that she could do what they wanted to do at home, she has more prescriptions from them including a painkiller gel for her leg. I also happen to think that Christmas should be renamed the season of hypocrites, this morning I received a Christmas card in the post. It was addressed to Mr and Mrs C Blake. I thought that was pretty odd since only people who actually came to our wedding were aware that Mark took my name. I opened it to find a card from my Grandma (on my dad's side). She was invited to the wedding, and chose not to come even though my dad offered to bring her, the wedding card she sent only had my name on it same as the christmas card I received last year only had my name on it, which I found pretty insulting since she knew I was getting married to Mark and we have been a couple for 6 years but I never said anything. I sent her a thank you card and some wedding cake after my wedding, I know she had to have got it because I sent it recorded delivery so she had to sign for it, if she wasn't in it would have been returned to me because it was perishable, she never even let me know she had received it. But anyway I am getting away from the point which is that she hasn't bothered with me all year. When I opened the card I was even more annoyed, it was addressed to Crystal and David, yes I did say David. My husband is called Mark not difficult to remember since it's also my Dad's name is it. There was a card for Lukas (cheap, nasty and winnie the pooh) and a cheque for £30. No note or anything. I don't want her bloody money. I would have been a lot happier with a phone call occasionally. Or heck even for her to answer my phone calls or letters, but she doesn't because she's always been friendly with my mum. She chooses my mum over her own kids and I have no clue why. I haven't heard anything from my Dad since I rung him and reminded him that he had forgotten his grandson's birthday and he sent him a card and with cash in it. That was August. What is it with my family they think that they can throw money at people a couple of times a year and that's enough. But it's not just her and my dad, why is it everyone can go the whol year without acknowledging my existance and then send me a cheque/cash because it's christmas? Every year I am naive enough to believe that this year has to be better than the last one, and every year something happens and I am proved wrong. If we didn't have Lukas I might well do a Madonna and abandon the whole idea of Christmas.

Been a really crappy day!

Nan had yet another doctor's appointment today, her leg is still no better and the doctor made the decision that she needed to be admitted to hospital for treatment. The doctor called the hospital and amazed Nan by saying that she was sending a patient up to them, explained the issues with Nan's leg and then casually remarked that she also had double pneumonia but they thought that was under control with the antibiotics she was already on. I meant to post the other day but I forgot on Nan's last trip to the doctors (wednesday if your wondering), they told her that she had pleurisy. The chest infection has been an ongoing thing for weeks yet even after I think 4 sets of x-rays no-one thought to tell her what the problem was. Much to her annoyance she packed her suitcase and got Lisa to take her up there. Mark had to go to work so I was left alone to explain to Lukas where Nan was. I didn't even think before I said she was in hospital,he burst into tears. I gave him a cuddle and asked why he was crying, he told me that "when people go to hospital they die like my Leo". My heart nearly broke hearing him say that he's 5 years old and he's got the idea in his head that everyone who goes into hospital doesn't come back. Now I am suddenly understanding his reluctance to go to sleep when Mark is at work - he thinks Mark's going to die and not come back. When I told him that Nan was in the hospital where Daddy worked his sobs eased off a bit. He managed to get out "that's better, daddy's hospital is good, daddy comes home" before he went upstairs to be on his own. I just don't know what to do when he comes out with things like this. He's my son through and through when something bothers him he retreats inside himself. He doesn't want to be talked to or hugged he just wants to be alone. He's also a lot stronger physically than I am and when he doesn't want to be hugged there's nothing I can do to change his mind. We were both shocked a couple of hours later when we heard the front door, wondering who the heck it was we wondered downstairs to see and saw Nan. Apparently the hospital was absolutely filthy and after taking some bloods, writing up a few prescriptions (to be collected tomorrow I think) they decided that the best course of treatment was to send her home and for her to go daily to the clinic for some treatment. Am I the only one who thinks this is absolutely crazy? They didn't give her any painkillers or anything, dumbasses told her to take asprin she's always been told previously that she can't take asprin, I think because it reacts badly with one of her other medications but I can't remember exactly. What they did do was cover her leg in vaseline, don't ask me why I haven't a clue, Nan said something about her skin being dry but who am I to try and understand the mystery that is modern medicine. Good job I didn't go to the hospital with her, I might have been inclined to point out that she was there for a severe infection in the vein, a possible thrombosis and that the dry skin was the least of her worries. I honestly can't believe how shitty she has been treated the 1st doctor she saw when this started talked to her like she was senile or something. Everyone seems to be of the opinion that because she's old it doesn't matter if they do nothing since she isn't going to live much longer anyway. It drives me insane. I refuse to go to the doctors with her anymore because I always feel inclined to punch the doctor for talking down to her like she's a toddler and slapping her for letting them get away with it. She's not exactly a shy retiring old dear, I honestly don't understand why in the prescence of a doctor she lets them treat her like crap and dismiss her without a second thought. *sigh* I could rant for hours about dumb doctors.Today I have a list of stuff a mile long to get done and I haven't been to bed because I am hurting bad. Sounds like it's going to be a productive day all around doesn't it between worrying about Nan, feeling crappy and trying not to bang Lukas and Mark's heads together when they start the inevitable weekend task of bickering with each other constantly about anything and everything.

Stupid Stupid Stupid

Only an idiot would manage to do what I just did. I saved over the top of one of my layouts because I opened the wrong template. I am so frustrated with myself for being such a damn idiot. The layout caused me lots of headaches because I kept making silly mistakes I think the part that annoyed me the most is the one I saved over was one I was intending to print for Lukas, so I need to remake it. *Sigh* just another thing that I need to add to my to do list.

Do you ever get that

how the hell did that happen feeling? Earlier today I realised that it's less than 3 weeks until my 23rd birthday. I really don't understand where this year has gone to. But then I guess that applies to everything was it really 2 years ago that I turned 21? or 5 years ago that Lukas came to my 18th Birthday party? I seem to think quite often i've got ages before.............. and then all of a sudden it's the day before and nothing is done, then I am running around like a headless chicken trying to get organized. That's how I end up making pillowboxes for Lukas's class the night before they needed to go to school. That's why it's the 11th December and I still haven't even wrote out a Christmas Card, I haven't bought a single gift and basically I am starting to feel a little overwhelmed by all the stuff I am being pressured to get done by Nan. Every sentance seems to end with "it's got to be done before christmas". I quite often just feel like saying Why? I am tired out, I feel really ill and I am utterly fed up and miserable. I can't wait for it all to be over. Roll on the new year so I can try and get back to something resembling normal.

Giving the gift that keeps on giving - Chickens

Yes I know with every post I make lately you get more and more convinced that I have lost my mind completely. But with a bit of explanation today's will make sense I promise. To help you understand a bit better you need a bit of background on Lukas's school. Lukas goes to Pegasus school and they have a program (that I don't completely understand) with another school in Africa. Over the school holidays some of the teachers went over there to help out. Through the year every fundraising event the school does they donate a proportion of the money to this other school. Tonight we went to Lukas's Christmas Fete along with all the usual sales and games we found some really interesting things like a Santa's Grotto (£1.50 and Lukas got a little present), The nativity petting zoo (£0.50 each to see donkeys, sheep etc) and then we stumbled across a table covered in cards. On closer inspection we saw that these cards were a gift for christmas to give to someone else.
The card reads:I've given you some chickens for Christmas, but you don't have to look after them! They've been given to Nakanyonyi Primary School, near Jinja in Uganda. The Chickens' eggs will feed orphans and some will be sold to buy pencils and exercise books for the school. So............ your present is bringing happiness to lots of children in Uganda and, I hope, to you too! Happy Christmas. Your voucher is on the back of the card.
The voucher says: £1.00 voucher, the money raised from the sale of this voucher will be used solely for the purpose of purchasing chickens for Nakanyonyi Primary School.
They had three different "vouchers" for sale £1.00 bought 5 chickens, £10.00 bought 100 chickens and I think the other one was £25 bought 1000 chickens but I could be slightly wrong on the last one. We bought 5 chickens and no I don't intend to gift them to someone, I just felt like doing some charitable and cute Lukas's school got £1, the other school got 5 chickens and me well I got the satisfaction of knowing we had done something nice for someone else and something new to scrap about lol.

Sometimes it's about taking one for the team

it's about finding that one thing that you have to offer that can make someone else's day, it's about finding those sacrifices that you are willing to make. It can be something as simple as not moaning about the incessant sport just to keep the peace for a little while or something as hard as making a decision that you don't completely agree with just because there are bigger things you need to argue about. I told you yesterday that I feel like I am fighting a war in my head, fighting myself well sometimes in order to win you have to concede a few defeats. Today I think I may have lost some ground with myself but in doing so I think I have levelled the playing field for tomorrow. But I guess there's no way to know for sure except to wait and see. *sigh* sometimes I wish life came with a road map so at least I knew where I was trying to go but i'd settle for an instruction manual.

Confused and miserable

There are so many things going on in my head, I feel utterly miserable and like I am at war with myself, being pulled in so many directions that one day I will just be torn to shreds. I wish there was some way to just make peace with myself but I can't see one. When you throw in the directions that everyone else is pulling me in I wonder how I am still in one piece.Before anyone goes searching through my blog to see what I am talking about, don't bother up until now I have done all the fighting inside my head. I have argued with myself over all of it but now I have reached breaking point and I need an outlet. When I reached my breaking point of sadness when Leo died I turned to scrapbooking. I needed a release, I needed to preserve his memory, I needed to create something. Now what I need is a different release I need somewhere to offload some of the things onto to, I need to be able to make space in my head, I need to see the problems clearer so I can try and find a way to fix them without losing myself along the way, I need to find a way to recover all of myself that I have already lost but most of all I just need somewhere to vent and that's why I have a blog. It may not seem like much but this little old blog has helped me a great many times. It has saved my sanity, and been my reference point when I have felt lost. It's helped me remember things that would have otherwise been lost. Words are my saviour but today they seem to have deserted me. I can't find the words and without the words I can't find the inner peace I am so desperate to find.

Hi ho hi ho it's off to shop we go

first up we went to Cowley Centre and picked up a few bits, then into Oxford City Centre and bought Lukas some new clothes and then onto Milton Keynes. It's the best day we have had in a long time,took Lukas to see two different Santa's, we took loads of photos including Lukas with Santa and Lukas with some guys dressed up as Dumbledore and Harry Potter, Lukas rode the carousel twice and we came home tired but content. The little guy came home with new clothes, new dvd's, new books, a watergun and a magic set from his visits to see Santa, a new teddy bear, a cuddly toy reindeer. I can't really remember what else I bought, I know that we have a framed photo of him on Santa's lap, a fidge magnet and a keyring. We ordered a newspaper front cover from them as well that has to be posted though and we even have a really nice photo of all of us with Santa that the lovely elf took with my camera. Lukas was completely wiped out and slept the whole way home and then crashed completely a little while after we got home. I am tired but I can't seem to sleep. We got completely soaked to the skin when the rain started and we tried out some items from the new Macdonalds seasonal menu which was so yummy we ended up ordering the same again when we got back to Oxford lol. I am rambling a bit I know but I am happy and that's what I do when I am happy the words trip over each other in eagerness to escape. I can't remember the last time we spent a day as a family and had a really nice time.We so needed this after the week we have had. I can't wait to scrap the photos we took, and I am excited I want to get everything down so I don't forget what a great day we had but my brain doesn't want to work right tonight because I am so tired. Hopefully this will jog my memory enough to journal about the day properly tomorrow lol.

Maybe there's a chance to put that Merry back into Christmas

Hey if I can cut my hand trying to remove a dead bulb from one of the Christmas Story books, knock a shelf off onto my foot while trying to remove the back of the cabinet so I could thread the wires behind it so that the kids couldn't accidently pull them off, have an allergic reaction to the Christmas tree, whack my hand with a hammer trying to put up a nail for the card holder, get a splinter while going out to the shed to look for the lost extension leads and do all this while being ill myself, Nan being ill and Lukas being ill then still get a content feeling from watching the Polar Express DVD with Lukas I guess that maybe there is hope for Christmas yet.

*sigh*

Yesterday was a strange old day, we were sad and miserable as to be expected. But we also put up the Christmas Tree, and started decorating the house. It felt so wrong to me to do it but we have always had all of our decorations up by the 1st December usually it's so they are up for my mum's birthday on the 4th. I can't get into any kind of christmas spirit. Nan is really poorly, when I was younger she had a serious problem with one of her legs and had to be admitted to hospital. It's much worse than she had it before but when she went to the doctors they just gave her a week's worth of antibiotics and sent her home. When she had it before they took her straight into hospital for some IV antibiotics. I am worried about her, she can hardly stand on her leg and it's swollen to about 2/3 times the usual size and it's very red and angry looking. Lukas is more ill than I have ever seen him before he can't stop coughing can hardly speak because his throat is so sore and has a constantly running nose. He gets a lot of coughs and colds but not usually like this he gets a nasty barking cough and that's it or he gets a runny nose never both at the same time. He's currently watching Cartoon network because he's too sick to sleep bless him. I have been asleep most of the day because I am wiped out from all the emotion of yesterday and I am in a lot of pain. I still have my stupid period and it's really heavy this time. I just feel utterly miserable with life and tomorrow I have to try and decorate the Christmas Tree, it takes almost the whole day pulling the branches out on it, adding the lights and then when that's done it's time to start the task of putting up all the other lights around the house. It's supposed to be a fun family activity but I just can't get motivated to be happy about it, truthfully it just seems like a waste of time and effort we aren't enjoying any of it because we feel ill but I guess the hope is once it's done seeing it will make us happier. I just wish I knew how to find some of that holiday spirit I used to have, I used to really love Christmas now I swing between being completely indifferent about it to despising it for all it's falseness and work it brings with it. There's not anything to look forward to with Christmas this year, there won't be any getting together with family since my mum still isn't talking to me , my dad can't even manage to pick up a phone and call me or write a letter, heck I would be thrilled with an email even and don't even get me started on Mark's family. There won't be any party on Boxing Day this year, so no getting dressed up and having fun to look forward to. We don't drink much so it's not like we could even look forward to doing that and being silly and to be completely honest even Lukas doesn't seem to be all that bothered this year. *sigh* if anyone has an spare Christmas Spirit they could lend me I really would appreciate it, catch you tomorrow after the tree is decorated. Maybe I will even bother to take photos of it to show you.

We played this at his funeral

and today it seems fitting to attempt to share a video I found on youtube

Today's post is a letter to my little angel

and before anyone emails me and thinks I have lost the plot. I know perfectly well that my little guy isn't alive, I haven't gone cuckoo but I figure if there is a god of some description watching my sweet angel boy in heaven they have the power to watch over the world, then heck they have the power to get the message however it happens to be conveyed some people pray I blog what can I say it's a lot cheaper than going to a medium lol.

It's three years ago tomorrow, well technically today since it's 2:39am that you went away and do you know what it still hurts me more than I can bear. Lukas is staying home from school so we can do something to remember you by, something more productive than sitting at home crying. I could cry from now until eternity but it won't change anything will it. Those tears will only make my heart raw from pain, my chest heave with sobs and my mind ache from the outpouring of emotion that if I start I will never be able to stop. Tomorrow we are going somewhere that is outside of these 4 walls, and believe me when I say we will be trying all day not to think of you. Does that sound cruel? I didn't mean it to, you are always in our hearts and on our minds not a day goes by where our deepest wish is not to have you here, but tomorrow is just one of those days that hurts that bit more. Just like your birthday does, and christmas does but tomorrow hurts most because tomorrow is not a day that would have been if you were here like the others we don't wonder what would you be doing now if you hadn't died like we do on the others because tomorrow is the one day that makes all the others unbearable, if tomorrow hadn't happened everything else would have. Everything except the tears, the hurt, the unimaginable soul destroying sorrow they wouldn't have happened if it hadn't been for tomorrow. I hate that tomorrow the pictures I see of you in my mind aren't the ones that I scrap, they aren't the ones we display for everyone to be reminded that you must never be forgotten, they are the images of your swollen body a reaction to the drugs they pumped into you in a pointless effort to make you better. The images of you poor red face, raw from the tape you were allergic to. The images of my beautiful baby boy who had changed into something I didn't recognise something that had tubes and wires everywhere. I would happily sacrifice anything to be able to remove those images from my mind to only see your soft brown fluffy hair and your gorgeous eyes open and looking at me, to see your beautiful delicate skin and your tiny little hands unmarked, to see you as my Leo. Lukas misses you so much, he cries all the time for you and it breaks my heart over and over again to see how much he is hurting. I hate tomorrow, because it makes me resent you, it makes me almost hate you for hurting us all so much. I feel so helpless tomorrow because I know that it's going to come next year, and the year after and it's never going to go away. Every year it will bring back all the bad feelings, the hurt and it's so hard to bear. I hope you understand why it hurts so much, why I hate it so much. I'll be ok afterwards it's easier to cope, it hurts just as much but it's not so overwhelming. I love you so much Leo and I hate that tomorrow makes my love for you hide beneath all the horrible emotions, I hate that tomorrow is the only day of the year I love you less because I can't remember how to just love you tomorrow. I only know how to hate what tomorrow is and hate what it does to me, I only know how to hurt tomorrow, and there's not a thing in the world that can kill that pain. I'm going to bed now little guy, I have a hard day tomorrow and let's face it I am not exactly the strongest person on a normal day, I need everything I am and then some for tomorrow. I love you with all my heart and soul little guy even if it doesn't sound like that right now. Please forgive me for anything I say in anger or pain tomorrow after all I am nothing but a mummy who is in pain xxx

The advent calendar for Artist's lol

So I was reading my google reader today and I spotted a very cool post by Hilmarose, she posted about a countdown to Christmas found here each day there will be a free download posted. I think this sounds very cool but since I really like advent calenders I am sure I will still find a way to add chocolate advent calenders to the trolley in tesco's for me and Lukas lol.

What happened to Sympathy?

I had another accident today, I slipped while getting out of the bath and really hurt myself. I went into our bedroom to lick my wounds (no not literally lol) Mark went to have his bath. I just got a right mouthful from Nan because apparently there was "puddles of water everywhere" in the bathroom, now tell me wouldn't you have assumed that any water that spilt from the bath when I fell would have been cleaned up by DH either before he got in the bath or after he got out? I so don't get how I deserved the crap I got from her for hurting myself, but then like I have said before everything seems to be my fault. Mark loses the remote and I am expected to know where it is, Nan has a problem and I am supposed to know how to fix it. A great example of that was her prescription, she comes in to me and says I have no tablets left she takes them every night I even do them all in her little medical box thing when I remember yet I am the one who is supposed to know that she needs more tablets. Her prescription needs to be put in at least 48 hours before collection (they prefer 72 hours), when we go back and pick up her prescription we have to take it to the chemist to collect it and they almost always have to give her the pathetic stock of them they have and order in the rest. Yes you would assume that since we use the same chemist every month they would order them in advance but what can I say the place is run by men there isn't an ounce of logic in the building lol. She usually tells me about her prescription either on a Friday so it can't even be put in until the Monday and obviously she's only got enough left to only just last or not last at all, or she tells me just after the surgery has closed for the day. Don't forget we are the only ones without a car to get around with because neither of us can drive yet we are the ones responsible for almost all her running around. I had a row with Mark because on Wednesday (Leo's Anniversary) Mark booked the day off to spend with me because we always try and do something special and now informs me he will be out all day because Nan needs bills paying at all different banks, she needs a prescription picking up and numerous other errands running that obviously she couldn't ask her precious Lisa to do in the car! But I do it all, I don't moan about it (well at least not to her) and I have even started solving the medications problem by removing one card of tablets from each box and putting them somewhere else, she then thinks she's run out and I have ample time to actually get Mark to put her presciption in, collect it and for the chemist order it ready to be collected. When she orders stuff off the shopping channel at stupid o'clock I am the fool who sits up for her to take the payment calls, and all I ever seem to get from her is crap so would someone please tell me why I even bother trying?

Did you miss me?

I bet you didn't lol. Wondering what I have been up to? Nope didn't think so but I am going to tell you anyway lol. Well I took a trip (I mean the kind only I can do where I end up on my bum lol) sprained my wrist and my and my ankle and got a lovely big gash across the bottom of my foot. I have had to reinstall my computer from scratch again and I picked up a few things in the Black Friday Sales. We don't celebrate Thanksgiving or Black Friday in the UK but who am I to not take advantage of some of the truly amazing Sales going on lol.

I finally caved and bought Traci Reed's Lightroom Presets, at a very cool 40% now I am wondering how I managed without them lol.
Pop Starrs Lightroom Preset Bundle
Dream Team Lightroom Presets Bundle

I picked up some new Tracy Blankenship templates at ScrapDish
Templates with Attitude 6x6 xmas albums sets 1 and 2

I went to ScrapArtist and picked up some Two Sisters Designs Stuff
La vie en paint Collection
Blessed: The Kit
FALLing into Art: The Kit
Beauty Marks Vol. 4
Beauty Marks Vol. 5
Beauty Marks Vol. 6
Beauty Marks Vol. 7
Beauty Marks Vol. 8
Sponge Strokes
Addy's Party Flowers
Journal Me Plenty
Live Free
W is for Watercolor: Bits and Pieces
Stitched Grids
Our Closet: The Basics-Collection 1
I already had the first 3 Beauty Marks Sets so I just got the missing ones, even though the complete collection is an absolute steal! They are retiring some items at 50% off this weekend is a 30% off sale at ScrapArtist so you get 50% off and then a further 30% off but all the retiring products will be gone on Monday!

I went to OScraps and picked up some Sue Cumming's wordart, and got a free gift for spending over $5.00
These two are part of Scrap Apple Subscription I have so they were free lol
"Scrap" Apple Inspirations *Special Edition {Christmas}
"Scrap" Apple Inspirations {Week 13}

From My Chalkboard {Christmas ABC's}
From My Sketchbook {Father}
From My Notebook - Mothers Day {Mum}
From My Notebook - Mothers Day
Special Offer {November 2007}

I also got a template and Grab Bag by Melanie Colosimo, the grab bag was free with any purchase.
Drip Drop - 2 Page Template
Black Friday Grab Bag

Next up Christina Renee Designs newest goodies, If you remember I won a coupon good for 100% off anything in her store that lasted for 3 months and is still valid so these were free as well lol
Miniatures
Ultimate Art Collection
Spunky Flower Garden
ScruffyBet

and I finished up with a few items from the Lily Pad
Some Layered templates by Lauren Barden
Scrap Pad - Big and Bold
and some new Kate Hadfield goodies
Jacque and Kate's Make Your Own Snowman
Jacque and Kate's Make Your Own Christmas Tree
Doodled Black Alpha
Doodled Paper Folds.

The only thing I wanted that I didn't pick up was a few items at Scrapbook Graphics because of some issues with processing my card Mark's going to buy them for me on Monday lol.

Right now that I have hopefully given you some ideas how to spend your cash lol, I have to run I have loads to do today and it's already 5pm!

It's turning out to be one of those weeks

you know the kind that make you frequently question why you bother getting up in the morning. The ones that make you wonder if you dropped dead tomorrow would anyone really give a damn, or in fairness just another normal week in my life!
Monday - Wasn't too bad, Mark moved all the furniture in our room and we bought the new Harry Potter film which is rubbish compared to the book!
Tuesday - Mark had to work, I was really ill and woke up to Nan bitching at me, the day didn't get any better and after having to stand in the rain waiting to pick up Conor because Lisa couldn't be bothered to get Ella out of the car, the day ended with a blazing row with Nan. If that wasn't bad enough Lukas threw up everywhere as well.
Wednesday - Lukas stayed off school because he is full of cold and feeling poorly, Nan is refusing to even speak to me because she's sulking over the row. She's of the opinion that everything I said is lies and I think she's a nagging old bat who is full of crap!
Which brings us to today, Lukas got scared by the bloody cat coming into our garden and screeching again (I think it was trying to get my hedgehog out from under the shed again!) and ended up sleeping across the bottom of my bed, so I am tired and stiff today from trying not to hurt him in the night, I am still feeling more sick than normal, Lukas is still off school, Nan is still being hostile but at least she's answering me today and Mark well he's at work until 7pm still not listening to me, or doing anything I ask. I am just about to try and make a dent in my huge to do list if I can drown out the noise of Cartoon Network talking to itself in the background, Lukas coughing and whinging and ignore the burning desire to go back to bed!

In the words of kermit - It's not easy being green

with envy that is. Christopher and Amy bought Ruby over today, she's a month old now and that was the 1st time we had seen her. She's utterly adorable and wouldn't you know it my camera batteries were flat! I didn't want to give her back and neither did Lukas. I got the sweetest smile from her, she's got tonnes of hair just like Leo used to have it's the same sort of colour as well, it was so strange except for the pink babygro I could have sworn for a second it was the same baby. She holds herself up so alert and knowing just like he used to, eyes wide open scared to close them for a second incase she misses something. The bit that almost made me cry though was as I put her to my shoulder she reached out her hand and touched my face. When she did it I kind of felt like I had just had a really huge electric shock Leo always did that and as she put her hand down I felt at peace with the world, it's the first time since Leo died that I have ever felt like that even if it was just for a short while. I think it was the realisation that life goes on. Amy and Christopher lost a baby just before Ruby they called her Evie I wonder if Ruby is ever going to know that they hold her so much closer because there will always be the ever present fear that they will lose her. She is loved more than she will ever be able to imagine.

Just call me the tooth fairy

I really hate school trips, let me rephrase that I really hate school trips where I can't go and take pictures lol. Today I hate them more than normal. Not only did my little guy go on a school trip today that I have no pictures of he lost his 1st tooth while he was there. The trip was to see birds at a nature reserve thing he says he had a great time but was really sad that he lost his tooth. I'm really sad that I wasn't there with him and that I don't have it here to scrap lol. But I did what I do best. Me and Nan pretended to call the tooth fairy and ask her to please leave Lukas a gift for being a brave boy. While she did that I made him a letter from the tooth fairy explaining that all lost teeth go straight to her magic castle and various other stuff to make him feel better. With some gliter, rubon's and a little effort later he has a very cool letter from the tooth fairy complete with £5 note (hey it's his first I made it perfectly clear that paper money is only for the 1st tooth lol) and a £2 coin in a little jewellery box because that was the closest I get to "gold coin" from the tooth fairy. He's worth every penny. I have been reading a lot of things lately saying that the Tooth Fairy, Father Christmas etc is a form of lying to kids, and honestly I don't believe that's true. I want him to believe that there is more to the world than what you can see, I want him to believe in the possibility that special things happen to everyone. I don't lie to him about anything he asked me where babies come from and I told him, he asked me why grass was green and I told him he didn't understand hardly any of the explanation but the point is I didn't lie to him and he knows he can always trust me to tell him the truth about everything. But things aren't that clear cut, to me the tooth fairy story is always like that sunshine after the rain thing your tooth came out it hurts but there's someone there who will make it better even if the only way "she" makes it better is to pay you for what you have lost. It doesn't matter that there is no real fairy it's the message behind it.Eventually he will get that i'm the tooth fairy, the easter bunny, father christmas etc and that's fine because a mummy takes on whatever role is the most helpful. I switch between being the one to scold him when he's naughty to the one who kisses him better when he's hurt, so what's a few more roles for me to play. If it means that he believes there's always someone watching out for him that makes it fine with me. He's been talking about Leo again today, he's thinking a lot about him and so am I hate November I feel like the whole month is just leading up to Leo's anniversary and what's worse is I feel like November is the calm before the really stormy time - Christmas. There will never be a Christmas is my lifetime and probably not in Lukas's that isn't clouded by Leo's glaring abscence. It seems worse than any other time because we are so aware that we are only wrapping one set of Christmas presents, we are writing cards out and one name is missing. I hear about christmas miracles everywhere and Christmas wishes and ours is just for one more time to hold him, one more time to touch his skin, one more time to see him as he was before the hospital, just one more moment with him and that wish is never going to come true. I'm truly haunted by the last time I saw him when I held his cold lifeless body in that room, I remember the horrible smell and the way it felt when my fingers slipped inside him because of the careless way that they had stitched his little body back up after the numerous post mortems. I remember all that as clear as day but the only way I can remember what he looked like is to look at the few photos I have of him. More than anything I wish that his image was burnt onto my brain as firmly as the hurt is burnt into my heart.

Why am I the only one whose cold?

I'm sat here with a duvet wrapped around me, a cardigan on and I am still cold while everyone else is telling me I am crazy. Nan even has the back door wide open downstairs!
Do you want to hazard a guess why, yep that's right I am sick again. I was up nearly all night with my stomach hurting again and when I finally got up (about an hour ago) I feel like crap. It's been raining so I am hurting everywhere had to resort to bandaging my right hand up so I can use it because it's so stiff and swollen. The left one is only slightly better but I have lost the other bandage so I am managing with it. I have a slight cough, my eyes are sore and I could quite happily go back to my bed and go back to sleep.

Want to know how I spent my day?

I have been working on my computer, (read I have been busy downloading more digi stash lol) while Mark has been sulking because Sky were doing some maintenance on their end meaning he had no TV. He was so bored he actually did some tidying up he found some carpet! Lukas is currently out with Nan, Lisa, Conor and Ella they have gone to Macdonalds for a treat. So today life is fairly good, except for the pain. I hurt a lot but i'm still happyish amazing what a difference a day makes isn't it.

*Sigh* just another day in the madhouse.

More shouting, more rowing you know just another day in the private hell I call my home!
I would give anything to be able to go to sleep one night, get up the next morning and go for a whole day with no raised voices, accusations or ranting from anyone. I would rather have that than anything else I can think of, even being free from pain. I am so depressed with everything at the moment I just feel like sitting down and crying for hours on end because I am so fed up!

Just shut up for a while!

That's what I have felt like saying all day long to Mark, Nan and Lukas. They are driving me completely mad. Yesterday I was so ill Mark had to stay home from work because I was not capable of looking after Lukas (he'd been up all night because something woke him and he couldn't get back to sleep guess which idiot sat up with him, this kid needs his sleep if he doesn't get it he makes everyone's life a misery) so you have one very sick mummy, one extremely whingy Lukas, one grumpy daddy because he has to look after Lukas and one Nan in a crappy mood because Mark was home from work all day and did nothing. Mark's idea of "looking after" Lukas involves a playstation 2, a dvd player, the disney channels and the making of a sandwich or two. So I kind of had a feeling that today wasn't going to be a good day. We were woken up by Nan calling the mobile to inform us that Gary was going to the rubbish tip and stuff that needed to be thrown away from the shed needed to be got ready, did I mention the call came about 15 minutes before Gary turned up? So she saw that Mark hadn't sorted much out and threw a complete mental there was screaming, shouting and accusations flying left right and centre and when I stumbled down the stairs still half asleep I got the full force of it all. Just like I always do when she's pissed off, even though it has nothing whatsoever to do with me. So then I get Mark bitching about how Nan was going and her bitching about him not doing it and on and on and on. I have sort of reached the point where when they are shouting I know that the only course of action is to stand back and try and ignore them. Trying to help when they are both ranting just gets me screamed at more. Eventually they run out of steam but not today. Nan comes up screaming and crying about the tumble drier, we got a new one incase you are wondering and the old one was put in the shed as a spare. I finally worked out that she was upset because Mark had put something on top of it. When I asked him I got shouted at again because apparently the only thing on it was a box with the drier hose in it on the top and since they need to be kept together he didn't understand what the issue was. The day never got any better, every time I tried to ask Nan if she needed any help with anything, or if there was anything she wanted me to do I got the "I'm so ill, I can't stand up" speech. When I tried to point out that I was offering to do stuff so she wouldn't have to I got shouted at that it was already done. She's a bloody Martyr I swear she does the stuff just so she can moan about doing it! Mark is in a foul mood, Lukas is whinging. Photoshop Elements decided not to work when I was trying to do this weeks tutorial for Kirsty and I have just reached my breaking point today. I just want everyone to shut up and leave me alone for a little while. I'm not feeling well and I just can't cope with everyone's hysteria and blowing everything out of all proportion today. *sigh* some days I just wonder why I bothered to crawl out of bed. I have to make a doctors appointment for this week while Mark is on holiday (he has a week off) because I can't carry on feeling this crappy it makes it impossible to deal with all of the everyday issues. Tomorrow I promise I will make a post that's not so depressing, I know I will talk about Digital Scrapbook Day yesterday and how I made out like a bandit and was in freebie heaven lol. But tonight I am tired and hurting and I need to go to bed, right after I go and threaten my little angel with a one week ban from his playstation if his little butt gets out of that bed again tonight!

Pillowbox pictures and loose teeth

I did mean to post these pictures the other night but I had the camera batteries on charge and I couldn't be bothered to go and get them lol. So here you go Card, Front, Back.

If you want them you can grab them here.

Now I have something else to talk about, my little guy had an accident at school, I don't know exactly what happened he has a bruise on his cheek and one of his teeth is so wobbly I am worried he will swallow it. I'm sad that he's going to lose his first tooth already, I will just have to keep a really close eye on it. *sigh* it's just never ending he's always getting hurt at school I know there's nothing I can do about it but that's never going to stop me wishing that there was. I hate seeing him hurt it makes me feel so helpless.

Happy Halloween

So I know it's not technically Halloween here anymore but since my days run from when I crawl out of my bed until when I fall back in it's still Halloween to me. I got the bright idea to make Halloween Gifts for Lukas's class, I cheated a little and went for premade this year the Smell My Feet Treats Set by Shabby Princess. Last night we sat and printed 30 Halloween Pillowboxes.
But since it was a craft project we hit the inevitable problems we always encounter and I know you are just dying to know what they were lol.
1. The main printer had still not been filled and had no red ink.
2. Mark overfilled the cartridge
3. After cleaning up the mess and placing cartride back in printer no red ink is coming out
4. Resorting to backup annoying printer means longer waits for paper to print.
5. It made the wait longer by running out of blue ink completely.
6. Refill the blue ink cartridge and then mess around trying to make it print as straight as possible since it always prints off centre but with many adjustments the difference is hardly noticeable if you are trimming off excess paper, completely useless if you are going for a full page though which luckily we weren't lol.
7. Find 3 staplers, only staples for 2 of them
8. One of staplers decides to mangle all staples put into it leaving on;y the stiffest one we own.
9. Lose glue stick and luckily manage to borrow one from Nan
10. Try to assemble boxes at 2am when we are both tired and Mark hasn't quite scored them in the right place.
It was lots of fun lol. I made little cards as well they were supposed to fit in the boxes but were slightly too big but after much printing,cutting, gluing, stapling,assembling and stuffing we had a very cute completed project ready for school and here's the important part - THEY WERE ON TIME lol. Lukas took them to school and apparently the kids were thrilled and so were his teachers (they got the same thing different filling). Mark said all the kids were coming out of school this afternoon talking about them, I say that's job well done I love making people happy. Lukas's Buzz Lightyear suit came this evening, he loves it. He said he didn't want to go trick or treating but then changed his mind when Mark went out to the shop, so I took him on my own just around our street. He didn't even do the full street before he decided he was fed up and wanted to go home. He's not really into sweets and chocolate so he was more than content with the little bag he got. Everyone told him to take what he wanted and everytime despite them urging him to take more he only took one. It was very sweet. He loved seeing the kids coming to the door. Nan had a great time handing out sweets and talking to all the little kids, she exhuatsed her sweet supply and used up some of mine. I spent the evening making another 10 pillowboxes for friends and family, there was no way I could have done them last night and they will just think they have been here waiting for them. I'm a little sad that my guest spots with DeDe Smith and Jennifer Schmitt are over but I am excited about my guest spot with Traci Reed for next month. It's Mark's brothers birthday tomorrow, so I have to whip something up a birthday card at the very least. We have had a fairly nice day, my hands are barely usable because of all the cutting last night and today but we made a lot of people smile and for me that's worth the pain in my hands and in my shoulder. It's worth feeling wiped out completely I really need to make a start on the christmas projects, maybe if I spread them out a bit we won't end up making the printer do overtime the day before lol.

Why do I always think I have posted here

and then get really disappointed when I find out it was just another thing on my to do list that never got done?
I've had a strange old October, I have had a blast creating for my guest CT spots, I have made a lot of layouts that I am proud of BUT and there's always a but I am feeling completely drained. This is the worst I have felt physically in a while, I am in a lot of pain I am not sleeping because of it and it's really taking it's toll on me. I really need a decent nights sleep, but I would settle for just a couple of hours of undisturbed sleep or at the very minimum just enough sleep to clear some of this constant fog from my head. Being in pain makes me more tired, being tired makes the pain bother me more so it's a never ending circle *Sigh*. Lukas's Brain Training Game for the DS arrived this morning, it was supposed to be part of his DS package he got for his birthday in August and I ordered it near the beginning of July and he's just got it this morning crazy isn't it. Anyway I couldn't resist having a quick go and to say the very least I was disappointed when I got my score apparently my brain age is 71 years! What can I say except I am brain dead because of sleep deprivation. My little guy got some parcels I ordered on Ebay this morning. He is now the very proud owner of another policeman's helmet and police vest, a race car driver suit with remote control car and his most favourite thing of all Buzz Lightyear Slippers. He's currently wearing all of it lol. He has some more parcels coming including a Buzz Lightyear Spacesuit, Buzz Lightyear Bedding and a Power Ranger Outfit. Mark will be home soon and then we will start the Halloween Project for school tomorrow. We have 27 Pillow boxes to print, assemble and fill with sweets and 27 little cards to make. Me and my bright ideas lol. I could have got started but the decent printer needs a little more ink, so I had the choice of fighting with the printer that does have ink but hates picking up paper, makes loud grinding noises and always prints slightly off alignment or waiting for Mark to come home and add some more ink to my lovely printer that will print in a very short space of time perfect prints. I choose to wait but no doubt I will be regretting that decision later when I am trying to assemble the damn boxes at around if past experiences are anything to go by midnight or 1am lol. But I think Lukas and his little friends are worth it I like doing things to make people's day a little brighter. I wonder if I could possibly manage a couple of hours sleep before Mark gets home?

Now I know why I married him

He has just gone to the chinese takeaway for me 20 minutes before they close because I remarked that chips from the chinese sounded nice. Sometimes he amazes me, anyway I gotta run he's just got back with chips and spring rolls from the chinese mmmm.

Very very bad blogger.

I seem to be apologising a lot lately for this blog. I never seem to either have anything to write ot have the energy to write anything. *Sigh* when there's a never ending list and only so many usable hours in the day things fall off the bottom and never get done. It's 5:50pm right now, I haven't done anything useful yet. I got up, I made a meccano thing with Lukas, I made Lukas food, I checked my emails and now I am writing my blog. Mark finishes work at 7:30 and no doubt when he comes home he will wonder what I have done all day but then I wonder what I have done all day as well lol. The hours just seem to disappear. Today I am burnt out, I am tired, I hurt and honestly all I would really like to do is have a bath, a large vodka and whatever and then an early night. I haven't been sleeping well lately, because of the pain in my stomach. Yes I know I should go back to the doctors but I just don't see the point. I go they prod me about and make the pain worse, then they either tell me that there's nothing they can do to help or they prescribe some painkillers that do nothing. Things have changed a lot around here since the last time I wrote. Mark is a lot more attentive, he wants to touch me all the time, cuddles, kisses, just his skin touching mine and it's nice some of the time. It's not that I don't like him touching me it's just that it's kind of hard to explain that actually I don't want you to touch me right now because I hurt a lot, because then he feels guilty. I feel miserable because he feels guilty and the whole room is just filled with sadness. It's impossible to describe how pain feels to another person, when they can't feel it for themself they either underestimate the amount of pain you feel or they try and compare it to something that they felt and it's never the same. It's a bit like trying to describe the sunrise to a blind person, there just aren't adequate words to describe it. Things are better though maybe it's because he likes being home here with me, maybe it's because there are a lot of things that just aren't worth the time or energy or maybe its because he hasn't seen his mother since he moved back in lol. Whatever the reason there is a lot more peace in the house now. I just don't have the words I need available to my sleep deprived head right now, so I am going to sign off. I will try not to leave it so long between posts but I am not promising anything xx

Hooray for half term

I have my little guy all to myself until the 30th when he goes back to school. Yes I am a bizarre kind of parent, I not only love half term I count down the days until the next one. I love having my baby at home with me. Because believe it or not I actually get more done when he's here lol.
Did I mention I have 2 new toys to play with? I got Adobe Photoshop Creative Suite 3 (PSCS3) and Lightroom 1.2 and I am loving them both. I have started playing around at Facebook. If you are wondering why there have been no layouts posted it's because I have been uploading them to albums over there. I will add a link in the sidebar and I might start uploading them here again but I don't know at the moment. So what else have I been up to? Umm CT work (loads of fun), Helping Kirsty Wiseman convert her Photoshop Tutorials to Elements (More fun and no I am not being sarcastic, I really enjoyed doing it), I have started on Calendars for Christmas presents and I have an album to do for Malcolms Birthday which is in oh 5 days time lol. You should all know what I am like with deadlines by now, I am that mother that's still wrapping up presents on Christmas Eve, heck sometimes I am that Mummy that falls asleep and ends up wrapping presents on Christmas Morning lol. It will get done, eventually. We took Lukas out the other night for another duck feeding session. There weren't many ducks but there were lots of swans and geese and seagulls. Swans are very smart birds they caught right on to the fact that the closer they stepped to Lukas the more likely I was to throw massive chunks of bread or even whole slices at them so they wouldn't come any closer. I love my boy and like I told the birds, "Touch him, and you i'll drown you myself". Nan's been poorly, she has a nasty chest infection that just seems to keep spreading despite antibiotics. I am hoping that they will find something to treat it soon because I hate seeing her ill. There have been other dramas here as always and my cousin has a new baby girl. Her names Ruby and I am dying to see her so I can take lots and lots of pictures. But I'm sure your all wondering what's going on with my marriage, well things aren't that bad right now. Mark is still being a bit of a pig same old issues, but I am reaching the point where I no longer feel the need to resort to making into a row. His solution right now is he acts like a pig, he buys me something so I am getting lots of new Digi Stash lol. It's not all bad he seems happier than he's been for a while, I tune out the constant sport with my new Ipod, I hear the words love you quite a lot. Things aren't exactly sunshine and roses but they aren't completely dark and depressing either I guess for now there's a bit of a fog and nothing is really clear. I do believe that Mark loves me on some level, and he likes being back here. Things will work out one way or the other they always do. For now there's not much I can do except sit back for the ride.

Time to make a few confessions

1. I really did mean to get back here and do this before.
2. I'm still not really sure how I am going to word this post, so I am just going to go for it and hope I end up making a little sense.
Me and Mark came to the decision that our marriage deserved one last chance, he moved back in with me and Lukas. Things are very rocky right now and I really don't know how I feel about it. The truth is it was kind of nice when he wasn't here, I lived in a house full of peace for a while. There was no bickering, I didn't shout at Lukas at all but I was still willing to trade it all for my husband, what can I say I am a fool. I tried to be strong and set down ground rules before we moved back in together. I thought we had an understanding but I was so wrong. Now I live with a man who could care less about the rules we made, a man who is even worse than he was before and now has the added minus of being a smoker again. He's stroppy, biting mine and Lukas head off at every opportunity and I am stuck. I wanted my marriage to work but he's not the man I fell in love with anymore. He's mean and nasty and I feel as if every day when I get up and I let him treat me like this another piece of me dies. There's a rough road ahead and there are tough choices to be made. If only I could find Mark again I catch glimpses of the old man and I like what I see he's not gone completely just buried and I would love nothing more than to dig him out from under this hateful human being my husband is becoming. I remarked to him the other day that we had more sex when he lived at his mothers and he simply replied fine i'll go back there then. From the way he acts you would think that he is being denied sex but he's just not interested. He's content to sit and watch sport, play his laptop or his playstation 2 and not speak to anyone. I need more than that, I need to feel someone holding me, I need to see someone looking at me like they love me. *Sigh* there's bound to be another row later on tonight because I am feeling kind of edgey and emotional today thanks to getting my period this morning. I would be lying if I said I wasn't gutted but I get like this every month I would so like another baby I always felt confident when I had a baby to care for, they don't judge and they love unconditionally, don't get me wrong I still get that from Lukas I just don't get it as often as I need it. He's at school all day, he sleeps in his own room at night and I just really feel like he doesn't need me anymore. This is a real downer of a post so let's finish it off with something a bit more positive. I got my new Ipod Shuffle this morning (came free with my audible.co.uk subscription I can't read a book anymore so audio books are my only way to get back to "reading". The best part is I can listen to them while I do other stuff. Multitasking rocks lol). I am loving it. I am currently shifting my itunes onto it, I can't run CS3 and Itunes because they crash my system so I have been resorting to cds and it's a pain. I currently have 150+ songs on my Ipod and there's still space, Just press play and i'm good to go sounds fabulous to me. Might be back later.

I have stuff to say

But I don't know where to start.I don't know if I mentioned it or not but I was lucky enough to be offered two guest CT Spots one with Jennifer Schmitt who sells here, and one with DeDe Smith who sells here,here,here,here and here. So I have been busy scrapping, and uploading layouts. There's a lot going on at home but I don't have time to talk about it now Lukas is off school today because he was sick everywhere last night, he's moaning about various things. Maybe I will get time to pop back later.

Do you ever have one of those days

where you are sitting at the end of it thinking you have been banging your head against a brick wall all day, or maybe that it would have been easier if you had?
Lukas's school has had an outbreak of sickness, yesterday 40 kids and various teachers were sent home they ended up putting buckets into some of the classes for the kids to throw up in while they were frantically ringing around parents to come get their puking kid. Lukas came home with a rash all over him. So being the mummy that I am I decided to keep him home today. Well let's just say that now I understand why parents look forward to their kids being at school and why they dread the holidays. He's been a little horror for me today. Everything has needed to be repeated over and over and over again. He has pulled all my bedding off over and over and over again. Just don't ask about the bedding it's a sore point basically he strips all the bedding off the bed and piles it onto the floor, why I haven't a clue. How to stop it, no clue there either. I have tried begging, threatening, punishing,I have tried screaming, shouting, taking toys away and still he continues to do it. I am just fed up with it all today. I am sick again have a temperature, feel rough and have a headache from hell, I just didn't need Lukas to be a pain today. Nan doesn't help when I moan to her about him she responds with "he's been an angel down here". Kind of makes me want to smash her head against a wall. I know he's been good downstairs, I know he's ALWAYS good downstairs don't rub it in! He's good downstairs for two reasons 1. he has CBeebies to watch, 2. he has a playstation to play. So he's occupied and like I have said before once he's doing something he hears nothing. I got one small victory today though. He finally picked up all the toy cars and animals from his room, I threatened to bin everything on the carpet if it wasn't picked up in 30 minutes. Normally I am pretty patient with Lukas but today I just feel like everything he is doing wrong is driving me crazy and I am snapping at him. I guess if I didn't feel ill it wouldn't be so bad. I also know that a lot of it comes down to me feeling resentful. I feel overwhelmed by everything and all of Lukas's questions and requests are tiring, they require energy I don't have and while I am struggling and very close to breaking point, my husband is still at his mothers. He comes and takes Lukas to school, and picks him up. Spends about 10 minutes a day with Lukas and moans about doing that. I resent him a lot especially when he says "Well you kicked me out", no actually I didn't I told you to pack your stuff and leave so I didn't kill you because you were driving me mad. If I really meant it I would have packed your bags myself, dumbass. I get so sick of having all the blame ladled onto me. Like the whole you hit me thing. Yes I did hit him, and I apologised over and over and over again for it. But why did I hit him because he drove me over the edge. He will accept no blame and I get really sick of everyone thinking he was an innocent victim who was kicked out by his violent wife. The more honest version would be he was hit by a wife who had long since reached her breaking point, a wife who was acting more like a mother to him. I mean to be fair how many people would not crack under the pressure of living with a 30 year old man who acts like a 3 year old? All I ever did was repeat myself - "please take the dishes down", "please take the washing down", "Please don't drop rubbish on the floor". It would have been bad enough to do that day after day after day, without feeling ill. It got to a point where I chose my computer over my bed with my husband because I was sick to death of being pushed away, why bother trying to be close to him only to be ignored, or moved out of the way of the sport on the television. That's without the issue of trying not to retch when laying next to him because he hadn't had a bath for so long. Don't get me wrong I love Mark, even now and I would still be willing to risk going through all the crap again to make our marriage work.I don't want to be another statistic, I want my marriage to work out. I want the stubborn, pigheaded, ignorant son of a bitch to come home. Family is important to me and it always will be. I still hold hope for my marriage, it lives in the shame place that believes one day my mum will tell me she loves me and my dad will wake up and realise how much I love him and stop letting me down. What can I say I am a fool. Lukas is asleep I might go and join him and see if I feel brighter in the morning.

Inspiration anyone?

I bought these a while back at A Cherry On Top and they are incredibly cool.
Even I have no excuse to say I have no inspiration. Anyway they have been revamped and re-released and are on sale for 40% at Katie's brand new store Scrapbook Lady Designs. Just in case you don't know who Katie is, she's a Digital Designer with a very cool blog here where she provides a monthly set of prompts to "Round Up" your month. Check out September's here, she also hosts the Wordy Wednesday challenge at The Digi Shoppe Blog. I'll be back in a bit I have some layouts to share.

You may have noticed the new look

The happy perky lilac colours and header made with my wedding photos just wasn't doing it for me anymore. So I went for something a bit darker to match my mood, the header is a work in progress. I love the photo but I need to make a few more bits and pieces for it. If you were wondering the header is made with something I have been playing around with it's a work in progress called Sunshine After The Rain. But I make papers, then I forget about it for a while. Right now I believe there are 16 papers for it. When I think it's complete I will share it with anyone that wants it.
I am feeling very sad I found out yesterday that my mum had the baby on Thursday. She was 9 weeks early and weighs 3lb something. I believe her name is Maya. There were complications and my mum lost a lot of blood but she signed herself out of the hospital because of the no smoking policy they have in place. I am hurt that nobody even wanted to call me, I found out from Nan. I wish with all my heart that there was some way to begin mending the relationship but there just isn't my mum doesn't understand the concept of forgiving anyone she holds a grudge and I guess on some level so do I. I would love to see my baby sister or just know that she was ok but I can't. I don't have my best friend to talk to anymore because he became my husband and now wants a divorce and I just feel so overwhelmingly lonely I am lost for words to describe it. I have nobody to talk to, nobody to make it better anymore. I hate feeling so powerless, my life is slipping away from me and there's nothing I can do about it, except sit here and watch it leave. I am really starting to understand why people resort to suidicide, or alcohol or drugs to take this feeling away. While I can resist pouring myself a large drink or taking a large quantity of pills I am starting to understand why some people do and I don't like it. It was always easier to assume that they must have had no feelings for anyone around them, that they cared about no-one but themselves and that they allowed themselves to wallow in self pity and loathing. But I guess maybe they just felt like I do now and they felt like they had no-one to turn to either. Or maybe they just felt like enough was enough. I have been through so many trials in my life and through them all I have seen that distant light at the end of the tunnel, as dull as it was at times it was always there and I was always determined to reach it but now it's all just so dark. I feel like I am feeling my way through life like a blind person and I guess I am just wondering why I am bothering.Everytime I ask myself that question the answer I come up with is for Lukas. I do it all for him. I want to be strong for him and never give up on hoping that things will get better. But it's hard to find hope in the dark.

Thought this looked cute

Nan's Birthday Presents.

I ordered Nan's memory purse when it was on weekend special, she got the large memory purse, a checkbook cover (going to use that to cover a diary/planner thing and the business card holder which is perfect for her bus pass. All that was $25 I think and then the same again for postage and packaging but she's worth it. Want one? You can grab the bags and other bits here but they aren't on special price anymore.
So here is the insert to her bag she has same back and front. I designed it from scratch no template (I know *Shock* *Horror* I scrapped alone lol)Credits: Be Divine, Gettin Fancy 04 Commercial Overlays, Gettin Edgey 04 Commercial Overlays, Butterfly from Simply Gorgeous and Background paper from Birthdayz Girl all by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.
Then here's Nan's bus pass holder.I cheated for this one because I couldn't find the tape measure to measure the cover lol.Credits: Trading Card Templates by Amy Bleser (template #12 altered slightly), Be Divine and BirthdayZ Girl by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.
Then finally I made this Hybrid card to go with it (this is the digital version before I assembled it)
Credits: Snail Mailers by Bree Clarkson (Launch Pads Snail Mailers #5) and Be Divine by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.
I'm not doing enabling now, I might do it tomorrow if I feel like it. I am tired I haven't slept in nearly three days and I am starting to get ratty.

Let's talk layouts

because let's face it, husbands that have started smoking again after quitting two years ago, thanks to annoying mother in laws who provide funds to do so and even offer encouragement for doing it are just tiring. Before I show you the two layouts that I have made (only took me a week to actually do something in Photoshop) I have a tiny belated announcement. Yesterday, well technically considering the time the day before yesterday was Nan's Birthday she was 77 years young lol. I got her a memory purse (did I share the insert, card and bus pass holder with you?, hang on let me check) apparently I didn't I will put them up with the two layouts I have done tonight. But I am veering off topic as normal, she had a fairly decent birthday got some nice presents including a very funky purple disco ball that was labelled "The Flasher" lol. the only part of the day that wasn't so nice was the row we had. This huge rant here that was Nan fueled, because she has been telling everyone about me and Mark and it made me mad. I'm not going to apologize for what I said because it was all true, I did apologise for the way I said it though. She didn't really help her case with the words, "I only told them because I feel sorry for you". Nothing winds me up more than people's pity. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for myself so why should other people feel that way about me? But this post is turning into yet another long one. So let's switch track and discuss what I came here for to post layouts. Duh would help if I made my little announcement first wouldn't it. I am now on a 2nd CT. Jennifer Schmitt has asked me to guest for October, but I have already started playing with her stuff. If you haven't seen her stuff click on the enabling links I am going to add below these layouts.Credits: Layered CD Album Templates by Jennifer Schmitt and The Journey: Take the scenic route by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.
Font is Pea Sue's Print.
Enabling: Layered CD Album Templates by Jennifer Schmitt available here

The Journey :Take the scenic route by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available hereCredits: Layered template 6 (from set 10 in collection 1) and Autumn Glow by Jennifer Schmitt.

Stock photo from Stock Xchng by Mateescu Cristi (Mediaserv).
Traci Murphy Dropshadow actions - Chipboard Light, Light Stitch Light, Flower Light and Ribbon Light. Fonts are Susie's hand and Love Ya Like A Sister by Kimberly Geswein.
Enabling: Layered template 6 from Set 10 in Collection 1 and Autumn Glow by Jennifer Schmitt are available here and here.
Traci Murphy's Dropshadow actions are available here.The stock photo site address is http://www.sxc.hu/ and you can pick up Kimberly's font here.
Will post Nan's memory purse and other bits in a new post.

Nothing is sacred

Marriage isn't it's too easy now to say "I made a mistake marrying you", or "I want a divorce". Love isn't sacred anymore it can be destroyed by other people or just trip over that thin line to hate. Trust isn't sacred because everyone you trust believes it's ok to tell people that your husband has left. Your life becomes the latest greatest scandal, there isn't a person in the world that doesn't believe they have a right to discuss your business behind your back, to tell everyone they know all the gory details. People assume they can take sides and bitch about the other person, they can make idle threats and say whatever they like. Even when nothing is a certainty. I honestly believe its the innuendo from other people, the gossip and other people's actions that cause all the trouble. It's the feeling that you have no privacy and everyone is talking about you that makes you feel vunerable and destroyed. I don't want to be the centre of attention someone's focus for ridicule or even pity. I just want to get on with my life, discuss things with my husband and try and work out what happens next. The next person I hear discussing me and my marriage behind my back is going to see my fury because I've had it. It makes it so hard this is why people wish that things had never happened because being invisible is so much easier than being in the spotlight of everyone. I don't know how celebrities cope.

Just a layout today

I have nothing else to say. I am so mixed up emotionally I want to hate him for what he's done but I don't. I want to be angry at him but i'm not. I feel like when I lost Leo, like it is all just out of my control and I am being dragged along gaining bruise after bruise on my heart. I wish I could find some way to tap into the passion. Before I lost Leo I would have reacted to this in one way I would have been pathetic and weak I would have been begging him to come back, ringing him constantly and getting frustrated when he put the phone down on me or refused to pick it up at all. I have changed and so has he but I think this has more to do with being numb inside. I am shocked that he's gone and it hasn't quite sunk in yet what that means. That's the problem with this blog I start a sentance to explain that I just have a layout and it turns into a whole post lol. Anyway here's the layout. I found this cute layered template the other day here.

Credits: Spiderman layered template by Bonecade Papel Scraps and All Divas Eve (recoloured) by Royanna Lea Fritschmann.

I got to thinking

while I was radomly swearing at the damn computer for refusing to play the dvd Lukas wanted to watch. While having no television is of no consequence to me (because I watch it like once a week), Lukas is missing it. Both him and his daddy seem incapable of functioning without that big dumb black screen. For me it's always been noise with a few tiny exceptions. But Mark and Lukas they plan there life around it. I got to thinking about how many of the arguments we had were over that TV. From the heated rows about yet more sport, to the playful teasing about the fact that Mark can reel of stats from any given sport but still doesn't know exactly what days his sons were born on. I thought about the days out that were ruined because Mark was sulking about missing something or trying to hurry us along to get back for something. The television was never my thing it used to be books. I devoured every printed word with the appetite of a starving person. I needed to absorb every word, every phrase. I could read a book cover to cover in hours, and then read it again to make sure I didn't miss anything. I read anything I could get my hands on and would happily wait up all night to ensure I finished the book I had started. I used to read in the bath, read on the bus, read while the teachers were talking at school. As my hands got worse and the headaches increased from being a few times a month to weekly, daily and then constant the books fell to the wayside. I couldn't concentrate on them anymore, reading them wasn't worth the pain. My second biggest passion is music. I choose songs to reflect my mood, I play them over and over again until I know them word for word. I feel as if the words in some songs just seem to fit the way I feel better than I could express. I have a passion for digital scrapbooking I collect kits, I scrap layouts (I willingly admit to sometimes spending hours on a layout only to scrap it because it just doesn't seem right.) I have a passion for my sons. That passion consumes my every waking moment and almost every one I spend sleeping. I am filled with a love that burns like a bright beacon. People are drawn to its radiance like moths to a flame. They aren't sure what they are seeing but it draws them close. Some people have to step away because it's such a burning passion it burns too bright for some people. My passions drive me they make me the person I am. Without passion I would be nothing a mere shell of myself. Mark doesn't have a passion sure he is consumed by his desire to sit and vegetate. He would happily spend his whole life in front of the television, playstation or laptop games and he would never feel discontent about it, because his drive just isn't there anymore. He used to have drive and be artistic, but most of all he used to be motivated. When I first met him he made me laugh all the time. I couldn't wait to be around him. Hell I used to go to work early (yes I know me the I Don't Do Mornings! girl) so I could waste time drinking a diet coke and eating a king size mars bar in the shop with him instead of on the till where I worked. I used to be clock watching for it to be 9pm at work because that meant he would be waiting for me outside. He used to be early and lecture me for being late while I giggled and called him an old dinosaur. Then he left it was sudden with no announcement and I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. I was stunned how much it hurt me that he hadn't said goodbye. I innocently asked his friend where he was trying not to sound interested. With each passing day I grew more angry and less hurt with him. Then someone who used to come in the shop mentioned he had seen Mark working in a certain shop. I felt my heart race a bit. Though I admit he never knew it because I let rip with my fury on him. He stood back stunned unsure why I was so mad. I wanted to beat him about the head with something to knock some sense into him, bloody hell you dumb man do you really not know what I am feeling for you? The details of the months that followed are a little hazy to me, and I am sure you are wondering why I am telling you this now. It's because that day I realised he had become my passion. My driving force. Now I guess I kind of feel like my guide rope has been severed I am left to the ride called life and I have nothing to guide and centre me. I just have to hope that I can swerve every bump in the road, or at least not hit it hard enough to fall out. So if it seems like my wheels are a little wonky for a while, and you suddenly find yourself witnessing just how badly I drive. Just be aware that whatever road my life travels from here on Lukas will be fastened securely next to me, nothing and no-one will ever threaten that. If Mark decides to climb back in for the ride there is room in my heart but he will have to find the key because for now I am burying it so I don't end up hurting myself because I am so desperate for my guiding light to return.

i cant hate you anymore

Sounds very appropraite for the way I feel right now. I am tired out from crying and I don't hate him right now. Give me time I am sure the hatred will come later

So he came

and packed his stuff and left, went running back to the mother that doesn't want him in her house but is willing to tolerate him being there for the rent money. My little guy cried hysterical and I felt very very helpless until he told me why I was crying and I couldn't help laughing out loud - Daddy was taking his Disney channel lol. I was reminded today in between the floods of tears of my reason for living on the planet, my Lukas. When he asked why I was crying I told him "Daddy broke my heart and it hurts" ever resourceful my little guy replied "you can have mine mummy", which provoked more tears from me and a very confused look from Lukas. How screwed up is it that my 5 year old gets the concept of death he understands now that Leo is dead and he's not coming back. I finally managed to satisfy his questions on that front and now I am facing even more but this time nothing I say is going to be good enough. It's my fault I suppose for always telling him the way it is. I always swore I was never going to lie to him but now it's not so much lying as not knowing what to answer because I honestly don't know why Mark doesn't want him or me anymore. I have no clue why he wants to throw away our marriage. I am really bad at this parenting thing first I have to do the death talk and now the divorce one and he's just 5 years old. Why can't I hang on to those that I love? But I am a woman and a pretty strong one usually so I am coping the way any self respecting woman does, I shopped, normal girls they go out and buy things like shoes or clothes or they get drunker than they have ever been before. I am not normal I can't just go out so I did the next best thing I internet shopped, but not digi stash this time. No I went for two downloadable cd's I guess I am spolit by the instant gratification of Digi scrapping,so I can listen to someone else describing how I feel so I don't have to work it out, that bottle of vodka is looking mighty tempting to kill this headache from sobbing so much. I could kill for someone to hold me right now. Someone to wrap there arms around me and tell me it will all be ok even if that is total bull. Guess I will have to make do with my little guy and my teddy bear. *sigh*

I have never felt so worthless in my whole life

I sit here as someone who has been raped and abused in the past and I can honestly say nothing has ever made me feel as worthless than the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, my husband just did. Last night when he wanted sex I was happy enough to oblige I thought even though things were hanging by a thread this showed some intent to work at it. Little did I realise that it was all just so he could get his leg over then get up this morning throw his ring at me and walk away. To have my own husband treat me as nothing more than a whore and not to care that he made me weep in the street because of it has cut me so deep I don't think I will ever recover. I think the worst part was the more upset I got the more he enjoyed it. He held out his ring and then threw it into the dirt it meant nothing to him whatsoever. Even to my ears it sounded pathetic when I told him you can't throw our marriage away like that and he just shrugged his shoulders and couldn't care less. I am heartbroken and full of shame, the one who I have given so much of myself to freely, who I would have willingly died to turn back time and not hurt him yesterday has just proved that to him I am worth less than nothing. I have no clue where I go from here, I have been married 9 months and 2 days and my husband has left me. How could it possibly get any worse. But then I shouldn't have asked that because it's just hit me how it's going to get 1000 times worse. I am going to have to tell people that it's over and he's left me. I am going to have to look people in the eye and see pity or in some cases glee that it hasn't worked out. I have a feeling I am going to spend hours if not days wishing I had never been born. What did I ever do to deserve this? I know my rage caused me to lash out at him yesterday but what woman in their right mind wouldn't at some point reach her breaking point if they lived with a man who could care less when he hurts her feelings by forgetting every event, by constantly ignoring her every word and request, by treating her and his child like a piece of crap he has walked in? I was wrong I apologised but the truth is he didn't care that I hit him. All he cares about is being able to do nothing all day long, and marriage just doesn't allow for that to happen. Marriage is full of compromise and work but I guess I was the only one up to the job, the only one who wanted to make it work. I just wish he had told me he didn't love me instead of making me get married just to end it 9 months and 2 days later.