The happy perky lilac colours and header made with my wedding photos just wasn't doing it for me anymore. So I went for something a bit darker to match my mood, the header is a work in progress. I love the photo but I need to make a few more bits and pieces for it. If you were wondering the header is made with something I have been playing around with it's a work in progress called Sunshine After The Rain. But I make papers, then I forget about it for a while. Right now I believe there are 16 papers for it. When I think it's complete I will share it with anyone that wants it.
I am feeling very sad I found out yesterday that my mum had the baby on Thursday. She was 9 weeks early and weighs 3lb something. I believe her name is Maya. There were complications and my mum lost a lot of blood but she signed herself out of the hospital because of the no smoking policy they have in place. I am hurt that nobody even wanted to call me, I found out from Nan. I wish with all my heart that there was some way to begin mending the relationship but there just isn't my mum doesn't understand the concept of forgiving anyone she holds a grudge and I guess on some level so do I. I would love to see my baby sister or just know that she was ok but I can't. I don't have my best friend to talk to anymore because he became my husband and now wants a divorce and I just feel so overwhelmingly lonely I am lost for words to describe it. I have nobody to talk to, nobody to make it better anymore. I hate feeling so powerless, my life is slipping away from me and there's nothing I can do about it, except sit here and watch it leave. I am really starting to understand why people resort to suidicide, or alcohol or drugs to take this feeling away. While I can resist pouring myself a large drink or taking a large quantity of pills I am starting to understand why some people do and I don't like it. It was always easier to assume that they must have had no feelings for anyone around them, that they cared about no-one but themselves and that they allowed themselves to wallow in self pity and loathing. But I guess maybe they just felt like I do now and they felt like they had no-one to turn to either. Or maybe they just felt like enough was enough. I have been through so many trials in my life and through them all I have seen that distant light at the end of the tunnel, as dull as it was at times it was always there and I was always determined to reach it but now it's all just so dark. I feel like I am feeling my way through life like a blind person and I guess I am just wondering why I am bothering.Everytime I ask myself that question the answer I come up with is for Lukas. I do it all for him. I want to be strong for him and never give up on hoping that things will get better. But it's hard to find hope in the dark.
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