Time to make a few confessions

1. I really did mean to get back here and do this before.
2. I'm still not really sure how I am going to word this post, so I am just going to go for it and hope I end up making a little sense.
Me and Mark came to the decision that our marriage deserved one last chance, he moved back in with me and Lukas. Things are very rocky right now and I really don't know how I feel about it. The truth is it was kind of nice when he wasn't here, I lived in a house full of peace for a while. There was no bickering, I didn't shout at Lukas at all but I was still willing to trade it all for my husband, what can I say I am a fool. I tried to be strong and set down ground rules before we moved back in together. I thought we had an understanding but I was so wrong. Now I live with a man who could care less about the rules we made, a man who is even worse than he was before and now has the added minus of being a smoker again. He's stroppy, biting mine and Lukas head off at every opportunity and I am stuck. I wanted my marriage to work but he's not the man I fell in love with anymore. He's mean and nasty and I feel as if every day when I get up and I let him treat me like this another piece of me dies. There's a rough road ahead and there are tough choices to be made. If only I could find Mark again I catch glimpses of the old man and I like what I see he's not gone completely just buried and I would love nothing more than to dig him out from under this hateful human being my husband is becoming. I remarked to him the other day that we had more sex when he lived at his mothers and he simply replied fine i'll go back there then. From the way he acts you would think that he is being denied sex but he's just not interested. He's content to sit and watch sport, play his laptop or his playstation 2 and not speak to anyone. I need more than that, I need to feel someone holding me, I need to see someone looking at me like they love me. *Sigh* there's bound to be another row later on tonight because I am feeling kind of edgey and emotional today thanks to getting my period this morning. I would be lying if I said I wasn't gutted but I get like this every month I would so like another baby I always felt confident when I had a baby to care for, they don't judge and they love unconditionally, don't get me wrong I still get that from Lukas I just don't get it as often as I need it. He's at school all day, he sleeps in his own room at night and I just really feel like he doesn't need me anymore. This is a real downer of a post so let's finish it off with something a bit more positive. I got my new Ipod Shuffle this morning (came free with my audible.co.uk subscription I can't read a book anymore so audio books are my only way to get back to "reading". The best part is I can listen to them while I do other stuff. Multitasking rocks lol). I am loving it. I am currently shifting my itunes onto it, I can't run CS3 and Itunes because they crash my system so I have been resorting to cds and it's a pain. I currently have 150+ songs on my Ipod and there's still space, Just press play and i'm good to go sounds fabulous to me. Might be back later.