where you are sitting at the end of it thinking you have been banging your head against a brick wall all day, or maybe that it would have been easier if you had?
Lukas's school has had an outbreak of sickness, yesterday 40 kids and various teachers were sent home they ended up putting buckets into some of the classes for the kids to throw up in while they were frantically ringing around parents to come get their puking kid. Lukas came home with a rash all over him. So being the mummy that I am I decided to keep him home today. Well let's just say that now I understand why parents look forward to their kids being at school and why they dread the holidays. He's been a little horror for me today. Everything has needed to be repeated over and over and over again. He has pulled all my bedding off over and over and over again. Just don't ask about the bedding it's a sore point basically he strips all the bedding off the bed and piles it onto the floor, why I haven't a clue. How to stop it, no clue there either. I have tried begging, threatening, punishing,I have tried screaming, shouting, taking toys away and still he continues to do it. I am just fed up with it all today. I am sick again have a temperature, feel rough and have a headache from hell, I just didn't need Lukas to be a pain today. Nan doesn't help when I moan to her about him she responds with "he's been an angel down here". Kind of makes me want to smash her head against a wall. I know he's been good downstairs, I know he's ALWAYS good downstairs don't rub it in! He's good downstairs for two reasons 1. he has CBeebies to watch, 2. he has a playstation to play. So he's occupied and like I have said before once he's doing something he hears nothing. I got one small victory today though. He finally picked up all the toy cars and animals from his room, I threatened to bin everything on the carpet if it wasn't picked up in 30 minutes. Normally I am pretty patient with Lukas but today I just feel like everything he is doing wrong is driving me crazy and I am snapping at him. I guess if I didn't feel ill it wouldn't be so bad. I also know that a lot of it comes down to me feeling resentful. I feel overwhelmed by everything and all of Lukas's questions and requests are tiring, they require energy I don't have and while I am struggling and very close to breaking point, my husband is still at his mothers. He comes and takes Lukas to school, and picks him up. Spends about 10 minutes a day with Lukas and moans about doing that. I resent him a lot especially when he says "Well you kicked me out", no actually I didn't I told you to pack your stuff and leave so I didn't kill you because you were driving me mad. If I really meant it I would have packed your bags myself, dumbass. I get so sick of having all the blame ladled onto me. Like the whole you hit me thing. Yes I did hit him, and I apologised over and over and over again for it. But why did I hit him because he drove me over the edge. He will accept no blame and I get really sick of everyone thinking he was an innocent victim who was kicked out by his violent wife. The more honest version would be he was hit by a wife who had long since reached her breaking point, a wife who was acting more like a mother to him. I mean to be fair how many people would not crack under the pressure of living with a 30 year old man who acts like a 3 year old? All I ever did was repeat myself - "please take the dishes down", "please take the washing down", "Please don't drop rubbish on the floor". It would have been bad enough to do that day after day after day, without feeling ill. It got to a point where I chose my computer over my bed with my husband because I was sick to death of being pushed away, why bother trying to be close to him only to be ignored, or moved out of the way of the sport on the television. That's without the issue of trying not to retch when laying next to him because he hadn't had a bath for so long. Don't get me wrong I love Mark, even now and I would still be willing to risk going through all the crap again to make our marriage work.I don't want to be another statistic, I want my marriage to work out. I want the stubborn, pigheaded, ignorant son of a bitch to come home. Family is important to me and it always will be. I still hold hope for my marriage, it lives in the shame place that believes one day my mum will tell me she loves me and my dad will wake up and realise how much I love him and stop letting me down. What can I say I am a fool. Lukas is asleep I might go and join him and see if I feel brighter in the morning.
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