Very very bad blogger.

I seem to be apologising a lot lately for this blog. I never seem to either have anything to write ot have the energy to write anything. *Sigh* when there's a never ending list and only so many usable hours in the day things fall off the bottom and never get done. It's 5:50pm right now, I haven't done anything useful yet. I got up, I made a meccano thing with Lukas, I made Lukas food, I checked my emails and now I am writing my blog. Mark finishes work at 7:30 and no doubt when he comes home he will wonder what I have done all day but then I wonder what I have done all day as well lol. The hours just seem to disappear. Today I am burnt out, I am tired, I hurt and honestly all I would really like to do is have a bath, a large vodka and whatever and then an early night. I haven't been sleeping well lately, because of the pain in my stomach. Yes I know I should go back to the doctors but I just don't see the point. I go they prod me about and make the pain worse, then they either tell me that there's nothing they can do to help or they prescribe some painkillers that do nothing. Things have changed a lot around here since the last time I wrote. Mark is a lot more attentive, he wants to touch me all the time, cuddles, kisses, just his skin touching mine and it's nice some of the time. It's not that I don't like him touching me it's just that it's kind of hard to explain that actually I don't want you to touch me right now because I hurt a lot, because then he feels guilty. I feel miserable because he feels guilty and the whole room is just filled with sadness. It's impossible to describe how pain feels to another person, when they can't feel it for themself they either underestimate the amount of pain you feel or they try and compare it to something that they felt and it's never the same. It's a bit like trying to describe the sunrise to a blind person, there just aren't adequate words to describe it. Things are better though maybe it's because he likes being home here with me, maybe it's because there are a lot of things that just aren't worth the time or energy or maybe its because he hasn't seen his mother since he moved back in lol. Whatever the reason there is a lot more peace in the house now. I just don't have the words I need available to my sleep deprived head right now, so I am going to sign off. I will try not to leave it so long between posts but I am not promising anything xx