and before anyone emails me and thinks I have lost the plot. I know perfectly well that my little guy isn't alive, I haven't gone cuckoo but I figure if there is a god of some description watching my sweet angel boy in heaven they have the power to watch over the world, then heck they have the power to get the message however it happens to be conveyed some people pray I blog what can I say it's a lot cheaper than going to a medium lol.
It's three years ago tomorrow, well technically today since it's 2:39am that you went away and do you know what it still hurts me more than I can bear. Lukas is staying home from school so we can do something to remember you by, something more productive than sitting at home crying. I could cry from now until eternity but it won't change anything will it. Those tears will only make my heart raw from pain, my chest heave with sobs and my mind ache from the outpouring of emotion that if I start I will never be able to stop. Tomorrow we are going somewhere that is outside of these 4 walls, and believe me when I say we will be trying all day not to think of you. Does that sound cruel? I didn't mean it to, you are always in our hearts and on our minds not a day goes by where our deepest wish is not to have you here, but tomorrow is just one of those days that hurts that bit more. Just like your birthday does, and christmas does but tomorrow hurts most because tomorrow is not a day that would have been if you were here like the others we don't wonder what would you be doing now if you hadn't died like we do on the others because tomorrow is the one day that makes all the others unbearable, if tomorrow hadn't happened everything else would have. Everything except the tears, the hurt, the unimaginable soul destroying sorrow they wouldn't have happened if it hadn't been for tomorrow. I hate that tomorrow the pictures I see of you in my mind aren't the ones that I scrap, they aren't the ones we display for everyone to be reminded that you must never be forgotten, they are the images of your swollen body a reaction to the drugs they pumped into you in a pointless effort to make you better. The images of you poor red face, raw from the tape you were allergic to. The images of my beautiful baby boy who had changed into something I didn't recognise something that had tubes and wires everywhere. I would happily sacrifice anything to be able to remove those images from my mind to only see your soft brown fluffy hair and your gorgeous eyes open and looking at me, to see your beautiful delicate skin and your tiny little hands unmarked, to see you as my Leo. Lukas misses you so much, he cries all the time for you and it breaks my heart over and over again to see how much he is hurting. I hate tomorrow, because it makes me resent you, it makes me almost hate you for hurting us all so much. I feel so helpless tomorrow because I know that it's going to come next year, and the year after and it's never going to go away. Every year it will bring back all the bad feelings, the hurt and it's so hard to bear. I hope you understand why it hurts so much, why I hate it so much. I'll be ok afterwards it's easier to cope, it hurts just as much but it's not so overwhelming. I love you so much Leo and I hate that tomorrow makes my love for you hide beneath all the horrible emotions, I hate that tomorrow is the only day of the year I love you less because I can't remember how to just love you tomorrow. I only know how to hate what tomorrow is and hate what it does to me, I only know how to hurt tomorrow, and there's not a thing in the world that can kill that pain. I'm going to bed now little guy, I have a hard day tomorrow and let's face it I am not exactly the strongest person on a normal day, I need everything I am and then some for tomorrow. I love you with all my heart and soul little guy even if it doesn't sound like that right now. Please forgive me for anything I say in anger or pain tomorrow after all I am nothing but a mummy who is in pain xxx
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