Just call me the tooth fairy

I really hate school trips, let me rephrase that I really hate school trips where I can't go and take pictures lol. Today I hate them more than normal. Not only did my little guy go on a school trip today that I have no pictures of he lost his 1st tooth while he was there. The trip was to see birds at a nature reserve thing he says he had a great time but was really sad that he lost his tooth. I'm really sad that I wasn't there with him and that I don't have it here to scrap lol. But I did what I do best. Me and Nan pretended to call the tooth fairy and ask her to please leave Lukas a gift for being a brave boy. While she did that I made him a letter from the tooth fairy explaining that all lost teeth go straight to her magic castle and various other stuff to make him feel better. With some gliter, rubon's and a little effort later he has a very cool letter from the tooth fairy complete with £5 note (hey it's his first I made it perfectly clear that paper money is only for the 1st tooth lol) and a £2 coin in a little jewellery box because that was the closest I get to "gold coin" from the tooth fairy. He's worth every penny. I have been reading a lot of things lately saying that the Tooth Fairy, Father Christmas etc is a form of lying to kids, and honestly I don't believe that's true. I want him to believe that there is more to the world than what you can see, I want him to believe in the possibility that special things happen to everyone. I don't lie to him about anything he asked me where babies come from and I told him, he asked me why grass was green and I told him he didn't understand hardly any of the explanation but the point is I didn't lie to him and he knows he can always trust me to tell him the truth about everything. But things aren't that clear cut, to me the tooth fairy story is always like that sunshine after the rain thing your tooth came out it hurts but there's someone there who will make it better even if the only way "she" makes it better is to pay you for what you have lost. It doesn't matter that there is no real fairy it's the message behind it.Eventually he will get that i'm the tooth fairy, the easter bunny, father christmas etc and that's fine because a mummy takes on whatever role is the most helpful. I switch between being the one to scold him when he's naughty to the one who kisses him better when he's hurt, so what's a few more roles for me to play. If it means that he believes there's always someone watching out for him that makes it fine with me. He's been talking about Leo again today, he's thinking a lot about him and so am I hate November I feel like the whole month is just leading up to Leo's anniversary and what's worse is I feel like November is the calm before the really stormy time - Christmas. There will never be a Christmas is my lifetime and probably not in Lukas's that isn't clouded by Leo's glaring abscence. It seems worse than any other time because we are so aware that we are only wrapping one set of Christmas presents, we are writing cards out and one name is missing. I hear about christmas miracles everywhere and Christmas wishes and ours is just for one more time to hold him, one more time to touch his skin, one more time to see him as he was before the hospital, just one more moment with him and that wish is never going to come true. I'm truly haunted by the last time I saw him when I held his cold lifeless body in that room, I remember the horrible smell and the way it felt when my fingers slipped inside him because of the careless way that they had stitched his little body back up after the numerous post mortems. I remember all that as clear as day but the only way I can remember what he looked like is to look at the few photos I have of him. More than anything I wish that his image was burnt onto my brain as firmly as the hurt is burnt into my heart.