So he came

and packed his stuff and left, went running back to the mother that doesn't want him in her house but is willing to tolerate him being there for the rent money. My little guy cried hysterical and I felt very very helpless until he told me why I was crying and I couldn't help laughing out loud - Daddy was taking his Disney channel lol. I was reminded today in between the floods of tears of my reason for living on the planet, my Lukas. When he asked why I was crying I told him "Daddy broke my heart and it hurts" ever resourceful my little guy replied "you can have mine mummy", which provoked more tears from me and a very confused look from Lukas. How screwed up is it that my 5 year old gets the concept of death he understands now that Leo is dead and he's not coming back. I finally managed to satisfy his questions on that front and now I am facing even more but this time nothing I say is going to be good enough. It's my fault I suppose for always telling him the way it is. I always swore I was never going to lie to him but now it's not so much lying as not knowing what to answer because I honestly don't know why Mark doesn't want him or me anymore. I have no clue why he wants to throw away our marriage. I am really bad at this parenting thing first I have to do the death talk and now the divorce one and he's just 5 years old. Why can't I hang on to those that I love? But I am a woman and a pretty strong one usually so I am coping the way any self respecting woman does, I shopped, normal girls they go out and buy things like shoes or clothes or they get drunker than they have ever been before. I am not normal I can't just go out so I did the next best thing I internet shopped, but not digi stash this time. No I went for two downloadable cd's I guess I am spolit by the instant gratification of Digi scrapping,so I can listen to someone else describing how I feel so I don't have to work it out, that bottle of vodka is looking mighty tempting to kill this headache from sobbing so much. I could kill for someone to hold me right now. Someone to wrap there arms around me and tell me it will all be ok even if that is total bull. Guess I will have to make do with my little guy and my teddy bear. *sigh*