When the fire of rage burns nothing is left unscathed

It tore through here earlier, and destroyed everything in it's grasp. Total damage stands at undetermined amount, but my marriage has been left hanging by a thread. I am in no doubt that tomorrow morning I will see the damage in all it's glory. I will open my eyes and see the hurt that was left in the wake of my fiery anger, I will see all that was consumed and destroyed. I honestly believe that this fire has been simmering for a long time, and like a volcano it eventually erupted leaving nothing but devastation. Rage first destroys rationality, followed by calm and composure then it swiftly removes control. I saw nothing but fire when I attacked Mark and hit him, over and over. His cries never reached my ears, his pain never reached my eyes. Nothing got through to me until the rage had burnt at it's brightest. I was left a weak helpless shell who could do nothing but stare at the hands that had inflicted damage beyond measure. For hours I could see nothing in my mind but a huge white void of nothing. I didn't know who Mark was or Lukas. I cried buckets of tears for a reason unknown to me. Now in the aftermath I sit here and I type and I am more confused than ever because my husband doesn't seem to hate or despise me. He seems to feel nothing. It's been a problem for a long time he doesn't feel anything at all. I am angry at him for not hating me. I want to be hated for what I did, I want to feel guilty beyond all measure but I only feel confusion. I feel like my brain is a computer giving me a "this area is restricted" message when I try to access my emotions. They are there I know they are but I can't process them correctly. I have always been the rational one, the one who is in control of not only herself and her emotions but of everything else. I may be the emotional one but I am the one who provided the support and the balance and now I am the one who is unsteady, walking a tightrope above a sea of confusion and for the 1st time in my life I am truly afraid. I have seen what rage makes me capable of, I have lost control and I don't know where to go from here. I feel like my whole world is crumbling down around me and I am powerless to stop it. I think when Leo died he took more than a piece of my heart and my soul. I think he made the edges of every emotion raw and sharp enough for even the mildest of insult to cut deep. I used to believe in myself. I believed if I could get through losing Leo I could get through anything but I don't know how to get through this. Crying doesn't work. I feel like I have gone past the point of no return I am falling in a hole with no bottom and nothing can save me. Mark won't have to do a thing, whether he pushed me over the edge or I fell is irrelevant now because what's done is done. If he could find his feelings again he might be able to save me and himself. But if he can't what hope is there I don't have the strength left to save myself anymore. I need him, but he needs me more and I can't do it anymore. I can't take care of him or Lukas I am nothing except a broken woman who is slowly losing more and more of her mind every day. No person is strong enough to endure all this and remain standing, but where the hell do I go from here? What I have done is unforgiveable I can never forgive myself for doing it no matter what Mark does. I let the rage consume me now I have to sift through the wreckage and hope that something remains intact underneath all the crap, I just wish I knew how to do that.