Saturday, September 22, 2007

I have never felt so worthless in my whole life

I sit here as someone who has been raped and abused in the past and I can honestly say nothing has ever made me feel as worthless than the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, my husband just did. Last night when he wanted sex I was happy enough to oblige I thought even though things were hanging by a thread this showed some intent to work at it. Little did I realise that it was all just so he could get his leg over then get up this morning throw his ring at me and walk away. To have my own husband treat me as nothing more than a whore and not to care that he made me weep in the street because of it has cut me so deep I don't think I will ever recover. I think the worst part was the more upset I got the more he enjoyed it. He held out his ring and then threw it into the dirt it meant nothing to him whatsoever. Even to my ears it sounded pathetic when I told him you can't throw our marriage away like that and he just shrugged his shoulders and couldn't care less. I am heartbroken and full of shame, the one who I have given so much of myself to freely, who I would have willingly died to turn back time and not hurt him yesterday has just proved that to him I am worth less than nothing. I have no clue where I go from here, I have been married 9 months and 2 days and my husband has left me. How could it possibly get any worse. But then I shouldn't have asked that because it's just hit me how it's going to get 1000 times worse. I am going to have to tell people that it's over and he's left me. I am going to have to look people in the eye and see pity or in some cases glee that it hasn't worked out. I have a feeling I am going to spend hours if not days wishing I had never been born. What did I ever do to deserve this? I know my rage caused me to lash out at him yesterday but what woman in their right mind wouldn't at some point reach her breaking point if they lived with a man who could care less when he hurts her feelings by forgetting every event, by constantly ignoring her every word and request, by treating her and his child like a piece of crap he has walked in? I was wrong I apologised but the truth is he didn't care that I hit him. All he cares about is being able to do nothing all day long, and marriage just doesn't allow for that to happen. Marriage is full of compromise and work but I guess I was the only one up to the job, the only one who wanted to make it work. I just wish he had told me he didn't love me instead of making me get married just to end it 9 months and 2 days later.

1 comment:

Kari --- said...

Hang in there... whatever happens; know that you have Lukas, who needs you right now!

Oh, and it *is* okay to cry.. as much as you need to.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))) I am sorry he's being such a dolt.