So you want gory details ok then here we go

I will confess that the thought on my mind a lot lately is that the world would be better off without me. I consider suicide on a daily basis but always discount the idea because of the mess that it would leave behind for someone to clean up. I have a husband who is not scared of the idea of D.I.V.O.R.C.E and actually believes that telling me if I leave him I will lose my computer and Internet connection is a valid way to change my mind. I may not have had my union "blessed" but marriage means something to me, it's a commitment and a huge one at that (probably why I didn't want to do it lol). I feel like I was guilted into it I mean come on how many people could say no to "I want my mum (whose supposed to be dying of cancer) to see me get married"? The irony of that being said mother doesn't approve of the marriage and actually leaves the reception to attend another party - if you don't read this much go here for that info. I also have Nan the martyr extraordinaire she rams down my throat how much she does and how little I do, I swear if I hear "I'm so ill, but I still get up and go to work everyday" one more time I will lose my mind. She tells me constantly what a waste of space my husband is by pointing out everything he hasn't done. I mean be fair does she think I am blind and I can't see for myself what he is like without her telling me over and over and over again. As if that wasn't enough to send anyone loopy, there's the persistant and unwavering desire to defend people. Lukas pulls all his bedding off and it's because "Mark, never made the bed right to begin with". Even when I have made it myself yet tonight she was in a strop and she had made the bed so he was "very naughty to do that" no shit that's what I have been saying for ages. I don't know why he does it, I just know that every piece of bedding on the floor is annoying, very very annoying. What really gets me is when she tells me how ill she is I can see it. I can't do anything to help her though I suggest a doctor she bites my head off, I don't suggest a doctor and then I am accused of not caring.I can't bloody win. Then there's the MIL did I mention she forgot her own son's birthday. But no-one will say anything to her about it and why not? because she has cancer, so basically she's off limits. Amazing how her cancer makes her beyond reproach about absolutely everything because we are all supposed to feel sorry for her but doesn't stop her going out drinking, doing bootsales, working etc. I get real sick of feeling compassion for her when she gets sympathy and well wishes from everyone and then proceeds to be a two faced bitch about them behind there back. My son's birthdays are burned into my memory and nothing not fits, amnesia or anything else could remove them I will never forget that Lukas was born on August 3rd 2002 and Leo was born on August 24th 2004, that Leo died on the 28th November 2004 or that my angel babies went to heaven on the 17th February 2003 and the 10th April 2006. I'm a mother it's my job to never forget those dates whether my son is 5 or 30. There's Lisa with the child from hell daughter who Nan constantly moans about (Ella incase you are wondering), yet if I happen to say anything she instantly defends not only Ella but Lisa too. I'll be honest I used to think Leo was so unlucky to have died so young because there was so many things he never got to experience. Now I think that he's luckier than I can comprehend he never had to deal with hurting so much it was hard to breathe, or living with the bitching and nastiness in short he never got chance to see the shitty side to this thing called life. But the thing that bothers me more than anything today is how unsafe my son, my world is while at school. I haven't taken him to school once since he went back. There is all new receptionists etc. Yet when I went to school to get him today at lunch time because I needed him with me, he is my guiding rope tying me to sanity. If I hadn't gone and picked him up, there would have been nothing stopping me from doing something crazy like going and getting drunk. No-one questioned anything. They never asked me who I was or for any I.D. I simply walked in cited that I needed to take Lukas because of a "Family Emergency" and they let me have him. No forms, no signature, nothing. I just strolled out of the gates with him. When Mark went to pick him up as normal they just said "someone we assumed was mum came and got him earlier". Yes I am his mum but they didn't know that, and in my view it was way too simple to remove him from the school at lunchtime. He should be safe there, random people shouldn't be able to stroll into reception and remove a child. Hell I could have strolled onto the playground if the desire had taken me to. So here I am a broken woman, I have cried buckets, screamed and shouted yet all I have acomplished it that I have a constant stream of guilt being poured on my head from the two people I love more than anything except Lukas, I love him better than both Nan and Mark. Each one believes they are right and won't budge. Nan thinks Mark doesn't do anything, Mark thinks he does everything. I don't agree with either of them and wish they would quit with making me piggy in the middle and start acting like adults. Fight their battles out between themselves and leave me out if it. I just want some peace and the only way I found that tonight was in a large amount of vodka and orange juice. Crying all day gives me a headache 100 times worse than normal and as your aware pain killers don't normally work on me, but alcohol does. One glass maybe two (yes I had more than that tonight - If you are wondering one carton of Tesco's orange juice tipped into an empty squash bottle and shook up, add vodka until you can taste it so no idea how much vodka really I just sloshed it in from the vodka bottle until I could taste it.) and I can sleep. I like to sleep because even the nightmares aren't as bad as life is lately. Is it really too much to ask for one day of peace?