So I could start with an apology

for not blogging for a while, but why bother. I mean honestly no-one reads my blog so it's like apologising to myself, and since I seem to spend my life apologising for one thing or another or taking the crap from other people doing things wrong I figure that I should be able to not apologise to myself. But yet I still have the desire to do it. I still want to apologise for my inability to make time to do the one thing that helps me keep my sanity. I'm angry with myself for not finding the few minutes I day it takes to keep some record of how I have spent my crappy existance on that day. As you can tell I am not in the best mood today. I am sad, I am depressed, I am angry but most of all I am hurting. After having the crappiest Christmas and Birthday that I can ever remember all I want is for this stupid year to finally be over. 2007 has been utterly overwhelming, I feel like I have had my heart ripped into tiny shreds, the irony is this year shouldn't have been as hard as previous ones we have been through worse yet this one feels like it's taken more of a toll on my soul than the others. Maybe I am just tired out from everything in previous years and it's finally all gotten too much. 2007 should have been remembered as being the year I got married, that's supposed to be a good thing. But for me 2007 hasn't been about the positive stuff when I think of my wedding I don't think of it as the happiest day of my life I think of it as the day when life as I know it stopped, it was the day that I stopped being a daughter, I stopped being a grandaughter but I didn't become a wife. Things didn't work the way they were supposed to. I miss my family, I hate that I haven't seen my new baby sister, I can't stand that I wasn't there to help my brother and his partner deal with the one thing I actually understand when they lost their baby as his big sister and someone whose been through it I should have been able to help them. I feel like a failure. But the worst part isn't that I don't have my family, it's that the reason I don't have them is a wedding to a man who didn't even buy me a christmas card, with a father for a guest who doesn't even remember my birthday. I lost my family for two selfish pigs called Mark who I obviously don't matter a bit to. Is it really that difficult to pick up the phone and say happy birthday?, is it really that hard to remember to buy a card? I don't think so, and it makes me feel sad. I could never forget any of my babies birthdays. I could never go out of my way to make another humna being miserable yet they can and do with ease. Maybe my new years resolution should be to not give a damn about anyone or anything and be more like the people I love, maybe if they had a taste of their own medicine they might realise why I spend a lot of my nights of insomnia crying and writing this little blog. But I can't because it's not in my nature. Right now I would quite happily trade anything for just a small amount of the indifference they feel because I would just love to know how it feels to not be heartbroken even if only for a minute, because for them not even mattering enough to warrant a card is no big deal and I am jealous. All this emotion is draining, I am tired out from being disappointed that no-one gives a damn about my feelings and I am tired out from the knowledge I can't stop them from hurting me and I can't stop myself from getting hurt and the only option I seem to have open to me is to carry on doing the same shit over and over again year after year. What a depressing thought *sigh* maybe I will feel more positive in about 21 hours when 2007 is finally over and we can start off on a new page called 2008.