Sometimes enough is enough

You know those days that seem never ending? Where one thing after another goes wrong and you end up sitting somewhere and sobbing your heart out because you just can't take anymore, that was today all over. I throw my hands up, today I have had enough and I just can't do this anymore. It started with me getting up feeling ill as usual, add a little bit of whinging kid who doesn't od a thing I say into the mix, combined with Nan moaning about how ill she is as normal sounds like a normal day here so far right. Then add in Lukas throwing up all over Nan's toilet, calling Mark home from work so he could unscrew the toilet seat to clean up the sick, trying to convince that stubborn old cow to let me call a doctor for her and her refusing and it turning into a row (which happened to end with the words "you make me ill" from her. It was all just too much I came upstairs and I cried poor Mark was trying to comfort me and I was just in too much of an emotional overload to do anything more than push him away over and over again. I cried for a good hour while Mark alternated between trying to comfort me and being shoved away and watching the clock knowing the longer he was away from work the more trouble he was going to be in. I have officially reached my breaking point and I am a mess. I can't deal with how sick I am lately, or more accurately I can't deal with how sick she is making me. I can't remember the last time that I didn't have a migraine, it's not that I get them everyday it's that they never go away in the first place. I am making myself sick worrying about her, she's making my headaches worse with her constant moaning and whinging yet she won't let me do anything to help her. I am stressed out to the point where I am randomly bursting into tears, I have even reached the low point of understanding how someone could choose in one way or another to escape from life. I never got addictions, drugs, alcohol etc I couldn't wrap my head around how someone could be willing to do that to themselves and the ones they love. I always thought there wasn't anything that could ever make me behave like that. But now I understand, doesn't mean I want to do it but I understand why some people would. At the bottom of that needle, that bottle or whatever your poison of choice is, lies oblivion, the point where nothing not pain, not fear, not even hatred can find you and soemtimes that oblivion is so deep love can't find you either. I get it now how that could look like an escape route , I get how even knowing the risks that leap to starting it could tempt you, even if it is the doorway to hell but when you feel like you are already there what does it matter really. I also get why people commit suicide how they feel that is there only way out of the situation. I'm never going to lie and say that temptation hasn't winked at me and invited me back to his because it has but everytime I just shake my head and say thanks but no thanks. The temptation will never be enough because I have Lukas and I have Mark to consider. It doesn't matter how deep of a pit I fall/dig myself into I will find a way out because I know I have to. I love Nan and it doesn't matter how much she hurts me, I need to find a way to take it and keep loving her. I need to resist the urge to walk away from her, or give into the temptation to hate her. I may not love the person she has become as much as I loved the person she used to be, but as long as I love her in some way I can't give up on her. I have hope that one day I will see her the way she used to be. Rose coloured glasses of seeing her as perfect, a hero, a saint even was so much easier. She was Nan and she was amazing sat up on that pedestal I put her on she could do no wrong I wanted to be just like she was. To forgive everyone for every time they hurt her, to keep going long after I thought I couldn't to be there for each and every person. I feel like maybe some of that rubbed off on me, I just hope by being like she was I don't end up like she is, a bitter, mean, nasty and hurtful old woman spending her life acting like a martyr and making all those around her miserable. She just makes it so hard to keep loving her the way I do.