What in life forces you to make a decision about something? What makes you do something you really don't want to do? What makes you do something you always said you never would?
Yes I know I am not making any sense but then when do I ever lol. Yesterday I made a decision that I didn't really want to make, something I said I wouldn't ever do and I made that decision because I have finally reached a point where I am willing to admit I can't do something. I hate knowing that I have given up on something, I hate knowing that there is something I have had to admit defeat on, admitting that I can't do anything is my idea of the most depressing thing in the world. I have never been good at quitting anything, put bluntly I am the sort of person who when told they can't do something will go out of their way to prove whoever said it wrong. The best way to make me do anything is to bet me that I won't be able to do it, or that I won't have the nerve to do something and I will find some way of proving you wrong. But I am getting away from the point, yesterday I made the decision to leave Royanna's creative team, because right now I can't cope with everything. I can barely manage to keep up with my email and I am not taking my decision very well. I hate that being sick has got the better of me, I hate that Mark's comment on it was oh does that mean you will be doing something around the house now. Being on creative teams was my way of feeling like I had some value and I was useful to someone, now that's gone too. Sure I am still on Chrissy's team because right now I feel like I might just about be able to handle that but a few months back if I was asked would I leave Royanna's team I would have answered hell no. What if in a few months time I can't handle working with Chrissy's stuff either. I feel burnt out right now, everything that's going on is wearing me down, physically and mentally. Something had to give and right now that something happened to be Royanna's CT. I don't need more hours in the day because it doesn't matter how many more hours I have I won't be able to find the energy to do anything, more sleep doesn't help, less sleep doesn't help. I'm sick of being sick all the time, fed up of being mediator, problem solver and the finder of all things lost, but when you have lost every part of yourself where do you start looking to find the parts that make you who you are again? I suck at being a mummy lately, definately suck at being a wife and a great grandaughter, I'm failing miserably at being a CT member so I guess the real question should be who am I right now? or more accurately what am I? Right now the only answer that I can come up with is a total bloody failure is every area of my life!
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