and I really don't know why. I feel so wound up and snappy and I really am not entirely sure why. Lukas of course choose today to be in a i'm going to whine, whinge, moan and generally make a pest of myself day, Nan is doing her usual amateur dramatics and Mark has gone to work. I am choosing to stay in front of my computer and try and avoid the possibility of chewing someone's head of because they looked at me. I have this kind of pent up rage thing going on today, you know what I mean don't you, I am looking at the mess everywhere and wanting to smash everything, i'm tired, I feel worse than normal but that doesn't really explain why I feel like this. *sigh* sometimes I wonder if I will ever be the one in charge of my own body, can't control the physical stuff, can't control the emotional stuff, so what the hell am I in charge of in my life. Answers on a postcard!
Ok I am back and I am doing something I don't normally do which is editing a post (well I do edit them to add links and stuff but you know what I mean). Anyway would someone like to tell me if I have please hurt me tatooed across my forehead in ink everyone but me can see or something. Because that's what everyone seems to assume. Everyone seems to take any little thing I say or do as an invitation to do just that. Case in point overhear Lisa arguing outside, and sounding about as pissed off as I feel, happen to ask Nan if her and Lisa have had a falling out. I then get Nan ranting and raving at me about Lisa before changing the subject to something completely unrelated, and telling me something she knew would hurt me. How the conversation veered so far off course from moaning about Lisa to gossiping about Mark's sister coming over and talking to Lisa I don't know. Feeling the need to tell me in precise detail the content of that conversation even though she knew it would hurt my feelings unexplainable but then turning the conversation around again to make it into a dig about Mark beyond comprehension. Now I don't feel like screaming, shouting or smashing anything I feel like laying on my bed and crying until my eyes run dry. But I have learnt a valuable lesson trying to show concern for someone = bad idea, sitting and listening when someone rants endlessly = big mistake, staying to listen once that person start randomly bashing your husband = too stupid for words. What you should do in these situations is politely excuse yourself and get the hell out of the front room, escape back to your room and leave that person to work through their issues on their own! Luckily I had already learnt a lesson previously on the subject of talking to Nan's no matter how wrong you think she is keep your mouth shut! anything you say can and will be used against you, nothing you say will do any good, opening your mouth will just cause it to escalate into a huge row and that's no good for anyone. Even if you feel like you are getting the blame for something you have nothing to do with just stay quiet and suck up her ranting. It's just one of the things you do for love, you love her therefore you act as the sounding board and you get to brunt of all her bad moods, she used to do that for you when you were at school, she used to stick up for you, just remember that and then come up here and whinge about it to the blog, come up here and feel like a worthless piece of crap who is kicking themself for not answering back, it's all for the best really. At least this way you can't get blamed for anything else. So you will have to excuse me, right now there is a box of tissues calling my name. The part I can't wrap my head around is who is hurting me more right now Nan with her ranting and raving to my face, or Mark with his talking and plotting with his family behind my back. *sigh* it's always same shit different day around here isn't it.
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