Time for a proud mummy moment

You know sometimes when your kids do something and you just feel like your heart is going to burst with pride? For some people it's that first time their little one sleeps through the night (never had that problem my boy is lazy with a capital L lol), or they use the potty for the 1st time (don't really remember him using the potty I was so upset about Leo that area in his life really is a bit of a blur), they finally give up that dummy (he never had one thanks to our shared latex allergy that he's now outgrown lucky sod lol), or they stay dry for the whole night (I don't ever remember him having a wet bed unless he was ill or the pull up pants leaked lol) or maybe it's when they finally throw away their bottle (now that one I do remember that wasn't a proud mummy moment that was an oh, crap am I making the biggest mistake of my life because this is going to come back and bite me later moment lol). Sure I was proud of all those things, but that's the beauty of kids no matter how old they get there is always going to be something they can do that makes you feel like you are going to burst with pride. Today's just happened to be that he's finally learnt to read! He came home with his reading book and since it's a rare good day for me I decided that I would actually do his homework with him (it's a long story and one that's not for today), so I dragged it all out of the back and was amazed that he know has reading, spelling, writing and maths homework to do. I handed him the reading book fully intending to do our usual of Lukas pointing out every single thing on every page and me reading the words, but before I could sit on the bed next to him, he started to read it all by himself. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, it's a hell of a moment when you realise that the extra help he's been getting for his "special needs" (don't get me started on that one please) is finally starting to do something except piss me off lol. It amazes me that he's been at school for nearly 3 years (reception, foundation and this is year 1) and they have finally caught on to the fact that he's not stupid he's lazy. He can do anything if he's in the mood to do it. I used to get so sick of all the letters home about Lukas tries but he's not really making any progress, Lukas can't do this or Lukas struggles with that. Some of the things they said he can't do I know he can because I taught him how to do them ages ago. But this is finally proof that whatever it doesn't matter what speed he is getting there at he is moving forward, he is getting better and he is learning and that makes me happy, very very happy. He's currently out, gone for a happy meal with Lisa, Gary and Ella. Sometimes I hate that he is so willing to go off with other people, it often leaves me feeling that he doesn't want to be around me but maybe I am just being paranoid, I guess it's hard for him to realise that I miss him when he's not here, and it hurts my feelings when he's really eager to go with other people. I'll tell you a secret sometimes I hate that school has made him so independant, I wish he would be a little more clingy and want his mummy, but what can I say I am selfish sometimes, yep selfish and human I just want him to be all mine and not have to share him with anyone else lol. It's hard when the school gets him for 6 hours a day and the 6 hours a day that he's mine are boring and dull I mean really what would be appealing about homework, bath-time, getting undressed and bedtime. He prefers the company of his playstation, his toys, and the TV over company from me. I mean I am the nagging mummy, the one who tells him he has to eat his dinner and go to sleep. But the school they get 6 hours of his full attention, they get to praise him when he does good things and reward him with stickers, and i'm not afraid to admit I am jealous. I hate that I have to share him with them or anyone really, but I also hate that we really didn't ever have that time when it was just him and me, before he went to school he had a mummy who was sick and for the majority of it grieving. The 1st miscarriage (Gaiebraille) destroyed my spirit, I wasn't half the mummy I should have been to him because I was just so damn sad, then I was pregnant with Leo and I was really sick in and out of hospital all the time. Then when Leo was finally born we had SCBU to deal with and then he died and that bought about a whole new set of problems, dealing with Lukas's grief on top of my own and Marks and it's pretty much been a rollercoaster ride ever since. Way more downs than ups losing the 3rd baby (Ambrose), losing Mark's mum and so much more in between. I missed out on the chance to be proud of Lukas just for being Lukas. Now everything that I am ever going to be proud of him for is going to be because of someone else - his teachers. He's going to learn and grow and become whatever he becomes in spite of me not because of me and that makes me a little sad, I wish I was the one who had taught him to read, not some stranger. But all I am is his mummy, the one whose often sad and nearly always sick. I'm damn proud of him and I always will be I just wish once I could feel proud that he did something because of me, because I did a good job rather than a good enough job. Guess that doesn't really make sense to anyone but me, I should be happy, so why am I crying?