Sometimes enough is enough

You know those days that seem never ending? Where one thing after another goes wrong and you end up sitting somewhere and sobbing your heart out because you just can't take anymore, that was today all over. I throw my hands up, today I have had enough and I just can't do this anymore. It started with me getting up feeling ill as usual, add a little bit of whinging kid who doesn't od a thing I say into the mix, combined with Nan moaning about how ill she is as normal sounds like a normal day here so far right. Then add in Lukas throwing up all over Nan's toilet, calling Mark home from work so he could unscrew the toilet seat to clean up the sick, trying to convince that stubborn old cow to let me call a doctor for her and her refusing and it turning into a row (which happened to end with the words "you make me ill" from her. It was all just too much I came upstairs and I cried poor Mark was trying to comfort me and I was just in too much of an emotional overload to do anything more than push him away over and over again. I cried for a good hour while Mark alternated between trying to comfort me and being shoved away and watching the clock knowing the longer he was away from work the more trouble he was going to be in. I have officially reached my breaking point and I am a mess. I can't deal with how sick I am lately, or more accurately I can't deal with how sick she is making me. I can't remember the last time that I didn't have a migraine, it's not that I get them everyday it's that they never go away in the first place. I am making myself sick worrying about her, she's making my headaches worse with her constant moaning and whinging yet she won't let me do anything to help her. I am stressed out to the point where I am randomly bursting into tears, I have even reached the low point of understanding how someone could choose in one way or another to escape from life. I never got addictions, drugs, alcohol etc I couldn't wrap my head around how someone could be willing to do that to themselves and the ones they love. I always thought there wasn't anything that could ever make me behave like that. But now I understand, doesn't mean I want to do it but I understand why some people would. At the bottom of that needle, that bottle or whatever your poison of choice is, lies oblivion, the point where nothing not pain, not fear, not even hatred can find you and soemtimes that oblivion is so deep love can't find you either. I get it now how that could look like an escape route , I get how even knowing the risks that leap to starting it could tempt you, even if it is the doorway to hell but when you feel like you are already there what does it matter really. I also get why people commit suicide how they feel that is there only way out of the situation. I'm never going to lie and say that temptation hasn't winked at me and invited me back to his because it has but everytime I just shake my head and say thanks but no thanks. The temptation will never be enough because I have Lukas and I have Mark to consider. It doesn't matter how deep of a pit I fall/dig myself into I will find a way out because I know I have to. I love Nan and it doesn't matter how much she hurts me, I need to find a way to take it and keep loving her. I need to resist the urge to walk away from her, or give into the temptation to hate her. I may not love the person she has become as much as I loved the person she used to be, but as long as I love her in some way I can't give up on her. I have hope that one day I will see her the way she used to be. Rose coloured glasses of seeing her as perfect, a hero, a saint even was so much easier. She was Nan and she was amazing sat up on that pedestal I put her on she could do no wrong I wanted to be just like she was. To forgive everyone for every time they hurt her, to keep going long after I thought I couldn't to be there for each and every person. I feel like maybe some of that rubbed off on me, I just hope by being like she was I don't end up like she is, a bitter, mean, nasty and hurtful old woman spending her life acting like a martyr and making all those around her miserable. She just makes it so hard to keep loving her the way I do.

From Our Blog To Yours - Dream Vacation

I suppose I could have changed that to dream holiday since that's what we call it lol. I have mentioned on here before that most people's idea of a dream get away is my idea of hell on earth lol. I can't stand sand, I hate hot sun, I hate bright lights so that pretty much rules out anywhere exotic lol. But I did have a blast playing in the snow with Lukas so maybe somewhere with snow would be good. I don't have a country in mind though lol. I would love to take Lukas to Disney Land just to see his face (and maybe ride on some of the rides lol). I would love to take tonnes of pictures but to be honest I do that when we go to the park anyway lol. I really would be happy to go anywhere as long as Mark and Lukas were there too lol.

Last one for now

I really need to go to bed lol. This one was created for a Paper 2 Digi Challenge at Sweet Shoppe Designs. (Yes I know the last one was as well but they are different challenges.)

Scraplift of Play by Jaime Warren found hereCredits: Class Of 2008 by Melissa Bennett. Fonts are Mickey's Merry Christmas and DJB Erika and DJB My Dear Marsha by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads: Ever since you were a baby, Christmas has always meant, mummy buying you a very cute costume to wear. You have been a reindeer, a Christmas Pudding, a snowman and of course Santa. This time you decided you wanted a Mickey Mouse Santa Hat complete with ears. We were supposed to be going to a Christmas party, after you were ready I left you to amuse yourself while I got ready. When I came back downstairs you were zooming about the house on your ride-on. I asked you to get off and you said no. When I asked you why you wouldn’t get off you told me that you needed it, it was your sleigh. Silly boy!

Right I am off to bed but I will be back at some point today to sort out the mess that my blog has become lol.

Another layout

This one was created for a Paper 2 Digi Challenge at Sweet Shoppe Designs.
Scraplift of Delicious by Puppet found hereCredits: Bowl-A-Rama by Dani Mogstad and Traci Reed and Bowl-A-Rama CD Album by Dani Mogstad, Traci Reed and Jacque Larsen. Fonts are DSP Box by Suzanne C. Walker and DJB Nicole by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads: The 1st time we took you to the local Bowlplex, you had a great time.You weren’t quite big enough to bowl by yourself so you used the ramp to help you. In the end Daddy won the game but you were really close to beating him. The only thing that was bad about it was the camera broke, so we only got a few pictures, but I guess that just means we will have to go back so mummy can take some more!

I promise I will make time to update all the enabling, add links to the challenges etc tomorrow.

In Pink Overload!!!

Urgh I am so fed up of looking at this layout, it's so girly and pink lol. Don't get me wrong I had fun making it but I am so not a pink sort of girl, sparkly is fine, flowers are great but pink well to quote Lukas "Pink Stinks!!!" lol. But it's always good to do something new. This one started out being for a Paper To Digi Challenge at Sweet Shoppe Designs, but the more I worked on it the less it looked like the original lol so I changed it to fit A Sweet Inspiration Challenge at Sweet Shoppe Designs and went with saying it was inspired by rather than a scraplift of because it's that's more accurate lol. So here's the layout you tell me if you think it's too pink!
Inspired by I Love You Guys by Puppet found hereCredits: Her Royal Highness by Dani Mogstad and Emily Merritt, Pink Fuzzy Knitted Alpha by Zoe Pearn, Hangin By A Thread by Amanda Slagle (Mandabean) and Acrylic-O-Holic 2 and Stamped Script Alpha Brushes by Traci Reed.

Will do the enabling tomorrow.

From Our Blog To Yours - Memorial Day

This challenge sounded like a lot of fun, "find kits in the shoppe with either red, white and blue (does not have to be all in the same kit) or with Stars!". Window shopping at Sweet Shoppe Designs, that can never be good for my debit card now can it lol.

The 1st one I found is not technically a kit, but it does have red, white, blue and stars in it lol.
Cluster Of Stars bent frames by Susan Bartolini (ScrapKitchen)The 2nd one is a very cute kit (Part of the Year Of Memories Collection)
A Year Of Memories - July by Dani Mogstad and Shawna ClingermanThe 3rd one I already have on my hard drive lol, ok so technically it's more turquoise than blue in this one but it's such a gorgeous kit I thought it deserved mention lol.Paging Miss Bettie by Traci Reed
The 4th one is another kit that I have on my hard drive and this one isn't conventional colours either but there is red and blue and touches of white lol.
Ain't No Sunshine by Traci ReedThen there's the 5th one which just happens to be yet another Traci Reed one lol.
Boy Theory by Traci ReedThe 6th one is a kit I can't remember if I have or not lol I remember looking at it but not entirely sure if I actually bought it or not, yes I know I am awful aren't I lol
Spin Your Wheels by Julie Billingsley
The 7th one is a kit I have on my wishlist, because Lukas saw it and decided he wants it lol.
Ka-blamo by Shawna ClingermanThe 8th one is less vibrant than the others but I think it's got a unique charm of it's own.
All Sorts by Fee JardineThe 9th one is something I have and *shock horror* have scrapped with well I think I have lol.
Way To My Heart by Heather RoselliThe last one for tonight/this morning (6am so I suppose that's technically morning right?)
Is just stars, I know I am supposed to be looking for kits but elements are more interesting lol. Graffiti Grunge Stars by Shawna Clingerman

From Our Blog To Yours - What Your Latte Says About You!

This is another slightly older one (originally posted on 2nd May 2008) and it should be interesting since I don't drink coffee lol. But maybe the questions will be a little bit broader and I will still be able to answer them. I suppose most of them would apply to Hot Chocolate too and I do drink that (well sometimes anyway usually when I am cold lol)

What Your Latte Says About You

You are very decadent in all aspects of your life. You never scale back, and you always live large. You are a very frivolous person. You don't take anything too seriously. Why should you? You have a good deal of energy, but you pace yourself. You never burn out too fast. You're addicted to caffeine. There's no denying it. You are responsible, mature, and truly an adult. You're occasionally playful, but you find it hard to be carefree. You are expressive and friendly, but you are never pushy.

What Does Your Latte Say About You?

I think that's a lot to tell about someone just from the drink that they order lol. The part that made me giggle was the "You're addicted to caffeine" because I don't touch it, I drink caffeine free coke, don't drink tea or coffee. Now Mark on the other hand is very addicted to caffeine and I don't even want to think what Nan would be like without her extra strong coffee all day long.

From Our Blog To Yours - What's Your Personality Type?

This is a slightly older prompt (originally posted April 25th 2008), but I'm bored, my stomach is hurting and I can't sleep lol. All we have to do this time is take a quiz and post the results. Fingers crossed it will work properly and I can generate the code to put the results here lol. Ok have to go with copy and paste and just hope it works!

You Are An ISFP

The Artist You are a gifted artist or musician (though your talents may be dormant right now). You enjoy spending your free time in nature, and you are good with animals and children. Simply put, you enjoy beauty in all its forms and live for the simple pleasures in life. Gentle, sensitive, and compassionate - you are good at recognizing people's unspoken needs. In love, you are quiet and sweet yet very passionate. You love easily. You have an underlying love for all living things, and it's easy for you to accept someone into your heart. At work, you do best in an unconventional position. You express yourself well and can work with almost anyone. You would make a good veterinarian, pediatrician, or composer. How you see yourself: Sympathetic, kind, and communicative When other people don't get you, they see you as: Incompetent, insecure, and overly sensitive

What's Your Personality Type?

I'm never quite sure what I think/feel about these quizzes, hmm will have to ask Mark what he thinks about this result tomorrow, I am really interested to know what he thinks. Completely off topic but wouldn't some of these quizzes make really good journalling on a layout lol.

Scrapped another layout

Not really much more to say about this one except it was created for a Spin-A-Lift Challenge at Sweet Shoppe Designs.
Spin-A-Lift (Rotated 180 Degrees) of Karen Wong's (Hom74) Slide Walking.Credits: Layered template (Inspired by Karen, Template 1) by Bree Clarkson and Chilling and Grilling by Misty Cato and Penny Springmann. Font is DJB Nicole by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads: We never do anything on a small scale do we. The night we camped out in the garden was also the 1st time we had a BBQ. We used a disposable BBQ on the top of Grandad’s metal one. You were so excited about everything. With Mummy watching you constantly you were allowed to help turn the burgers over. You had such a great time. But you really weren’t interested in even trying what you had cooked!

Enabling: Inspired by Karen Templates by Bree Clarkson available here, Chilling and Grilling by Misty Cato and Penny Springmann available here and DJB Nicole by Darcy Baldwin available here

I'm probably going to go to bed now, I have quite a few layouts to finish off tomorrow.

I think that's everything

installed on the computer programs wise, but for some reason my firefox is playing up a little, some of the addons I have downloaded (all the ones I had before) don't seem to be working today. But I will fix that tomorrow. I thought since I had gotten everything reinstalled a lot quicker than I was anticipating I would reward myself with a little scrapping time. This one was created for a One Word Challenge at Sweet Shoppe Designs. It's a little different than my usual style but I like it.
Credits: Layered template (Patti'licious, Template 4) and Clearly Inked Stapled Alpha by Chrissy W and Party Out Back by Kristin Cronin Barrow.

Enabling: Patti'licious Templates and Clearly Inked Stapled Alpha by Chrissy W available here and here and Party Out Back by Kristin Cronin Barrow available here.

It's good to be back

even if it is without my RAM upgrade. Isn't it just typical that after all those months of begging and pleading, for Mark to please please go and finally buy the RAM he has been promising me since we first got the machine, the day he goes to get it is the day they are sold out!!! As usual nothing is ever simple, I told Mark he wasn't to touch my machine until he bought the new hard drive, take the old one out put the new one in. But he argued with me that his way would work better. Is anyone really surprised that he was wrong and he screwed up the machine in the process? Many hours later I finally have my computer back to almost normal, I have installed almost everything it needs, I finally learnt from my mistakes and backed everything up, made a list of all the programs, addons etc that were installed now all I have to do is work through it. I'm getting there but it's slow going. I refuse to get annoyed about it I am already miserable enough thanks to getting my damn period on Saturday. Then there's also Nan apparently the guy who is supposed to be fixing the downstairs toilet (yep still waiting for that) came this morning at 8am and no-one answered the door, Mark swears he was up and no-one came. But he's gone to work and since when has she ever listened to anything I have to say. Her rant about that was swiftly followed by her rant about him not sorting the recycling out for collection tomorrow. He doesn't finish work until midnight oh the joy of listening to her moaning about the same thing over and over again for the rest of the evening, kinda makes me glad I have no choice but to be sat here doing this lol. I am having a little photoshop withdrawal though, it's the only thing I can't seem to find to install, I have elements 4.0 and I know where CS2 is so I may have to use that instead. Anyway I suppose I better get back to it. Hopefully I will be back properly soon.

600 Posts seriously?

Do I really ramble that much lol. Makes me wonder what sort of crazy numbers I would be at if I actually remembered to blog more often lol. Well today I have a tag to reply to, and a layout to share, but first on with the moaning lol. I've been feeling really yucky all day, I think I may have picked up what Lukas was off school with all last week. Oh the joys of germ infested kids lol. It's taken all day but the painkilling combo and heat patches on my back are finally starting to make me feel more like myself. Tomorrow is a bank holiday, Mark's home and Lukas is off all week on half term so if you don't hear much from me I am either taking refuge in my bed and leaving Mark and Lukas to fend for themselves or we might have finally started to do some of the much needed sorting and tidying. I have a massive to-do list to get through but maybe I will get through it quicker after Tuesday, Mark is finally buying me some more RAM for my baby, and picking up the new hard drive we need at the same time. I am excited at the prospect of using my computer at something other than snail pace. Anyway shall we start with the tag or the layout? Let's go with the layout shall we. This one was created for the new Cookie Decorating 101 (Template) Challenge at Sweet Shoppe Designs. I used one of the kits I picked up last week from Sweet Shoppe Designs, I haven't finished unzipping what I bought yesterday yet lol. The pictures have been scrapped before I think but I can't be sure of that since I don't have all my layouts on here, I lost a lot of the old ones in either the massive computer failure or the hardrive failure, I do have some others backed up onto disk though. But I thought these worked really well with the tree included in the template, even if the quality of them isn't really all that great.Credits: Layered template (Cookie Decorating 101 20th May 08) by Cindy Schneider and Going Green by Micheline Martin. Fonts are Fortuna Dot, GF Halda Normal and Pointers.

Journalling reads: The day we went to Cotswold Wildlife Park with your nursery, the heat was almost unbearable. While Mummy and Daddy were looking for a cool place to sit down and rest, you did not seem to be at all bothered by the heat. You ran around between the trees making lots of noise and played Peek-A-Boo. July 18th 2006.

Enabling: Going Green by Micheline Martin available here, Fonts were actually this months font challenge in Bella Scraps Magazine and are available here, here and here. All the details of the template challenge including the download link can be found here.

Ok now onto the tag, here we go

1. Link your tagger and list these rules on your blog.

2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.

3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.

4. Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

I was tagged by the lovely Cyndi Wetmiller aka Wetfish Designs. You can find her blog here.
7 facts about me, this should be interesting feel free to go and watch some paint dry or ice cubes melt, while I have a think they will be probably be a lot more interesting lol.

1. I hate almost all sauces/dips/dressings. The only two I can think of that I don't mind are apple sauce and gravy.
2. I prefer to eat almost everything cold. I also happen to like chocolate/cake/doughnuts straight out of the freezer.
3. I have a bit of a thing for shoes, but whether I am indoors or outside 9/10 I will be barefoot.
4. When I am nervous I play with my jewellery.
5. I love chinese food and we always order the same thing Sweet and sour chicken balls with a substitute of curry sauce for Sweet and sour, 2x egg fried rice, soft fried noodles, mini spring rolls, chips and prawn crackers. It usually does dinner for the three of us, and breakfast/lunch and maybe dinner the following day for me lol.
6. I'm allergic to latex, wasps and amoxycillian.
7. I still have a teddy bear who sleeps in my bed with me.

I'm going to tag Chrissy,Renae, Kirsty, Kate, and Bethany

That's the benefit of tagging me I suppose, I am an open book everything I told you there has probably been blogged about at some time or other. If there's anything anyone ever wants to know they only have to ask me. I can't help it if I have a big mouth and can't shut up lol.

Here's another one I have finished off today,

created for a Sugar Free Challenge at Sweet Shoppe Designs. As much as I missed Photoshop I am just not very inspired to create today. I do have a more comfy chair now though. It is nice to finally be able to sit back and scrap while feeling a little comfortable. I can't remember the last time I felt entirely comfortable. *sigh* but that's just one of the fun benefits of being ill all the time, you leanr to take the good when you can get it.Credits: Layered template (In The News 3) by Bree Clarkson, Extreme Extras Alpha Brushes by Shawna Clingerman and Lauren Grier and Hope Springs Eternal by Heather Roselli and Amy Bleser. Fonts are DJB Erika by Darcy Baldwin and DymoFontInverse.

Journalling reads: I’m not afraid to admit that there are some things I am scared of in life, like spiders and heights. I take the point of view that everyone is afraid of something and these just happen to be my weaknesses. There are the superficial things, like worrying I will look fat in photos or my butt will look big in something. I shove those into the category called stupid ego! They aren’t really a problem since I hardly ever go out of the house anymore. But when we do I just choose something I think is flattering and try and ignore the little voice in my head telling me people are looking at me! I will willingly admit that I have a fear of death, I worry all the time about losing someone else that I love. I really don’t know how I would cope if I lost someone else that I care about, but it’s unavoidable.I worry Mark getting hurt while he is out on the bike. I worry that Nan will fall over and break another bone.I worry that Lukas will get hurt in one way or another while he is at school. I worry that something will happen to them that I can’t stop. But I accept those fears too. As a wife and a mother and a great grand daughter I feel that it’s part of the job description to worry about those that I love. I mean what kind of person would I be if these were not things that I was afraid of? But there are other things I am afraid of, things that I am almost ashamed to admit to. Things like being scared of failing as a mother. No-one can help me with that, all I can is keep my fingers crossed and do my best and hope that it’s enough. I am scared of things that have no reason, and things that I can’t control. I like to be the one in control and knowing that some things happen just because, scares me. Things like cancer, miscarriages, losing Leo. I like there to be a reason I can understand about why things happen, and neither Karma, Fate, Unfortunate Circumstances, God or just one of those things is enough of an answer for me. Maybe one day it might be but for now it’s just a battle I fight with myself. But the biggest fear I have is also my biggest secret. I have never confessed it to anyone before because I am scared they would laugh. I am scared of the bathroom. When I was a kid I saw a creature in the toilets at school. They called exterminators in, but we never knew exactly what it was. Ever since then whenever I use the toilet I open the lid and peer inside first. Then I close the lid when I am done just incase. I know it’s childish but I can’t help it. The thing that really scares me in there is the bath though. When I was pregnant the doctors advice was for me not to be left alone in the bathroom, due to the frequent fits and blackouts. Mark is still of the opinion that is why I ask him to sit with me when I have a bath, it isn’t. It’s because that’s where Leo went blue and floppy. I can’t go in there and see the bath without remembering that day. I see it over and over in my head, and everytime it’s accompanied by the question, could I have done something different and saved him? I know that there is probably no answer to that question that will satisfy me. I also know there’s no real reason to be afraid and yet I still am.

Enabling later sorry.

Oh Photoshop how I have missed you

Would it be bad if I admitted that if Mark was away for a week I probably wouldn't miss him as much as I have missed Photoshop lol. I got up this morning and every single muscle in my body ached I couldn't even move my neck. But with the help of steaming hot bath, and my TENS machine I am now sat at my desk ready to work. I have already finished off and uploaded one layout and now I am about to finish off some of the others in my work in progress file. Maybe I will even get a new one started. Lukas has gone with Mark to the city centre for a Happy Meal and to buy my replacement office chair. The other one has been broken for a while. I really can't think of anything better than having a comfy chair to sit in and scrap lots of layouts. So here's the 1st one I have finished off for a Slogan Challenge at Sweet Shoppe Designs. Credits: Layered template (Patti'licious, template 3) by Chrissy W, and Hope Spring Eternal by Amy Bleser and Heather Roselli. Fonts are DJB Nicole by Darcy Baldwin, King Cool KC by Kimberly Geswein and Devil Inside by Freaky Fonts.

Journalling reads: I have never been what anyone would class as skinny. Over the years I have come to accept that I am never going to be a size ten. I have made peace with my big butt and I have decided that I really quite like the attention my cleavage attracts. I am content to forever be just skinny inside.

Be back to add enabling later.

Not scrapping is bad for my health

and everyone else's as well. Scrapping helps me to focus, it helps me to stay busy but more than that it helps me to keep my temper under control. As this week has worn on I have found myself having to resort to hurting myself at times to avoid hurting other people. It's always been something I have done, I bite my lip, I bite my nails, I dig my nails into the palms of my hands anything just to make me feel sharp pain, since that is the only distraction good enough to stop me just seeing red and exploding. Lukas has driven me insane this evening with constant questions, talking to himself and everything else he normally does, today it's irritating me to the point where I have had to walk away from him and go into another room just so I don't snap at him. I was very glad that for the 1st time in a long time, he decided he was tired and laid down and went to sleep for a few hours this evening. He's tired because he has been to play at Lisa's today he's still sick and Ella's sick too so Lisa came and got him so they could keep each other company. I was asleep since I was up all night last night, and when I finally did climb into my bed I had to try and sleep around Lukas, who decided that he was going to take up residence in my half of the double bed lol. So I am tired, I am aching all over and I am on a very short fuse today. This week has worn on my nerves, and I just long to open photoshop and lose myself in pixels. I truly ache for that feeling of calmness I can find even if it is briefly when I scrap layouts. Creating one layout a day seems to be enough for me to find that and I really really miss it. Hopefully I should be done with the backing up by tomorrow and then I can finally be reunited with my beloved photoshop. Right now I don't have the power I need to open it let alone scrap.

Sunday or Monday?

What day does the week start on for you? See ever since I went to school I have always said the week starts on a Monday and runs through to Friday, Saturday and Sunday are the weekend before the new week starts on Monday. But Nan well she has always said the week starts on a Sunday and the reason the question comes up? Well that would be because I am trying to work out whether I can bundle Sunday into my week of hell or whether Monday and Tuesday stand alone in making this a very very crappy week. Before I tell you why it's been a bad bad week, I just want to lament about the fact that there are still so many days left in the week, I could take as a sign that I have either 5/6 days (depending on if the new week starts on Sunday or Monday). Or I could use past experience to remind myself that when things go wrong they really go wrong. But since I happen to believe that there is always a third option I am going to split the difference and say that all things good or bad come in three and keep my fingers crossed that this time it's true! I suppose telling you what has gone wrong might be a good place to start.

Sunday: This post should help you out with that. The horrible noise it was making seems to have gotten a little bit better, but it's definately looking like we will need a new internal hard drive this month. For now we are keeping our fingers crossed that it will last until Mark gets paid and it will be a old one straight out, new one straight in deal.

Monday: Well Monday was definately interesting, and not in a good way. We found out at school that Mark's Dad is "courting", nice isn't it that we found out that way. This is what always happens though for some reason unknown to Me and Lisa, Mark's auntie Rachel, seems to be of the opinion that Lisa should be included in all family business. Lisa used to be friendly towards Mark's mum. She just couldn't wait to tell Lisa all the details about this obviously never crossed her mind to tell her nephew what his dad was doing, oh no she couldn't wait to gossip about it on the school playground (no doubt she felt it her right to tell the other 2 ladies on the playground who happen to be in Mark's family in some way or other, don't ask me to explain because I truly have no clue, all I know is in Lukas's class their are 3 other kids who are cousins of his/marks something like that anyway). Then Lisa obviously told Nan, who always thinks I have a right to know what's being said at school (since I rarely ever go to Lukas's school) and lucky me *major sarcasm right about here* I got to break Mark's heart when I told him. I got to be the one who made him cry. I am just so fed up with it all I wouldn't have minded being the one who had to comfort him Mark after he found out if I hadn't been the one who had to tell him. I can never stand causing him pain and to see his heart break, well it's breaks mine. I feel responsible for the hurt that it caused him and I haven't even done anything wrong this time. His mum has only been dead 3 months. Rachel or her husband sees Mark every morning yet they didn't think to tell him. But in all fairness it's not her place to be telling everyone, Mark's dad should have the guts to do it himself. Or at least have the guts to be the one to tell his kids. I couldn't care less what he's doing, I have been saying for a long time that I thought he was having an affair anyway, but I am disgusted with the way he is going about it. His kids deserved for him to be a man and step up and explain to them that he's met someone new. Mark's mum doesn't deserve to be the subject of playground gossip. *sigh* I just wish we could move away and Lukas could go to a different school and then I wouldn't have to bother with any of them. No more petty gossip, no more backstabbing or even if there was I wouldn't have to know about it. Which bring me to

Tuesday: Nan had a hospital appoinment today, Lukas is home from school because he's sick. When Nan went to hospital she was told that she has blood pressure that's high enough to make her very likely to have a stroke. She has to have some major surgery done and will need constant care for a minimum of 4 weeks afterwards. I don't really know all the details because I didn't go with her (Lisa's friend did and she started telling me the details but 2nd hand information sucks).
Which earned me a lecture about how I need to "get off my arse and look after Nan". They don't live with her, no-one else seems to understand that Nan does what she does because she's a stubborn old bat who will not accept help from anyone, and I often swear she does everything the way she does just so she can bitch to other people about how much she does. I don't mean that to be cruel, but it is true. Here's an example for you, I will ask her if there's anything she wants doing, she will say no, she will do whatever it was and then when I come downstairs again she will moan about how much she does with no help, when you try and say that the offer of help was there she pulls the "oh, I didn't want to bother you" or the "I can do it" cards. She will never be any different the lecture also touched on instead of you being upstairs and ignoring her all day, she doesn't like me downstairs when I go down to see her I get the amateur dramatics frequent phrase choices include "i'm too ill to talk", "I feel like I have a brain tumour" and my favourite "I go to work and do all that, feeling like this". These are usually accompanied by deep sighs, much waving of her arms and her stomping around. I love her and I am worried about her more than I care to admit. But put yourself in my place, how would you feel if you were told the person you loved like a mum, was so sick she needed all of these different treatments etc urgently, but she wasn't going to have it done until after Lisa gets back from holiday, because "she needs to be here, to take care of me". I told her I would take care of her and her answer, was that "oh I can't depend on you because your always sick, Amanda (Lisa's friend) said she would help." I guarantee when she has her surgery everything I try and do for her will be wrong, I will be criticised left and right by everyone. You ask why I am willing to bet money on it? Call it past experience, I know what she's like when she's been told to stay in her chair, I know what she was like when she was ill. I know how critcal Lisa is of me and how I am damned if I do and damned if I don't no matter what I do. As far as Nan is concerned the world revolves around Lisa and it always has. She's delayed hospital appointments by weeks because it was conveinient for Lisa to take her, when she's been really ill she's refused to let me call a doctor because "Lisa can't come with me". I've offered until I am blue in the face to do stuff for her, to go places with her but she always wants bloody Lisa. If your wondering why Lisa's friend went to the hospital with her, Lisa was busy so she arranged for her friend to go instead, I offered and I was told "Oh no Lisa's already arranged everything". Lisa's other friend is taking Nan to the doctors in the morning and again I offered to go with her and got a No in response. So right now my heart is hurting, I started living here because Lisa said she wasn't to be left alone, I went along with it to keep the peace. I'm supposed to be here for the purpose of looking after her, but she won't let me do anything for her. I've risked my marriage over and over again because I fought with Mark to stay here, but I wonder why stay where I am not needed or as I have said from past posts somewhere I don't even feel wanted. Mark loves me but he's miserable here, the truth is so am I. I am tired of offering my assistance and being turned down, I feel useless and I really don't need anyone else to make me feel that way. Yet still I resist moving out, on the off chance that Nan will need me, I worry that she will fall and no-one will be there to pick her up but heck she would probably dial Lisa on her mobile before she called me from upstairs. God I am more bitter about all this than I thought I was, all I want to do is take care of her the way she took care of me, yet even though I make her my priority, I care about her with all my heart I just don't come close to her self centred, do everything to suit herself, never runs Nan anywhere with out bitching about it, talks about Nan behind her back, come in and trashes Nan's house because she doesn't want to take her damn kids home to her own house, invite all her friends into Nan's house like it's a coffeebar, drop my kids off especially conor overnight even when Nan's ill, precious bloody Lisa. All my life I have tried to get on with her, and all my life she has grated on my last nerve, I've watched as she has treated Nan like dirt, used her as a babysitter and so much more and the whole time, no matter what she has done she has remained Nan's golden girl, the one who can do no wrong. While I have always been the one who can never do anything right so why I am here? I don't expect you to have an answer I don't have one myself, maybe I am just a glutton for punishment who does stupid things in the name of "love". Or more likely I am just plain insane!

Sometimes I hate computers!!

I had plans for today, to get lots of scrapping done. This is all I have managed because earlier this afternoon my computer started making a weird noise. Mark seems to think it's my C: drive that's causing the problems. This happens to be my operating drive, but we have had plans to replace it for a while (not because there was anything wrong with it just because we wanted something bigger lol). But it's not quite as simple as just removing the drive, we have to move everything off of one of my internal drives, so that it can become the operating system until we buy a new one when Mark gets paid. So I have spent the day I planned to be scrap filled, copying files, moving files, swearing at the machine, and generally just feeling really pissed off about everything. I am so sick of computer issues. Marks, mine and if it's not computers it's mobile phones (please don't ask i'm really not in the mood today). Anyway enough moaning, here's the one layout I did manage to complete before the computer issues made for another Spin-A-Lift challenge at Sweet Shoppe Designs. This is an older kit and a photograph I found of Lukas and scanned in. I used to love my polaroid camera but I so wish I had dated the photographs lol. I'm a bit spolit by my digital cameras I like having either the date on them or the date they were taken in the properties it's really helpful when it comes to scrapping but oh well sometimes an undated photograph is better than no photograph at all. I'm actually pretty proud of this layout.

Spin-A-Lift (Flipped Horizontally) of ZaCola3's Wonderful You found here

Credits: Layered template (Count To 4, Template 1) by Darcy Baldwin, Sleigh Bells Ring by Dani Mogstad and Traci Reed and I Love Felt Actions by Tandika Star. Font is DJB Erika by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads: Dear Santa, This year for Christmas I would like nothing more than to learn how to sit up all by myself. Mummy has laid me here looking cute, but it's driving me insane that all those decorations are just out of my reach. They really are just begging to be touched and played with. Love and dribble Lukas xxx

Enabling: I will add this later, I know I still haven't done the previous ones but I will get to it.

From Our Blog To Yours - Colour Quiz

Sorry I just can't do it, the proper title should be spelt with no u but I just can't help myself from spelling it the way I was taught and the way I think is right, the spelling we use in the UK. Now that I have explained that let's get on with it, the prompt this time was a link to a quiz. I am off to do that now and then i'll come back and post the results. I hope this is easier to post than some of the other quizzes I have done before lol. I can never seem to get them to work on here. Ok I got it to work right in internet explorer so here are the full results *fingers crossed*

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Wants to make a favorable impression and be reward..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Your Existing Situation
Orderly, methodical, and self-contained. Needs the respect, recognition, and understanding of those close to him.

Your Stress Sources
Eager to make a good impression, but worried and doubtful about the likelihood of succeeding. Feels that she has a right to anything she might hope for, and becomes helpless and distressed when circumstances go against her. Finds the mere possibility of failure most upsetting and this can even lead to nervous prostration. Sees herself as a 'victim' who has been misled and abused, mistakes this dramatization for reality and tries to convince herself that her failure to achieve standing and recognition is the fault of others.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to become emotionally involved and able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity. Emotionally inhibited. Feels forced to compromise, making it difficult for her to form a stable emotional attachment. Feels trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way of gaining relief. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity providing no turmoil or emotional agitation is involved. Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.

Your Desired Objective
Wants to make a favorable impression and be rewarded as a special personality. Is therefore constantly on the watch to see whether she is succeeding in this and how others are reacting to her. this makes her feel that she is in control. Uses tactics cleverly in order to obtain influence and special recognition. Susceptible to the esthetic or original.

Your Actual Problem
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, and she is distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationship. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.

I really have nothing to say today,

I scrapped this layout and slept I really didn't do anything else. Truth be told sleeping and scrapping seem to be all I have done lately apart from taking painkillers here and there oh and drinking, no not alcohol lol I am just thirsty all the time right now I am getting through about 8/10 litres a day. So when I am not scrapping/sleeping I am either refilling my water bottles or making frequent trips to the toilet, fun times lol. The pain in my stomach is becoming unbearable more often, I really do think it's time to stop putting off that doctors appointment. It's just there always seems to be more important things to do, it never seems to get fitted in. *sigh* I am tired of everyone nagging at me to go to the doctors they just don't understand it's not that simple. Finding a day where we can afford the bus fair, and I feel like I have enough energy to drag all the way there and then drag all the way back is almost impossible, I know I really need to change to the closer doctors but the irony is it would be the same issues, some days oh alright most days lately I can't even find the energy to get dressed.
Anyway here's the layout I have to show you, maybe tomorrow will be a better day, I can hope can't I. This one was created for the Treat Of The Month challenge at Sweet Shoppe Designs.
Scraplift of Still Moment by Karen Wong (Hom74)
Credits: Layered template by Karen Wong (TDC Sketch Challenge 52 9th November 2007), Curled Border Templates and actions (Template 1) by Marcie Reckinger and Traci Murphy and Stealing Prince Charming by Traci Reed. Font is GG Basic by GG Digital Designs (The Golden Girls).

Journalling reads:There is no love like the love for a brother, there is no love like the love from a brother - Astrid Alauda.

I haven't done one like this in a long time.

I made it for the latest Sugar Free Challenge at Sweet Shoppe Designs, the topic this time was heartbreak. There's nothing more heartbreaking for me than losing my angel babies. This one was made for Gaiebraille, but I have already started messing around with journalling for one for Leo and one for Ambrose. I decided to upload this without a picture because I can't decide whether to use the ultrasound, the funeral or the picture of the ashes, plus I don't actually remember where I have put them, I know I put them somewhere I wouldn't find them by accident and neither would Lukas but beyond that I am clueless. I went for a mixture of pink, blue and yellow because we weren't sure of the sex. Hope that helps explain it a bit.

Credits: Layered template by Bree Clarkson (inspired by Karen, template 2) and Yesteryear: Baby Collection by Julie Billingsley. Fonts are DJB Nicole, DJB My Dear Marsha, and DJB A Bit Of Flaire by Darcy Baldwin, Gigi, Mr. Wade, Shelley-Volante Script and Scriptina.

Title: Gaiebraille our 1st angel baby.
Journalling reads: I used to think my heart had been broken before, but I soon realised that before you everything was just cosmetic damage, minor scratches on my soul. But you, were the first one to break my heart into a million pieces and use the shards to rip my very existance into confetti. I remember the exact moment that you did it you now, and no matter what else came after you were the first and the first cut is always the deepest. I shouldn't blame you, I mean you were dead you couldn't have done anything to help me but in my mind it was your fault and for a while I hated you for it. When they told me I didn't cry you know, I was determined they wouldn't have that power over me but before it was all said and done they didn't just see my tears sometimes they saw the shattered remains of my heart spread out for them to examine, to pass judgement on. Nobody will ever understand why I cried so hard for the loss of you. But then no-one else knows my secrets do they, no-one else knew how much you were my hope for the future. There was no cloud over you there wasn't any doubts that you might be part monster because you were definately not created by force you were made with 100% love. You were supposed to make everything better, but you almost destroyed me. I know you made my soul unbreakable, nothing could ever hurt me as much after you. I wouldn't have gotten through losing Leo without you. But I still wish every single day that I never had to hear those words, I never had to endure that pain, I never had to learn those lessons. Every single day I miss you and the part of me that you took with you. I wish i'd gotten to know you as more than just being my heartbreak. I loved you then I love you still, always did and I always will. Gaiebraille Charlett Blake.
Pink Tag: It's hard to say goodbye before you even have a chance to say hello. Unknown. 17th Feb 2003.
Blue Tag: Given wings to soar but never far from our hearts.

Enabling: I really don't feel like doing it now, I might add it later if not i'll do it tomorrow.

No-one can say I am not strange

I came across these photos earlier and realised I have never scrapped them, they were taken the night we had a bbq (on a disposable bbq lol) and slept in the tent - in the garden lol. It wasn't all bad, except for the airbed going down and the unbearable heat lol we plugged the laptop into the plug in the shed and watched dvd's on the laptop, I said I would do camping I never said anything about roughing it lol, we even went indoors and used the fridge and toilet during the night lol. So I scrapped some of them with the template for Chrissy's latest template challenge, the kit was available in Chrissy and Angie's Grab bag over the NSD weekend. I kind of um lost it lol I couldn't remember where I had moved the files to so I am only just getting around to using it. But I usually find things eventually (usually when I am looking for something else rofl).Credits: Layered template (Forum Challenge 11) by Chrissy W, A Boy Outdoors (slightly recoloured) by Angie Kovacs and Gettin' Textured 03 Overlays by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Fonts are 4990810 and DJB Lorraine Bold by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads: I bet not many little boys can say they have camped outside in the garden in a tent all night!

Enabling: A Boy Outdoors by Angie Kovacs available here, Gettin' Textured 03 Overlays by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here. 4990810 available here I can't seem to find DJB Lorraine Bold sorry. You can find all the details on Chrissy's template challenge including the download link here.

Time for a proud mummy moment

You know sometimes when your kids do something and you just feel like your heart is going to burst with pride? For some people it's that first time their little one sleeps through the night (never had that problem my boy is lazy with a capital L lol), or they use the potty for the 1st time (don't really remember him using the potty I was so upset about Leo that area in his life really is a bit of a blur), they finally give up that dummy (he never had one thanks to our shared latex allergy that he's now outgrown lucky sod lol), or they stay dry for the whole night (I don't ever remember him having a wet bed unless he was ill or the pull up pants leaked lol) or maybe it's when they finally throw away their bottle (now that one I do remember that wasn't a proud mummy moment that was an oh, crap am I making the biggest mistake of my life because this is going to come back and bite me later moment lol). Sure I was proud of all those things, but that's the beauty of kids no matter how old they get there is always going to be something they can do that makes you feel like you are going to burst with pride. Today's just happened to be that he's finally learnt to read! He came home with his reading book and since it's a rare good day for me I decided that I would actually do his homework with him (it's a long story and one that's not for today), so I dragged it all out of the back and was amazed that he know has reading, spelling, writing and maths homework to do. I handed him the reading book fully intending to do our usual of Lukas pointing out every single thing on every page and me reading the words, but before I could sit on the bed next to him, he started to read it all by himself. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, it's a hell of a moment when you realise that the extra help he's been getting for his "special needs" (don't get me started on that one please) is finally starting to do something except piss me off lol. It amazes me that he's been at school for nearly 3 years (reception, foundation and this is year 1) and they have finally caught on to the fact that he's not stupid he's lazy. He can do anything if he's in the mood to do it. I used to get so sick of all the letters home about Lukas tries but he's not really making any progress, Lukas can't do this or Lukas struggles with that. Some of the things they said he can't do I know he can because I taught him how to do them ages ago. But this is finally proof that whatever it doesn't matter what speed he is getting there at he is moving forward, he is getting better and he is learning and that makes me happy, very very happy. He's currently out, gone for a happy meal with Lisa, Gary and Ella. Sometimes I hate that he is so willing to go off with other people, it often leaves me feeling that he doesn't want to be around me but maybe I am just being paranoid, I guess it's hard for him to realise that I miss him when he's not here, and it hurts my feelings when he's really eager to go with other people. I'll tell you a secret sometimes I hate that school has made him so independant, I wish he would be a little more clingy and want his mummy, but what can I say I am selfish sometimes, yep selfish and human I just want him to be all mine and not have to share him with anyone else lol. It's hard when the school gets him for 6 hours a day and the 6 hours a day that he's mine are boring and dull I mean really what would be appealing about homework, bath-time, getting undressed and bedtime. He prefers the company of his playstation, his toys, and the TV over company from me. I mean I am the nagging mummy, the one who tells him he has to eat his dinner and go to sleep. But the school they get 6 hours of his full attention, they get to praise him when he does good things and reward him with stickers, and i'm not afraid to admit I am jealous. I hate that I have to share him with them or anyone really, but I also hate that we really didn't ever have that time when it was just him and me, before he went to school he had a mummy who was sick and for the majority of it grieving. The 1st miscarriage (Gaiebraille) destroyed my spirit, I wasn't half the mummy I should have been to him because I was just so damn sad, then I was pregnant with Leo and I was really sick in and out of hospital all the time. Then when Leo was finally born we had SCBU to deal with and then he died and that bought about a whole new set of problems, dealing with Lukas's grief on top of my own and Marks and it's pretty much been a rollercoaster ride ever since. Way more downs than ups losing the 3rd baby (Ambrose), losing Mark's mum and so much more in between. I missed out on the chance to be proud of Lukas just for being Lukas. Now everything that I am ever going to be proud of him for is going to be because of someone else - his teachers. He's going to learn and grow and become whatever he becomes in spite of me not because of me and that makes me a little sad, I wish I was the one who had taught him to read, not some stranger. But all I am is his mummy, the one whose often sad and nearly always sick. I'm damn proud of him and I always will be I just wish once I could feel proud that he did something because of me, because I did a good job rather than a good enough job. Guess that doesn't really make sense to anyone but me, I should be happy, so why am I crying?

I've got something to tell you

and No I repeat No I am not pregnant! lol Do you remember the last layout I showed you (scroll down to the post under all the yumminess lol) that layout got chosen as Layout Of The Week on the Sweet Shoppe Designs blog, I've had layouts of the day at other sites and a layout of the week and they were all really special to me, but for this one I got a prize, a gift certificate for the store, which I used towards picking up a kit I couldn't really justify buying for myself because I don't have many baby photos to scrap - Yesteryear: Baby Collection by Julie Billingsley. It's just so cute and who knows maybe one day I might have some cute little baby photos to scrap with it, I can always beg for some of Ella or Conor from Lisa lol or maybe I can make baby cards with them I don't know. I just know that I liked it, I wanted it and now it's mine and that makes me happy.
I'm really getting into doing the challenges at Sweet Shoppe Designs, it feels good to scrap something that isn't a CT assignment. Please don't misunderstand me when I say this, I love my CT's I really do and I am still really sad that I had to resign from Royanna's team but sometimes I feel like I try really hard to make layouts using their products, I work on them for hours and then when they are done they don't look as good as I thought they would and I am disappointed. When I scrap with things that aren't CT assignments, I seem to like the end result more, and usually they come together a lot easier. Like my ADSR layouts, I think some of those are my favourite of all of the 100s of layouts I have done. This layout I am going to show you was made for the Spin-A-Lift challenge at Sweet Shoppe Designs, this one is a scraplift with a difference, they pick a scrapper and you can choose any layout from their gallery to scraplift, but you have to spin it. For this round the scrapper chosen was Jennilyn she has some very very cool layouts, and I was a little spoilt for choice. But I kind of feel in love with this one and already having the template she used just made it even better. I used one of the kits I picked up on Saturday, how shocking is that I not only used something I bought but it's less than a week old lol. Now here's my confession I haven't really been in a scrapping sort of mood lately, I started this layout on Sunday, it's not complicated and I knew exactly what I wanted to do with it, but I have been spending a few minutes here, a few minutes there and just not really been motivated to finish it. I feel like I am letting my CT's down lately because I am not scrapping very much and what I am doing seems to be stuff like this, challenges etc. Usually making a layout using stuff laying around on my harddrive inspires me to create other layouts, 1 challenge layout usually translates into 2/3 CT layouts. Hopefully I will find my CT scrapping inspiration again soon, I hate to let them down. I think a lot of my lack of motivation has to do with my shoulder playing up it hurts to type so I have been staying away from the computer a bit more than I usually do, I've also been taking painkillers to help and for some bizarre reason they seem to be making me really sleepy at the moment normally painkillers don't do hardly anything on me, but I have found that a combination of asprin and ibruprofen takes the edge off my shoulder, enough to make it tolerable. The heat also doesn't help it's really been too hot to do anything, today is cooler but it's still too warm. It's way too bright though even with my curtains closed, i'll be glad when the sun finally does go down tonight, maybe then I will get something done lol. Right now I am off to give Lukas a bath and get him undressed for bed, I might be back if I get chance but for now I will leave you with my spin-a-lift (flipped horizontally) of Jennilyn's Breaking The Habit found here. Credits: Layered template by Cindy Schneider (Cookie Decorating 101 26th March 08), Ablaze by Eva Kipler, 3 up Frames by Nancy Comelab (found in Party In A Box 2007) Stamped Script Alpha Brushes,School Time Alpha and Sleigh Bells Ring Alpha (from Sleigh Bells Ring collab by Traci Reed and Dani Mogstad) all by Traci Reed. Stock Photo (The End) by wax115 from Stock XChng.Font is DJB Nicole by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads: I have never been a smoker, growing up with my chain smoking mum and dad was enough to make me never want to start, but when I met you I knew you did. I hated that you did with a passion and frequently told you so at least once everytime we went out together. But we were just friends back then so as much as I wanted to I didn't have the right to tell you how to live your life (still don't but that doesn't ever stop me does it). you changed from cigarettes to tobacco and papers, to slow down your smoking. Then eventually my nagging got to you and you decided to try and quit. I was supportive (well I think so) and I believed you when you said you had stopped. Of course when I found out you had been lying to me I didn't take it well. We argued about it a lot and I even threw you out of the house. You went back to your parents and carried on smoking yourself into an early grave. I hated that you would do anything that meant I might lose you sooner than I had to, but I hated it more that you were not only choosing to do this to yourself but you were doing it to us (me and Lukas), and we didn't choose it! Right now we are trying the quitting route again and I'm hoping for the best, I really want nothing more than to believe you when you say you haven't slipped up but it's hard to trust you. I'm trying to believe in you though, and keeping my fingers crossed that you will succeed and finally be smoke free!

Enabling: Ablaze by Eva Kipler available here, Stamped Script Alpha Brushes,School Time Alpha and Sleigh Bells Ring Alpha all by Traci Reed available here, here and here. DJB Nicole by Darcy Baldwin available here. 3 Up Frames by Nancy Comelab are part of this giveaway on her blog they were previously found in the Party In A Box at Designs by Dani. Layered template was for Cookie Decorating 101 number 31 all the details including the download link can be found here.

From Our Blog To Yours - Childhood Crushes

Those of you who know me will already be aware that I like to talk lol. I like to ramble away on my blog. But sometimes I don't have anything to talk about, I mean there's only so many times I can whinge about Mark or Nan before even I don't want to read it anymore lol. When you have not much a life you don't really have a whole lot to talk about, so the idea of someone else giving me a topic to ramble away about really really appeals to me lol. Keep reading I have almost got to the point lol, yes I know that's quick for me lol. I saw on the Sweet Shoppe Designs Blog that every week they do something called From Our Blog To Yours, they write something, a prompt usually and you reply to it on your blog and leave them a link. Doing this not only gives me something to talk about they give everyone who does it 1 sweet reward point (now don't ask me about those because I don't fully understand how they work) I get that for doing certain things like challenges they give you points, these points are awarded per month and somehow these points translate into store discount but to be honest how that part works escapes me a little lol. But for now I am more than content to do challenges just to actually use the masses of stuff I have bought and things like this just well just because lol. I guess I like talking even if I am only talking to myself lol. This weeks prompt was Childhood Crushes. It wasn't that long ago I had posters on my wall to be honest if Mark didn't live here I probably still might lol. I used to have posters of Ronan Keating on my bedroom walls, when I met Mark I just kind of downsized to a calendar with his pictures on it, lol I mean really what do you expect from someone who bought her son a John Cena poster for his bedroom and frequently goes in there when he is at school to look at it lol. If I could get one of my own to put inside my cupboard door I would lol. Let's see apart from Ronan Keating and John Cena who would I like posters of well Julian Mcmahon is pretty hot and so is David Boreanaz, T.W King is pretty easy on the eyes too and so is Brian Krause, I have a bit of a thing for Kyle Busch and I will happily admit that Mr Jon Bon Jovi gets better with age the shorter his hair the better as far as I am concerned lol. Then there's always those yummy speedway riders Lukas is named after lol Lukas Dryml, Andrew Appleton, Mark Loram and Leigh Adams (well technically the family thinks that the Andrew and Mark parts come from our parents my dad is Mark and Mark's Dad is Andrew, but i'm not going to tell them different am I lol) Anyway I will leave you with some pictures, or maybe I will just leave them for me to look at all by myself lol.
Ronan Keating


John Cena


Julian McMahon


David Boreanaz


T. W King


Brian Krause


Kyle Busch


Jon Bon Jovi (sorry I couldn't find anything more recent)


Lukas Dryml


Andrew Appleton


Mark Loram


Leigh Adams


Wow that was a lot of fun too do, oh well at least now I have all of these hotties in one place, I won't have to google them when I am feeling depressed lol.

Cookie anyone?

cookie decorating that is lol, I created this layout for the Cookie Decorating 101 (They give you a template based on a layout from the gallery so it's kind of a scraplift and template challenge combined) I decided earlier that since I spend so much at Sweet Shoppe Designs I really should start taking part in their challenges so that I am actually using it lol. The Sweet Rewards are a great incentive too! This one actually looks nothing like the original template I added quite a bit of stuff to it lol. I wanted to use slightly more than the blue bits of the kit but Lukas had a bit of a tantrum that he wanted it all blue! I was able to get him to compromise on some parts though lol.
Credits: Layered template (Cookie Decorating 101 6th May 08) by Aggie Aviso, Paper Cutters Large Scallops by Chrissy W and Littlest Bake Shop by Amanda Slagle (Mandabean), Dani Mogstead and Fee Jardine.

Enabling: Paper Cutters Large Scallops by Chrissy W available here (digital candy is currently down will add the link later when it's back up again), Littlet Bake Shop by Amanda Slagle (Mandabean), Dani Mogstead and Fee Jardine available here and layered template (cookie whatever you want to call it) is still available for the challenge you can find all the details including the download link here.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother

Note to self: Bribing Lukas to get some "mummy daddy time" with your husband is not worth the effort. You will feel like a complete idiot when you go to a lot of trouble only to be greeted with a miserable husband whose not interested so it's not worth your time, and it will hurt like hell when he rejects you. Maybe it would help to tell yourself that it's not you it's him. Say that a few 1000 times and maybe it will sink in! But I am willing to bet money that it won't. Here's something else for you to think about don't be surprised if you completely ignore this advice and do it over and over again and get hurt anyway, i'll be here waiting like a good little blog, I will be ready to listen to you moan, to let you vent your frustrations and then to mockingly tell you (because i'm a bitch like that) those three words every person hates - TOLD YOU SO!
Yeah apparently removing the thing your husband says is a "distraction" to have some early morning snuggling on a Saturday Morning is not well received. I remember a time when he would have been the one waking me up and he would have had a lot more on his mind than cuddling! When did I suddenly become something that held less appeal than sleep? I can't remember the last time we had a cuddle together, I haven't felt like it for a while all these hot flushes, and pain don't make cuddles or anything else very appealing. So what does it take for a married couple to actually want to be in the same room and cuddle at the same time or is it always a case of one person being more interested than the other? It never used to be like this we used to be affectionate towards each other, always kissing and cuddling, couldn't be in a room together without touching for very long, so when did we get to the point where we can barely talk to each other let alone touch each other. I miss those trips to the park together when we used to sit and talk for hours on end, but that was before Lukas. I miss the other trips to the park from before Lukas was born as well there wasn't really much talking involved in those though lol. I can't remember the last time we looked at the stars together, or sat making tiny little campfires in the park. I miss it. But I suppose between having kids, losing kids, losing other people and living in this hell the conversation has died. Now the question remains how do I get it back? He's not interested in going out for a meal (even if we could afford it which right now we can't), I can hardly dress up for him like I used to when his parents went out for the night Nan wouldn't exactly grasp why I put on my best clothes, make-up and come do me heels in the house. It's the kind of thing that only works when it's just you in the house. I guess the question really should be how long can we carry on this way, i'm not happy with the way things are and I want to do something to change them but I just don't know what I can do. I'm trying so hard to make this marriage work but nothing I try seems to work. I wonder if any marriage could survive under the situation we are currently in but until we get our own place we have no other options, apart from moving in with his dad. That would remove the Nan issue from the problem but how solid will a marriage be when one half is living constantly on the edge that at some point they are going to be left alone in a house with a big old perv who can't keep his hands to himself. It's so far from the only family I have. *sigh* why can't anything just be simple all I want is a place of our own, close enough to Nan that I could get to her quickly if something happened, close enough so I wouldn't feel too bad about her being alone in the house but far enough away that she couldn't make my life a living hell. Just somewhere that the problems in our marriage were only things we had caused ourselves. There are major cracks appearing and I am really not sure how stable we are anymore when I said my vows I meant them with all my heart but what if meaning them just isn't enough. I don't know how to make it all work, I feel as if our marriage is a sandcastle is looks stable but at the end of the day it's just grains of sand slipping through my fingers, impossible to hang on to. Does happiness really exist or is that just an urban myth?

Oh I am so disorganised

I had to take some painkillers this morning because I have really hurt my back somehow. So I slept right through Lukas being at school and was woken up at 5:30pm by Nan because Lukas was ill, apparently she had told Mark to leave me asleep, she would take care of Lukas until I got up. Let's just say he isn't well at all, and I am very greatful that I still had a full pack of training pants for him. He got into bed with me and we curled up and went to sleep, when we both woke up he started watching cartoons for a while while I tried to catch up on emails. I heard him say something and turned around only to see him throwing up on the bed. So I did what I do best, I called Mark in a panic at work and begged him to come home and sort it all out lol. I had to bath Lukas, have you ever tried to lift a sick kid with a bad back? No, well don't try it lol. Somehow I got him into the bath and washed him. Mark came home and sorted all the sick out, while he was busy scrubbing and changing all the bedding I sat with Lukas in his bedroom. Since then he has dozed for a bit, woke up been toilet again, been sick again and decided he wanted some frosties only to fall asleep before we could go and get them. He's had nothing to eat all day and I am really worried about him. If he's no better tomorrow I will probably call a doctor out for him. He's running a really high temperature. I don't like it when my little guy is sick, call me overprotective I don't care but after Leo I can't help it. So while I am sitting here watching him, I thought I may as well upload my latest layout. I made it last night/this morning (depends how you define a day lol). Since this morning I was having problems with my connection so I saved it to upload later, and this is later lol. It it doing souble duty for both the quote and colour challenges for NSD at Digital Freebies. Anyway here's the layout.

Credits: Layered template (Starting Blocks 2 Series 1, Template 2), Dress 'Em Up Frames and Angel Kisses Mini by Amy Bleser. Fonts are: CK Alis Writing, Scriptina, SP Double Doodle by Shabby Princess, CS Moxie by Carrie Stephens.

Enabling: Starting Block 2 Series 1, Dress 'Em Up Frames and Angel Kisses Mini by Amy Bleser available here, here or here, here, here or here and here. CK Ali's Writing was a freebie at Creating Keepsakes but I can't access the site right now, SP Double Doodle by Shabby Princess available here, CS Moxie by Carrie Stephens is now retired sorry.

Remember I mentioned that

Digital Freebies NSD challenges are still open in the last post? Well I decided that I may as well get busy on some of them and try and get some more of that fab free kit, I am hoping that I will get a few more done before the Friday deadline but this layout was created for the Scraplift a designer challenge. Scraplift of Looking For Ducks by Maria LaFrance found hereCredits: Layered template (Starting Blocks 3, Template 3), Rainy Day Sundays and Rainy Day Sundays Addon all by Amy Bleser and Date Stamps by Janet Phillips. Fonts are MTF Base and MTF Base Outline both by Miss Tiina.

Journalling reads: I thought it was so cute when you sat against the net on the climbing frame to just watch everything that was going on.

Enabling: Starting Blocks 3 Templates and Rainy Day Sundays by Amy Bleser available here and here, here or here. Rainy Day Sundays Addon was a Friday Freebie at Digital Freebies (will probably be added to the store eventually or you can buy a membership all the details can be found here), Date stamps by Janet Phillips was in April's Supersize Grab Bag the fonts MTF Base and MTF Base Outline by Miss Tiina can be found here and here.

Hey Monkey

Everything is taking ages at the moment, it's too hot to do anything. I've had both fans on all day long and it's still too hot someone should point out to the weather that it's too early for summer! The heat is bad enough but it's the light that really bugs me, I have had to wear my sunglasses indoors for most of today, me and bright light just don't get on, it's not too bad in my room (which happens to be the hottest room in the house lol) because I have my curtains shut all the time, but Nan likes the light, so my choices are stay up here in the heat or go downstairs wearing shades and usually trip at least once going down the stairs lol. They are really dark sunglasses but i'd buy darker ones if I could find them. See there are a lot of reasons I don't go out very often I just don't like to talk about them very much it's depressing. Lukas isn't fond of the heat either. Poor little guy I already shave his hair and he's never really got much more than a t-shirt and pants on around the house, there's really not much I can do to help him stay cool the fans annoy him. *sigh* I just wish the weather would do what it's supposed to do every once in a while. If it's this hot now how unbearable will the summer be. Nope we are not going to go there I prefer not to think about it lol. So since I couldn't do much else today I have been scrapping again, this one was for Chrissy's latest template challenge at Digital Candy. I started it when I first got the template and I stalled lol. I didn't know how to finish it, so I started on something else and today I decided to try and finish it. I remembered I had bought this super cute monkey by Kate Hadfield and found the wordart in the same folder, the alpha used in the title looked similar to the stuff in the wordart and then it all came together quite easily.
Credits: Layered template (Forum Challenge 10) by Chrissy W, Spring Fresh (NSD Freebie @ Digital Freebies slightly recoloured) contribution by Amy Bleser, Animal Pal Doodles and Tall and Skinny Alpha by Kate Hadfield. Torn Cardboard Action by Atomic Cupcake. Font is DJB Nicole by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads: Whenever you used to get out of the bath and wear the green monkey towel, we knew for certain we would soon see your inner monkey come out for a play as you ran around the house making monkey noises!

Enabling: Animal Pal Doodles and Tall and Skinny Alpha by Kate Hadfield available here and here, Torn Cardboard Action by Atomic Cupcake available here, DJB Nicole by Darcy Baldwin available here. You can find all the details of the template challenge including the download link here and as for the kit you can still collect that by doing the NSD Challenges and Scavenger Hunt over at Digital Freebies all the details can be found here.

Just a layout to share.

I was in bed most of today with another really bad migraine, but I've been working on a layout this evening, again taking ages looking for wordart (that I didn't end up using in the end lol) it gets so frustrating to spend so long looking for stuff. I really need to spend some time working in ACDSEE this week. So if you don't see me for a few days I am buried in ACDSEE relabeling and taggin hell lol. I like the end result but it's just so dull to do it I would much rather scrap then tag stuff. Mainly because scrapping has an undo button and ACDSEE doesn't! I really really hope they finally include one in the next release. Anyway here's the layout.
Credits: Layered template (Don't Be Square 8.5x11 Portrait Template 2) by Chrissy W and Bohemian Blossoms by Amy Bleser. Font is DJB Nicole by Darcy Baldwin.

Journalling reads: It was really hot outside and doing anything at all just seemed to be too hard so you sat down on the grass, and sighed every so often. It was so cute to watch.

Enabling:Don't Be Square 8.x511 Portrait Templates by Chrissy W available here, Bohemian Blossoms by Amy Bleser available here and DJB Nicole by Darcy Baldwin available here.

Im so much more productive at night

especially if there happens to be half naked violence (aka WWE) on the television. So want to see what I scrapped last night?Credits: Layered template (I'm No Square 8.5x11 Landscape Template 4), Sunshine by Amanda Rockwell and I'm Talking 'bout Baseball Wordart by Jodie McNally. Fonts are DJB Nicole by Darcy Baldwin and MTF Base by Miss Tiina.

Journalling reads: Everytime Nannie Donna went on holiday she used to take great pleasure in bringing you back some, well I will be nice and say unusual gifts. She seemed to delight in buying you the most noisy or destructive thing she could possibly find. This time that happened to be a Power Ranger Baseball bat and ball set. Not only was it a potentially lethal weapon but it made the sound of shattering glass everytime anything touched it. I can’t even start telling you how many times me and daddy came racing down to the garden thinking you had smashed the shed window or the kitchen door. You couldn’t quite get the hang of swinging it at the ball, but we had a lot of fun trying. We soon moved on to mummy and daddy hitting the ball and you chasing after it, like a dog silly boy.

Enabling: I'm No Square 8.5x11 Landscape templates by Chrissy W available here, I'm Talking 'bout Baseball Wordart by Jodie McNally available here. DJB Nicole by Darcy Baldwin available here and MTF Base by Miss Tiina available here. I haven't a clue where I picked up Sunshine by Amanda Rockwell because it's not in her ScrapArtist store sorry.