*Warning Rant Alert*

If your here for the freebie you need to go here, please feel free to go directly there and ignore this post, because it will probably contain a lot of moaning, whinging and probably crying. So by all means skip it, I just need to get some of this off my chest and no-one's awake. Now I just have to decide where to start. Tonight I am feeling very down and depressed. I hate that I have spent nearly the whole day in bed with yet another migraine. I hate that I can't remember the last time I took Lukas to school nd had to ask Nan the other night what went in his lunch because I couldn't remember. I hate that I haven't been out of the house for nearly a month and the time that I did go out was a shopping trip to Tesco's that left me wiped out and useless for nearly a week. I hate that I seem to have no real purpose on this planet anymore, Lukas sleeps in his own bed, in his own room, with no bottles and he is completely dry all night long. I should be ecstatic that he's so independant but I feel like I have made him grow up too fast because of being ill all the time. I feel like he has had to learn to take care of himself because I haven't been able to do it. I want to be able to play with Lukas and take him places. I want to be able to use a pen to write with and not be crying because it hurts so bad, I want to be able to type 100+ words a minute like I used to and scrap 100's of layouts a month. Most days I can barely manage one. I want to be able to do my own buttons up and have a bath without Mark having to sit there, I want to be able to sit on the floor like I used to and not need help getting up and I want to be able to sleep at night. Basically I just hate the existance that is my life. I want the life of a normal 22 year old mum. Im tired of being tired, Im sick of being sick. The thought of being like this for years just makes me want to die now and safe myself the pain. It never used to be this unbearable, I used to have a life that tired me out more than most people. I suppose what I really dont get is why its one thing after another all the time. If I read about it happening to someone else I would think they were exaggerating at the very least. I'm sat here in floods of tears because I have lost the faith that one day everything will be ok. Whenever I think things are getting better something else is thrown at us and I have just had enough. If there is really some kind of God/Karma out there then why cant he/she/it just leave me alone for a while. Enough already I get it that you dont like me, just tell me what the hell I did to deserve this miserable existance. I mean what have I ever done thats so bad, you win ok I am broken beyond repair is that what you wanted? Were you fed up that everything you threw at me made me stronger? Its almost easier to believe that there is a God that's making all the bad stuff happen because then there is someone to blame which is a lot easier of a situation to accept than the alternative which is there is no-one at fault and my life just sucks. Im not asking for a lottery win, or a perfect life all I want is to be able to get up in the morning spend my day actually doing something and then be able to go to sleep. I just cant take another day of living like this. I would be happy with one day where things were the way they used to be, when Nan was pleased to see me and didn't spend the whole time moaning about something Mark had/hadn't done, when Mark was attentetive and actually noticed when I didn't have the energy to get dressed. But most of all when Lukas actually needed me for something. When my layouts were full of my heart and my soul, not just fluff nice looking pictures. There's no reason for me to feel this low today, it's not one of the babies anniversaries or anyone else's. That's probably why it feels so pathetic taking the time and effort to type this even though its really hurting. If I was reading this I would probably think, Just get a life you sad cow, I'd love one thanks if you have one to offer I would be more than willing to trade with you, no offers no didn't think so. *sigh* off to try and sleep again and probably have another nightmare, I really wish I could remember what they were about then maybe I wouldn't have them.