Git who guilt trips

aka Mark.He took the day off work to look after me after an extremely bad night. Yet no looking after has occured all he has done is try and make me feel guilty and come up with stupid pathetic lies to tell work. All he has to do is tell them the truth. He works in a hospital they get the whole seizures from hell thing. Theres no need to lie he says "I have to look after Lukas" he doesn't know what he did today? He sent Lukas out for the day with his mother.
I hate being like this and when he tries to make me feel guilty it makes it worse. I wish I could be a normal person.Although I admit hes not all bad he did make me boiled egss and toast earlier and he has gone to hunt for Galaxy caramel or my favourite jelly sweets. Im too hot to concentrate on what else to write at the moment.

Missing Mooby

Thats what me and Mark call Nan, I can't remember what started it but something did and it stuck. I hate not having the option to go and see her, but I spoke to her earlier and shes having a lovely time. Got a bit sunburnt today though. I have been thinking a lot about what it will be like when shes not around I run to her for everything, it will be harder for me than losing all my limbs because shes my best friend,my substitute mum and well she's as much of my world as Mark and Lukas are. I have a great way to bring these posts down dont I lol.
Ok so onto a happier subject - shoppping I am going to show you my presents. Well I was going to show you my present but blogger screwed up all my links.
There was also a whole other section to this post about Lukas and mark arguing over the cars game but Blogger has eaten it and I dont have enough energy to retype it tonight so will add it tomorrow.
Blogger hates me!
Oh well guess it was hungry for a mindless rambling snack.

More UKS Blog prompts

So here we go with a few more blog prompts from UK Scrappers:
When you were a child, what did you want to be/do when you 'grew up'? Why? Did it happen? If not, why not? Is it too late? Were there other unfulfilled goals?
I never had ambitions to be anything when I was at school. When they used to tell me I should go to college etc etc I just used to shrug my shoulders mumble something and basically ignore them becuase what I aspired to be I didn't need college for. The only thing I ever aspired to be was really simple,I wanted to be nothing like my mum. I think I have achieved that goal because although there are times when I feel like I am failing at being a mum, I never forget that I love Lukas. I truly love him from the bottom of my heart and soul. I try and teach him to be a nice person. I don't have habits that harm him even my excesive stash spending comes after I have bought everything Lukas needs and paid the majority of the bills. lol.
I feel that although I haven't achieved much in my life its enough to do a competant job of anything I try like being a mum or scrapping. I pick up everything else along the way. Usually I learn the hard way but I think thats ok becuase all the learning experiences make me who I am.

The next one was:What were some traditions from your childhood? What traditions do you hold fast to now (new or old)? Are there any traditions would you like to maintain but don’t? If you have children or plan to have children, are there traditions you would like to pass on to them?
One of the biggest traditions that I have got from my family is being excessive. When it comes to shopping for Christmas I spend a lot. I buy vast numbers of presents because I love to give them to people and see the reaction (even if I know that certain people like Marks mum will probably boot sale it soon afterwards). Christmas to me was always about being with your family. Last Christmas I was utterly miserable because Mark had to work and I spent Christmas on my own with Lukas. I love the noise and the fun, I love Lukas's face when he sees he has a huge pile of gifts to open and I admit that some bits I wrap in silly ways to make it look more he makes me laugh how he shreds the paper throws the toy and plays with the wrapping lol. I got a tradition from Nan never to go to sleep without saying "I Love You" and always making up after a fight. Theres always a piece of me thats scared one day Nan won't wake up and I always try and make sure the last words I say to her are I love you. I have invented a few traditions of my own but most of them I wouldn't want Lukas to copy-being late and forgetting to buy birthday cards being just two of them lol. We have a new tradition thats to light a candle for Leo on his birthday and play the special song I chose for him. I hope thats something that Lukas will continue when he's older.

The last prompt for today is:Treasure chest: you have a small chest and you’re going to place things in it that symbolise who you are, important milestones, etc. so that someone years after you’re gone will look at it and see the essence of you. For example, you might place a stethoscope if you’re a doctor or medical student, a Bible if your faith is important to you, etc. Which five items would you choose and why? No photographs (though you could use a camera if you're a photographer)...just symbolic items.
I read something on my friend Suzys blog in response to this question which I thought was great she said "Dont know if this would be cheating but Id put my external hard drive in there too. Two reasons, one to show that I was into computers and two because it would give so much away about me. The music I listened to, the documents I wrote, the photos I took (see, no photos as such). My computer holds so much of my life, and I spent a huge amount of time on here, something computery would just have to go in there" I completely agree with her everything on my computer tells people who I am. Its tells them I am Digi Stash Hoarder, who loves Boy bands and love songs, who enjoys taking photographs.It contains parts of my soul with my journalling on layouts and my poems. In all honesty I would go as far as saying there is probably more memories contained in the computer than in my head. Because of the medical issues and forgetting things I rely on my notes/calendar and blog to tell me what happened when. What sums me up that isn't on my computer?
I suppose theres the dvds I like to watch - Charmed,Desperate Housewives,Scrubs,Sports Night,Dinnerladies,Nip/Tuck. Theres Lukas and Leos birth certificate and when I have one Leos death certificate. Theres a collection of school certificates and reports that don't really mean anything.There would be lots of other things, but they are the sort of things you would have to know me as a person to understand like the air holes in the crate for my teddies. When I was a little girl my mum almost smothered me with a duvet, it was an accident and luckily Nan saved my life, but since then I have always had a fear of covers of any sort of anyone/anythings head. So even now when I sleep with my bear its head has to be over the duvet and with Lukas I am even worse. Maybe a fast clock to symbolise me being late to everything and a candle in honour of the loved ones I have lost. Im a weird sort of person but weird is good because weird is Crystal I wouldn't want to be anything else.

Today is a good day to fly

Lucky nan is off on her holidays now. As I am writing this she is sat at the airport awaiting her flight. As usual there was a mass panic before she went and as usual it was caused by Lisa. The trouble this time, she never changed Conors name when she got married so his passport and the tickets malcom booked are different and can you get an airline to answer the phone on a saturday - are you having a laugh lol. Theres more chance of seeing pigs fly.
So apart from Nans minor issues. Today has been good. I got the confirmation through for Digital Scraproom and have been having fun trying to get organised.Obviously after swearing at it and saying it was rubbish lol. We had Macdonalds for dinner mmm Chicken Nuggets.
Went to see Nan and then went to Tescos. Lukas now has his Cars game for the Playstation and Mark has a new controller, I have a few new books to read and Marks bank balance is a lot lower lol.What else happened today oh I signed up for a class with Shimelle Laine, Its called Learn something new everyday. Sounds fun it looks to be aimed at paper scrappers but I will no doubt do a digital version and print it out. Project Divine also started over at Divine Digital.
This is exciting and I am really looking forward to it. I dont think I have a chance and probably wont make it past the first cut but I will have fun playing.
I got my new keyboard and it looks like it was custom made for my computer lol its black and silver. Its a lot quieter and the buttons dont stick so I am happy. Yes you did read that right I am H A P P Y! well a bit anyway. I think I am even happy enough to tackle a few more UKS Blog prompts (in their own post lol)

So wanna hear about my bad day?

Nans off on holiday tomorrow, so decided to go and see her today. As I have been feeling even more yuck today and Mark stayed home to look after me we decided to get a taxi. That was my 1st mistake. Stupid idiot nearly managed to kill us all when he pulled out in front of a van.He never even attempted to look thankfully I always belt Lukas in so he was alright a bit shaken up though. Just as we arrive at Nans, Lisa arrives with Gary,Conor,Ella and Alex. So I end up spending my visit to Nan cringing at what the kids were doing and being ignored. Lisa had also said we could borrow a dvd which she was supposed to drop off at nans a few days ago. She didn't forget it she had lent it to someone else *sigh*. So onto the taxi home driver decides he's going to run not one red light but three in succesion.Do you think the day got any better?
Nope Mark always buys me a present when he gets paid, gift of choice this month was Digiscrap Room but obviously given the day I am having they dont accept Marks card or Paypal. So had to buy it on my own card. I am so not into patience its not funny, I want instant download and gratification with everything so you can imagine my reaction to the "you will be emailed an activation code within 24 hours" message. As you can guess the day never got any better, promised Lukas Macdonalds for dinner, Mark went to get it and he has a puncture in the bike again. *tuts* so we decided pastry bake thing for dinner, would have been lovely if the oven heated level and it wasn't stone cold in the centre. (Good job it was already cooked). Lukas decided that his brand new wellies would look better if he drew on them in felt tip pen, Little monster! Luckily I only buy things I can wipe off so that was easily fixed. Julie came up with Hailie today and David with Josh bit of a bummer with the way I feel at the moment.What else oh yes the follow up email for My Digital Scraproom. Apparently I entered incorrect details, (I never I just wasn't given the option to enter them) I use my debit card way too much I can do it from memory. So as you can see my day was rubbish. Tomorrow doesn't look much more fun either. Food shopping with Lukas on a saturday *yuck*, replacing my keyboard for new computer because one supplied is pants, followed by joy of all joys tidying up and putting washing away. Also have to try and convince Lukas that grotty bear needs a wash.

Bad Bad Bad

Marks mum had her appointment with her consultant today, about the course of action they intended to pursue with her breast cancer. He has decided the best thing he can do is to perform a mastectomy. She was devastated. Then he gave her even more bad news because she had radiotherapy last time it would be a year before he could perform rescontructive surgery.
I felt like my heart broke for her when she told me. I just hugged her while she cried. Shes petrified that Andy won't want to look at her and won't love her anymore. She worships the ground that git walks on. I tried to reassure her but nothing worked. Obviously he wasn't around as per usual, they came in from the hospital and he went straight upstairs to play the computer. When I went up to try and talk to him about how sad she was he tried to touch me up again, asshole. Today is also my darling Leo's birthday. He would have been two today. I miss him so much it hurts. I want to release a balloon for him to let him know i'm still thinking of him.
Something amazing happened today though I won a prize in a photography competition.
Doesn't sound very amazing does it, but it was a picture of Leo and the competition was called Oh Angel Baby over at www.divinedigital.com you can see the picture here and the category was Best Shot of Innocence of a Baby. It made me cry when I read it. I have done a lot of crying today, it all just seems to much to take. Things just seem to go wrong one after the other. I just want some time even if its only a week in my life thats not filled with abuse, rape, assault, hurt, pain or loss. Thats not a lot to want is it?

Blog prompts on UK Scrappers

Ok so onto the latest blog prompts on UK Scrappers
Look up the meaning of your name: Does it fit? Did you want to change it when you were growing up? Do you like it now? If not, what name would you like to have? What is your nickname? How do you feel about it?
The meaning of my name is: Form of Christiana. Means follower of Christ. ROFL couldn't be more wrong really could it. I don't do religion although I don't have a single issue with people who do i'm all for personal choice. My view on abortion happens to be the same don't believe in it myself but if someone else chooses to have one thats their choice. I don't mind my name its nice that its unusual and while its not something I would have ever chosen myself my mum did and I have no desire to change it. I dont have nicknames there were lots of names I was called at school but they were insults rather than nicknames. I used to hate some of them with a passion and they made me into a very self concious person who hates her body. The name I chose for all the forums I am on sums up everything I am. Lukasmummy when I got into online forums after losing Leo I felt dejected because thats all I was, I wished I could be Lukas and Leos mummy but it wasn't to be. I was very depressed at the time. I also felt like that was all I was Lukas;s mummy no value as a person except that. Now I love that I am Lukasmummy and its good because it seems appropriate that my name to people when I am at my happiest sums up what makes me the happiest.
Which scrapbooking technique(s) have you seen and liked, but not tried yet? Why did you like it? What scrapbooking technique(s) have you recently tried for the first time? Did you like it and did it work for you
Thats an easy question for me its white space. I just can't do it. My mentality with scrapbooking is the same as it is with life - If theres space fill it.I have tried it on a few occasions but the layouts always seem to lack something for me. I liked the style because it looked classy and effortless but when I tried it I found its a lot easier to fill every available part lol. I recently tried doodles and freestyle for the first time, that doesn't work for me either theres nowhere for your eyes to rest when I do them. It just comes across as busy. I love to try new techniques sometimes they work and sometimes they don't eventually I hope that I will make one layout that I look at and say wow.

hmmm

I could have edited the last post but since this one is so different I decided not to. Ok so onto the subject of the post Lukas and blog prompts. Had to go out to get milk and decided to take Lukas to a park for a while. It was all going fine until 2 huge kids pushed in front of him for the roundabout, his usual reaction to anything like that is to just let them. He stood his ground and asked nicely if he could get on too. They reacted by taunting him and saying no. I was on the phone and quickly ended the call to go sort it out. In the time it took me to get off the phone and walk over there the change in Lukas was amazing. It was like a dark cloud passed over him he scowled and I could tell he was going to hit them. There were two kids and both were double the size of him and he didn't care. He asked politely they taunted him and he got mad. I had to pick him up and leave the park. He was fine once we got away from them and calmed down. I was worried when he went to school he would get bullied because he was so mild mannered dont think thats a worry anymore. In my heart I know he would never start the trouble but I never used to think he would stand up for himself. Its strange he's growing up fast. Actually blog prompts can have another post all to itself lol

Feel yuck

Urgh I hate feeling like this, I hate being hot and tired and feeling like I am going to throw up all the time. I dont really have anything to blog about today. I was so wiped out yesterday after being up all night I had dinner and went to bed and slept until Lukas dragged me out of bed this morning. With much begging and pleading on my part that was about 9am after Mark had woke me up at 6:30am to tell me he was going to work - like I cared I just wanted to sleep. So the being woken up many times in various different yet all still annoying ways put me in a mood. This was then followed by a few hours of mummy torture aka playing kids computer games with Lukas. Not allowed to turn the incredibly irritating and headache incresing music off or even down because attempts induced the Lukas whinging. Now the MIL is back from work and will no doubt be downstairs moaning about the mess of last nights dishes etc not being done (they're hers anyway) Stop the world I want to get off and go back to bed until the headache has gone away. I will ber back later hopefully in a better temper with a happy chirpy sort of post - yeah right lol

More Crystal Stash

I have made a few more things and uploaded some older bits if anyone wants them.
Mulberry Papers
Crystals Hana ScrapSimple Papers
Yummy Mummy Papers
Also got really into making fibres so you might see some of them in the next few days.

What now?

Big brother has finished, Its nice that Pete won I would have been happy if either Pete or Glynn had won, I am a bit sad its over it was nice to snuggle up each evening and watch that.
Oh well, everything comes to an end.The only programs I do watch now are Vroom Vroom on Sky One Tuesday nights at 9pm, A Town called Eureka Wednesday nights sky one 9pm and Buffy in the afternoons sometimes, TV is not really my thing.Contents off of both of my drives is now safe on my silver angel. Also acquired a few pictures of Hailie from Marks Dads machine. New things going on we have a new team mate over in the New Crew on UKS his name is Chris. Yes you did read that right, I think hes going to be lots of fun to have in the team, since he joined us the chat has gone back up to where it was before. I prefer not being able to keep up to having nothing to catch up on. Made some layouts today I quite like them as well. Want to see?

and theres a few others you might not have seen

What else do I have to say, I could spend lots of time moaning about the fact that Marks brother came up today, Josh was filthy as per usual and he has headlice again. How is it possible for a child whose not even 2 yet and only interacts with Lukas to constantly have nits? Lukas doesn't have them I check everytime Josh leaves, but then Lukas hardly has any hair lol.
What else can I talk about?
Lets go for a challenge being run on UKS blog prompts each day a sentance or question is posted as a prompt for your blog entry.
So the first two are: Who are the people you've met that you gained the most from? and If you could go back to about the age of 14, when you're just entering your teenage years, what 3-5 pieces of advice would you give yourself?
My answers to that would be really simple Nan is easily the person I have gained most from she is the most kind, wonderful person and I am greatful to her for everything she has ever done for me.For the advice probably
1.Don't skive off school so much,
2.Don't work in a dead end job and give your mum all the money,
3.Do something about your mum hitting you,
4.Someone who loves you won't enjoy hurting you
5.A real friend is someone who doesn't stab you in the back, those who do aren't worth the effort.
I saw a challenge earlier today asking for your favourite memory of school and I couldn't remember a single thing I liked about it. From perving teachers, to bullying, backstabbing and attempted rape whats worth remembering let alone liking. I sit here now and its clear as day applying myself at school and getting better results than I did would have meant sod all, I would probably still be ill now and I might not have the two amazing things that make my life complete, Lukas and Mark so why regret it. Apart from the being ill and having 3 angel babies at 21 I think my lifes pretty good.
I have a vast collection of online friends including the wonderful New Crew.
I work for dedicated2digital and its a lot of fun, I love to feel needed and useful.
I have a wonderful partner and son who love me for who I am, same as Nan does.
We manage with money and I can buy digital kits and stash.
Life is good - so why am I so damn miserable?

Sometimes all you need is love

Last night I got to thinking about life, deep stuff like Leo and regrets etc and as usual I ended up crying without really knowing why I was doing it. I went and climbed into bed with Mark and he did his usual magic of making everything feel better with a cuddle. We have a lot of problems but the one thing I always have is that he loves me. He doesn't care that since we have met the dress size has increased, he doesn't care that the sex has declined and he doesn't care that he comes home most days to find me either laying down or still in pyjamas because I am so tired. He still loves me. I don't know why he does but he does and that makes me feel safe.
The world could be falling down outside and as long as I was laid in his being loved I probably wouldn't notice. Reminds me of words to an old Boyzone song, "while the world is going crazy, while the sky is falling down, one thing you can depend on, I will always be around, while the rain outside is pouring I will make the sun shine through while the world is going crazy you can count on me girl because i'll be loving you. I think that requires a layout.

Where shall we start

ok so lets start with my bright idea, hook up the two drives (that Marks annoying friend has decided he wont install now, Git) one after the other as slaves. Plug in the external silver angel (my hard drive incase your confused) and copy from slave drives to external = no install needed.
so since we are having to use the machine that Mark gave to his dad (and we're not going on that moan again tonight) the old git is playing on my brand new machine. Urgh its digusting all hes done is fart loudly and scratch himself on my chair and my darling friend John has been sending me text messages to make me blush - sod. Luckily with the new organisation of my room I cant see Marks dad and he cant see me which makes it slightly more bearable. Marks mum has her consultant appointment on Wednesday so hopefully we will know what happens next after that. What else do I have to say today? I don't think there is anything still feel horrible, I could list all the things I have bought but its a blog entry not a book lol

Sometimes the order of things means nothing

and just from reading the title you can see I am in a random sort of mood today lol. The order I write things on this blog is very rarely in any sort of order of importantness. I write things as and when they occur to me. So lets get onto the moaning. Im going to start with that I feel yuck again. My throat is sore and im really hot and irritable. Im starting to think that I can't have an immune system since I always seem to be ill. Lukas is downstairs irritating the in laws. Not really something he should be doing today since the MIL has had her results back today and its not good news. I don't exactly know what they told her because as usual Mark is very vague when asked to repeat a conversation but the part I got loud and clear was its not good. Lukas has now returned to annoy Daddy his other favourite hobby. Lukas makes me laugh hes alternating between nicely stroking Marks face and pinching him at the moment, they are bargaining over something. At some point today we really need to tidy up but I cant be bothered. Mark did like my alternative suggestion on how to spend the day, but I will leave you guessing at what that was lol. I suppose the first thing I should do today is get dressed since I haven't managed that yet. Might add more stuff later.

And now we return to our previously scheduled program of moaning lol

But before we do that I would like to draw attention to some hot new digi bits and pieces East Coast Fresh Alpha, East Coast Fresh Elements, East Coast Fresh Paper Pack at www.digiscrapdesigner.com
You can see these in action on my scrapbooking blog (see this is why being part of dedicated2digitals ct rocks)
Layered sketches are something I have just dicovered and they are brilliant, although I haven't actually bought any yet. Available at quite a few sites by various designers. From the top of my head theres Traci Reed at Scrapmommies,
Jen Caputo at Plain Digital Wrapper and Laura Burger at Scrapping Garden.
For today theres nothing else that appealed to me I know shock horror and all that.
So onto the moaning, I don't think I have anything to moan about. The MIL has been out all day and I haven't done very much at all. Mark did manage to burn something in the oven and stunk the house out (MIL left a dirty tray in the bottom as usual and Mark never noticed it).
Lukas has been really good, so what do I have to moan about?
You would think the obvious answer would be nothing I just feel really down lately for no reason. Could be hundreds of reasons feel a bit under the weather, worried about the MILs test results (yes I know I said it was her own stupid fault for not going to the doctors) I know I moan about her a lot but I do actually quite like her she can be so sweet sometimes. I think I will go back to really liking her once we move back home, its almost Leo's birthday and I could carry this list on forever but I wont because theres no one reason for feeling sad. Im sure I will get over it soon or at least find something interesting to moan about so I am not just being flat and dull. LOL.

I Made A Kit (yes I know this was a previous post)

For any of you that read this you will know that this was a previous post, I am just moving things around so you can come and get the kit without the the moaning. Mark tested these links and they worked but as soon as they are finished I will add alternative download sources incase yousendit decides to be a pain again.

Embellishments:
Alpha
Flowers
Flowers 2
Eyelets
Ribbons
Sunglasses
Other

Papers:
Papers
Patterned Papers

Mats:
Plain square
Plain circle
Melon square
Flowered square

TOU and Credits:
TOU

Contact Sheets:
Contact Sheets

I have really enjoyed trying new things and creating stuff. I hope you enjoy using it.
If you do I would love to see it lukasmummy2@hotmail.co.uk a comment below would also be hugely appreciated.

Alternative download source
http://www.4shared.com/dir/691951/18758812/sharing.html

All out of words

For someone who never usually shuts up I seem to be low on words lately. Conversations with friends, instant messaging and even scrapbooking I just don't seem to know what to say anymore. But seeing now thats a different matter, I see more than I should do.
Everything I look at I see potential for layouts. I see ads in magazines and I get layout ideas. I see colours and I am mentally matching up kits, Even having a bath I see ideas on bottles and other items in the bathroom.
I am a sad strange little creature. LOL

Another Rubbish Day

Apart from that the day has been horrible, my leg is still hurting I am really tired and I just feel like I want to cry. I don't know what it is with me lately. I just cant seem to feel happy. Near tears has become a normal feeling. I hate it. I don't know what else to say.

Day in review

Remember my list of things to do today? Well lets see how many actually got done.
I never managed to do the bottles and as yet I still haven't cleared the desk, never finished writing the list but I did manage to make 5 layouts though lol.
I haven't really done much today except scrap. It was really peaceful while Mark was at work just chilled and listened to some music. I feel a bit happier today but maybe thats because I feel like I am actually getting somewhere with organising things in my life now. I might clear the desk up now while I am thinking of it.
Oh dear that almost sounds like cleaning lol

And the day just got even better

Can you hear the sarcasm there already?
After my rambling mad woman post earlier, things got interesting. We got moaned at by Marks parents for the fight we had last night (which they weren't even around to see - nosy old cow two doors down), we had another fight and then another one and I went to sleep. Woke up made bagel pizzas watched a town called Eureka on Sky One. This is where it gets slightly more interesting so keep reading. Now I could bore you with details of my non-existant love life but I am not going to, thats our problem. Went to go to a crop and it was cancelled. Managed to knock Bagel pizzas everywhere. So now wide awake, bedroom floor is covered in pizza (picked up what I could will sort the rest out when its not 3:21am lol.
The problem of the moment is easily the clumsiness and balance issues I seem to be having. I'm sure its all tied up with the sudden increase in fits/blackouts etc. I am totally utterly miserable and all I want to do is cry all the time. My mind won't focus on anything for long enough to be of any use. I am tired constantly and look I have turned into a stupid moaning mess.
I cant scrap because I cant think buying kits doesn't help. I feel like I am drowning in a sea of crap and unfinished jobs. So my plan is this make a list of 4/5imple tasks to achieve every day, mundane boring stuff, make a list of everything I have to do and tackle the jobs one at a time. Maybe if I feel more useful I will feel happier and then everything will seem easier. Vain hope but worth a try so here goes.
Daily Tasks to accomplish: (in no particular order)
1. Check Email
2. Daily Downloads
3. Update Blog
4. Vote for favourite sites
5. Get dressed
6. Pick up rubbish from desk
7. Take down bottles
8. Wash bottles
9. Sort one file / Do one layout
10. Cross things that I have done off of the list

ok so 4/5 turned into 10, but they are simple. Now onto making a list of things to accomplish tomorrow while Mark is at work. Its going to involve a trip outside on my own now why does that thought make me feel ill?
Oh yeah because I am a klutz and the last few days I have blacked out/fitted a lot more than usual and the last time they were this bad I nearly walked out onto the main road. Isn't life wonderful *insert sarcastic growl here*

Why are men so thick?

Mark has just let Lukas go out with his stupid idiot of a brother. They have gone to town. Those two are complete idiots, they cant even look after there own kid and Mark has trusted them with my precious little baby boy. Did I mention that theres currently no traffic lights and unless you are really sensible its easy to get run over. Or the fact that Lukas is walking in town on a Sunday. Lukas is my world. If anything happens to him even if its only a bloody bump/cut Mark can forget sex for the next millenium infact I will cut it off and feed it to him!! Yes I admit it I am hysterical and I don't care. I feel better now I have ranted that out.

After I wrote that I sat and sobbed. Im a bit pathetic when it comes to Lukas. I just couldn't bear anything happening to him. I love him with every ounce of my being. Mark thinks I am, being silly and thats tough, he doesn't understand. When Lukas is somewhere that I dont know is safe I feel like I have had my heart and sould ripped away. I panic and I cant help that. All I want to do is protect him. Truth is I feel like I failed Leo I feel like I never protected him enough and Lukas is all I have left. No-one understands how I feel when hes not around when I cant check on him in so scared something will happen to him. I hate it when he goes to nursery but at least hes safe there not like with those two idiots. While they stop to light up a bloody fag he could wander off and anything could happen to him. Im his mum and I know him better than anyone and the little sod still scares me on occasion.

Day from hell

Are you really surprised considering it involved the ultimate bat out of hell - My Mother!
But we will get to her in a minute.
Got up this morning after another bad night of stupid fits and stuff. No idea why they have got violent again all of a sudden. But that doesn't matter its becoming a regular occurance and we are getting used to it. Trying to do a nice thing and run the party box around to the little boy a few doors down. I fell over the crappy uneven path they installed. I seriously wonder why I try and do anything nice it always bloody backfires on me.

So we are now on way to Nans with that hurting and we go into Marks and Spencers and buy his cakes he had two one is the Cars one he wanted (that I want to scrap lol) and the other is so we can cut pieces of cake for the kids. I get to Nans and shes there Nans upset and I bite my tongue. She finally leaves and I get to ask Nan why shes upset. My mother has ripped up her little fencing she loves and thrown it away because apparently its "rubbish".
Shes watered Nans plants and ruined them and shes made Nan cry because of talking to her like shes an idiot, telling her she can't have her lights etc in the garden. Yes she can because they are specialist outdoor ones. For those of you that don't know Nan is a light fanatic the house is full, the garden is full and Christmas the house looks like Blackpool illuminations lol.
So we finally light Lukas's cake and take a few pictures.

Then add the final bits to the party boxes and head to my mothers. From the moment we walk into the house we get spoken to like crap. Not one of the kids except Aidan actually said Thank you. My mother makes nasty comments about everything she can think of and I again make the mistake of trying to be nice. "Lukas has a brand new pair of trousers I bought for Yvonnes funeral but they dont fit him, would you like them for Aidan" I may as well have just said please insult me. Her delightful response "Huh spose Lukas's ass is too f*****g fat for them" (I could swear in my blog but I am not her!) I hate her with all my heart and soul I really do. There was one small part of the day which made me smile she said to Lukas "Give me a kiss for your money, or i'll have it back" his response - "No, don't want to you can have it". I nearly died trying not to laugh out loud at him.
Got home and had a massive row with Mark. We have made up now but its not the point. So I feel yuck and I am tired, tomorrow is another day though and since she wont be in its bound to be better lol. But the worst thing is August is the month for birthdays in our family. So this month I am going to have to see her at least a few more times. My stepdad's birthday is the 8th, Her anniversary and Aidans birthday is the 9th, Callums birthday is the 15th and Jade and Kyle's birthday is the 20th. Thats 4 more visits to that hell hole in one month, I think I might need those anti-depressants after all. The only positive from today is I got some pictures of the kids which is nice evn though the baby hates me and he scowled at me the whole time I was there even when I was feeding him chocolate.

From Left to Right: Daniel, Aidan, Kyle, Callum, Jade and Keisha.

My family are horrible but I still miss being able to go and see the kids and playing with them. Makes me realise how nice Marks Mum and Dad are to me, even though I moan about them a lot they are a lot nicer to me than my mum is. I mean Marks mum even cleaned up that time I was sick everywhere in the middle of the night. My mum wouldn't have done that. I forgot to mention about Joshua didn't I, when we had had him to stay before (time before last) his groin area and his um boy bits were swollen and red, I mentioned this to them and said to get it checked at the doctors, thinking he might have just fallen over or something. They have only just taken him and theres a hole in one side, which has been letting fluid in. I haven't seen Josh this week but it must be really bad if they have finally taken him to a doctors. He has to go and see a paediatrician. Hate them as well. They dont bloddy deserve to have him. I so wish he was mine. I really miss Leo at the moment and so does Lukas. It winds me up that there are so many people who don't care for their kids and yet those kids don't die. Life sucks and on that note I am going before this entry turns into a book.

So the little man is now 4!

Well Lukas's birthday was definately something to remember. Both me and him were asleep until 4pm me because I couldn't sleep last night because I felt ill and him because he was tired after Mummy waking him up at 8am lol. Mark went to my house to pick up the party boxes (he's not actually having a party but I have done up party boxes) and couldn't find them. Did I forget to mention that the camera batteries have died so not only did we sleep for most of the day but I have no pictures at all of the day. No waking up, opening presents, being happy nothing. Gutted would be a bit of an understatement. So anyway, once we were up and went downstairs and Haile and Julie were here she had the cutest little pink top on so I had to do it I couldn't resist yep you guessed it chocolate biscuit lol. She was covered from head to foot bless her. Shame I dont have pictures of that either. So bright idea time lets go to Macdonalds on the roundabout as something different to do. Two buses one a double decker (lukas's favourite) instead of the usual one to the local macdonalds. We had happy meals and ice creams. Batman came too lol. Then we headed off to Nans. If you saw the previous post you will know she bought him a car bed for his birthday. Its massive about the size of the double air bed we used in the tent! He had a complete mental when we said he couldn't take it home with him. Can you guess what happened next?
Yep thats right we caved in so hes now sleeping on the air bed insert on his bed and no doubt dreaming of tomorrow when Daddy has promised to put up the tent in the garden and blow up the car part so he can play in it. He's dropped in a request for Josh to stay as well. I hate saying no to him when he asks things like that and he knows it, little monkey. We'll see Josh is a lot of hard work and I feel horrible at the moment. Now onto presents he got some cars and £20 from my mum, £5 from my brother and Marks sister bought him an outfit (don't like it as a set green top brown shorts) If he wore it like that he would look like a tree but they are nice seperately. Nan bought him some denim jeans and some denim shorts he loves them. He's so vain when it comes to clothes lol. Nan also wrapped him up a book and some Car stickers for his sticker album so hes done really well for presents. He loves everything. Poor little man he was so overwhelmed by everything im glad our gifts were already out of the way. I forgot to mention the cake I packed all the party boxes up earlier and then stuck a candle into a little sponge cake for him. Three rounds of Happy birthday to you and 4 relights of the candles so he could blow them out think it was the highlight of his day lol. He's having his birthday cake tomorrow when I take him to see my mum and the kids which was the plan for today. Have to get some more camera batteries on the way down. Mark says we can have a fun filled weekend and he will take lots of pictures to make up for today, sweet of him to say that because he hates going out at the weekend (usually plans it around what sports on and I have to drag him shopping lol)
So whether Josh stays or not we will have at least a park visit or two and lots of photo opportunities. Im tired now so off to bed need as much strength as I can mange for going to my mothers.

I want to marry my new computer lol

Its so yummy. I think I have died and gone to heaven!
It came at 7:55am this morning, Mark set it up for me while I had a sleep - yes another night of being awake.
Its black and silver and so fast. Makes me want to compare the old one to a typewriter.
I could of course go on for hours about my new computer but I won't bore you with that (although I might make a layout about it lol).
So before I start weeping at the thought of my little man being 4 tomorrow, I will show you what I won at Divine Digital the other night.
http://divinedigital.com/divineboutique/index.php?main_page=product_info&manufacturers_id=1&products_id=335
Isn't it lovely!
Will also show you whats new at dedicated2digital this one was one of last months club kits at www.digitalfreebies.com
http://www.dedicated2digital.com/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=163 and theres a matching alpha http://www.dedicated2digital.com/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=164. Ok time to bore you senseless with talk about Lukas's birthday tomorrow.
We went to Tescos earlier to get a cake but they looked gross so will pick one up tomorrow morning at Marks and Spencers. The one he wants is Cars The Movie. Lukas wanted a party but he's not having one didn't stop us spending loads in Tesco on stuff for party boxes for my brothers and sisters, Conor and Ella and Hailie and Josh. We are also obviously doing one for the birthday boy and one for the little boy Lukas plays with a few doors down. He has his main present from us the other day that way he got a chance to ride it and Mark got to make all the necessary adjustments. Want to see a picture? Tough if you said no because I am going to show you anyway lol. Ignore that he has no helmet on he does have one and he was wearing it after that shot was taken, we were just adjusting the straps and that was too cute of a picture lol.Nans got him a car bed inflatable thing (can you tell I haven't seen it lol) Lisa bought him adorable little Bart Simpson Pyjamas and the gift Marks brother got has to go back because Lukas already has it lol. I know Marks mum has bought him Cars The Movie cars and something like Lego (silly woman will get no sympathy when she stands on it!) He has money from my Grandma bless her, have to remember to pay the cheque in because no matter how many times I point out he has his own account she always makes them payable to me.
Tomorrow we are off to Nans will probably spend the day there and no doubt he will have Cards and stuff from my Mother. Oh joy a visit to the wicked witch, oh well at least I can get some pictures of the kids.
I was thinking earlier about what I was doing this time 4 years ago, I remember we went to tescos and did loads of shopping and walked back to my house while dragging the trolley full of stuff. Yes I know that its wrong to "borrow" trollies but seemed like a good idea at the time. I am toying with the idea of a page about that lol. So I seem to have run out of interesting things to talk about, Im sure I will be back tomorrow to bore you with all the mundane details of Lukas's birthday (I never said you had to read it lol)

Divinely cool

I just went to the closing chat at www.divinedigital.com for the Jingle Jam celebrations. They had a little game where you were asked a question and you had to pm the answer to Royanna. Well I won a prize. When she said Lukasmummy, I even typed "what have I done now" lol. Then someone pointed out I had won. Yay really happy now.
So today has been a bit up and down. Felt yucky all day and have been asleep for most of it.
Worst of all my computer never came. I was really looking forward to it arriving.
Oh well theres always tomorrow.