Saturday, April 10, 2010

Happy anniversary baby

Today is Ambrose’s anniversary. It seems insane to think that it was 4 years ago that we went for a routine scan and were told they couldn’t see a heartbeat. It was 2 days later that I wrote this post. So many things have changed since then but the sadness is still there. I still grieve for what might have been and wonder what my baby would have been like. Mostly it’s selfish fantasies about how things would have been. I won’t lie sometimes I think things worked out the way they were supposed to. I think Ambrose and Gaiebraille and Leo are lucky that they don’t have me as their Mummy. Lukas and Logan are hard work and I can’t always give them everything I feel they deserve. I have to adapt the way I care for them because of my health issues and I feel as though it’s a good thing I only have the two of them to disappoint. I wonder if they would be better off without me too, wonder if they would rather have a different mummy who could run around and play with them. I hate that I get tired all the time and the pain makes me irritable. I have to remind myself that no-one could ever love them the way that I do, and that even though I am far from perfect they love me anyway. They don’t care that I'm sick, or depressed, they don’t care that when we go places I have to take frequent breaks and it takes me days to recover afterwards. I often still question whether there was something I could have done differently to save my angel babies and the truth is I will never know for sure. In my mind it will always be my fault. I will always be filled with questions and I will always feel the sadness at them not being here. None of that will ever change but experience tells me some things will. Time will help heal my heart, it will let me go for seconds, then minutes, maybe even hours at a time without thinking about my angel’s. Days like today will become more about celebrating their lives than about grieving for them. I know that because they already have a little bit. This year hasn’t been as hard on me as last year was, and last year wasn’t quite as hard as the year before. I will never ever forget any of them, because a piece of my heart will always have their names engraved on to it. It will never completely stop hurting, but that’s ok the pain helps me to remember. So happy anniversary my darling Ambrose, I hope you know how much I miss you.

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