Sunday, April 18, 2010

The problem with being sick

is that every day just seems to meld with the one on either side of it, and instead of seven days a week you just end up with one seemingly never ending cycle of pain and sleep. A day becomes defined by starting when you wake up and ending when you finally get to sleep. The biggest problem with that is that some days end up being 3 hours long because you are just too tired to function anymore and some of them end up somewhere between 24-30 hours sometimes longer. It gets depressing when you add in painkillers things get even more unpredictable as some of them make you a virtual zombie they are the ones that usually help with the pain a little, some of them make you the energiser bunny those are the ones that usually don’t help with the pain, some of the combinations of mixing them together make other things happen that you weren’t planning on. So you are faced with the choice of doing nothing and suffer, medicate and sleep it off or medicate and work until you pass out from exhaustion. Not really great choices and obviously these only become options once ignore it and hope it goes away no longer is an option. It’s always a balancing act of coping with the pain while making sure my family is taken care of. It sucks that I am pretty much screwed whichever option I chose. Lately I have been a lot more sick than usual and I am struggling to keep track of whether it’s day or night outside, I'm struggling to get anything done and more than anything I am struggling to cope with the guilt. Lukas has been on school holidays and we haven’t done anything. I had plans to take him places and do things, but between being so ill and some money issues we haven’t ended up going anywhere. He’s been out to the park a few times with Lisa and Ella but I feel sad because I know I should have been the one taking him. Mark doesn’t seem to care that Lukas’s holidays have sucked so it causes arguments between the two of us. Yesterday Logan had an accident, I noticed his first tooth had finally come through and I wanted to show Nan. As I tipped his head back to show her he kicked me in the ribs and the pain was bad enough to make me lose my grip on him for a split second. I managed to grab him before he hit the floor but he still ended up bumping his shoulder and getting a little carpet burn graze on his head. I cried about it a lot more than he did. I felt so ashamed that me being in pain all the time had hurt him. This morning I woke up and I could barely move, I had to wake Mark up to feed Logan because I couldn’t straighten my fingers out enough to hold Logan’s bottle, but something has changed. Yesterday when I started writing this post I was full of despair and feeling utterly miserable, and today even though the pain is worse and I feel a lot worse physically, mentally I feel a little better. When your sick it’s all about taking it one day at a time and dealing with whatever life throws at you. It’s about enjoying the little moments and trying to cope with the bad hours/days/weeks/months and it’s always about finding some balance between the two. Balance is something I have been lacking lately. Tomorrow Lukas goes back to school and I have no choice but to pull myself together and deal with the pain, because Mark’s working and I have to pick him up from school. I have to go and cut his hair and bath him and Logan and then hopefully we will get the chance to sit down as a family and watch a film. When he goes to bed I have a list of things I need to get done but I am aiming to be in bed not long after he is because I want to be up when he goes to school in the morning so I can take some back to school photos. Fingers crossed I will be back later with another post and maybe even a layout.

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