My biggest trial - Leo

Created for the 5th Mrs Wresh Blog Challenge. I am really not used to journalling that tiny lol it's 9pt I usually use 18pt minimum.

Credits: Layered template by Mrs Wresh (Template 35), Folded Mattes Templates by Jen Caputo (Template 1), Black Light Papers and Wrap Me Baby 2 by Heather Manning, Shattered Paper Pack and Gettin' Textured Overlays 01 (Overlay 3). Fonts are JPaige_TonyPrint by Jeanelle Paige and Tsarine Anastasia Script.

Journalling reads:You were a trial from start to finish weren’t you Leo. We had been told that we had more chance of a big lottery win than we did of having another baby. Then there was the pregnancy complications, which meant endless trips to the hospital for scans and other tests. Your birth at the bottom of Daddy’s stairway. Your stay in special care where you defied all the odds they kept giving us. You were a real fighter. You came home before you were even due to be born. I thought that once you came home we would be safe. We could just be a normal happy little family. But I was so wrong wasn’t I. Everything that had happened until then was nothing compared to what happened next. We transferred doctors, and you seemed to have a little cold. The old doctors wouldn’t see you because you were no longer there patient, the new doctors couldn’t see you because they didn’t have your notes. When I took Lukas to go and see Daddy you stayed with Nana. When I got home I just got in the bath with you and Lukas, no different to all the other times we had done it. Only this time it was different because you suddenly became floppy and turned blue. I remember getting out of the bath and screaming at Nan to ring an ambulance. I tried to give you mouth to mouth. While we were waiting for them to get there. They arrived and rushed away with you leaving me to follow behind with another ambulance driver, I called Daddy on the way. When we arrived they were frantically working on you trying to get you to breathe or respond. I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare as they finally took you to the intensive care unit. Then came the questions that I answered so many times. I was so stressed by everything I ended up joining you in the hospital The stupid accusations from the social workers, they ordered Lukas to the hospital to be examined, they thought I had hurt you. I could never have harmed a hair on your head, or Lukas’s you were my world. You were on life support for a week, I had to make a decision about your future. As much as I couldn’t bear to lose you, I knew that I couldn’t bear to see you suffer more. It didn’t end with you though. When you died in my arms, the real trial began the statements to the police, the waiting for the inquest the searching for any little answers we could get all done while we were desperately searching for the answer to our only question of why? When they finally released your body, nearly 2 months after you died we had to plan your funeral. I carried your tiny little coffin, I chose music that communicated how I felt and then I stood up and I spoke about you. I have never felt so much raw emotion before, the pain of losing you was so great it hurt to breathe. My chest was raw from sobbing, I wondered how I would ever endure the pain and there were a lot of times when I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to hurt anymore I wanted to be with you so badly. I would have been willing to do anything even die to make the pain go away. Me and Daddy became closer than we had ever been. All the fights and disagreements didn’t matter anymore. We found comfort in each other’s arms. We needed each other more than ever before. We still had Lukas to care for. I clung to my love for him. He was my saviour through it all. I couldn’t stand to cause him anymore pain, so I picked myself up and I took it one day at a time. I got up and I found ways to block some of the pain. Ironically I found scrapbooking; the hobby most people use to remember became my way to forget, at least for a while. When I started it was a release for the emotions. Creating took my mind off you; writing poetry healed my heart a little. I got lost in pixels and managed to escape the never ending hurt for a while each day. All the while, just waiting for the inquest. Hoping, for the answers that would help ease our pain. But they never came, because even after all the tests they did they still didn’t know why you had died. Now my trial is simply to find a way to get up each day and live with the hurt, to search for the light at the end of the tunnel and to endure my grief. I value each and every day, because I know how precious life is. We will never ever forget you or either of our other angel babies. I will ensure your legacy is never forgotten and you well you can watch what I am doing from that fluffy little cloud your sitting on. You can listen when I talk to you and when I play your songs and you can know that you are and always will be loved and cherished and there’s a gap in my heart that will never again be filled. It’s reserved just for you.

Enabling: Folded Mattes Template by Jen Caputo available here, Black Light Papers and Wrap Me Baby 2 by Heather Manning available here and here, Shattered Paper Pack and Gettin' Textured Overlays 01 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann available here and here and Template 35 by Mrs Wresh can be found in this pack at her Scrapbook-Elements store.