I think everyone who actually reads my blog is already aware that Mark's mum passed away on Sunday Morning. I know that at some point I will end up writing the post that I started and just didn't have the words to finish. The problem is that I know I have called her things like the monster in law on here, I know she wound me up but I did love her. I didn't like her very much a lot of the time but I always loved her. When we were living at her house I got really close to her and there were a lot of times where I felt like she thought of me as her daughter. It's hard to explain even to myself exactly how our relationship worked. I guess the best way to describe it would be I thought of her like I think of Nan you have all seen how sometimes she drives me completely insane but I was worried about her when she wasn't here and I missed her a lot. I am going to miss Mark's mum and I regret that we never got around to resolving some of the issues that had come up between us. Lukas says she's gone to heaven top look after Leo. I think we did too much of a good job talking up how great heaven was in a bid to make him feel less sad about Leo. He's not sad that she's dead, as far as he is concerned she's lucky because she gets to be with Leo. I tried explaining that it was sad because she was leaving people she loved, and people who loved her behind and that we were going to miss her and his reply was that people don't feel sad or hurt in heaven. It makes things difficult for a lot of reasons. It seems really inappropriate that he's not sad at all I am scared people will think I have said horrible things about her to him (I have said horrible things but never aloud, I either think them or rant about them on here). I am also scared that people will think he didn't love her, because he did but he just doesn't understand why he didn't see her very often, how do you explain to a five year old something you don't understand yourself? The words are escaping me today, everything is still pretty numb in terms of feelings, my emotions are all jumbled up and confusing I kind of feel like everything I feel has been chucked into a blender and it's just this great mess of confusion and hurt. All of Mark's family seem to think I am some sort of expert on the subject of funerals, finances and dealing with loss. But everything was so different with Leo and Gaiebraille's funerals. I am trying my hardest to juggle everything but the emotion, the sheer amount of stuff that needs to be sorted out is just so daunting right now. It doesn't help matters that I am ill on top of the usual medical issues and I am sleeping worse than usual. I have been waking up at 3am and not being able to get back to sleep, for the last two days I have fallen asleep at around 7pm without bothering to eat, get undressed or anything I just can't physically stay awake any longer, and I can't sleep any longer either so I seem to be just going through the motions of getting up looking after Lukas etc in a kind of haze. Mark is being very mark about it all, he doesn't seem upset nothing seems to shake emotion into him. But I know that he adored his mum, everyone deals with it in different ways. I guess I should be greatful he is not a hysterical wreck because I don't have the energy to cope with that right now. I keep encouraging him to let out his emotions and telling him that I am here if he needs me. I went with him to school this morning because I thought he might not want to face everyone on his own just yet. I could tell he was really greatful I offered but he would never have asked for my help. Sometimes I long to just shake him or slap him to make him feel something, he used to be more emotional than this. I remember how he cried when we lost Gaiebraille, but somewhere along the way the emotion just seemed to vanish from him. I guess that's just another one of the side effects of everything we have been through, I am an emotional wreck and he's about as emotional as the tin man. He just doesn't seem to feel anything. I guess the emotion was too painful so he shut all his feelings out and seems to have lost the key to unlock them again. Maybe one day we will finally find a way to find some medium where we are in control of our emotions instead of the other way around, where he doesn't resort to not feeling anything and I don't feel so overwhelmed by all the different emotions I am feeling constantly. Anyway one of the things bothering me is the thought of letting all of my creative teams down. I feel like there is a part of me missing if I don't create so while all of them are very understanding about the situation I am trying to at least do something for them. It makes me feel useful and creating things is really calming, it's always been good for helping with the depression. The irony is I have gone full circle with it. I started scrapping to try and relieve some of the emotions that were smothering me after Leo died, the reason for scrapping changed along the way I started creating layouts because I enjoyed the process, I enjoyed the end result, it was more about making something beautiful than making something meaningful. It was just as important but the motivation changed. I scrapped pictures of Lukas to make myself happy, I scrapped about things he had said or done to remember them, I stopped creating the journalling filled layouts full of emotion and pain but I can see that those will be making a return in the future. There are layouts I need to do about Mark's mum and there are still a lot of things I have to deal with about Leo, Gaiebraille and Ambrose. I am still trying to find a balance between the two types of layout. I started this one last night when I couldn't sleep, it seemed a better use of time than watching info-mercials about holidays in Cyprus or tools for bricklaying lol. I couldn't face trying to concentrate on a challenge, so I just started creating a layout purely for creative team promotional purposes. I made a gift for Ruby using the pictures I took of her when she came to visit. It was really comforting to find that I could still find some pleasure even if for the briefest of times in something. It brought me some temporary inner peace.
I feel more ready to cope with today now, sure I am still exhausted and I am in pain, it's hard to breathe because of the chest infection I have, it hurts to sit here because of the pain in my back from the urine infection that's probably going to end up being another kidney infection but I don't feel as overwhelmed today as I did yesterday and the day before. Sorry this is turning into a book, I will shut up now and share the layout I made since that was the reason for posting in the first place lol.
Credits: Layered template (set 2, template 3) and Dirt Don't Hurt It's A Pink Thang by Heather Manning. Font is DJB Lorraine Bold by Darcy Baldwin.
Enabling: I couldn't find the templates for sale anywhere I had them on my hard drive already, but Dirt Don't Hurt It's A Pink Thang by Heather Manning available here.
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