Post number 500

I just happened to notice as I was about to hit the new post button that this will be post number 500. Wow I ramble more than even I thought lol. So I suppose since this is post number 500 now might be as good a time as any to finally tell you the details of the funeral, to talk about the new level of hell that my marriage has become, maybe I will even spill my guts on a few other things. Ok now where to start? that's been the problem for a while hasn't it there is so much going on I never know where to start with talking about it, I never know which part to actually write about because this blog is no longer therapeutic to write. I don't get the same feeling of release from writing it anymore, because to be honest seeing how things are in black and white for everyone to see makes them more real, more depressing but most of all it makes them hurt more. So how about I start with some pictures of the flowers from the funeral. That should be a lot easier to start with than words. *insert swear word of choice here* because I have just noticed when Mark reinstalled my computer yesterday not only did he forget to back up my ACDSee database (and in doing so lose me hours and hours of work) and forget to back up bookmarks he has forgotten to plug the card reader back in, and since I can't get down on the floor (one because it hurts real bad to bend over right now and two because Lukas happens to be asleep on his bed, on the floor behind me because it's a bit cold in his room at the moment), and pull out the machine to do it the pictures are going to have to wait. *sigh* guess I will just have to take a deep breath start typing won't I, no more excuses or delays. Ok so here goes. I will admit that before the funeral I had a vodka and coke. It wasn't just because I was going to be stuck with people who don't like me very much all day, it was because I wasn't feeling great I had a rotten headache and you know what it's like to deal with people who don't like you at the best of times, there's nothing worse than doing it feeling ill. I will also admit I was still hurt over not being asked to do the order of service and I was mad at Mark for the day before. We were supposed to be going together to the funeral directors, I had been up all night and I laid down for a while. Before I did that I asked Mark not to let me go to sleep, but if I did not to leave me for more than one hour. He left me all day, he went to the funeral directors without me and to be honest I felt like he had taken away my chance to say the things I wanted to say to her, he'd taken away my chance to say goodbye. I know I wrote here that I didn't really want to go but after writing that I had a change of heart. I felt really hurt by what he did, upset that I had wasted Valentines Day sleeping, I was also hurt that he didn't even think to say Happy Valentines Day to me. I made him cards, and never got around to printing them out but he had seen them on the computer anyway so at least he knew I was thinking about him. So Valentines Day was really the prequel to this mess. We were going to a funeral with hardly any money because we had spent so much on flowers, I was worried about everything and I made the choice to take a water bottle with my own vodka in it. Now before anyone condemns me for that I wasn't intending on drinking much of it, I just didn't have anything smaller to put it in. I drink alcohol mixed with a pint of something, coke, orange juice, lemonade, doesn't really matter what I don't like the taste of alcohol, I don't like any expensive alcohol I only like the cheap stuff. I'm strange like that. My brother Gavin and Lisa were working behind the bar, they served me a pint of lemonade, which I added vodka to. After that first one I didn't add vodka to anything else. I feel like I really need to stress that point since it's important that's understood before I go any further. I was hurt when Mark's family gathered for family photographs and I wasn't included, but I said nothing. After they had been taking photos for a good 10 minutes Mark started calling me over, I wasn't interested since I was just an afterthought to him and everyone else in that room, to be honest I was a bit disgusted that they were all happy and laughing posing for family photos at her funeral. I couldn't get why no-one was sad or miserable. After that I got myself in trouble, I was wearing new shoes and on the dance floor in the hall they felt like they were slipping. Not wanting to make an ass of myself by falling over, I decided that the smart thing to do would be to take them off, only I can't bend over because of my stomach hurting (there was also the matter of being worried my boobs might escape lol) so I did what I always do to take shoes off, I lift my foot a little of the ground, give it a little shake, shoe falls to ground and usually Lukas picks them up for me. Only one kind of got stuck on the top of my foot a little and came off by flying slightly into the air and a little way across the floor. Now from where I was stood which wasn't very far from Mark at our table, the shoe was just a little off the floor, and was nowhere near anyone, but this is where the day went to hell. I went upstairs to the toilet and after using the toilet I sat on the chair near the door, simply because I was tired out, I was fed up and I wanted to be away from everyone for a little while. The next thing I knew I was being shouted at by one of Mark's relatives, while 10 other relatives stood and watched. She said that "she wasn't having Fred's (Mark's mum was called Freda) day ruined by some tacky freakshow who wanted to be centre of attention", she followed that up with some bullshit about if you want to be by yourself, you be by yourself, and stop ruining her day. I sat there and the only words I uttered in my own defence were "I haven't done anything" I couldn't understand what I could have possibly done to offend someone I hadn't even spoken to. I had only told a friend of the family that her new baby was adorable, asked Mark's pregnant young cousin about her ultrasound, and the only other people I had uttered words to all day were Joshua (Mark's nephew yes the one I have moaned about lots), Lukas, and I had spoken to my brother while he was serving me. I couldn't help it I burst into tears in the toilets. Then Mark's Aunty Rachel came upstairs and started going on about how I'd had too much to drink, how Mark had to apologise to someone who I nearly hit with the flying shoe and how Mark should take me home. Mark came up and the more I tried to explain why I was crying the more he ignored me. He called a taxi and drove me home still refusing to listen to a word I had to say. I went straight upstairs and cried myself to sleep. He let Nan think that I had got drunk. We spent the whole night arguing I cried a lot, he wouldn't even comprehend that I wasn't the one in the wrong. The next day things got even worse because all of the other details of the day got thrown in. One of Mark's family went through my handbag, and took my bottle of vodka to the bar along with one brand new sealed bottle of water, and one opened bottle of water Lukas had been drinking, demanding that they dispose of it. I found out that the story everyone had been told was I had to be taken home because i'd thrown up in the toilets, after having too much to drink, Lisa had been threatened by the family member who had gone mental at me, she'd told people that she had been tempted to take me outside, that the story about the shoe had gone from the truth to "it was launched down the length of the hall and was almost embedded in someone's head" but much worse than all that I found out that members of Mark's family including his dad had said things like how Mark was scared of me because I beat him. It caused a row in the whole house, I went mad at Nan because she made assumptions based on what Lisa had told her, Lisa had said what she had based on things she had heard from Mark's family, I cried myslef hoarse and I have been pretty much crying ever since. I am hurt that Mark has obviously told lies about me to his family, I admitted on this blog the one time I hit him, I don't batter my husband, I could never hurt him, he's a lot bigger than me and stronger than me for a start. He admitted that he had said I hit him and that he had said I was controlling. I don't have the power to make him do anything as everyone who reads this is aware because if I had power of him he wouldn't drive me so damn crazy would he? He won't speak a single word in my defence, not even just to utter the truth and I know I have said that our marriage was on shaky ground before but right now it is hanging by a thread. I don't know how to forgive him for the lies and the gossip, I don't know how to get past that he wouldn't even listen to my side of the story. I don't understand how even after hearing how the stupid woman had bullied, threatened and exaggerated, he still believed I was in the wrong. I don't understand and I don't know how to forgive that he's not even sorry. If your wondering the woman who we will just refer to as the mouthy troll lol, is related to him she's Mark's Dad's Sister's Daughter In Law. They must get on fabulously because the Aunt is a mouthy nasty bitch as well, the day Mark's mum died I offered to make her a drink when she came to the house, her answer - "Bout time you got off your fat lazy ass and did something". Fueled by the hurt and endless tears I asked Mark for a divorce and he didn't even seem to be bothered. He doesn't seem to fear losing me and Lukas at all. When I ask if that's what he want he alternates between don't know and a very bored sounding no. I am truly at my wits end with it all. I can't help that we are so different, he knows if the situations were reversed I would have stuck up for him no matter what. I never let anyone treat him like that. I love him, I cherish him and I want to protect him. But love doesn't seem to be enough anymore. I can't see past this wall of hurt and tears. I feel like he ripped out my heart and I don't know how to fix it. I don't want to walk away from him, but I don't want to be treated like this either. Things are so tense here at the moment, Nan's mad at him for the way he treated me, she's mad at me for putting up with it, I am mad at myself for not having the strength the walk away, I am mad at him for so many things, even Lukas is mad at Mark because i'm sad, which makes me even more sad. I hate to hear Lukas say things like "I don't like you anymore daddy, you made mummy cry". I try and tell him that it's not ok to say that and then he's confused because as far as he is concerned he isn't doing anything wrong. I have so much to do, so many thoughts rushing around inside my head and no energy to sort any of it out. Just to make things as bad as they could be, I got my period yesterday and it's heavier than it's been since before Lukas was born. I am wiped out physically, mentally and emotionally. I can't sleep, because there's too much going on in my head, I can't even lay in bed because I can't find a comfortable position because I hurt so much. I still can't shake this chest infection or the urine infection, I know I need to make a doctors appointment and try and get it fixed but I just can't find the motivation. Right now I would be content if the only thing that changed was that my body found a temperature and stuck to it, I am sick of being freezing cold one minute and burning up the next. I guess the words aren't gone anymore, and I am sorry for the book that I have written. I don't even have a layout to share with you after having to read all this, because just as I was about to save the one I was working on earlier photoshop munched it. See even a full reinstall can't kill all the computer gremlins. *Sigh* hopefully I will be back later on today or tomorrow with something a bit less depressing.