I will give you advanced warning, I will be moaning in this post. If you don't want to hear it either scroll down and look at one of my other posts or go away for a bit and come back a bit later when I have wrote a nicer one lol.
Anyway not that I have got the warning out of the way I will give you one more just because I am strange like that I will not I repeat NOT be apologising for any part in this post, I don't care if it's disrespectful, or wrong to be posted it I am fed up and if I don't vent some of this before friday I might end up telling Mark's family what I really think of them. I really don't want to be my mother's daughter and cause a row at a funeral. So venting on my blog is a much better idea, if you don't like it, well tough!
Now that I have got that part out of the way I will tell you why I hate February. I'll start from today which right now thanks to the time difference is already February 14th, Valentines Day. The day where everyone is supposed to feel special and loved. Most people will be spending their day either in a general state of loved up bliss, some will be spending it being showered with tokens of affection and some may even be doing things like going out for the evening with the one(s) that they love best. Want to know what I will be doing? I will be going out with my husband (who by the way hasn't even bought me a card as usual) to visit the funeral directors to see his mother. Sorry but dead people really don't inspire romantic thoughts. My little guy will be at school so I can't even have a nice valentines day with him. Not getting why I hate it yet ok i'll keep going, 15th is Mark's mum's funeral, a whole day of being stuck with people who I can't stand and either hate me or are trying to grope me. The 17th is Gaiebraille's anniversary (5 years if you are wondering), my babies anniversaries are never easy for me, this one sucks the most out of the three though because I also found out I was pregnant with Leo on the same date a year afterwards. We would have found out about Ambrose that day too but I forgot to do the test. The 19th is Ella's birthday, 21st is Mark's parents wedding anniversary since it's the first one without her, I am no doubt going to be told we have to go and visit and make sure he's ok. He doesn't really seem all that bothered about her being gone, he's even been back to work since Monday. If that was me (which I know it isn't because heck I feel hurt by her dying) there is not a chance in hell that I would be back at work 8 days after my partner died. She was his wife of 35 (I think) years, I would be utterly devastated while he just seems like his son to me, completely unfeeling and acting normally. The 23rd is Ella's birthday party (which I am pissed that I can't go to because of their being balloons decorating the hall) I guess Lukas going to a party without me, and the likelihood of anyone taking photos being about as good as a snowball in hell might have something to do with it to. Somewhere in the middle of that chaos is half term a whole week of having Lukas to entertain sounds like bliss to me until you account for the fact that Mark will probably still have not gone back to work. Lukas on his own fantastic, Mark on his own not much an issue. Both of them together, stuck in the house for a whole week, let's just say that I wonder if that's how they are going to torture me when I die and go to hell? They fight, they bicker, they make me want to kill them both or bang their heads together at least. You should have seen them this evening winding each other up. So you see February is a very bad month. I am very frustrated and pissed off about everything at the moment and I just needed somewhere to vent off some of it. But I think that it just sums it all up doesn't it, in this crap filled month that happens to fall in a leap year so there is even one extra day to fill with crap of some form or another. *sigh* I don't mean to be so bitter and resentful I really don't I am just hurting (physically, mentally and emotionally) I am finding it hard to cope with everything. I feel really overwhelmed with everything this month. I guess that when it rains it pours doesn't it, but I just wonder if it's ever going to let up. I just need a break even one month without drama or some kind would be enough to just give me the hope I am searching for, even a week would do or even just a day, hell right now I would settle for there being just an hour of peace. I guess the biggest issue I have is with how many people we have lost, each one has taken a part of me with them and I am starting to feel like there is soon going to be nothing left of me. I miss them and I just feel like they are all together and I am just here alone. I know I am not alone, but I still feel as though I am, because no-one understands me or what it's like to be me. I have a husband who has the emotional capacity of a flea, he doesn't seem to feel anything. I have Nan, who is always saying how ill she feels but never stopping to consider that maybe she's not the only one in pain. If I tell her I don't feel well, she starts off on her usual rant about how she feels. I am not saying she doesn't feel ill, I am just saying that maybe sometimes it would nice to just have a little sympathy or maybe just a listening ear rather than it feeling like I am being dismissed because she thinks she's obviously more ill than I am, she's obviously in more pain than I am. I can't say anything without her trying to outdo me. For example if I say the words, "my hands hurt" her reply lasts an hour or so with her telling me about every cut on her hand, her arthritis etc and I get tired of it. If I keep my mouth shut and don't say anything about how I feel then I get a different lecture, up all night in pain and trying to catch up on my sleep earns me yet another lecture. Then there's Lukas who doesn't understand why mummy looks like she's about to pass out after a session of chugga chugga choo choo (he gets on my back and I have to run around making dumb noises woowoo chugga chugga choo choo). This chest infection is already leaving it hard to breathe at times, I don't have much energy at the best of times, but this is really taking it out of me. That kid is also bloody heavy, even if I was fit and healthy (which I am definately not lol) it hurts me to lift him. All he wants to do is play with his mummy, and act like a bit of a loon. I hate to disappoint him so I try and play and then I suffer for it. I just can't win. I love them all I really really do. I am just fed up today I guess yet another valentines day not being acknowledged has sent me a little loopy. I feel so unappreciated and unloved right now. I don't really think it is a big deal to want a card, just a card from your husband. I don't think it's a lot to want to just be told that you are loved and that to someone you are special and you have meaning and value. But what do I know maybe that is a lot to ask.
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