Time to make a few confessions

It's supposed to be good for your soul right lol. Ok so here goes I have always had a little bit of a tendancy to at least attempt to fit in with "normal" people. I know damn well that eventually my personality will let me down because no matter how hard I try my mouth won't stay shut. When I see people acting in my opinion like an ass I am 99.9999% likely to tell them I think so. As you are gathering I am never going to win any popularity contests lol. But it's not just the whole speaking my mind thing I am noticing it a lot about everything in my life lately. I don't quite fit with the way that things are supposed to be done. At the school gates I feel like the old one out I am not toting around some snot nosed whining child who is constantly launching their bottle, dummy, blanket, or other random object across the playground while their mum stands, I am not one of those talkative mums who everyone seems to gravitate towards, I am not one of those super cool well dressed mums who look like they have just come from work/college, I don't fit into the cliques, I have nothing to talk to them about. I feel like one of those sick covered exhausted mums with a young baby whose kept them up for nights on end without the baby. I hate doing the school run because it makes me feel alienated and depressed. When it comes to scrapbooking I can't make layouts that people gush over, I can post in lots of different galleries even those promoting lots of praise on all your layouts and get about 3 comments in total. I can't do those artsy teeny tiny pictures with a million embellishments layouts, I can't do those one photo, one background, one title (if your lucky) layouts they aren't me. I am 23 years old and if you ask me to name one song in the top 40 you would have no chance of me naming one of them. I used to know what position every song held, I used to know what dates everything was being released on. Now I can't even remember the name of the last actual CD I bought but I can remember (just about lol) the last thing I bought on ITunes and that was a Brad Paisley CD. I always used to think country music was for old people. But I really like it I have always had a weakness for music that has words you can actually understand and sing along albeit badly lol to. I still wear maternity jeans and I haven't been pregnant since April of last year the last baby I actually had was in 2004. I used to be one for clothes I used to love pretty clothes, now don't get me wrong they weren't sexy clothes but I actually cared what I put on, now I could care less what I wear and some oh alright most days I don't even bother getting dressed. I often wonder if any of the scrapbooking I do will matter to anyone, will lukas remember how happy he was on so and so day or will he remember that was the day that mummy took him out and couldn't come and play with him because she felt too ill, couldn't run around because she felt too tired? Will he remember that his mummy was that crazy crafting woman who made presents for his whole class for Halloween/Christmas/Valentines Day or will he remember that his mummy was the one who was too tired to come and collect him from school. I feel like no matter how hard I try it's not good enough for anyone. I can't do the traditional mummy/wife activities because of my medical issues and because of living here. When you aren't allowed to cook, you can't clean or wash clothes what is left that makes you the Mummy? Sometimes I think that if we moved out of here things would be easier and then situations like this week happen and I know that we can't. When I went to pick Lukas up on Thursday I came over feeling really ill. I was nauseous, having really bad pain across my chest and my stomach, I felt dizzy and lightheaded. When I came home I asked Nan to watch him for a little while. I passed out and I haven't left my bed since. I posted from bed using the laptop and I was only awake because the pain was too bad to sleep. I scrapped because it was soothing and a better alternative than staring at the walls all night. Today I am back to my normal kind of ill lol but I am drained from the last two days. I was just lucky that Mark was working the 7:30pm finish shift on Thursday and had yesterday off. I don't want to be a bad mum or a bad wife. I don't want to be the person that causes them to be embarassed by me. It used to really suck being the only kid whose mother wasn't at the school things and I am trying my hardest to always be at Lukas's but sometimes that one motherly duty means he loses his mummy for a few days is it really worth it? I am tired out, I am frustrated and I feel like the harder I try to be "normal" the more being sick is putting me firmly in my box of complete failure. Today is just another one of those days where I wonder if they would all be better off without me. I don't know how to be anything but me, but me is a waste of space, an embarrassment to the ones she loves, a medical mystery that baffles the doctors, but most of all me is just a sad 23 year old woman trying to have a normal life and failing miserably. What a depressing way to start a day!