Does a year make a difference?

This time last year I was doing exactly the same thing (well almost) as I am doing right now. I was sat here with my stomach in a knot, feeling sick and wondering if everything was going to be ok. Only this time last year I was doing it while putting my make-up on and drinking Smirnoff ice out of a champange glass. Have I confused you yet? This time last year I was getting ready to get married and in about 3 hours time I would have been walking down the aisle in the registry office and just for the sake of irony I will point out that I was doing it without my bouquet which I had accidentally forgotten in the mad rush trying to get there on time turned into to. While I was getting ready Nan and Mark were trying to clean and decorate the hall after the Burns Night celebration the night before. I'll let you in on a little secret I was miserable on my wedding day I feel utterly alone and abandoned and do you know something that's how I feel today. Mark's at work and last night we had a fight and I asked him to leave. He doesn't trust me and I have done nothing to deserve being mistrusted. He's the one who is always telling lies, he's the one who "borrows" money and things without asking and me well I am the stupid fool who always has faith that things will change. No amount of screaming, shouting, arguing or crying ever changes him he always remains the same old senseless pig who could give a damn that he's breaking your heart by acting like a complete jerk. I spent the night before my wedding staring at the ceiling and wondering why I was actually doing it. I spent last night staring at the ceiling in between sobs wondering why I am still doing it. The answer in the end is really simple I don't want to be alone. If he leaves it won't change the situation between me and my family. They aren't suddenly going to decide to be normal and speak to me again. It's a sad truth really that Mark and Nan are the only family I have and they both break my heart over and over again and it's usually because I get caught in the crossfire between them. The only thing I have in my life that makes it worth living is Lukas. If anything happens to Nan or Mark I will still have him, but he deserves so much better than this wreck of a mummy that he has. So today I have the same choice I had a year ago do I try my hardest to make things work with Mark or do I just turn and walk away? I guess it really doesn't matter which choice I make does it because I will probably be here next year asking the same question of did I make the right choice. I don't know what the right choice is since I seem to get hurt either way. I end it and I hurt because I am alone, I hurt because I feel like a failure and Lukas hurts because he ends up with nothing but me, the waste of space mummy who never has the energy to be the mummy she wants to be. I stay with him and I hurt again because I am living with a man who doesn't trust me, treats me like dirt and doesn't seem to give a damn that he's doing it. The phrase stuck between a rock and a hard place comes to mind right about now. It's times like this when I wish I was more like my mum she doesn't have any feelings and right now that looks like a really nice option, not being able to feel anything. *sigh* but I just can't do it. I am emotional and I always have been guess I can't change anymore than Mark can. I suppose I could always just relive the reception and have enough alcohol to wipe away all the feelings if only for a while lol.