Yesterday Mark let Lukas go to sleep in the afternoon with me, for 5 hours. As anyone whose a parent will be aware afternoon naps are not really a great way to help kids sleep at night. I was ready to go back to sleep after having something to eat and drink, Lukas on the other hand was wide awake. The part that really annoyed me was that while I was wide awake trying to get Lukas to sleep Mark was whinging that he didn't feel well, asking me to call work for him and then asleep snoring his head off. I was at the very mildest description fed up. Lukas was a doll though he just sat watching tv until 4;50am this morning (at least when he wasn't getting fed up with Mark for turning the tv over to Ice hockey or climbing all over me for cuddles). But I am getting into rambling territory again. Long story short Lukas never went to school because he was too tired, Mark never went to work because he was "ill" and me I spent the day trying to sleep and ignore the noise that everyone was making. Nan is fuming because Mark has spent most of the day playing his playstation and watching tv, he never took any washing down, any dishes down and he's hardly paid any attention to Lukas. So I had a lovely set of lectures to wake up to Mark moaning that Nan was having a go at him, her moaning that he hadn't doen anything. Lately I have been feeling like a really bad mother because I have been so tired. The wedding album and 40 days layouts have been eating up all my "free time". The thing is everyone is always saying about how you should make time for yourself, but when you are exhausted all the time, even scrapping is hard work, I feel like I am neglecting Lukas. In a moment of madness earlier I asked Lukas a question. I'm going to share the conversation that followed with you.
Me: Lukas do you think I am a bad mumy?
Lukas: Yes
Me: Do you want a different mummy?
Lukas: No I Love you
Me: But you just said I was a bad mummy
Lukas: Not bad just different, and I love you.
Me: So are you happy with mummy?
Lukas: Yes you're my best friend
Me: Does it make you sad when mummy is poorly and can't play with you?
Lukas: Yes, I miss you, you make me happy.
Me: Love you Lukas
Lukas: Love you too mummy
Me: I'm going to see Nana, do you want to come?
He jumped over the bed ran out the door shouting "yay I escaped"
Me: Lukas you are crazy
Lukas: Thats why you love me.
It's hard to remember that he's only 4 when I have conversations like this with him. He's a very wise little boy, and I don't think I give him enough credit for how much he understands.
The other day he saw an advert on the tv for something and it had an ultrasound in it, he turned around and said to me "Mummy you had a baby in your tummy like that". He asked me something else earlier, he wanted to know why I only made layouts about him not about Leo. All the layouts that are on the computer at the moment are from this year and he's right I haven't scrapped much about Leo, because I don't really know what else I can say, I don't have many memories about Leo. I have forgotten so much about him and because I don't have many pictures there's not much to spark the memories. Its also still very raw to me, I know it shouldn't be but I am very nostalgic at the moment, I often find myself crying at babies on tv and I am still avoiding the baby clothes sections in shops. The wedding photos bought it all crashing back to the front of my mind, because there's always the knowledge that we probably wouldn't have ever got around to a wedding if he was still here. I'm just feeling low today.
I have two layouts left to catch up on for the 40 days, you can see the latest one here. Hopefully I will get the last two done either tonight if I can't sleep or tomorrow. On a completely unrelated note, just because I am still thinking about it have you seen the new show Hereos? Wow if you haven't heard about it or didn't see it you can do both here. They also showed episode 2 tonight but no doubt that will be repeated at some point.
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