Why is it when I have a lot of things to say

I end up saying nothing lol? I have so many different things to share and I just don't feel like doing anything. Partly because I have a really bad cold, I am super tired and I managed to twist my knee earlier and partly because I just can't seem to concentrate on anything for very long, that's not the babies fault I have been unfocused for a while or actually since I am almost 12 weeks pregnant maybe it is the babies fault lol. So rather than rambling on endlessly I am just going to wish you all a Happy New Year and I am going to retreat to my bed where it's nice and warm. The post about Christmas Day and the post about my birthday can wait, so can the CT work and the organising I am supposed to be working on. Today I just feel like snuggling up with my family putting a dvd on and being nice and warm under the blanket and duvet. You may have noticed that I have added a little pregnancy ticker to the sidebar, Takara Bean is the name we have decided on until we know the sex of the baby and he/she gets a "real" name. We looked it up online and Takara is supposed to be a name suitable for boys or girls and it means precious. That is pretty accurate since right now it's a very precious little bean, maybe in a few weeks he/she will become Takara Bump lol it would be nice to say the bumps I have are down to baby but alas they are all my own lol. It's bizarre thinking that when I blog again (unless the highly unlikely possibility of my scrapping happens lol) it will be 2009 when I blog again, this year has definately been a mixed bag and flown by way too fast, it's scary to think in 2 months it will be the 1st anniversary of Mark's mum dying. Hopefully next year we will appreciate how precious time can be.

It was the best of times it was the worst of times.

Sorry I haven't been back there has been a lot going on here. Let's start with the good stuff because the bad stuff is kind of depressing. It all started 3 days ago when I got an early and very unexpected Christmas present - I found out that I am pregnant. To say I was thrilled would be a slight understatement. Lukas is too excited for words and has taken great pleasure in telling everyone who asks what he is getting for Christmas "a baby, but I have to wait" lol. Mark managed to kill anything resembling a buzz about it with his attitude though which is just typical. I was going to tell Nan on Christmas Day but Lukas doesn't understand the concept of it's a secret. When we did the maths we worked out that the due date should be around June 20th but judging by Lukas and Leo we could be looking at as early as April. Other people's reactions were a little mixed. Nan was shocked but very happy, Lisa is happy for us. Lukas told my mum when she bought cards and a gift for Nan and she apparently didn't react at all. My Dad hurt my feelings when I told him I know he probably didn't mean to but comments like "I hope you aren't going to follow in your mother's footsteps" are hurtful. I resisted the urge to say something sarcastic back because even if I did want that many kids it's none of his business. I am nearly 24 years old and I don't live with him so it's my decision how many kids I have. If things had worked out we may have had 4 by now anyway. I guess I just fail to see why people can't just be pleased for us. Anyway that's about all of the good news I have to share, I suppose I should move onto the bad stuff now. When Mark called to tell his Dad our news, we found out that his dad had been in a car accident and had written off his car. Apparently a female driver pulled out and left nowhere for anyone to go and caused a huge pileup so we didn't end up telling him. We had planned on telling him before Mark told his brother and sister but it's not exactly easy news to keep quiet lol. Although to be fair Mark's family couldn't really care less. Then we got a Christmas card from Mark's dad that said Happy Christmas from Andy and Mo. I have to admit I couldn't care less what he gets up to, or who he is sleeping with but I do find it slightly tacky to write out cards the first Christmas without Mark's mum with another woman's name on them and to write out cards to your kids that don't say love Dad in them. Our wedding card said from Freda (Mark's mum) and Andy so I know they are like that but I guess I just thought the first Christmas without her he would have made the effort to write Dad. Mark's family is definitely strange I suppose after all this time I should be used to them and expect the way they act but I'm not. I don't have time to tell you about what went wrong on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day right now but I will try and get back later.

School Play and Treat Bags

This morning was Lukas's school play. I can't remember if I have mentioned this or not before but there aren't many schools that do a traditional nativity play here any more. This year they were doing Whoopsy Daisy Angel, the story of a little angel called Whoopsy Daisy Angel who is always messing things up and generally not as clever or pretty as the other angels. She gets chosen to do the special job of telling everyone about the birth of a special baby (Jesus although it wasn't actually mentioned in the play) lots of singing. You can read about it on this site. I have to admit me and Lukas have spent so much time listening to the Whoops A Daisy Angel song I know nearly all of the words off by heart. This morning when we woke up I was feeling really ill. I don't know if I have picked up the same thing Mark had last week or if this is just feeling crappy after going out yesterday (picked Lukas up from school and we popped around to see Mark's brother in the evening and drop of some little gifts for Josh from our holiday). we had a really hard time getting up and getting ready and that mean't that not only was Lukas late for school we got crappy seats for watching the play. Mark videoed it but since I haven't seen the video yet I don't know how good it came out we couldn't even see Lukas. It was very cute, lots of singing. I managed to grab Lukas afterwards for a quick cuddle before he went back to class. All of the children that were singing were wearing little cardboard angels on string around their neck all of the other children had gold glitter on them, Lukas's had red glitter. I had to remind him to make sure he bought it home with him (I have to have something to scrapbook since I have no photos lol). When he got home he managed to rip it so I had to give her a little reconstruction with my stapler lol. I spent the whole evening making up treat bags for Lukas for school. It's amazing how long they took to assemble, everything had been printed, cut and prescored by Mark yet I still spent a good few hours putting the stuff into them, sealing them and stapling on the toppers. I don't have a picture right now but I have a couple more to make up tomorrow so I will take one then. I have so much that needs to get done before Christmas and I really don't know how it is all going to be done in time. Today's prompt is up but right now I am heading to bed, my chest hurts, it's hard to breathe and I am just really fed up. I will add the prompt now and come back and answer it tomorrow i'm sure I will have a few minutes while I am waiting for the computer to do some things. So here is today's prompt for you. See you tomorrow.
Write about the one or two most influential people in your life thus far.

1 minute writer prompt

The one for today doesn't interest me very much so here are a few older ones
As a kid, what job did you dream you'd have as an adult? What job do you have now? (November 28th)
I didn't really ever have a dream job, the careers teacher at school used to hate me because I could never say to her that I wanted to be anything. I have had waitressing jobs and jobs in shops and I enjoyed both of them a lot I guess I like being around people (not that you would know it from how sociable I am in real life lol). I don't have a job right now because of all of my medical issues, they are so unpredictable I never know from one day to the next how ill I am going to be and what I am going to be able to do.

Write a one-minute thank you note to someone. (November 27th)
There's only one person I am truly thankful to and that's Lukas, so here goes. Dear Lukas, you have bought so much joy to my life I truly do not know where I would be without you. You seem to have a unique talent to make me smile even when I feel completely miserable. You are funny and you force me to be a better person than I ever believed I was capable of being. I feel like you have taught me more than I will ever be able to teach you. You are so special little man, thank you for loving me unconditionally and for giving me the honour of being your mummy every day.

Describe your primary mode of transportation. Do you wish it was different? (November 26th)
Our primary method of transportation is public transport or walking. I often think things would be so much simpler if we could drive a car instead of having to wait for a bus or carry everything around on day trips. I would love to be able to take Nan to her appointments so she wouldn't have to ask Lisa to do it. But for now a car is out the question neither one of us can drive and we don't have the funds available to take lessons or to keep a car running, it's a nice dream though.

Close your eyes; turn around; and open your eyes. Write a haiku* about the first thing your eyes see. (November 25th)
Will have to come back to this one.

You're starting a new television network. What is it called, and what kind of programming will you air? (November 24th)
Will have to come back to this one too.

I'll be back later I have a lot to get done today including assembling 35 treat bags for Lukas for school (well 28 for school and the others are for other family/friends he wants to give them too).

See I said I would be back

a bit later than I intended and I don't have time to share the layouts right now but while I am waiting for stuff to finish this is better than nothing lol. So yesterday's prompt was this one
If you had a "do over" button, what one event in your life would you like to have a second chance at doing better?
Without a doubt it would have to be when I became a mum for the first time. There is so much I wish I could have done with Lukas. I wish I could have enjoyed the pregnancy instead of hating every second of it. But if I had to choose one specific moment it would be when they asked if I would like to hold him before he went to S.C.B.U and I said no. I will never forgive myself for saying that but with everything that happened I suppose I was in shock.

and today's is this one
In what way are you a little (or more than a little) crazy?
Haha there are a lot of ways but the one Mark is always telling me drives him a little crazy is my scrapbooking supplies. There are certain designers who I feel compelled to own their whole store. When I start organising stuff I have to empty either and entire stores folder or an entire coloumn of folders in one place I can't ever just do a few at a time. Yes I realise both are insane but that's just the way I am I also have to rename my files a certain way kit name then designer.

Ok here is today's prompt

Well I am waiting for the computer to find something I need to work with.
Describe a memorable birthday (yours or another's.)
I suppose I would have to say my 21st birthday was the most memorable because I actually got a present from my mum on my birthday instead of a vague promise to get one or her picking up random reduced Christmas things in Christmas. She have me £100 cash. To be honest none of my birthdays are all that memorable since it's only 5 days after Christmas it always seems kind of insignificant if that makes sense.
Since it is still not done I will do a few of the older ones.
Write about one thing that makes you unique or even unusual. (December 1st)
I suppose my allergies are the thing that makes me slightly unusual, my latex allergy especially. It makes my life complicated it's kind of scary when you start thinking about how many things you wouldn't even consider contain latex. I find as long as I take a lot of my allergy tablets I can cope with it I just end up ill afterwards.
Carnivores...herbivores...omnivores. Create an "___ivore" word to describe yourself and your eating habits. (November 30th)
I guess I would be a microwaveivore, since that's the only way I can cook anything lol. Or perhaps a nosauceivore there really isn't much I won't try so long as it doesn't come with a sauce of any kind. Nan has always said she thinks I am part fruit bat because I eat so much fruit.
Write about the first item you remember saving up to purchase. (November 29th)
This is going to sound really bad when I say this I can't think of anything I am pretty much of an instant gratification kind of girl. If I can't afford something I usually get a loan or something to pay for it and then pay that back. I suppose it has a lot to do with the fact that I have never had much spare money, it's always gone towards bills of one kind or another or before I met Mark it used to all go to my mum but that's another story. The only item I can ever remember saving money for (I kept it back out of my holiday money when I went to Cyprus with Nan) is this I saw an advert for it and was absolutely desperate to buy it. The day it came out I went and got it. I used to store it on top of my wardrobe so it wouldn't get damaged yet somehow my brother still managed to destroy the box one day. Right now it lives in the cupboard on my desk and I still play all of the cds in that set so much for it being a collectors edition item lol.
I think I will leave it there and go back to what I was working on I will be back later.

School Christmas Fete

As you can guess from the title today was Lukas's school Christmas Fete. Since Lisa had to go to Gary's work party I ended up taking Ella with us as well. Apart from telling them to please slow down they were really well behaved. The first thing they did when they got there was go and see the farm animals, this year they had a donkey, a pony, a sheep, a lamb, 3 dogs and a pair of turkeys. Lukas and Ella wanted nothing whatsoever to do with the turkeys they were both a little freaked by them. They also didn't want to touch any of the animals strange that was Lukas's favourite part last year. Then we bought some reindeer food at 20p a bag, I usually make this with Lukas on Christmas Eve. Everyone's mixture is slightly different mine usually includes a spoonful of readybrek powder, a teaspoon of sugar, some form of cereal depends what we have that no-one likes and glitter. We put it outside and I usually knock a little bit over on the floor after he has gone to bed and tell him the reindeer did it lol. Next we wondered into the hall and they had a lot of fun playing all of the games which all cost 20p a go. Guess where Santa left the sleigh, the teachers took there names and classes and they had to stick a little sticker on a board painted with a north pole scene where they thought the sleigh had been left. I think they will find out next week who was the closest and win a little piggy bank. Then they had a turn at Snowball in one, they had a little cardboard mini golf hole and they had to hit the snowball (golfball) into the hole. Lukas was surprisingly better at it than Ella. I guess he has to take his little victories where he can get them since she was better at almost every one of the other games. Next up was a game called shooting stars, they were given 3 stars and the aim was to throw them against the painted sky backdrop and make them land into the basket. Lukas didn't manage to get any in but he still got offered some sweets because it was run by the teacher he had last year lol. Ella managed to get all 3 stars into the basket and she got to choose between a box of smarties or a box of raisins, she went for the raisins. Then they played a knockout game that I can't remember the name of. They each got 4 throws of little cotton wool covered soft tennis balls, the idea was to knock down the 4 figures standing on the table 2 elves, a santa and a snowman I think. Lukas got 2 down and I think Ella did too. They both won little noisy prizes for that (Lukas had a little plastic thing that clicks like this but smaller and Ella had a little plastic thing like this but the things on either side were hand shaped) The next one they played was where they had to pop a balloon with a toothpick I tried to stay as far as way as possible from that one since popped balloons set of my allergy worse than anything else, guess it's the raw latex along the edges or something. They both managed to pop the ballons and Lukas choose a little soldier with a parachute as his prize and Ella went for a tacky plastic bracelet. Then they played another knock over game only difference was this one has scrunched up paper balls, the targets were rectangle cereal boxes cut in half and painted red with a little design on front and they only had to knock over one for a prize. The next game was a board covered with silver star stickers and you had to guess how many stars there were, names and classes were written down and the prize is a reindeer biscuit tin and a chocolate santa. Lukas guessed 112 stars and Ella guessed 121. That was run by our next door neighbour who is an LSA at the school. Then Ella played a game of Snowman bowling that Lukas showed no interest in. Next up was seeing Santa something they were both quite excited about. Santa had moved from where he was last year and this year had a little area decorated with white sheets, some fairy lights and a tree, he also got a little helper. It cost £1.50 this year I think it was either 50p or £1 last year. They were nice enough to let us take some pictures and even waited while Lukas was super slow. Both of them got presents and I told them they had to wait until they got home to open them. Then they went to do the one thing they had both been really looking forward to. It was a room where no adults were allowed they were supposed to go in choose a present for mummy or daddy and then pay £1 to buy it and have it wrapped up. Only problem was they had sold out of presents they were both quite sad because Nan had given them money to buy presents with. Then we let them play a game called Find Rudolph's Nose, a red ball was placed into a box filled with shredded paper, they had to put their hand in the box and find the red ball, there was a blue and yellow one in there as well. Both of them won, even though Lukas cheated slightly. As the lady running it tried to move the paper to rehide the ball after Ella's turn, he spied the ball and picked it up so never actually had to find anything lol. We told them we would take them to look at the book fair and then to the cafe for a drink since we were trying to cheer them up about the presents all being sold. They both cheered up quite a bit once they were able to find a package of books for the same amount of money as Nan had given them to buy presents with. They got a Cat In The Hat writing book, a Clifford the Big Red Dog story book and another hardback story book that I can't remember the name of and can't look for now because it's 4:30am lol. In The cafe Lukas wanted water and Ella wanted Elderflower. We found a table and I said they could open their presents from Santa and from winning Find Rudolph's Nose. Ella got a bright pink duck wash mitt from Santa and Lukas got a wooden kaleidoscope. They both got crayons from winning the game. We were going to head home but decided to take them back for one last game. They had managed to find some more things to use as presents (borrowed from the African stall which seems to make an appearance at every school event I think I wrote about it before but it's not really important). Off they went into the little room and came back out holding two little cloth bags. When I asked Ella if her's was for mummy or daddy she replied neither she was keeping it lol. Lukas said his present was for me. Then they did a decorate the cookie activity where they were given a biscuit to decorate with icing and sprinkles. Lukas decided to eat his before I could take a photo. Ella wanted nothing to do with eating them so he happily polished off hers as well lol. I told them they could play one more game and then it was time to go home. They both took turns at Pin The Star Over Bethlehem run by Lukas's current teacher. They had to wear a blindfold and were spun around then they had to pin the star over the picture of bethlehem on the board. I had to laugh at Lukas's teacher since she couldn't bear to see any of the kids lose she was guiding them all to the right place so they would win a prize. Lukas choose a green rubber and Ella didn't want one. Lukas then decided that he did want to play the snowman bowling after all so he had a super quick go on that and then we were done. They were both happy with everything they had done and all of their presents. The strangest thing about the whole night though had to be that both Lukas and Ella refused any sweetie prizes they won playing the games. The more times they were offered the more they refused. We got some pictures but I don't have the card reader plugged in right now so I will have to share them with you tomorrow. It was a nice way to spend the evening though. Right I really need to be getting on with some of the many things I am supposed to be working on. I will back later with today's one minute wonder prompt and hopefully will find time to share some layouts from one of the projects I am working on with you.

You know it I know it

when it comes to writing on here I often don't have anything to say. There really is only so many ways you can write got up, sat around all day, read some emails, tried to scrap or feel ill and since that is pretty much my day to day while Lukas is at school (if I get up lol I tend to be awake at night and sleep during the day) I don't really have much content. I used to just blog the layouts I had scrapped that day but I don't scrap as much any more either, maybe that will change with the new computer or maybe it won't but I wanted something else to use this blog for. Then when I was reading this weeks Writers Notebook entry on the We Are Storytellers Blog I saw something I thought was quite interesting. The One Minute Writer and The Daily Meme. Well I am always looking for new ways to journal on my layouts and prompts like this usually ask things that either I might forget about or might never be inspired to scrap without a little push. I am not going to promise to keep up with them every day because it's just unrealistic really, but I am going to try and at least do a few of them a week. So these are the 10 I got in my blog reader today when I subscribed to the blog, there are others on the blog and maybe when I have nothing else to say I will attempt some of them but for now the idea is to go forward with this idea not backwards. So this post could get kind of long sorry. So are you ready?

If you could have just one perfect minute today, what would it consist of?
I got my perfect moment today when I opened photoshop and it actually opened in a few seconds rather than a few hours I got 3 layouts done in less than an hour. That is about as perfect as it gets for someone who has had as many computer issues as I have lately. I can't belive how much happier I feel now that I can work quicker.

In what area of your life do you tend toward excess instead of moderation?
Well anyone know reads my blog knows that I do a lot of things in excess but my biggest would have to be scrapbooking supplies I have way more than I will probably ever use yet still I buy more. There is always something I feel I "need", something I am hoping to buy or something I can't help myself from picking up just because it's cute or I have some vague idea for a layout using it. I guess I am a Shopperholic or maybe a scrpperholic would be more accurate lol.

Write about an "online-only" friend you have not met in person.
Wow this one is super easy, my very best friend live on the other side of the world, we met through a creative team we were on. She is like my long lost sister or something we are always joking that we were seperated at birth because we have so much in common. I wouldn't even begin to describe how much I value her friendship if I had a whole year let alone 1 minute. With a friendship like this the distance doesn't really matter we are still always there for each other, but that doesn't stop us wishing there was a way that we could meet up and go for a coffee together or something. I know that she will always listen to me without judging and I would trust her with my life. She's such a special person and I adore her, don't I Amy lol.

Write about an item you own that isn't worth much money but has great value to you.
I actually scrapped about the most valuable item I own a little while ago, it's not worth anything in money really but to me it's priceless. Give me a minute and I will link you to the layout. Here you go the credits and journalling are underneath.

Write about one of your earliest memories.
I think I will come back to that one at a later date.

How do you strive to be similar to, or different from, your parents?
I think I will come back to that one as well.

You are designing your own house. Describe it.
If I was building my own house and money was no object I would probably have lots of soft furniture. Being comfortable is important to me. I would have carpets because everything else is cold to walk on and I like to barefoot at all times. I would have curtains not blinds and light coloured furniture probably beech (that's what we have now). I would have a desk like I have now but it would have a bit more shelving and a built in light. All of the rooms would be light and airy with lots of natural light but as little direct glare from the windows as possible. I would probably have a jacuzzi and as few stairs as possible. I would love a huge kitchen with space to sit around and a massive amount of storage space. I would also have a huge bath with a built in shower and Lukas would have a room big enough to have all his toys and be able to play with them. I would also love to have a little nursery and hey since it's my fantasy there would be a super cute little girl sleeping in it and an attached granny flat for Nan so she could be close enough for me to hear if she needed me but far enough away not to annoy me constantly.

If you had $100,000 to give away, to what person(s) or organization(s) would you give it?
I would probably donate the majority to the local SCBU (Special Care Baby Unit) so they could take care of more babies that were born too soon or were born sick. With more money they will be able to buy equipment to take care of the babies born too soon or too sick to go home better and maybe more of them will be able to stay in their local hospital instead of being sent miles and miles away because of the hospital having insufficent space or equipment to take care of them properly. Then I would make a donation to FSID (Foundation For The Study Of Infant Death) maybe they would be able to use it for research so that perhaps there won't be so many parents who have to go through the hell of losing their baby or child. Anything that means parents don't have to suffer that incredible pain of losing them is a thing worth supporting in my opinion. To me those two will always rank above any of the other charities out there because both of them have helped us a lot, SCBU gave us Lukas and Leo (even if it was only for a while) and FSID were always there after Leo died, they were really supportive even if I didn't use it at least I knew it was there if I had needed it. I believe that eventually their research will help even if it only manages to find a way to solve the question that haunts many people - why it happened.

What is your least favorite food, and why?
I would have to say dried fruit I have never understood why anyone would want to eat it, especially raisins. I hate the texture, I hate the smell and the taste makes me shudder. The only things that make me heave more than dried fruit is Fish and most condiments and sauces. I only have to smell fish or any of the many sauces I hate and I feel like I am going to throw up. Yes I know I am weird but I can't help it.

Share the story of how you got a scar (or any injury, even if a scar didn't result.)
I have quite a few scars because I am accident prone, but the worst ones have a story attached to them. When I lost Gaiebraille, the doctors decided that it would be best of they made me go into hospital and they gave me some medication to start off labour. When it didn't work they tried again and eventually after 6 weeks they made the decision to use a surgical method instead well the procedure they attempted didn't work either and they decided to do some scans and MRI's etc to find out why. When they did those they found out that I had more than one part to my uterus and that the baby would never be able to be removed via anything other than an invasive surgical procedure. They made a cut on either side of my tummy and a cut in the middle of my belly button where they inserted a camera, it took them a while but eventually they were finished. It's not exactly reassuring to be told that they removed that extra part and one of the tubes, and that even after looking they weren't exactly sure what they were dealing with. When they stitched up the cuts the made the stitches were put in too tight so I ended up with one scar you can barely notice (the middle one), one that faded but you can still feel (the left one) and one that still hurts to touch, is bright purple and can be felt through jeans and that was 6 years ago in February. Those are definately my most interesting scars.

Guess what I got today?

A brand new Vista Laptop!!!! It's very cute silver with a huge screen and has a built in webcam and microphone. I have already installed some of the things I consider vital like firefox and digsby. It makes the other computer look a little like a typewriter it's so fast. So I thought whille Mark is trying to burn some disks for me so I can get some work done on my new computer, I would get the latest layouts uploaded here. I also have a few other things I can do while I am waiting like catch up on my journal your christmas prompts and add stuff to the calendar. I have to admit I wasn't very happy about changing from Windows XP to Windows Vista but so far I am loving it. I currently have a lot of things I am working on that have super short deadlines hopefully when I don't have to spend lots of time swearing at the comnputer or waiting for it to load something I will be able to get through them all quickly. So anyway here are the layouts I have to share, Lukas's Christmas Card for school and 3 layouts. I am going to start with Lukas's Christmas Card since that is my favourite one. I put the cards through the printer to put the greeting inside (Merry Christmas Love Lukas no names since I didn't know them, but I did personalise them for family members) then I printed the design onto 4x6 photo paper and then glued the photos to the front of the cards. I made Mark put them in the envelopes since I can't lick them because they usually have latex in the glue and it's just not worth the risk.

Credits: Layered template (Brag Book, Album Cover Template) by Misty Cato, Merry and Bright by Kate Hadfield and Kaye Winiecki, Wordy Bits Christmas by Kate Hadfield and Tiff Brady, Santa Doodles by Kate Hadfield, Snowflake Overlay by Scrapidea Timkova and Glitter Styles by Megan Farrow (Flergs). Fonts used inside the card were Kids Scrawl and MA Quaddie.

The 1st layout was for Journal My Christmas so you can just click on the little graphic in the sidebar to go there and see it it seems silly to me to upload the same layout here and there.

The 2nd layout was the photos from our trip to see Angelina Ballerina, Lukas is not very pleased about the amount of pink on it but it's not easy to find ballet themed items that aren't pink!

Credits: Layered template (Angie'licous 3 Rectangle, Template 1) by Chrissy W, Ballet Slippers Element Pack and Ballet Slippers Paper Pack by Kate Hadfield and Jacque Larsen, Hand Sewn Stitches and Hand Sewn Neutral Stitches by Kate Hadfield, Alpha Split by Jessica Gorny and Dainty Dancer by Julie Billingsley. Fonts are FO Howie's Stamps Abundant and FO Howie's Stamps Lowfat both by Fontologie.

Journalling reads: When we went to see the Angelina Ballerina - Angelina’s Star Perfomance by the English National Ballet at the theatre, taking photographs of the show was forbidden. But I did manage to take this one of you, during the interval wearing the flashing ears souvenir you begged me to buy for you.

The last one was just a picture I took when Lukas was ill for once I just didn't have the words to describe how I felt when I took that, everything I wrote came out making me sound neurotic since it was so close to Leo's Anniversary so I went for a more simple approach and Lukas quite likes this one, I might go back at some point and add some journalling to it though they always seem incomplete to me without any.

Credits: Layered template (Mixin' It Up 4 Rectangle, Template 1) and It's Clear To Me by Chrissy W and Ouchie by Misty Cato. Font is FO Textura Traced by Fontologie. Journalling reads: 25th November 2008 Lukas is ill again!
Will probably not be back for a few days since I am going out tomorrow to Lukas's Christmas Fete at school and I really need to get some of those projects finished.

How many have you done?

I have been seeing this post on quite a lot of blogs lately and since I don't have anything else to say today I decided to give it a try, it's better than nothing right?
If you want to play, just copy and paste this list on your blog, and highlight which ones you've done.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Held a praying mantis
9. Climbed a mountain
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill.
24. Been to Vienna
25. Was on Television
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Learned a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone's life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

I'm tired today had a rough night last night for some reason unknown to me the seizures have started up again, I managed to smack my head in two different places on the wall and I am very sore and stiff all over so you will have to forgive me for not being very talkative today, I will be back tomorrow though. Nan is having all of the external Christmas Lights put up tomorrow and Mark is off all weekend so if I don't make it back don't worry, we just have a lot of stuff to get done this weekend (all boring like tidying up) and writing Christmas cards.

2 layouts to share

I don't really have anything to say today so I am just going to share the 2 layouts I have done so far this month. I am hoping to find the motivation to do some of the Journal Your Christmas prompts so far. Both of these were made using stuff from Chrissy and Angie's new grab bag (it's only available until the 7th and costs just $3.

Credits: Layered template (Mixin' It Up 4, Template 2) by Chrissy W, Slippery Slope by Chrissy W and Angie Kovacs and Worn Circles Overlays by Amy Wolff. Fonts are FO Printing Primer Abundant and FO Uptown Girl Lowfat both by Fontologie.

Journalling reads: Of all of the photographs I have of you this this blurry old polaroid will always be one of my favourites. Maybe it's because I don't have many of you then, or maybe it's just because it reminds me of when I used to have a say in the clothes you wore!

Enabling: Mixin' It Up 4 Templates by Chrissy W and Slippery Slope by Chrissy W and Angie Kovacs are available in the grab bag (linked above), Worn Circle Overlays by Amy Wolff available here and FO Printing Primer Abundant and FO Uptown Girl Lowfat fonts both by Fontologie available here and here.


Credits: Layered template (Mixin' It Up 4, Template 3) by Chrissy W, Funky Junky Home For The Holidays by Kate Hadfield, Rachel Young and Michelle Godin and Felt action by Tandika Star. Fonts are FO Howie's Stamps Abundant and FO Printing Primer In Between both by Fontologie.

Journalling reads: Top 10 Santa Claus Photographs. Dressing as Santa 02-05 going to see Santa 07-08.

Enabling: Mixin' It Up 4 Templates by Chrissy W available in the grab bag (linked above), Funky Junky Home For The Holidays by Kate Hadfield, Rachel Young and Michelle Godin available here and FO Howie's Stamps Abundant and FO Printing Primer In Between fonts both by Fontologie available here and here.

Bye bye November, Bye bye cloud

So you may have noticed that my blog has a new look, I decided that something more fitting of the cold weather was in order. I spent quite a while recolouring things to get the final look but I have to say I love it. With November finally over I am happy to say that I am finally feeling a little more cheerful than I have done for a while. Its nice to feel like doing something other than crying. I suppose you are wondering what I have been up to? Well we spent Leo's anniversary/heaven day together as a family. We took a coach to Milton Keynes and went to see Santa. That was nice and Lukas loved the present he got. We rode on the train in the display and did a little shopping and then we went to Ikea lol. It was a nice family day out and a great way to try not to dwell on Leo not being there. When we got back we were all too tired to light the candle and sing for him like we usually do but we do have plans to do that next weekend when Mark is off work again. The best part of the day was on the coach on the way home, I got a text message on my phone from my dad. I am not sure if you know but the relationship I have with him is not exactly normal. For the most part we don't really have a relationship since he lives in Scotland and I live in Oxford. Every so often one of us makes an effort to have a real relationship, we write letters or call each other and then eventually we stop bothering. I know he loves me because he does crazy things like come all the way down for my wedding, but we don't really communinicate. There are lots of reasons for this but none of them really matter it always comes down to the same thing. We care a lot about each other but it's hard to be the one to make the first move to make contact again. Anyway I wrote him a letter after Darren emigrated and I have been stalking the postman ever since. I really wanted him to write back but I wasn't sure if he would. Being the sarcastic type of person I am I kind of left him with no excuse not to contact me because I added a whole sheet with email addresses, phone numbers etc he can use to get in touch with me. But anyway back to the text message. There aren't many people who have my mobile number, I do most of my talking via email or instant message. So I was a little surprised to get a text message and assued it was just Mark sending me one from his seat a few rows back. To say I was intrigued when it showed a number instead of a name is an understatement. Then I read it and how I restrained myself from shouting it out to the whole bus I don't know lol. Think positive pregnancy test after miscarriage, winning lottery ticket and anything else like that and you might be getting close to how thrilled I was lol. I know it sounds strange that something that simple can make me so happy but it just does. I can't explain except to say that it makes me belive anything is possible. Does that make any sense at all. Anyway I spent the rest of the way home having a text conversation with him until he had to go to work. It's knowing that I have a way to tell my dad something and get an instant reply instead of having to write a letter, post it and hope that it arrived and then wait for him to write back. It couldn't really be simpler to stay in touch could it. If he doesn't keep in touch now I will at least know it's not because of misunderstandings and unreceived mail. Neither one of us will be thinking the other isn't interested in talking. I am rambling I know sorry I just can't seem to help it. I really have to go and get some stuff done now but I will be back later on I have too much stuff to say for a change. It's just so nice to have that problem instead of the one I had last month.

Damn I hate November

I really really hate November. I am so tired of feeling unfocused, unmotivated and unfulfilled in my life. I know that Leo's anniversary always makes my life a little strange, I know it hurts and I also know that it will probably always hurt but usually I function semi-normally until at least a the week before, and then I just feel a little down and blue, I tend to keep to myself and avoid the forums and the blogs for a few days and spend more time than usual hugging Lukas and telling him I love him. I crave physical touch in any way I can get it, be it hugs or kisses or just holding hands. I understand that and I accept that I almost expect that to happen. But this month has been different I have spent the whole month feeling depressed, and wanting to cry a lot of the time. I had a meeting today with Lukas's teacher and she didn't tell me anything I didn't know already but I was fighting back tears on the way home. Hearing all the areas he's behind in and needing extra help makes me sad, I feel guilty and responsible. I suppose it's because I know how much of his mummy got lost the same day as Gaiebraille died, how much more was lost with Leo and what he was left with by the time we got to Ambrose. I wanted to be so many things to him I had these dreams of sitting with him and doing his homework, helping him to be the best person he could be and being loving and supportive and I know I failed miserably in my opinion. I know that in other people's opinion I am doing the best I can do and that should be good enough but for me it's not I want to be so much better than I am. Creativity usually helps me to focus to turn the negatives things into more positive ones but I am completely uninspired. I can't drag up the effort to open photoshop let alone scrap. Lukas is cross with me because I haven't made any new layouts. I am mad at my self because I am letting this negativity overwhelm my life and Nan is driving me insane, yap yap yapping about Christmas. I don't want to think about Christmas and it's all she Nan is talking about fairy lights and decorations just make me angry at the moment. I hate the falseness of the holiday, buying gifts for people you don't speak to any other time of the year. Pretending you like people for that one damn day and know full well that the next day they will be right back to bitching about you like they do the other 364 days in the year. I'll get over it but right now it's safer for everyone if I stay in my bedroom and avoid as much conversation as possible. Because otherwise I am bound to say things I will regret and mabe even end up hurting people's feelings when I don't mean to. I hate this damn black cloud I am under right now I wish it would just bugger off and annoy someone else for a little while.

Reality is a strange thing

it's the only thing in the world that has the power to warn you it's going to make you suffer, only you don't take the warning it offers seriously because you hope that the reality will change. It's like how you know that something is coming and you are given fair warning about it yet you still wake up one morning and it's managed to sneak up on you and make you think life sucks. The thing about reality is you have a lot of tools at your disposal that you use to try and convince yourself that things will change. Are you lost yet? Then let me give you an example, when you have an exam in three weeks time that you have to pass, three weeks is a long time right so there's no need to study today and you use that excuse for the next week or so. Time is on your side so there is no need to hurry, that's using the tool of procrastination. Then there's when the weather forcast says it's going to rain on the day of your wedding that's being held outside that tool there would be hope, you hope that the reality will change. Then there's the last one I want to talk about right now the one that only happens after procrastination and hope don't work anymore complete and utter denial when you simply refuse to believe the reality staring you in the face. Now you may be wondering why I am bringing this up tonight well my brother met a girl and they fell in love. Her family emigrated to New Zealand and they planned to follow once they had finished college and made arrangements. Well at first I have to admit we all had to attitude that we would believe it when we saw it. It was a long way off and things change. Well though their plans got delayed and they had some ups and downs they still planned to go through with it. Then we moved onto hoping that they might change their minds, maybe they would get bored of each other or he would realise he was moving to the other side of the world and think twice about his choice. Then when they got the money together and went for a visit there was the hope that maybe he wouldn't like it. But when he came back he was more enthusiastic about the move then he ever has been about anything. So it became obvious that denial was more than just a river in Egypt. I didn't want to believe he was really going. Don't get me wrong I wish him and his fiancee all the happiness in the world I really do and I would never ever try and stop him from leaving because I know that is what he wants. But to me even though here is only a few years age difference between us he will always be my baby brother. The one I used to defend at school, the one I worry about and want to protect. He also happens to be the only one who wants to have a relationship with me.It's really hard to know that's he's leaving and never coming back. There won't ever be a possibility of running into him again while I do my shopping or buying him alcohol to sneak into my mum's house lol. I am going to miss him and it makes me sad. In 3 short days he will be on a plane on the way to start his new life and because they gave up their flat and moved back in with my mum to save money I won't even get to tell him goodbye in person. I left him a facebook message telling him to be safe and just have to keep my fingers crossed that he sees it before he goes.

So I know lately

that my posts have been kind of well depressing, and I am sorry for that I really am. It's not like I enjoy writing posts that only highlight the bad parts of my life, the problem is sometimes it's hard to see the good parts it's easy to overlook the little things that make me smile. So today I decided to share with you three things that have made me smile this week. The first would have to be Lukas who always has this magic talent to make me feel better, he can definately turn any frown upside down. His latest trick for the want of a better word is to simply look at me and say these words "Mum", "What Lukas?", "Your beautiful do you know that", (instantly getting a lump in my throat) "aww thank you baby, that's really sweet" "your the best mummy in the whole world" (getting more choked with every word) "and your my best boy" "I'm glad your my mummy" "i'm really glad your my baby Lukas" "I love you 100" "and I love you a million Lukas". So that's something in my life that makes me feel loved every single day yet I have never bothered to blog about it before. The second thing would again be Lukas and stuff he says only this time it's not his loving nature its his sense of humour. Last night we had a very fun conversation that went something like this. I was cuddled up behind him after I had given him a bath and washed his hair and I said to him "Oh you smell really nice now" his answer just made me laugh out loud, "Do, I? because I just farted and it was a really stinky one" lol. He says stuff like that all the time,no hesitation just things he comes out with that make me smile and yet I never blog about those times either. Then finally the third thing is the pride Lukas has for me. He looks at every layout I make and begs me to print them out for him, asks me often why I don't pick him up from school and when I ask why tells me "because I want to show you to my friends". He doesn't care that I am ill, or fat or that I don't act anything like a normal mummy and yet he still loves me anyway. I am so very blessed to have him. He's been telling me off for not posting my layouts for him to see on here so I am going to do that for him now and then I am off to do my job as a mummy and rub his poor leg (he hurt it yesterday at school and can't stand on it so he's been off school today and had a great time sitting down on my computer watching stuff playing games and being waiting on hand and foot lol). Before I go here are the layouts. I only have 4 to share sorry, the first 3 are using Chrissy's new Angie'licious 3 templates and the last one is using the Elemental Scraps November Mega Kit by Team 2 Egocentric.


Credits: Layered template (Angie'licious 3, Template 3) by Chrissy W and Just Say Boo by Royanna Lea Frtschmann. Font is FO Messy Bessy by Fontologie. Journalling reads: Since our 1st day at Chessington was a complete washout thanks to the rain we had to wait until our second park visit to take some cute photos of you sat on one of the pumpkin patch displays around the park. This one was in Beanoland and I almost felt guilty asking you to sit on it since it was so cold and the hay was bound to still be damp. Your grinning because you know that this one photo is a trade for the endless goes on the ride you want to go on. You know that I wanted it so badly I would have agreed to almost anything you wanted in exchange for this one shot of you, looking adorable on the pumpkin patch I take comfort from the fact that one day you will have kids of you own and they will be the ones doing the bargaining while you stand and beg them for “just one nice photograph please”.


Credits:Layered template (Angie'licious 3, Template 1) by Chrissy W, Legacy Treasures by Royanna Lea Fritschmann, I'm Talking 'bout remembering you and Play 2..0 wordart by Jodie McNally. Fonts are FO Textura Traced and FO Weathered In Between both by Fontologie. Journalling reads: God sent an angel to the earth... The sweetest angel too and for such a tiny little thing, he had so much to do. He knew he did not have much time upon this earth to stay, so he did not waste a second he got started right away. His eyes were bright and sparkly, he took in every turn. he did not miss a single thing, because Leo came to learn! God sent him here to touch the hearts of those He could not reach... He taught us courage, strength and faith,because he came to teach. His tiny little body was so full of God above, you felt it when you held him, because Leo came to love. In three short months he managed what many never will. When he went home to heaven, his purpose was fulfilled. He learned and taught, smiled and cooed, he learned his lessons well. I know it was his time to go but losing him was hell.


Credits: Layered template (Angie'licious 3, Template 2) and Oh Boy, I'm Worn Out Alpha (slightly recoloured) by Chrissy W, Journalling Strips by Angie Kovacs, Hand Sewn Neutral Stitching and Heavy Duty Staples by Kate Hadfield, A Papered Life 16 - High Style Terracotta (slightly recoloured), Gettin' Framed 02 (Slightly recoloured), Gettin' Handled And Buckled and Ripped & Worn Paper Notes by Royanna Lea Fritschmann and Plastic Mesh Action Small by Tandika Star. Fonts are FO Printing Primer Abundant and FO Printing Primer In Between both by Fontologie. Journalling reads: When we told you that it was time to go home from the holiday, we were expecting a tantrum, or maybe a few tears at the very least a really really bad tempered little boy. But we couldn’t have been more surprised to hear you asking us if it was time to go home yet or you bursting into tears when we told you that we were going to the zoo. You were so exhausted from the previous three days, fed up of the weather, homesick and missing Nana you begged us to not go and please go home. I have to admit I was secretly a little glad we didn’t have to add all that travelling onto our day again or try and negotiate the zoo with all the luggage. But I was still disappointed we hadn’t got to have our planned zoo day. We packed up all of the clothes into the suitcase and all of the souvenirs between the bags and the rucksack. All of your teddy bears and stuffed animals went into your pyjama bag and I ended up with all the other bits and pieces in the John Cena bag. People must have thought we had been on holiday for a month instead of the only 5 days! By the time we dragged all of this to the bus stop me and daddy were starting to feel tired you on the other hand looked like this. You were so happy that we were finally on our way home. Or at least we would be after one last stop - Our 1st trip to Ikea! Whether you were looking forward to going there and getting a present or just glad to leave the hotel and know we were heading home we will never know. But I will say it was really nice to get some photographs of you looking genuinely happy and excited,it’s just a shame we had to wait until we were leaving for them!


Credits: Layered template (Egocentric, Team 2 November Mega Kit) by Chrissy W, Everything else is from the Egocentric kit contributions by Jannylynn Brokken, Chris Wasielewski, Chrissy W and Nikki Scott. Font is FO Journal Away by Fontologie. Journalling reads: One of your favourite things about Chessington is getting to go to Pizza Hut and have your very own pepperoni pizza. First we have to order the pizza and find a bench to sit on. When you take the first piece out you always gaze out of the window for a little while. Then you suddenly remember there’s a pizza in front of you! The first piece always gets eaten super quickly, I don’t think you even taste it. The second piece a little slower you usually pick off the pepperoni and eat that first. The thrid part is slower still you often stop and chat to me between bites. The last bit is the one you eat the slowest because you don’t want to finish the pizza, you love sitting in there and hate it when we have to leave. Then you lick all of the pizza off of your fingers, before you do the part that makes me laugh every single time you pick up the pizza box and peer inside, shaking it just to make sure that there is definately none left inside. That’s followed with a sad face and then a quick drink before you sigh and pick up your things and get ready to go.You are always so disappointed that we have to leave. Poor little man.

Be back with the enabling a little later on the little master needs his mummy lol.

Is there anyone out there who feels happy at the moment?

Because it doesn't seem like it to me. Everywhere I look people are sad or miserable, everyone seems worn out and snappy. I know personally I feel even more tired than I normally do and my temper has been a lot shorter than normal, I put it partly down to me still being sick but that argument only works for myself. I know that I feel yuck but it can't just be down to me. Nan and Mark are driving me insane if it's not one whinging it's the other. I am so sick of hearing them talk I just want to smash their heads together or duct tape their mouths shut for a while. Almost everything they are saying and doing is irritating me. I fail to grasp why they both feel the need to vocalise every bitchy complaint about each other to me, why can't they just cut out the middle man (well middle woman actually lol) and bitch at each other instead. I don't want to hear both sides of the argument or more accurately I don't want to hear either side of the argument. I just want to be left out of it completely. I feel a lot more withdrawn and depressed than I have done for a while too. Lukas is laying around a lot like he just can't be bothered to do anything. None of the kids seem to want to play with anything they all just seem really listless and fed up. But fed up and tired is one thing irritated constantly is another.Today Mark has annoyed me by going to his dad's all day yet again. He did finally find Lukas's swimming trunks that he lost but I am still mad nothing he promised to do has been done. He's borrowed some money from Lukas's piggy bank because we are seriously low on funds this week, I could care less as long as he replaces it when he gets paid but that set off Nan. Firstly I don't think it's any of her bloody business and secondly why does she feel like I need to know about it? If she has a problem with something Mark has done why can't she tell him? Then I had a lecture about a letter that came home from Lukas's school. I hate letters from school they are a major cause of arguments around here. I can not grasp why Nan feels like she is entitled to read every letter that comes home addressed to lukas's PARENTS, yes capital letters because it really iritates me. She isn't his parent and she doesn't have the right to have an opinion about school stuff as far as I am concerned. But that's my opinion I choose to bite my tongue usually but sometimes I have to resort to scratching chunks out of my hands when I am clenching my fists to avoid punching her. Lukas's school sent a letter home yesterday about a fund raising thing they are doing. I don't like school fundraisers I prefer to choose what charities I support and how I support them. The charity they are fund raising for happens to be one of the ones I don't agree with so I am choosing not to participate and donate money. I believe I am entitled to express that view. Nan on the other hand tries to bully me into supporting a charity I don't believe in with what I basically call blackmail. Words like "Lukas will be the only one who doesn't", "How will that look to other people" and "people will comment" generally don't achieve any result except making me want to thump you. I refuse to be bullied into doing something just because "everyone else will be doing it". I want Lukas to form his own opinions about charity and donating. I don't think charity should ever be forced. I'm also in the position right now where I can barely avoid to pay my bills and feed Lukas so charity is kind of the last thing on my mind. Don't get me wrong we are not always like this we will be ok for money at the end of the month but for now thanks to the holiday we are struggling. Everytime the school does things like this is causes a row because usually she goes behind my back and makes a donation in my name anyway. They did a fundraiser a while back where the kids had to take in £2.50 and they would get a pair of socks, all the money went to a charity I firmly disagree with so I said no I wouldn't be doing it. Lukas came home with the socks and said Nan gave him the money which drove me insane and caused a huge row. I hate it when people go behind my back, I hate it when she makes me feel like I am a bad mother and I just wish she would butt out and mind her own business once in a while. It's no different when his school reports come home she often gets them out of his bag and reads them before I do. I guess I have just reached the point where I want to be allowed to be the parent I am supposed to be. I am his mum and I just wish that people would start seeing me as that. The only way I can ever see a way out of this is to move out since it's her house, I have to end up following her rules and her butting in and making me feel guilty, I have to tolerate her interfereing but I don't want to anymore. I also don't know how I can move out at the moment the idea of being alone in our own house is great in theory but the idea of losing the few remaining family members I have left breaks my heart. If I move out it will cause a huge row and I will feel guilty about her being on her own here. It was bad enough when she broke her arm and I was upstairs and didn't hear her. Every day I have to live with the knowledge that one day she is going to die, and either she is going to be on her own and it may be days before anyone finds her or the very real possibility that I am going to be the one who goes in to wake her up one morning and finds her. I don't like either situation. I don't want her to be alone but I wish I wasn't the one who had to live here with her. She is so hard for me to deal with especially when I am ill myself, but there's no-one else she's my responsibility because no-one else can be bothered with her. The saddest part for me is in my heart I know that my relationship with her and my marriage can not both survive in this environment. Eventually something is going to have to give and I will end up losing one of them for good. I don't want to choose between them but I can't keep living like this. It's just too hard.

It's been a long week

and to be honest I am not really sure where to start. Since we got back I have been struggling with a lot of things, so much piled up while we were away and I am finding it difficult to get back on track. It doesn't help that I am still really sick and things here are to be blunt not that great. There is a lot of stuff going on here that I have no control over and are making me really depressed. Things like the broken washing machine or the bags that are still waiting to be unpacked bother me but I just can't be bothered to sort them. Things like the mountains of washing that are piling up everywhere, Mark is taking them to his dad's to wash but he can only take so much at a time which I can do absolutely nothing about but are driving me insane. The problem is we are not short of clothes, I have way too many but some of the stuff Mark has chosen to wash is insane. One example is Lukas's pyjamas. He currently has 6 pairs that fit properly, 2 pairs that are starting to be outgrown and 2 pairs that are summer ones (shorts and t-shirts) yet he doesn't have a single pair clean! Tonight he has gone to bed in a pair of bottoms that don't seem to have a top (not uncommon around here since he usually needs tops in a bigger size and the trousers are then too long. When he's outgrown the top the trousers are just starting to fit) and a long sleeved t-shirt. But he's washed about 6 of my tops (did I mention I currently have about 3 drawers full of clean tops?). We are all tired and fed up, everyone is bickering and grumpy and honestly the holiday was really not the break we had hoped it would be. We tried to have a good time but our hearts just weren't in it. I will have to save the holiday details for another post because I want to give you an account that includes some good part and not just torrential rain and a crappy hotel. What I really need is to feel better for one day so I can get everything sorted out. I just can't face the effort of dragging to the doctors yet again though. So I am trying to just get on with things when all I really want to do is climb into bed and sleep. This is a really whiny post isn't it, sorry. I am just very frustrated with everything at the moment, hopefully things will be better tomorrow. Now that I have finally cleared the backlog of emails, blogs and other stuff that built up I am hoping I will feel a little less overwhelmed and not want to cry all the time. I am even keeping my fingers crossed for little bit of peace and quiet today, maybe the chance to have 5 minutes to myself or *wishful thinking* some scrapping time. Actually I feel a bit better now that I have typed that out, so thanks for listening. Back later.

Probably my last post before we go

and it's going to be a super quick one because Mark will be home soon and I have a huge list of things that need to be done before tomorrow. The suitcase still isn't packed, the printer needs to be fixed so the tickets can be printed out plus all the usual stuff like tidying up, bathing Lukas, getting him undressed. Right now I am just getting frustrated with Lukas because he is noisy, annoying and driving me crazy. I just need him to sit for a while or at the very least turn down his volume a bit. I have spent the whole day alternating between "Lukas calm down and stop running around" and "Lukas please be quiet" and there's been a few "Lukas just shut up for 5 minutes you are driving me insane" lol got to love half term and overexcited monkeys. So while he was downstairs tormenting Nan for a while I managed to get a layout scrapped. My hands are really tied with getting holiday stuff done until Mark comes home. I can't pack because I don't know what clothes he wants, can't do the printing because he hasn't fixed the printer. I have a few others from yesterday to share too. Scrappng is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment, it's one of the only things that stops my mind racing with everything that needs to be done, or gotten ready. I kind of feel like my head is going to explode sometimes with how much I have to remember, I am so unsettled at the moment my head is a mess.
Anyway here are the layouts I have to share with you, hopefully we will have a blast on holiday and I will come back with tonnes of new photos to scrap and inspiration to scrap them (I can dream can't I lol) I'm hoping we hve such a good time I don't stop to think about all the Digital Scrapbooking Day festivities I am missing.

The 1st one was created for Chrissy's new template challenge, the rectangle version.

Credits: Layered template (Template Challenge 8 Rectangle) by Chrissy W, Lakehouse by Angie Kovacs and Chrissy W, The Right Path Basics, The Glittered Edge Alpha and Not Too Shabby Papers by Angie Kovacs, Cardboard Swirls (used as clipping mask) by Bren Boone, Funky Hearts and Glitter Styles by Megan Farrow (Flergs) and Make Me Gorgeous Action by Lauren Barden. Font is FO Free Refill by Fontologie.

Enabling:

The 2nd one was created using this month's Songbird Avenue kit.

Credits: Layered template (Edge 2 Edge, Template 2) by Chrissy W, Label Me 01 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann and Peachy Keen (Songbird Avenue October 08) by Meredith Fenwick, Jan Crowley and Pamela Gibson. Fonts are FO Howie's Stamps Abundant and FO Howie's Stamps Lowfat both by Fontologie.

Journalling reads: The first time we went to Jamboray, with Conor, Ella, Morgan and Reece you had a great time. Driving the cars, playing in the ballpit, scaling the cargo nets, sliding down the huge slide, jumping on the trampolines and climbing over the obstacle course. I tried really hard to take some photos for you to remember your first trip there, but you were all busy rushing about and playing on everything You were way too fast for me, I just couldn’t keep up. By the time I found a camera setting that gave me acceptable results and started to learn how to take photos, the camera batteries died. But that’s ok you had fun and that’s what is really important. But that means we will have to go back again so I can have another go at getting some photographs. But I am pretty sure you will have no objections to that will you Lukas.

Enabling:

The 3rd one was created using Royanna's Passionately Pink Blog Freebies.

Credits: Layered template (Sample Pack 7, Template 4) by Chrissy W, Passionately Pink Blog Freebies 1,2 and 3 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann, Stitched Stems by Natalie Braxton and I Miss My Mother Wordart by Merkeley Designs. Fonts are FO Weathered In Between and FO Printing Primer Abundant both by Fontologie.

Journalling reads: When I first met you I really liked you, I can’t say the feeling was very mutual but it didn’t matter, I loved you like a second mother. When you were first diagnosed with Cancer I remember being the one to hold you. Being the one to hide my own tears from you and being the one to hold your son and tell him everything was going to be ok. We watched you get sick with the chemotherapy and I remember sitting and spending hours looking online for things to make it easier on you - Wigs, Bras, and other stuff like that but you never ended up having to have the mastectomy you were so afraid of. Then for a while it looked like everything was going to be ok, we started to hope for a future. When you found that second lump I urged you to go to the doctors but you delayed and wasted precious time. For a while I hated you for doing that. Hated you for not going and getting it checked and treated. Hated you for telling me this information that I had to hide from the one I love. But more than that I hated you for not caring enough to think about anyone but yourself. It was so hard on all of us when you had to start treatment again. I used to think that maybe if you had gone to the doctors like I begged you to, or you had taken your medication like you should have done maybe we wouldn’t have to go through this. Then we moved out and barely saw you. When you started being admitted to hospital we assumed it was because yet again you were not following doctors advice. But we were wrong. After you died we found out you were much sicker than any of us had ever thought, maybe even more than you knew. I know we had our differences but that doesn’t mean that a single day goes by when I don’t wish I had got the chance to tell you how much I cared.

Enabling:

The 4th one is the one I did today with an old photo I found of Lukas.

Credits: Layered template (Shop For Sarah, Template 9) by Char Huskins and Hold Fast by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Fonts are FO Free Refill and FO Printing Primer Abundant both by Fontolohie.

Journalling reads: When we took this photograph, you had a great big bruise on your head from bumping into something. You were still small enough to wear babygros to bed and you really loved to sleep on your Fimbles inflatable bed. You looked so tiny laying in it, not at all like the big boy you were all of the rest of the day. We never once thought this would be the last photograph of you in it we got. Never thought that you would become a big brother 4 days later. Maybe if we had known what was coming next, these moments would have seemed more precious than they were. We would have clung to every single second of them. This photograph will always remind me of just how precious those little moments are and how quickly they can be gone.

Enabling:

Will try and add the enabling later if I get a chance.

Cyber Sunday or should that be Scrapping Sunday?

It's a drive by posting tonight because I am off to watch WWE Cyber Sunday, unfortunately the yummy John Cena is still out injured so I will have to settle for just watching violence lol. I have been really busy scrapping all day long today and have managed to max out my gallery uploads everywhere and I still have 2 more to upload (unless I get anymore done during Cyber Sunday lol)

First up I have 3 more layouts with Chrissy and Angie's Grab Bag.

Credits: Layered template (Edge 2 Edge Rectangle, Template 4) and Seasons Word Clouds by Chrissy W and Lakehouse by Angie Kovacs and Chrissy W and Glitter Styles by Megan Farrow (Flergs). Font is FO-Textura by Fontologie.

Journalling reads: Making footprints, eating the snow, building a snowbaby, making snow angels and then going to the park and sliding down into a snowpile were just some of the things we had fun doing when it snowed in April.


Credits: Layered template (Edge 2 Edge, Template 1) by Chrissy W, Grab Bag Text Paths by Angie Kovacs and Lakehouse by Chrissy W and Angie Kovacs. Font is FO Printing Primer Abundant by Fontologie.

Journalling reads: When we go to the park as a family we rarely manage to get any photographs of you.There are always too many things you want to do like run around and play on everything. It’s nice that you have a great time playing but not so good for mummy to take any photographs of you. When mummy was ill and you and Daddy went to Hinksey Park alone. Daddy managed to take a few as you were sitting on the riverbank enjoying a snack and feeding the ducks. It’s nice to see that sometimes even you can just sit still.


Credits: Layered template (Edge 2 Edge, Template 3) by Chrissy W, Not Too Shabby Papers and Journalling Strips by Angie Kovacs, I'm Talking 'bout Birthdays Wordart by Jodie McNally and Cupcakes and Glitter Styles by Megan Farrow (Flergs). Fonts are FO Textura Empty and FO Textura Traced both by Fontologie.

Journalling reads: Choose cake-Add icing-Taste test-Add decorations-Show it off-Add More decorations-Enjoy eating it. School Summer Fete 08.

Then there's this one using a template by Chrissy and an older kit by Royanna.

Credits: Layered template (AD It Up Rectangle, Template 3) by Chrissy W and Treasured Inspirations and Photosplicer 01 by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Fonts are FO-Empty Wrapper Abundant and FO-Weathered In Between both by Fontologie.

Journalling reads: While you and daddy were waiting to ride on the Tiny Truckers, Mummy amused herself by taking some pictures of all the pretty flowers. Mummy is very very allergic to both wasps and bees, but when I saw this bee land on the flower I really wanted a photograph. It was hard for me to resist my urge to walk away because I was afraid. But because I found the courage to stay I ended up with this beautiful picture. I was really proud that I had managed to overcome my fear of being stung long enough to take it.

Then finally there are 4 brag book pages for the Brag Book Challenge with WendyZine over at Scrapbook Graphics.

Credits: Layered template (May, Right Side) by WendyZine Scraps, Dusk Till Dawn by Megan Farrow (Flergs) and Photo Tints by Katie Pertiet. Font is FO Printing Primer In Between by Fontologie.

Journalling reads: One of the things I have always loved about you is your imagination. Watching you playing with the Blox is a great time to see it in action. There’s no limit to what they can become, at least until you get bored with them.


Credits: Layered template (June, Right Side) by WendyZine Scraps and Chase-ing Ryan, Paper Garden and Grab Bag Cluster Borders by Megan Farrow (Flergs). Font is FO Printing Primer In Between by Fontologie.

Journalling reads: Things we barely notice grab your attention. I’m greatful that you often drag me down to your level and point out all the little things to me. It’s fun to see things from your perspective.


Credits: Layered template (July, Right Side) by WendyZine Scraps and Deacons Closet and Deacons Closet Sampler by Megan Farrow (Flergs). Font is FO Printing Primer In Between by Fontologie.

Journalling reads: School events always allow me to see a whole different side of you. It makes me happy to see you playing with your friends and listening to people who are genuinely pleased to see you. It’s nice to see that you’re making progress and improving at things all the time. I’m so proud of you.


Credits: Layered template (August, Right Side) by WendyZine Scraps and Fancy Pants by Megan Farrow (Flergs). Font is FO Printing Primer In Between by Fontologie.

Journalling reads: You are always helping me to change as a person and become a better mummy to you. When you were sick on your birthday I was sad that we would have to cancel our plans. But you showed me that to you the actual date means nothing. As long as we got to celebrate at some point you were happy. Thanks for reminding me to always go with the flow.

No enabling because I really want to go and watch people pounding each other lol. But the grab bag is linked in the last post and I will be back with the enabling tomorrow.

If your wondering

Nope my mood really isn't much better than it was the last time I blogged. Nan is still driving me around the bend and I had a massive argument with her earlier. But I don't want to talk about it. I also don't want to talk about how every single day I am counting down to our little break away from things I am reading more and more about Digital Scrapbooking Day celebrations that I am going to miss. Yes my timing sucks the biggest digital scrapbooking party of the year and I will be nowhere near a computer to participate. Last year was a blast but I am trying to look on the bright side. I am going to spend 4 whole nights almost 3 hours away from Nan in a hotel, just us. It's not just the Digital Scrapboking Day celebrations it's missing Halloween too. I love looking at the little trick or treaters costumes even if Lukas is rarely interested in anything to do with it. I suppose it didn't really help my mood that Lukas turned around today and said he doesn't want me to go on holiday with him. He only wants to go with daddy, but he won't tell me why. So a pretty crappy day all round except for one thing I got 2 layouts done. Chrissy W and Angie Kovacs have opened a joint store at Elemental Scraps and to celebrate they have released a grab bag. That's what I have been busy with tonight. So no more moaning tonight only the layouts. First up is the one I did the other day that you haven't seen yet about my very sexy shoes.


Credits: Layered template (McTurtle'icious Rectangle, Template 4) by Chrissy W, Accouterment Junque by Royanna Lea Fritschmann and I'm Talking 'bout Sports Wordart by Jodie McNally. Font is FO-Textura by Fontologie.

Journalling reads: I may not be a girly girl, but like most women I do have a little weakness for pretty shoes. I love the added height and the way any outfit can be made to look better. But most of all I love how shoes are sexy on anyone regardless of their size. This pair happen to one of my favourites, they are platform heels so I can actually walk in them, the only problem is they really hurt. I only wear these when I am going out somewhere I am likely to feel unsecure. They give me a much needed confidence boost and look great on so to me that makes them worth any pain.

The next one was made almost entirely with Chrissy and Angie's Grab Bag, the only thing not in it was the little date stamp element.

Credits: Layered template (Edge 2 Edge Rectangle, Template 2) by Chrissy W and Lakehouse by Chrissy W and Angie Kovacs and Postage Date Stamps by Amber Clegg. Font is FO Howie's Stamps Abundant by Fontologie.

Journalling: When we got home from school one day, Nana told you that Lisa was coming to pick you up, to go and play at Jamboray with Conor and Ella. Mummy and Nana were coming to. We had to rush to get you changed out of your school uniform and into some going out to play clothes. You started to whine that you were hungry so I offered you a super quick snack of cereal and mini ring doughnuts. When you saw them you got that cheeky little glint in your eyes. Your little brain was cooking up something cheeky to do but because we were in a rush I just left you to it. Then I hear you calling me and I turn around and see this. You somehow came up with the idea that you could look through them like glasses. Apparently it’s more fun to play with your food than it is to eat it. Obviously I had to snap a few pictures of you before I got you all cleaned up. It’s a good job Lisa is always late when she picks us up to go anywhere. You always manage to make me laugh lukas. I only wish I knew where you come up with all these crazy ideas.

The last one I have to share was made using a template from Chrissy and Angie's Grab Bag and Royanna's contribution to the mega kit for Breast Cancer at Divine Digital. The kit is huge and the money raised is going to something very close to my own heart. As you know Mark's mum died earlier this year from Cancer that started as Breast cancer and spread throughout her body.

Credits: Layered template (Edge 2 Edge Rectangle, Template 1) by Chrissy W and Passionately Pink by Royanna Lea Fritschmann. Font is FO Printing Primer Abundant by Fontologie.

Journalling reads: After the row with my mum when she stopped speaking to me, I found out she was pregnant again. It broke my heart that I would have a little brother or sister that I would never get to see.Never get to hold or show them how much I loved them. When she was born I found out her name from friends and family who speak to my brothers. She was called Maiya. It hurt me so much not to be able to buy her teddy bear or outfits to welcome her to the world. I saw a couple of pictures of her on one of my brothers Facebook acount, and it felt like my heart was broken. To look and not be able to touch. As time went on I accepted it and tried to move on. Then one day something amazing happened the kids came and knocked on the door on their way home from school. I was beyond thrilled to see them and couldn’t wait to hear all of the things they wanted to tell me. But I worried about what would happen if my mum ever found out they had been here. They came a few times and then the visits stopped. I had accepted that might happen, but my heart still broke a little more. One day my sisters knocked on the door. They had bought my baby brother Daniel with them. They were supposed to be taking him to the park.Then another day they came and brought me the greatest gift I have ever received. They bought Daniel and my baby sister Maiya with them. I almost had to pinch myself,because I couldn’t believe that she was right there in front of me and I could see her and hold her for the first time. It amazed me that she has never met me yet she was more than happy for me to pick her up. Perfectly content to sit on my lap and even managed to give me a few smiles. I took photographs of her and Daniel until my batteries ran out. I would love to scrap them all because they are so precious to me but The risk of someone seeing them and telling my mum just isn’t worth it to me. I couldn’t bear to think of what the girls would go through. They risked so much by making the choiceto come here and bring the kids to see me. I truly appreciate it more than they will ever know. It made me feel so special that they thought I was worth the risk. It gives me hope for a future with them in it.

I will add the enabling tomorrow but for now I will leave you with the product ads linked to the products.
Here's the one for the grab bag (image is linked)


Here's the one for the charity kit (image is linked)