Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Is there anyone out there who feels happy at the moment?
Because it doesn't seem like it to me. Everywhere I look people are sad or miserable, everyone seems worn out and snappy. I know personally I feel even more tired than I normally do and my temper has been a lot shorter than normal, I put it partly down to me still being sick but that argument only works for myself. I know that I feel yuck but it can't just be down to me. Nan and Mark are driving me insane if it's not one whinging it's the other. I am so sick of hearing them talk I just want to smash their heads together or duct tape their mouths shut for a while. Almost everything they are saying and doing is irritating me. I fail to grasp why they both feel the need to vocalise every bitchy complaint about each other to me, why can't they just cut out the middle man (well middle woman actually lol) and bitch at each other instead. I don't want to hear both sides of the argument or more accurately I don't want to hear either side of the argument. I just want to be left out of it completely. I feel a lot more withdrawn and depressed than I have done for a while too. Lukas is laying around a lot like he just can't be bothered to do anything. None of the kids seem to want to play with anything they all just seem really listless and fed up. But fed up and tired is one thing irritated constantly is another.Today Mark has annoyed me by going to his dad's all day yet again. He did finally find Lukas's swimming trunks that he lost but I am still mad nothing he promised to do has been done. He's borrowed some money from Lukas's piggy bank because we are seriously low on funds this week, I could care less as long as he replaces it when he gets paid but that set off Nan. Firstly I don't think it's any of her bloody business and secondly why does she feel like I need to know about it? If she has a problem with something Mark has done why can't she tell him? Then I had a lecture about a letter that came home from Lukas's school. I hate letters from school they are a major cause of arguments around here. I can not grasp why Nan feels like she is entitled to read every letter that comes home addressed to lukas's PARENTS, yes capital letters because it really iritates me. She isn't his parent and she doesn't have the right to have an opinion about school stuff as far as I am concerned. But that's my opinion I choose to bite my tongue usually but sometimes I have to resort to scratching chunks out of my hands when I am clenching my fists to avoid punching her. Lukas's school sent a letter home yesterday about a fund raising thing they are doing. I don't like school fundraisers I prefer to choose what charities I support and how I support them. The charity they are fund raising for happens to be one of the ones I don't agree with so I am choosing not to participate and donate money. I believe I am entitled to express that view. Nan on the other hand tries to bully me into supporting a charity I don't believe in with what I basically call blackmail. Words like "Lukas will be the only one who doesn't", "How will that look to other people" and "people will comment" generally don't achieve any result except making me want to thump you. I refuse to be bullied into doing something just because "everyone else will be doing it". I want Lukas to form his own opinions about charity and donating. I don't think charity should ever be forced. I'm also in the position right now where I can barely avoid to pay my bills and feed Lukas so charity is kind of the last thing on my mind. Don't get me wrong we are not always like this we will be ok for money at the end of the month but for now thanks to the holiday we are struggling. Everytime the school does things like this is causes a row because usually she goes behind my back and makes a donation in my name anyway. They did a fundraiser a while back where the kids had to take in £2.50 and they would get a pair of socks, all the money went to a charity I firmly disagree with so I said no I wouldn't be doing it. Lukas came home with the socks and said Nan gave him the money which drove me insane and caused a huge row. I hate it when people go behind my back, I hate it when she makes me feel like I am a bad mother and I just wish she would butt out and mind her own business once in a while. It's no different when his school reports come home she often gets them out of his bag and reads them before I do. I guess I have just reached the point where I want to be allowed to be the parent I am supposed to be. I am his mum and I just wish that people would start seeing me as that. The only way I can ever see a way out of this is to move out since it's her house, I have to end up following her rules and her butting in and making me feel guilty, I have to tolerate her interfereing but I don't want to anymore. I also don't know how I can move out at the moment the idea of being alone in our own house is great in theory but the idea of losing the few remaining family members I have left breaks my heart. If I move out it will cause a huge row and I will feel guilty about her being on her own here. It was bad enough when she broke her arm and I was upstairs and didn't hear her. Every day I have to live with the knowledge that one day she is going to die, and either she is going to be on her own and it may be days before anyone finds her or the very real possibility that I am going to be the one who goes in to wake her up one morning and finds her. I don't like either situation. I don't want her to be alone but I wish I wasn't the one who had to live here with her. She is so hard for me to deal with especially when I am ill myself, but there's no-one else she's my responsibility because no-one else can be bothered with her. The saddest part for me is in my heart I know that my relationship with her and my marriage can not both survive in this environment. Eventually something is going to have to give and I will end up losing one of them for good. I don't want to choose between them but I can't keep living like this. It's just too hard.