Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Damn I hate November
I really really hate November. I am so tired of feeling unfocused, unmotivated and unfulfilled in my life. I know that Leo's anniversary always makes my life a little strange, I know it hurts and I also know that it will probably always hurt but usually I function semi-normally until at least a the week before, and then I just feel a little down and blue, I tend to keep to myself and avoid the forums and the blogs for a few days and spend more time than usual hugging Lukas and telling him I love him. I crave physical touch in any way I can get it, be it hugs or kisses or just holding hands. I understand that and I accept that I almost expect that to happen. But this month has been different I have spent the whole month feeling depressed, and wanting to cry a lot of the time. I had a meeting today with Lukas's teacher and she didn't tell me anything I didn't know already but I was fighting back tears on the way home. Hearing all the areas he's behind in and needing extra help makes me sad, I feel guilty and responsible. I suppose it's because I know how much of his mummy got lost the same day as Gaiebraille died, how much more was lost with Leo and what he was left with by the time we got to Ambrose. I wanted to be so many things to him I had these dreams of sitting with him and doing his homework, helping him to be the best person he could be and being loving and supportive and I know I failed miserably in my opinion. I know that in other people's opinion I am doing the best I can do and that should be good enough but for me it's not I want to be so much better than I am. Creativity usually helps me to focus to turn the negatives things into more positive ones but I am completely uninspired. I can't drag up the effort to open photoshop let alone scrap. Lukas is cross with me because I haven't made any new layouts. I am mad at my self because I am letting this negativity overwhelm my life and Nan is driving me insane, yap yap yapping about Christmas. I don't want to think about Christmas and it's all she Nan is talking about fairy lights and decorations just make me angry at the moment. I hate the falseness of the holiday, buying gifts for people you don't speak to any other time of the year. Pretending you like people for that one damn day and know full well that the next day they will be right back to bitching about you like they do the other 364 days in the year. I'll get over it but right now it's safer for everyone if I stay in my bedroom and avoid as much conversation as possible. Because otherwise I am bound to say things I will regret and mabe even end up hurting people's feelings when I don't mean to. I hate this damn black cloud I am under right now I wish it would just bugger off and annoy someone else for a little while.