Have you ever been in the position where you feel miserable for being miserable?
I like to use my blog as a place to be completely honest with myself and anyone who chooses to read it. I feel miserable and low but I dont know why. I seem to be a bit of a wreck inside my head at the moment and I haven't got a clue why or how to fix it. I hate having no answers it drives me crazy. I do have a great inner desire to find a little bit of peace/happiness something that lifts me up but I don't know where to look. I have tried the usual methods that work for me. Writing my blog, listening to my music and nothing seems to work. But in all fairness I am searching for a solution when I dont have a starting point for the problem.
My friend Debs finds her solace in scriptures. Religion doesn't do it for me though. I dont have belief in any one god/religion. I hate that I feel like crying but the tears dont come like I want them to. When we lost Gaiebraille I sobbed until I thought my heart had been liquified and was leaking out through my eyes. I remember when Leo died I felt like I was grieving wrong because the tears didn't come enough. I felt like I had been more upset about a baby I had never even got to hold than I had with a baby I had for three months and I adored. But I never felt angry with Gaiebraille the way I did with Leo. I spend a lot of time thinking about Leo. It disgusts me the things I think sometimes, I hate my mother and everything she stands for and is but when it comes to Leo I wish I was like her. I wish I didn't love him and never formed a bond with him because then I wouldn't have had to have my heart ripped to pieces. I wish I was a selfish cow who put my desires first because then I would still have him. But i'm not like her I am me and sometimes thats the worst part of all. Because it doesn't feel deserved. None of it does. I try to be a good person I love with all my heart and soul and yet I constantly seem to be on the end receiving end of crap. Me and Mark had a discussion earlier about funerals and death we seem to have a lot of strange conversations lately. Mark says I worry him when I talk about dying. I have no desires to take my own life but how sudden Yvonne died made me think, about how short life can be and how unfair. The worst part of people dying is even when you consider it can happen you always have regrets when it does. I would give anything for another half an hour with Leo, to tell him I loved him again, I would love to turn back time and tell yvonne I would miss her. I regret that I never got to see her before she died. I couldn't because of the latex allergy I had to stop the medication when I was pregnant between losing the baby and losing Yvonne I never got around to getting to the doctors and sorting out a new prescription and for that I feel guilty. The tears are flowing now so maybe writing this was what I needed just to let out some random thoughts and ramblings. Somehow I doubt it somethings bothering me and I need to find out what, until I do I think I am going to be stuck in this hell on earth called life.
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