The great book hunt

To get the background on this post you will need to take a look at this scrapbook page on my other blog
http://lukasmummys-scrapbook-pages.blogspot.com/2006/07/great-book-hunt-using-paintedmoments.html
I dont think I blogged about this here but long story short Lukas wanted a book I couldn't find it. Asked the girls on www.ukscrappers.co.uk and they found it.
Seems pretty boring wrote like that lol but anyway today - IT CAME!!!!
Lukas will be thrilled to bits when I give it to him I am toying with the idea of wrapping it up for his birthday since thats only 7 days away now OMG thats close, but I might give it him before.
The look on his face will be priceless and you know I am going to have to do a matching scrapbook page about it.
While I am here I may as well have another moan about Marks family and confess to my private revenge.
Marks sister walks in earlier, amazing how both his brother and sister have been moved out ages yet still walk in like they own the house, I seem to live here and still feel weird getting food we have paid for out of the fridge. Anyway she comes up and goes just using the phone (did I mention that its our i.e mine and Marks private phone and we pay the bill?) then asks me for a bib because wait for it she doesn't want Hailie's ones to be "stained" with baby food. I then show her the swing and rocking horse that I am giving her and dont even get a thank you or anything. Really winds me up. I could have sold them in the paper or at a car bootsale but no I thought since she was short of money I would give them to her. Bloody freeloaders the lot of them. Now lets discuss my revenge, today is my most favourite day of the month - Mark's PayDay!
He's lovely when he gets paid he always buys me something special usually a kit I have had my eye on or a gift certificate for a digi site. Something to make me smile anyway. Well today after being wound up for the last few days by his whole family (too much stuff to blog about) I decided I needed something to make myself feel better so I charged some stuff to Marks paypal account. About £20 in digi stash, if Mark moans I will just tell him again that if he stood up to his mother I wouldn't be so fed up and need to buy things to make me happy. lol.
I have a doctors appointment booked for Monday so maybe they will be able to find something to make me feel slightly better. I am considering maybe asking for anti-depressants again since this baby thing doesn't seem to be happening. I just feel really sad and low lately. I admit the fact that some of it may be down to the fact that my period is due soon or AF (aunty flow) as the ladies in waiting call it lol. Its also to do with the continued frustration I feel about being ill, and putting up with all the crap life seems to throw at me. The fever and feeling ill obviously doesn't help either. Its hot enough outside without burning up aswell. Strangely enough I was watching an episode of Buffy the Vampire slayer this morning that summed it up perfectly. This being the season where she was bought back from the dead (if you dont watch the show carry on reading I will start making sense in a minute) shes singing but thats parts irrelevant about touching fire and how it should burn her. She finally confesses they bought her back from heaven not hell and she hates the harsh reality she now feels. It really made me think about Leo. I was truly in heaven for a while when I had him, the constant pain went unnoticed. We were happy. When he (I was about to type went but hesitated and realised it really should say died but that seems harsh) left me he took the pastel colours away, the colours that all blended together to make happy a bit like rose coloured glasses it made the world a lot starker more dark. I feel a bit like I am trapped in a hell on earth that has only suffering and pain. Last night we watched the storm outside. Mark made a joke that God was having a fight with Mother Nature and they were chucking stuff at each other. As we watched the lightning streak across the sky we were both dazzled by its beauty, but I even said to Mark how strange it was that something so beautiful could be so deadly. Im scared that if I ever do get to have another baby I will look at it like I saw the lightning last night I wont see the beauty of the baby only something that might hurt me. Once you lose the ability to see the beauty in things whats the point in life. I can still see the beauty but only just. I want to see the colours within the beauty again and somehow I need to find a way to do that.