Having one of those days again

I was wrong about not being up before 1:30pm I woke up at 1pm lol.
Another night of fits and they are getting worse, I am fed up of waking up aching and sore. Also fed up with having to remake the bed everyday because all the moving about during the fits has pulled the sheet off the bed. Also one to make you laugh now apparently I reached for my drink in the middle of the night and headbutted the wall and knocked myself out cold lol. Mark says the bang woke him up. So have a massive headache today and just to make things even better my period has arrived. Oh joy that should make things fun when Lukas wants to go and do whatever takes his fancy on Thursday. Never used to get period pains before just heavy bleeding then when I lost Gaiebraille they got worse now they hurt and bleed lots as well. I hate being a girl sometimes! Men don't seem to have anything to endure do they? They don't have to have periods and have babies. But I think worst of all they don't seem to feel the aching desire to have a baby. They don't get teary when they see baby clothes and cots. I'm not saying they dont feel or they don't want kids, but the want seems to be just that a want. Not a burning passionate need that fills every fibre of your being. Listen to me I better go before I start crying again - damn hormones lol.

Cars

We haven't been back long, we went to the cinema to see Cars the movie, with Lukas and my cousin Conor. (Although you might have seen me refer to him as my nephew before because Lisa has always been like a big sister)
It was brilliant if you haven't seen it yet its well worth considering.
Its a Disney so obviously the animation is great but there are some really clever lines as well and some great voice over choices.
Anyway i'm not going to tell you the plot or anything else about the film, you will have to go see it lol.
We had a lovely time apart from Lukas throwing up everywhere. His lovely shirt and trousers was covered and I had to rinse his jacket off in the toilet, and dry it under the hand dryer. Before you ask yes I probably will scrap it lol. Never remembered to take any pictures but creative journalling should be enough so Lukas can know about his first trip to the cinema. I had to go and do a very me thing afterwards - apologise to the staff that Lukas had thrown up. I also told them exactly what seats we were in so they can clean it properly. I did scrub everything as best you can in the dark with baby wipes lol. Lukas left his little baby doll in there so Mark had to go back and get it, bless, he loves it I think it was £1 and he takes it everywhere.
I remember my first trip to the cinema - I saw beauty and the beast. I have also seen Toy Story, The Borrowers and Jay and Silent Bob strike back. Watching a film in the cinema is a unique experience. Completely different to the dvd at home. Then we went for a happy meal in Macdonalds. Yep I admit it I had a happy meal lol.
Now I am very tired. I cant think of anything else to say.
Oh wait yes I can, we went and got Lukas's bike today, he's definately his mothers son had it less than an hour and fell off three times lol. He also got a batman soft toy reduced in the toy shop which amazingly he likes more than the bike lol. Also two toy boats for the bath which he loves.
Now I really have run out of things to say.
So I will be back tomorrow. Mark has work in the morning but I doubt I will even be awake before he gets back at 1:30pm lol

What shall we discuss today?

After the deep and meaningful post yesterdays entry turned into, I dont know what to discuss today lol.
I mentioned to my team mates today that I didn't think I was very good at this scrapping thing. Obviously they all told me that I was wrong. But I dont think so, see the layouts may look alright but I feel they lack the passion they seem to be technical now and I dont think they show the real me any more.
When I first started scrapping it was a lot of poetry and verses. I think I stepped away from the kind of work I really wanted to produce after some pretty harsh criticism. Now I produce stuff that other people including Mark compliment me on but I dont think I really like them.
The layout I made earlier (its called black and white and its on my scrapbook pages blog) I like it but I dont love it.
Do you want to see one of the only layouts of mine I love?
You dont need to be able to read the verse, but if you want to you can see it here. Its not very technical it didn't take any talent to do it and I probably coud redo it better but I dont want to.
I aspire to giving Lukas a collection of layouts with a piece of me in them. I want to be able to produce pages I love maybe that will happen once I feel happy again. When I don't know what I feel theres no feeling to install in the layout. There used to be ideas in my head and lately that seems to have gone now I open something and I play until it looks "alright" but I dont want alright I want "amazing". So I have something to aim for, something to make me better and what more can I ask for?

On a completely different topic Marks mum went to the hospital again today. They took 9 samples of breast tissue so they can confirm whether there are cancerous cells present again. She looked so sad and scared this morning, I felt so sorry for her. I know she annoys me and we dont get on very well but I wouldn't want anyone to feel like that. I was actually very grateful to her today, she never went to work and let Lukas go downstairs and play with her while I slept. I had another bad night last night Mark said the fits were really violent. I don't know but I do know I am bruised all over and ache a lot so they must have been quite bad. Bless her she sorted his clothes out and everything. I got up and dressed him but I didn't have to. She also saved me from having Joshua again they started dropping hints, me I can't say no. I tried looking away and pretending I didn't hear them and then just as he started asking Marks mum pipes up and said "she can't they are going out tonight". A teeny lie, we were planning on going swimming but thats not really out, but I am too tired. Joshua is a lot of hard work and I dont really feel up to it at the moment. Going to get Lukas's bike (for his birthday) tomorrow. Oh joy City Centre on the busiest day of the week also the day the new Argos catalogue comes out, which just for double joy is where we are going to buy the bike.
Im tired now time for bed.

The great book hunt

To get the background on this post you will need to take a look at this scrapbook page on my other blog
http://lukasmummys-scrapbook-pages.blogspot.com/2006/07/great-book-hunt-using-paintedmoments.html
I dont think I blogged about this here but long story short Lukas wanted a book I couldn't find it. Asked the girls on www.ukscrappers.co.uk and they found it.
Seems pretty boring wrote like that lol but anyway today - IT CAME!!!!
Lukas will be thrilled to bits when I give it to him I am toying with the idea of wrapping it up for his birthday since thats only 7 days away now OMG thats close, but I might give it him before.
The look on his face will be priceless and you know I am going to have to do a matching scrapbook page about it.
While I am here I may as well have another moan about Marks family and confess to my private revenge.
Marks sister walks in earlier, amazing how both his brother and sister have been moved out ages yet still walk in like they own the house, I seem to live here and still feel weird getting food we have paid for out of the fridge. Anyway she comes up and goes just using the phone (did I mention that its our i.e mine and Marks private phone and we pay the bill?) then asks me for a bib because wait for it she doesn't want Hailie's ones to be "stained" with baby food. I then show her the swing and rocking horse that I am giving her and dont even get a thank you or anything. Really winds me up. I could have sold them in the paper or at a car bootsale but no I thought since she was short of money I would give them to her. Bloody freeloaders the lot of them. Now lets discuss my revenge, today is my most favourite day of the month - Mark's PayDay!
He's lovely when he gets paid he always buys me something special usually a kit I have had my eye on or a gift certificate for a digi site. Something to make me smile anyway. Well today after being wound up for the last few days by his whole family (too much stuff to blog about) I decided I needed something to make myself feel better so I charged some stuff to Marks paypal account. About £20 in digi stash, if Mark moans I will just tell him again that if he stood up to his mother I wouldn't be so fed up and need to buy things to make me happy. lol.
I have a doctors appointment booked for Monday so maybe they will be able to find something to make me feel slightly better. I am considering maybe asking for anti-depressants again since this baby thing doesn't seem to be happening. I just feel really sad and low lately. I admit the fact that some of it may be down to the fact that my period is due soon or AF (aunty flow) as the ladies in waiting call it lol. Its also to do with the continued frustration I feel about being ill, and putting up with all the crap life seems to throw at me. The fever and feeling ill obviously doesn't help either. Its hot enough outside without burning up aswell. Strangely enough I was watching an episode of Buffy the Vampire slayer this morning that summed it up perfectly. This being the season where she was bought back from the dead (if you dont watch the show carry on reading I will start making sense in a minute) shes singing but thats parts irrelevant about touching fire and how it should burn her. She finally confesses they bought her back from heaven not hell and she hates the harsh reality she now feels. It really made me think about Leo. I was truly in heaven for a while when I had him, the constant pain went unnoticed. We were happy. When he (I was about to type went but hesitated and realised it really should say died but that seems harsh) left me he took the pastel colours away, the colours that all blended together to make happy a bit like rose coloured glasses it made the world a lot starker more dark. I feel a bit like I am trapped in a hell on earth that has only suffering and pain. Last night we watched the storm outside. Mark made a joke that God was having a fight with Mother Nature and they were chucking stuff at each other. As we watched the lightning streak across the sky we were both dazzled by its beauty, but I even said to Mark how strange it was that something so beautiful could be so deadly. Im scared that if I ever do get to have another baby I will look at it like I saw the lightning last night I wont see the beauty of the baby only something that might hurt me. Once you lose the ability to see the beauty in things whats the point in life. I can still see the beauty but only just. I want to see the colours within the beauty again and somehow I need to find a way to do that.

Bloody Computers!!

Had a friend come around yesterday to repair the computer and the great news (im being sarcastic here) is that the bits we need for it could cost £300+, so we would be better getting a new one.
Just applied for credit for one and had a massive fight with Mark because of an error occuring on the webpage. Computers are supposed to make life easier, so why is it that all they seem to do lately is cause fights and arguments?
I think I want to just go and sit and cry for a while, might be back later so depressed at the moment need someone to listen even if it is just a blog.

No Broadband

After the storms we had here yesterday we had no internet connection I was so bored!! lol
I got to thinking what did I do before the internet??
I used to read books of any kind. One after the other until I ran out and then I would just switch genres and try a new author. Music is a passion of mine but it has to have words that you can hear and sing along to, I cant stand music thats more "noise". There never used to be much spare time between school and work. Mark has quite a few hobbies playstation, miniature painting, paint by numbers, DIY (in Marks case that stands for Damage it yourself ) lol. I wonder if Lukas will have lots of hobbies. I spy lots of ideas for pages in my book of me, Just have to finish the wedding album for the BIL, Organise something for Lukas's birthday and find some more hours in the day lol.

I promised you a zoo update.

Im sorry you had to wait for it.
Well the day we went it was really really hot. It was a bit frustrating because we only had time to see about half the animals. Lukas was upset that he didn't get to play in the play area or ride the train again but we had a great day. Lukas took 3 rolls of film with his noddy camera and I had over 500 on my digital so plenty of scrapping material lol.
What else do I have to talk about?
I suppose I could discuss the family issues we are facing right now.
Marks mum previously had breast cancer and just after Christmas she found another lump. She told me and I said she had to go to the doctors, she didn't until recently and now they think she has the cancer back again. Marks sister came up crying and being hysterical to be honest both me and Mark are angry at her. Why couldn't she just do the sensible thing and get it checked out when she found it. Last time it gave us all a huge reality shock and as selfish as this sounds we really dont need another one. It even seems wrong to me saying that but its true things are just getting better Mark is starting to wean himself off the anti depressants and he goes back to work soon. I just dont know how he will cope with this and right now I dont feel strong enough to be the kind of support he needs. My family are just as dysfunctional. My mother is a money hungry evil bitch who is only happy when other people are miserable. The latest installment is she upset Nan, and the reason is so absurd my brother (the one who has moved out because she was such a bitch to him) won't lend her money. Nans too old and too ill to deal with my mothers crap. Its not fair that anyone at all has to, she makes everyones life a misery. Did I mention that she caused a fight at Leo's funeral? Yep you did read that right her own grandsons funeral. She hates me, hates Mark and doesn't even acknowledge Lukas, except at Christmas when she tries her hardest to make our gifts look how shall I put this pathetic. She's a shopperholic when it comes to Christmas she spends thousands. I am currently working on a book of me and I refuse to lie and say I had a wonderful mother, I have a wonderful Mum shes called Nan lol.
Marks mother likes to treat me a bit like one of her own as well. I don't know what else to say if I start ranting about my mother this could go on for hours so I am not going to bother, lol.
Maybe I will have more to discuss tomorrow

One of those days

It all started last night I was excited about a crop at Divine Digital and I fell asleep! But in all fairness I should have expected that since I hadn't had any sleep for 2 days. Not really a big deal Mark just left me to sleep, took Lukas to school etc. When I got up we had to go to the shops for some last minute bits for the trip to the zoo tomorrow. Lukas wanted a happy meal so off we go to get one dumb idiot messed our order up and forgot the ice cream *tuts*. It gets better though because we never noticed until we were on the bus to go home.
Get home and go to turn computer on and its not working. For the next bit to make sense I have to go back a little to explain to when Mark wrecked my scrap drive with all my digi stash, layouts etc on. We had bought the new (well new to us) machine because we wanted something better for scrapping on. The whole idea was to use the old "beast" as we called it for storage and for Lukas to play his games on. Without discussing it with me or anything sensible like that Mark gave the old machine to his dad. Mark made three main mistakes: 1. He shouldn't have given the computer to his dad because it was actually mine (settlement from an old row with Mark for money), 2. He should have been sensible enough to remove the hardrive before moving the machine and 3. He should have backed things up like I had told him to. But anyway enough about that. We had numerous rows and have now reached an understanding on that until tonight when that came back to kick him in the head again. Apparently when we did the necessary upgrade the other day a fluke thing happened and it destroyed the power switch. We never noticed until now because I have been using the laptop since then. So the scrapping computer as it has been named needs a new case - which we would have if he hadn't given his dad the machine isn't irony fun lol.
So I told him that he had to go and get that case back - bear in mind we received no payment for the computer or any of the parts Mark replaced because they got fried with the power supply and hardrive. So his dad starts moaning. Mark comes back in and I start moaning. Poor Mark lol.
Long story short I am not budging on the fact that I want my case back and we are not and I repeat NOT buying a new case for it. If his freeloading father wants a computer he can buy a new bloody case for it mine that he has!
Normally I am not a petty person like this I would just pay for the whatever and forget about it but Marks parents are the bootsale king and queen. Every gift we have ever bought them has ended up in the bootsale box. His dad brings things home from work and then they sell them at the bootsale - stock that should be destroyed etc (he works in a DIY shop), and I was annoyed by other events this week caused by this fascination to sell anything not nailed down.
I went to cut Lukas's hair and had to clean the clippers because she (Marks mother had used them) and not to cut Marks dads hair to cut their friends hair couldn't use her own because she had sold them! They are going away on holiday and want to borrow my other digital camera, the old 3 Mega Pixel one because they sold theirs at a bootsale. A while back Marks Dad broke the breadbin, he bought another one home from work which they used until they were short and then sold it at the bootsale, Last Sunday she bought a breadbin from a bootsale because of the original old one cutting her hand because she had been using it broken! They are so infuriating. I haven't got onto the cereal bowls yet have I. For a gift this year (cant remember what for) we bought them a new dinner set - Plates, Bowls, Cups, Saucers etc, Marks sister moved into her own place and his mother gave her a load of stuff no problem with that but she did give her most of the dinner set we bought I bit my lip and said nothing. The other day Marks stupid mother knocked the bowls out of the cupboard and smashed nearly all of them so we now have no cereal bowls. She had previously broken Lukas's Noddy Bowl (Easter present), Car bowl (Part of his big boy set to encourage him to eat) and a few others. I had to go home the other day and get spare bowls from home. I am moaning a lot today aren't I but I just cant help it. His whole family are a bunch of unappreciative manipulative freeloading gits. Marks sister was up here moaning the other day about Hailies dad that little girl is 8 months old and he has never paid a penny for her or bought her a damn thing. I have bought her clothes and other stuff and hardly even got a thank you. Marks mum thinks the sun shines out of Julies (Marks sister) bum despite the fact that although moaning constantly she has no money for baby milk/clothes/nappies still smokes, and Hailie is wonderful and I am jealous. I admit it completely jealous Lukas was two years old before they paid him any attention at all. I hate the fact that she does nothing but slag David and Liz (Marks brother and his wife) off for the way they neglect Josh and then says "I'm in the wrong if I say anything to them". She's in the wrong for saying nothing shes that little boys grandmother. I'm not even his real auntie and I dont hesitate to pick fault to their faces about the way they treat him. Shes completely spineless. When Lukas has kids of his own if I dont think he's doing something right I won't hesitate to tell him either. No child deserves to be neglected and anyone who doesn't step in and say something to someone is being just as neglectful in my opinion. Im touchy at the moment because I have been thinking a lot about Leo and the fact that we should be getting ready to have a new baby in the house soon. Its just really getting to me at the moment and the pain and the heat. I feel really depressed. I also have a scrapping block so all these emotions have nowhere to go.
Speaking of go I had better since this entry is turning into a book. Off to the zoo/wildlife park tomorrow so expect another long one lol

Fun Fun Fun

Well we have had lots of fun here in the last few days. Last night Lukas threw up again but luckily it all went into the bowl so not much clean up required. Josh has been up to play again and was filthy as normal. Lukas is excited about the trip to the wildlife park on tuesday. Yesterday we went on a bit of a spending spree, Lukas has a camera of his own now, he has a sand/water table and a bed for his baby they are early birthday presents. My mum always used to promise me presents on xxx day because she never had money on my birthday I always swore with Lukas it would be the opposite he would have his presents on his birthday or before. Last night Mark actually wanted intimacy and guess what hows this for ironic I had a headache lol. I decided not to tell him and ignore it. I ended up having a massive one of my stupid fit things. Now we aren't back to square one we are in negative spaces he doesn't even want to cuddle me. I scared him because the last time I had one that violent was a long time ago. He says hes always scared that when I stop breathing he wont be able to make me start again. I hate being like this. I hate scaring Mark but until the doctors find a reason they cant do anything to help. Im so greatful Mark knows all the problems I have and still wants me. I would be truly lost without him. I love him with all my heart and soul

Confessions of a crazy woman

*Warning this entry could get a little crude (slight chance), if you are easily offended don't read it and if you do read it and it offends you - tough you were warned lol*
The computers are driving me insane. Right now nothing is working like it should be. I dont just mean the machines. Neither me nor Mark seems to have the inclination to whats the best way to put this, lets use the example on the trying to conceive thread - do the deed lol.
When we first got together we were putting it midly at it like rabbits, we did it anywhere and everywhere. Things have changed a lot since then, when we were working together there was the rape thing followed by the uncertainty of whether Lukas was Marks. Next came the miscarriage, losing Leo, the other miscarriage and all the other stuff that turned our lives upside down in between. We have been together just over 5 years seems such a long time. So lately I have been thinking a lot about how far we have come and maybe where we go from here.
Mark keeps bringing up marriage and honestly I am not thrilled about the idea. I love Mark and I want to spend my life with him but I dont see how marriage makes that happen. I think the only reason Mark wants to is because his brother did. Everything is a competition between them but Marks brother is the lowest grade of human he tried to sleep with me when I first got with Mark and you all know how he treats his son. I need to have a think. Maybe I will be back later to chat some more.

Lukasisms

Got an idea for a great page earlier of Lukasisms the things that only he would say, but once I sparked the idea and started thinking of things to add I realised I could probably do a whole book full lol.
So I thought I would share some of my favourites/most recent ones with you:
Me Singing - The Wheels on the bus "The Wheels on the bus" Lukas "Have got tyres"
Me "Where does milk come from?" Lukas "Tesco"
Lukas to the next door neighbour (who has a beautiful garden) "Can I please pick your flowers for my mummy"
Lukas on phone to Nan "Hello Nana, love you, have you got me a present?"
Lukas in response to someone trying to snatch an evil balloon from him at a party "No, you cant have it yet, im playing with it and im not ready to share"
There are loads more, but I won't bore you by listing them all. Lukas has just got back from school and Joshua is asleep so I think I will go and spend a bit of time with my little man xx

Few updates

Josh is here until Tuesday afternoon/evening isn't it funny how one night has turned into 3.
Been shopping today got Josh some shoes and Lukas some more socks, since his dopey daddy seems to keep putting him in odd socks. Silly Man. As per usual Lukas insisted on choosing his own socks and unsuprisingly he went for the ugliest ones in the shop. Trainer socks with red toes and feet and garish stars and stripes all over them. Pirate socks with various skulls etc on, and when I tried to put my foot down and insist on at least one set of plain socks, he chose a horrid khaki and other shades that look like poop set - yuck lol. But then what can you expect when he has me as a mother I have various dayglo socks from pink to lime green, bright orange and flourescent yellow lol. But it does make me laugh because he always picks boring pants and horrible socks his sense of style is brilliant with tops/trousers and its so funny watching the tantrums before school wehn Mark picks his clothes usually goes something like this,
"Lukas get dressed" "No" "Lukas please get dressed" "No" "Lukas get dressed now" "No" "Why not" "Its yuck" "Just put it on" "Nope, not wearing that" Usually at this point I have to step in usually with a simple solution like a t-shirt that actually goes with his trousers lol, followed by "get dressed loop, come on" matter of seconds and hes dressed ready for school. LOL
His latest trick is to follow my example and give Mark that look when he getting dressed and then "daddy are you wearing THAT?" I just sit out of the way trying not to giggle. Lukas makes me smile. Right now anything that makes me smile let alone laugh is better than a lottery win

Another post just because I can lol

I know the last post was massive but I was full of ramblings and thoughts and never really gave any updates about whats been going on around here.
Lets go back a week, last weekend Josh (Marks Nephew if you dont read this often) came up on the Friday I offered to have him while his mum and dad went shopping and long story short without actually agreeing I got left with him overnight. So Friday night Josh and Lukas had a play and generally trashed the house (nothing new there lol) and went to sleep. Lukas never got to go swimming like we had promised because the seat thing we paid for last time Josh stayed had gone home with him thanks to Marks stupid mother *sigh*. Saturday we had a big family day out to the park planned. We decided we would still go and we would just take Josh as well. Went to get him dressed in the clothes we bought last time he stayed and surprise surprise most of them were gone yep you guessed it home with Josh again thank to Marks mother. So eventually we find something to put him in and get them both ready to go, make a packed lunch etc. Time for hats and suncream do you think Lukas's hat that Josh borrowed was actually in our house like it should have been nope. The only other hat that Lukas has that I am willing to lend to Josh and that would actually fit him is wait for it - still at nursery apparently Mark forgot to bring it, and Lukas's bag and jacket home on Thursday oh joy. Tempers by this point are getting very frayed its boiling hot and I am throughly fed up to put it mildly. We drag into the city centre to buy Josh a hat to wear and finally head towards the park. This is about 2pm by now! Gets to the park to give Lukas the promised train ride to find train doesn't start running for the summer until tomorrow. You can imagine Lukas's reaction lol. We do the feeding the ducks playing in the park thing. Fill the cameras (camera/memorycard and mobile phone lol) and then decide to head home. I tell Mark he has to ask his brother for £5 towards cost of day. Now truthfully normally I just buy Josh's clothes and nappies etc when they dump him on me and say nothing but I was very fed up. So Mark reluctantly asks him for the cash. This is saturday remember and David (Marks brother) gets paid on Friday, when Mark asks him apparently he has no money left because wait for it they went drinking last night. I was fuming. We get home and they are sat in the living room, We watch the England vs Portugal match (we dvd recorded it) just dont get me started on that! Get Josh and Lukas all bathed and then they take him home no thanks for having him etc. That night we had a BBQ and slept in the tent in the garden which made Lukas happy. I cant think of anything interesting that happened this week, oh wait yes I can. Me and Lukas went to a birthday party and I had a severe reaction to the balloons lol. Skip forward to Friday and David comes up with Joshua after various threats from me upstairs Mark asks David for the £5 and relunctantly David gives it to him. Saturday morning after another night of rubbish sleep and being in pain, been like this for a while and before you say it yes I know I need to make a doctors appointment lol. I get rudely awoken by the phone ringing. Its David apparently his stupid wife (Elizabeth if anyones interested) has done something to her eye and they need us to have Josh, so being the suckers that we are we agree because apparently its an "emergency". Mark goes to the bus stop to go and get him and gets a call to say "oh we dont have to go to the hospital until the morning now", Mark walks all the way home to be greeted by a whinging Lukas demanding to knwo where Josh is. *sigh* so Mark rings back and says "blah blah blah we will have him overnight blah blah blah Lukas wants him here". Mark starts to set off again and off goes Lukas "I want to come" Mark takes him and eventually they get back with Josh. I ask a really simple question "When are they coming to get him?" and get a shrug of shoulders apparently no-one thought to mention how long Josh would actually be staying for. Great. I forgot to mention that his stupid parents had sent him with no shoes didn't I, apparently they couldn't find a pair - he has 3 that I bought him as well as the other hideous ones they have bought. So I have two options I can be stuck in the house with Lukas and Josh - not a very appealing prospect or I can buy him yet another pair of shoes, I feel like a doormat. I also feel guilty as hell because Lukas is missing yet another promised swimming trip because of Josh. Lukas has also missed nursery for the last two fridays because of Josh. Maybe the part I find infuriating is that people always do this to me. I took Lukas to the hospital so many times with me. Bless him he has been in the back of an ambulance quite a few times. Its one of the funniest memories I have of when Leo was born was Lukas moaning because he never got to ride in the ambulance again lol. If we can manage to do it why can't other people? Josh makes me feel guilty, because all I seem to do while he is here is tell him off because his awful parents dont tell him off for anything at all and it makes him a little monster. He knows I wont let him do it. Despite this the first thing that little boy does when he comes here is come running towards me with his arms out for a cuddle. It does hurt me that he walks around all sad and getting all excited when he hears noise in the garden because he thinks it his daddy. They couldn't give a shit about him they would dump him on anyone who would take him, but David is Josh's favourite person in the whole world. It sucks. Marks off work for a little while longer because him thumb still hasn't healed completely. I think when he does go back its going to be a huge shock to his system hes been off for ages now, first for the depression and then for his thumb I cant even remember the last time he went to work. Im going to miss him when he goes back but it will be nice to have some time on my own. I think this is another huge post so i'm going to shut up now lol.

Still cant shake these sad feelings

Have you ever been in the position where you feel miserable for being miserable?
I like to use my blog as a place to be completely honest with myself and anyone who chooses to read it. I feel miserable and low but I dont know why. I seem to be a bit of a wreck inside my head at the moment and I haven't got a clue why or how to fix it. I hate having no answers it drives me crazy. I do have a great inner desire to find a little bit of peace/happiness something that lifts me up but I don't know where to look. I have tried the usual methods that work for me. Writing my blog, listening to my music and nothing seems to work. But in all fairness I am searching for a solution when I dont have a starting point for the problem.
My friend Debs finds her solace in scriptures. Religion doesn't do it for me though. I dont have belief in any one god/religion. I hate that I feel like crying but the tears dont come like I want them to. When we lost Gaiebraille I sobbed until I thought my heart had been liquified and was leaking out through my eyes. I remember when Leo died I felt like I was grieving wrong because the tears didn't come enough. I felt like I had been more upset about a baby I had never even got to hold than I had with a baby I had for three months and I adored. But I never felt angry with Gaiebraille the way I did with Leo. I spend a lot of time thinking about Leo. It disgusts me the things I think sometimes, I hate my mother and everything she stands for and is but when it comes to Leo I wish I was like her. I wish I didn't love him and never formed a bond with him because then I wouldn't have had to have my heart ripped to pieces. I wish I was a selfish cow who put my desires first because then I would still have him. But i'm not like her I am me and sometimes thats the worst part of all. Because it doesn't feel deserved. None of it does. I try to be a good person I love with all my heart and soul and yet I constantly seem to be on the end receiving end of crap. Me and Mark had a discussion earlier about funerals and death we seem to have a lot of strange conversations lately. Mark says I worry him when I talk about dying. I have no desires to take my own life but how sudden Yvonne died made me think, about how short life can be and how unfair. The worst part of people dying is even when you consider it can happen you always have regrets when it does. I would give anything for another half an hour with Leo, to tell him I loved him again, I would love to turn back time and tell yvonne I would miss her. I regret that I never got to see her before she died. I couldn't because of the latex allergy I had to stop the medication when I was pregnant between losing the baby and losing Yvonne I never got around to getting to the doctors and sorting out a new prescription and for that I feel guilty. The tears are flowing now so maybe writing this was what I needed just to let out some random thoughts and ramblings. Somehow I doubt it somethings bothering me and I need to find out what, until I do I think I am going to be stuck in this hell on earth called life.

Oh dear this has been left to slide too

Lately my life seems to be taking a trip down a slippery slope back to a place I dont want to go.
The worst part is I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop it.
Im being very vague aren't I, lets see if I can explain a bit better. I have a stack of new pictures I had to take, beautiful flowers and a whole camera full of our trip to the park last weekend with Lukas and Marks nephew. But have I even attempted to scrap them nope.
PSE4 has been open all day want to know what I have managed to do? 1 layout (thats not great) and altered a picture for someone.
I feel tired, like I can't be bothered to care about anything anymore.
I dont have the aching desire for a baby anymore because I dont have the energy to want anything.Since Marks had his anti depressants he doesn't seem interested in me. Theres no digital kits I feel I have to have and it all makes me feel sad. What a difference a few months make. At the beginning of the year I was all excited I was working for dedicated2digital and loving creating layouts. I had my group of friends in the team at ukscrappers and everything seemed better. When I felt positive and hopeful the pain and misery seemed to be a distant memory, it still bothered me but it was easier to ignore. Things made me feel passionate like the way they neglected Joshua now I just think why do I bother, no-one else steps in and anything I do for him will just be undone when he goes home.
Yesterday was the first time in a while I felt a really strong emotion and that was just utter defeat. We had an arguement and instead of being my usual self fighting every inch of the way until Mark admitted he was wrong I sobbed. He didn't have a clue what to do with me because in his words "it was a different person".
He felt like he was comforting a stranger. Maybe its the heat we have had lately thats been so draining. I really don't know. I want to go back in time and be happy for a while.