Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Time for change

There are a lot of things that at one time or another I didn't think I would say or do. When I was at school I always swore that I would never get married and I would never have kids. Yet when I found out I was pregnant with Lukas I knew that he was going to change my life forever and I was right, I could never imagine my life without him in it anymore. I often have to force myself to remember that there once was a time in my life without him in it. Then when I got pregnant with Gaiebraille, life changed again. I was excited about having 2 kids full of plans for how I would do things differently the 2nd time around. Unfortunately that wasn't meant to be and the miscarriage and the grieving changed my life again. Then came the greatest change in my life, Leo. I'm sure everyone already knows how much of an impact Leo had on my life and how he changed it forever. How he broke something that will never ever be fully repaired. I started scrapbooking because of Leo, I was searching for something to take some of the pain away, a distraction and so much more than I could ever begin to go into. I have had a lot of fun over the last few years making pages and experimenting with different styles and techniques. As part of that I have been lucky enough to be part of some amazing creative teams. Now you may be wondering exactly where I am going with this. Ever since I got pregnant again I have been struggling with scrapbooking as a whole. I feel tired all the time, I don't want to spend time sitting at the computer for lots of reasons but the main one is the pain and to be completely honest I haven't really felt inspired to scrap or enjoyed the process when I do. Because of that I have been struggling to keep up with my CT requirements. I am blessed to work for 2 amazing designers in Royanna and Chrissy and both of them have been awesome about it all. I couldn't have possibly wished for anyone to be more understanding about the situation. Since April marks the beginning of a new 3 month term, I felt as though it was time to make a decision about whether to continue or not. I decided that the best option for everyone was if I stepped down. I feel as though it's unfair for me to occupy a CT position when I am not completely dedicated to what I am doing. I'm don't regret my choice, I fully understand that this same choice would have been made for me in a few months time by the baby arriving. I'm sure there will be moments when I will feel sad about the decision that I have made, but I know it's the right choice for me right now. It's going to be a big adjustment for me, being part of a CT has always been the one thing that has allowed me to feel like I have some use or value to other people. It's also going to be very strange to be scrapping pages because I want to scrap them, rather than doing them with a newly released kit or template pack. I will admit I am going to miss the motivation to create things, I guess I will start doing random challenges here and there when they inspire me. That's one of the reasons change is so scary for me, I hate not knowing what to expect. It's a mixed bag because there are bound to be times when I am glad that I have no obligations or commitments anymore and other times when I feel unmotivated and wish I had some way to jumpstart my creativity. The other problem I suppose is without CT layouts to share with you I won't really have anything to blog about, unless I make an effort to do more things and I somehow can't see that happening with how low my energy levels are at the moment. Oh well at least it won't be much longer until I get to bore you senseless by blogging about the baby lol. Actually with all this talking about change I am realising that the blog could really do with some.

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