Thursday, April 16, 2009

Has it really been almost 2 weeks

since Lukas has been to school? It really doesn’t feel like he has been home that long. Maybe it’s because I like having him at home with me, maybe it’s because we have spent the time chilling out and not really doing much and all the days kind of mush together or perhaps it’s just because today it’s finally dawning on me how much things are going to change once we have the baby in the house. When I was laying in my bed this morning feeling crappy, Lukas was content to just lay beside me and have cuddles while watching cartoons. I love how easy he is to please and how even as big as he is he just loves to be held and loved. As I was laying there my mind started to wonder and I started thinking maybe once the baby comes these times with him will be a thing of the past. Maybe having the baby around will be just like it was when we used to have Josh to stay, lots of early morning and wanting just 5 minutes of peace and quiet. He was never content to watch cartoons or be cuddled. As much as I hate to say it once our babies came home from hospital we have always had it pretty easy. They were more than content as long as they were being cuddled, fed and loved. Lukas has always been the kind of kid who prefers to be left to his own devices. Josh used to need constant supervision and I used to spend a lot of time trying to keep him amused so he wouldn’t hurt Lukas or break things. When I had Lukas and Leo things were a lot more relaxed. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified that this baby will be nothing like Lukas and Leo were. I’m so tired lately I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea that this baby could need constant attention, it could cry constantly or be a sicky baby. It’s been so long that I feel like I have forgotten what having a baby is like and I am doubting my own abilities to be a mother. I don’t know if these feelings are down to hormones, or being ill or even just terror of the unknown but I feel very edgy and emotional. It’s not like it’s even something I can talk about with Mark (because he doesn’t listen) or anyone else (because I am ashamed). When Leo died I was desperate to have a baby, I just wanted the ache in my heart to go away a little bit, but now that we are actually going to have that baby I so desperately wanted I have almost done a complete 180. Instead of wanting a baby to fill the huge void Leo left I am worried that the baby will make me forget him, that it will replace him. That’s one of the reasons I am hoping so much for a girl, because a girl would be a completely different thing with no remote possibility of being a Leo replacement. There are a lot of things going through my head at the moment and I am struggling to work through them. Things we so much simpler the other times I was pregnant, in my mind all I had to do was get through the pregnancy and then the SCBU stay and everything would work out fine. I could only do my best and I had faith that I would never make any serious mistakes that would hut them. Then Leo died and I have spent a lot of time with the what if’s and the wondering if there was anything I could have done differently to still have him here with me. I keep trying to tell myself that I haven’t done that bad of a job with Lukas, he is happy and content but I know there are a lot of things I could have done better, I know that me being ill has changed things and made everything harder. Yesterday I had to cancel my midwife appointment because I felt too ill to go out. After all the hassle Mark went through to get the day off to go with me, I made the effort to get me and Lukas ready to walk out the door and then I just couldn’t do it. I came over all flushed and dizzy and in lots of pain and I telephoned Mark to let him know and by the time he got home I was fast asleep. I am kind of moving about like a little old lady today because it’s raining and all of my joints are stiff and sore and I guess I just feel like a big fat failure. I am a 24 year old pregnant mum things shouldn’t be this hard. I have online friends with more kids, jobs, and who are further pregnant with bigger babies and they seem to still be able to manage to stay on top of things and keep their houses clean and do things with their other kids. Some of them even manage to do all of this all on their own with no partner. *sigh* the thing is I know things could be so much worse and I know that all I can ever hope to do is my best but right now it feels like my best is nothing more than a huge disappointment to everyone including me.

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