Sometimes I really should listen

to my own instincts like when they tell me that the best course of action for today would have been to crawl into bed last night, I should have listened. Or when they told me that going downstairs was a bad idea, I should have listened. When they screamed at me that making conversation with Nan was the worst idea I had ever had, I should have listened but because I am an idiot I didn't. I stayed up and scrapped a layout, I went downstairs and attempted to make polite conversation with Nan and I said Lukas could have the day off school because he was rubbing his ear and saying it hurt. So you might wonder what exactly I am moaning about well it's just gone 9am already this morning I have had my head bitten off a grand total of 3 times, once for happening to say I had been up all night long again (but it really is impossible to sleep if you are up and down to the toilet all night long) which prompted Nan to spout off about how ill she was, once for saying Lukas was staying home, that one earned me a lecture that I was a bad mother for not taking him to the doctors about his ear (it hurts every so often and I have taken him each time they tell me it's a wax build up put oil in it and clean it at least every other day) it's probably annoying him today because he got water in it in the bath last night. The third time was when I happened to ask her if she was going somewhere today since she hasn't gone to work, and I got my head bitten off about how she's too ill to go today (apparently she's not too ill to be a complete bitch though!). I'm fed up of not being able to say a word to her without her biting me head off or getting a huge lecture about how ill she is, i'm sorry but I am utterly sick of the constant one-upmanship if I happen to say my head hurts she replies well mine feels like I have a brain tumour. I'll tell you a secret she's always said that she doesn't know where Lisa and my mum got being so self centered from I do they learnt it from her! I used to think that she was such an amazing person, you know what they say about rose coloured glasses well I want mine back, I don't like this side of her and I would rather be naive and believe she was some saint than see her for the person she really is. I am trying my hardest with her but sometimes even I reach my own breaking point. I can't take being belittled and snapped at all the time. She seems to think she is the only person in the world who feels ill, but I could live with that if it wasn't for the little digs she tacks onto the end of every sentance, like when she said she was too ill to go to work today and then added, "but we can't all lay in bed all day and do nothing" that bloody hurt. I didn't ask to be in so much pain that no-one could even touch me yesterday, I didn't ask to spend the whole day zoned out on painkillers I don't take them unless I have to and I think I took 4 different lots of painkillers yesterday. I'll make another confession Lukas was only being bothered slightly by his ear today, I could have rubbed it and maybe given him a paracetamol and he could have gone to school but I wanted to spend some time with someone who loves me. I needed to have someone wrap their arms around me and tell me I was special even if that person did happen to be a 5 year old little boy. I'll admit there was a little bit of selfishness involved, but he really is the only person in the world who doesn't make me feel like a complete failure at the moment. I missed him yesterday I didn't see him at all by the time I finally felt a bit more human he was asleep, and I was still hurting too much to even kiss him goodnight. I had to kiss my hand and rub that across his sleeping angel face. Mark hasn't done anything wrong he was actually quite worried about me yesterday but I often get the feeling he doesn't really understand and sometimes thinks that I am sleeping or in bed all day because I am being lazy. Right now if someone gave me just one wish it would be for just one person who would just take me in their arms and hold me, who would listen to me when I talked and just hug me to make it better. For now I will have to make do with Lukas, he does most of that but it's really not the same thing.