Having a bad day

but I will give you some advance warning there will be no layout shares, CT promotion, shopping shares, freebies, recommendations or anything remotely amusing in this post if that's what your looking for you have two choices, either scroll down or go look somewhere else. This post is going to be entirely filled with me venting and feeling sorry for myself. As I have already said I am having a bad day, I am feeling really down and I need somewhere to get some of it off my chest. Now I could apologise for the whingefest that is going to follow but why should I, someone asked me recently why I felt the need to discuss all my private business on the internet for everyone to see, and I thought about that comment a lot the other night. I don't write my blog for readers, I really don't I know sometimes it reads like I am addressing it entirely to some unknown person on the other side of another monitor but there's a reason for that. I like to vocalise the conversations I have with myself in my head. I can argue both side of any argument to myself from now until the day that my world stops spinning or I can argue with myself via a keyboard and a screen. Seeing the thoughts in text makes them easier to process, it's like having someone other than myself to argue with, even though technically I am still arguing with myself it feels different. Most people they work through their issues when they sleep, me I sleep when I am too exhausted to stay awake anymore and if I dream they are usually bad ones. I often feel like the only person I have to talk to is myself. I don't feel as if I fit in anywhere and I never have done. Never made friends at school, or college. Never seemed to click with any of the mothers at the toddler groups or at the school gates. I certainly don't fit in with my family or Mark's. Mark's family talk about me behind my back, i've heard them when we used to live there and they forgot how loud they were talking, they say I think I am better than them. Couldn't be further from the truth actually, I never feel like I am good enough for anything or anyone. It's not just being ill all the time that makes me feel alienated from everyone I really don't know what it is I just know that I feel like no matter what I do, it's not good enough to be accepted. I've spent a lot of time lately crying there are a lot of things going on behind the scenes here, it's a hard place to live in right now. I am tired of the constant conflict that seems to exist. My heart is hurting because they only two people who have ever accepted me are at war with each other. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place lately on one hand I have the only member of family I have who really cares about me in Nan, she's sick and I have spent a lot of time lately worrying about the fact that because of everything that's happened I have reached a point where there are days when I really don't care. I used to love her with every inch of my heart, I would stand outside her door all night if she had a cold now I am so blinded by how much she is hurting me my heart can't find the love that I know is still there for her. I can't take how she makes me feel anymore, it's so hard to be belittled and have your every decision questioned. I hate how she talks about Mark and how she makes snide little comments all the time. I never remember her being like this before. Maybe she was and I was just seeing her as the ever loving Nan, patient, kind and caring. The one who was there for everyone and who you could turn to for anything. Maybe it's being sick that has made her into this bitter resentful person. I can't stand feeling like she hates me, but I feel obliged to stay here incase she needs me. She says she doesn't want me to go but I am miserable here and I feel so utterly isolated and alone right now. Mark is causing a lot of problems, but all he's really guilty of is being himself. It's so hard knowing where to start because there are just so many things that are contributing to the way I feel. I'll let you in on a little secret lately I have thought so many times that everyone would just be better off if I wasn't around. I truly wish I had never been born because I feel like all I have done is made everyone whose life I have touched miserable. Nan's fed up of Mark and feels I am responsible for making him be different but I have tried so hard to make him into what she wants him to be and all I have done is made him believe that all I do is nag. I tell him things over and over again in a desperate attempt to make him realise how much he is hurting me with the things he is doing. I hate not being able to say hello to Nan without earning myself a lecture. I have begged, pleaded and tried so many other things to get Mark to do simple things like take the washing downstairs but his argument is always the same, why should he be the one to do everything. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make the problems go away but there really is no solution he feels like he is asked to do too much (take the washing down, take Lukas to school, pick Lukas up from school, sort the rubbish out and tidy up his mess), she feels like he should be doing more if I try and do it she goes mad because she says it's his job it doesn't matter to her that what she wanted has been done, it only matters that he hasn't done it. Right now we are in the situation where she has refused to do anything for him, he is taking his washing up to his dad's and since he goes up waits for it to wash, puts it in to dry and then makes another trip back to collect it he is doing even less around the house because he is never here. He goes back to work on Monday and to be honest I don't know when I am ever going to see him because this week he has dropped Lukas off at school gone to his dad's, stayed there playing games and watching dvds until it was time to collect Lukas and then gone back under the excuse of having to collect the stuff and getting back really late at night. I can't continue to live like this but with how ill she is me moving out isn't going to be a very favourable option either. I am getting more ill within myself all the time, the worrying over everything is making me feel so run down and exhausted all the time. The worse part is that I am having more and more difficulty being the one in control of being sick, the seizures have started up again, the migraines are almost constant at the moment. I am feeling sick all the time, every muscle in my body hurts but I could cope with that if it wasn't for the massive temperature swings, freezing and shivering one minute sweating and burning up the next. I am thirsty all the time, and that means I am drinking loads about 8 litres a day at the moment. I am up and down to the toilet all the time, I am not getting any work done and I am close to tears all the time. I can't cope, and I don't know where to turn to for help. Maybe if I could just get some decent sleep I might find a way to see a way through all these problems but that's not going to happen this week. Nothing is more effective at taking a good nights sleep and keeping it just out of reach quite as well as having my period. It's always such a pleasure to add more pain to my stomach for a week or two each month. It's a blast to combine all my usual crappy existance with the added extra of having a sanitary towel bunching into a solid lump and knickers giving me a wedgie. Actually the most fun part of periods is the search for towels that don't contain latex amazing how many of them do, or more accurately how many of them do now. Because it's not something they advertise on the packet that they have changed their product, no you don't find out that piece of useful information until you open them and go to take one out and burn your hands (well you do if you are allergic to latex as severly as I am lol) what makes this extra fun is when they add the latex into the glue on the back and you think your ok when you first touch it and then you can't breathe properly when you take the backing off. Periods have always been the worst week or two of every month for me since I first had them. Not having them was the only good thing about the 4 pregnancies from hell. Before Lukas was born I accepted that for 2 weeks out of 4 I was going to feel even more tired than normal, I accepted that I would be wearing upto 4 maternity towels at a time and changing them every hour at the most. After Lukas was born I was thrilled that I could knock that down to 2 towels every hour and sometimes even have it go on for a week and a half. Then in 2003 after we lost Gaiebraille, and they removed part of my uterus they said things might change, no-one told me that for the 1st time in my life I would have to endure period pain as well as everything else. No-one told me that I would go up 2 or 3 sizes for those 2 weeks of the month, that the headaches would all merge into one never ending migraine that would continue for almost the whole month. But most importantly no-one told me that for two weeks out of four I would turn into an emotional wreck who felt suicidal one minute and like they could quite happily slit someones throat for talking to her the next. That went on until I got pregnant with Leo when he was born everything changed again. After the bleeding from having him finally stopped (I think he was nearly 2 months old) instead of 2 weeks out of 4 they turned up whenever they felt like it sometimes they lasted a day, sometimes a week, sometimes they were normal and other times, they were well for me light (or for most people normal) the headaches had some breaks in them and stressed out and near tears became the normal state of being. After he died every single one became another way for life in general to mock me or so I felt. Here I was desperately wanting a baby to replace the one I had lost and every month intead of being given that baby I was being given what I saw as my body betraying me, and refusing to cooperate. Eventually we reached the point where we asked the doctor for contraception because I just couldn't take the periods mocking me anymore. I had it once and I didn't bother going back for the next one 3 months later. My periods became even more bizarre I never knew what I was going to get. Then we got pregnant again and we lost that one too (Ambrose in April 2006) and since then I am pretty much back to where I was in 2003 with a few differences, they are pretty much contained to 1 week out 4 but for almost a week before I get them I am really really sick, I run a high temperature, I come out in rash all over me and my skin is really dry so I spend a fair amount of time scratching it until it bleeds, I have an upset stomach, I have a lot of seizures, we often get to the stage where I have to resort to taking painkillers and retreating to my bed only to fall asleep when I am too exhausted to stay awake anymore. I spend the hours that I am awake being on an extremely short fuse or wishing I wasn't here. But I take comfort that for the rest of the month I am my normal crappy self. But as much as I hate periods and everything that they come bundled with the part I hate most is the way I am unable to focus on anything. I get even less than normal done, and let's be honest I am not exactly the most productive of people normally. For now I am alternating between turning the fan on and trying to use the insomnia to my advantage by scrapping or tagging stuff in ACDSEE and sitting here allowing myself to be consumed by feeling depressed. I prefer the productive approach but it's just not always possible to stay on top of my emotions. Sometimes everything going on here just overwhelms me with sorrow and simple things like watching American Pie: The Wedding makes me burst out crying. *sigh* if only there was a way to just get away from it all even if it was just for an hour but it's impossible to even lock myself in the bathroom for a nice long soak in the bath, going out is out of the question because of feeling so ill so I am stuck with only my blog for company, there really isn't anyone else who would even begin to understand or be able to sit here and listen to my disjointed rambling. I suppose I could always talk to myself but conversations in my head get confusing and they really don't seem to help. So for now at least you are stuck with me and my whingefest aren't you lucky lol.